Self esteem shattered HEARTBROKEN

[hopefulfaerie]

I appreciate any advice. I'm hurting so much!

Long story short (I'll try)

 

About a year ago I moved to a new city to start over and pursue a new and exciting life ( I left a relationship that lacked passion, romance and love.

I joined a dating site and almost immediately met a "great" guy. Thingss were great for about two months. I felt him becoming a little distant and thought he may be losing interest. I sent him a text telling him I'm not sure what happened but I wish hi well and no hard feelings. (This was after he hadn't contacted me in 5 days, very unusual!) He texted back immediately that he doesn't have any idea why I would feel thst way and he still wants the relationship. Never heard from him again! I was extremely hurt to say the least but I moved on (reluctantly)

 

 

A couple months later I met someone better!

We were closer than what's his face, had the same sense of humor, totally attracted to eachother, talked every day and well, ypu get the point.

His world kinda fell apart, lost his job (unfairly after 13 years) just bought a new home, fighting ex for more time with his kids, new car payments. Etc.

 

I was supportive but DID NOT bug him. In other words I told him I was "there for him" but I didn't want to add to his stress and would give him all the time he needed to work through his issues. I sent ONLY ONE text that I hope he's hanging in there and I'm thinking of him. Heard nothing back for a few days so I figured he doesn't have time for a relationship right now. I sent him a text telling him that I am getting the feeling he wants me to leave him alone permanently and I will respect that but I wish him all the best and I will truly miss him.

 

10 minutes later he texts that he's sorry he's been distant, doesn't want to end things amd he just needs some time. A few more texts were exchanged that night and I figured if I didn't hear from him for a while I would think nothing of it since he has so much going on.

 

Two days later HE calls ME and wants to come by that night.

He never showed or called!!!! Yes, I got stood up!!!

I don't understand these guys!!! Why not just take the "out" I gave them? I would have at least had my dignity.

 

I did get one lame ass attempt about a week after. He called and left a message that I could barely make out. A couple weeks later I sent him a text that I hope things are better for him. Nothing sinve then!!! Been NC for 11 weeks.

 

I can't believe I'm still hurting so much. I feel like I never got closure from him ( or the other)

I should be ober this by now. I can't eat, sleep, my stomach hurts and I cry all the time. Mornings are the worst!!!! I get awful panic attacks! It's not like I have never had heartache before. I'm 40 so I have had my heart broken before.

 

I'm pretty, smart, talented, funny blah blah blah. . . But I just can't seem to shake this one. I have been dumped before but I always received a reason. Never so coldly and twice in a row!!!!! Help please!!! And please no mean comments. I feel lousy enough! Thanks everyone!!! I really mean thst and appreciate your time snd thoughts! I just feel so awful right now.

Edited August 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loversquarrel]

It doesn't seem like you really knew either of these guys for very long. If I had to venture a guess... It sounds like you are moving to quickly and scaring them off.

Edited August 26, 2013 by loversquarrel

[JourneyLady]

I hope someone has a better answer, since I'm in a similar situation at the moment. The OP did say she expressly gave him an out - that's not pushing a relationship! That he said he was still interested "in a relationship" and then bails on her is not good communication.

 

I'm in a similar place with someone who won't tell me what he's thinking (we were briefly involved in the past). We talk online, but he either doesn't get the flirty vibes from me or he ignores them. (There haven't been many since I don't want to scare him away again.) But he continues to talk to me and I have some idea perhaps he's still interested.

 

But I'm not going to stop dating until he actually says something that sounds like he wants to date me...

 

Perhaps, just perhaps, OP, the first guy just wanted to hold onto you in case something better came along - and it did. Maybe the 2nd too. In fact, who knows, it could be my situation... Because the guy probably knows how much I care about him, so he's just keeping in touch for now... "just in case".

 

Sigh. I just realized how close we are NOT.

[hopefulfaerie]

JourneyLady,

I think you may be right. They wanted to keep me just in case. Guy number 1 for sure.

I also wanted to add my life otherwise is pretty close to perfect. My new business is going great, making lots of friends, have the house of my dreams. ( it's a tiny house but it's mine and on the water, something I always wanted)

That's why I'm so mad at myself for feeling so low and sad.

Also, you are right about me NOT being pushy or needy. I like my space and free time as well and gave these guys plenty of that because that's what I appreciate as well

I have my own life and don't need or even want to be with someone 24/7

I just want to be over this pain!!!!!

Thanks again! Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk. I REALLY hope you don't go through what I am.

[Sparkle304]

I'm in a very similar situation as well. Completely out of the blue, he calls me and says he's not coming over as planned, and it's over. I was so stunned I hardly said a word.....and then I hung up the phone and cried, cried, cried.

 

I'm also frustrated that his actions can bring me so far down. I have a great career, my own little house, have travelled the world, am told I'm attractive (I model bikinis). But then this happens, and all my self-worth just disappears!! And I can't stop thinking about him!!

 

It hurts - a lot. And it's not just emotional pain, it's like I can actually feel the pain radiating out from my stomach.

 

This too shall pass, I know, I know.....but ***k it HURTS!!

[hopefulfaerie]

I'm in a very similar situation as well. Completely out of the blue, he calls me and says he's not coming over as planned, and it's over. I was so stunned I hardly said a word.....and then I hung up the phone and cried, cried, cried.

 

I'm also frustrated that his actions can bring me so far down. I have a great career, my own little house, have travelled the world, am told I'm attractive (I model bikinis). But then this happens, and all my self-worth just disappears!! And I can't stop thinking about him!!

 

It hurts - a lot. And it's not just emotional pain, it's like I can actually feel the pain radiating out from my stomach.

 

This too shall pass, I know, I know.....but ***k it HURTS!!

How long ago was the breakup? If you don't mind me asking?

[Sparkle304]

Break up was almost two weeks ago.

[DresdenKing]

hopefulfaerie,

 

The first guy just sounds like a sociopath; let's dismiss him from our thoughts.

 

The second guy I'll give a bit of credit to because as you said, his world did fall apart. Losing a job after 13 years can lead to severe depression atop of the obvious financial detriment. It's quite possible he simply needs time to get back on his feet and figure out what his next moves are for the betterment of his kids, his life situation, etc. How could he possibly be there for you and invest time/money into your relationship if he can't take care of himself? Or pay for his car? Thing is though, he might not be able to just come out and admit that to you, as it's emasculating and humiliating in general. A man provides. He suddenly finds that he's struggling to. So, he runs and keeps his distance instead because he's simply not ready for anything else but to keep his head above water. I don't want to give you false hope, just something to consider.

 

In your shoes, I would still definitely just continue to move forward and work on healing yourself through NC, and take pride of all the things you've accomplished. He can't take that house on the water you've always wanted away from you, nor your business that's thriving (more than his evidently) and you have so much in your life to not let your self-esteem get shattered as you say. It probably has a lot less to do with you as a person and more to do with his own issues, anyway, so it should have little impact on your morale. Furthermore, you don't need a partner who can't take care of himself. Meeting new friends is great. So relax, give your pain more time to heal and keep on doing your thing.

 

Perhaps, just perhaps, OP, the first guy just wanted to hold onto you in case something better came along - and it did. Maybe the 2nd too. In fact, who knows, it could be my situation... Because the guy probably knows how much I care about him, so he's just keeping in touch for now... "just in case".

 

Sigh. I just realized how close we are NOT.

 

Yes, this is most likely what's happening in your situation. It's very easy and convenient to keep people in online networks, whether it be Skype or FB, etc. He's keeping you on the backburner.

 

I'm in a very similar situation as well. Completely out of the blue, he calls me and says he's not coming over as planned, and it's over. I was so stunned I hardly said a word.....and then I hung up the phone and cried, cried, cried.

 

I'm also frustrated that his actions can bring me so far down. I have a great career, my own little house, have travelled the world, am told I'm attractive (I model bikinis). But then this happens, and all my self-worth just disappears!! And I can't stop thinking about him!!

 

It hurts - a lot. And it's not just emotional pain, it's like I can actually feel the pain radiating out from my stomach.

 

This too shall pass, I know, I know.....but ***k it HURTS!!

 

Key thing to remember, and something I was told when I came here searching for answers as to why my ex suddenly left me wondering what just hit me: people who dump you don't love you. You owe it to yourself to move on and find someone worth your time. If you think about it, the dumper is not. They left and made up their minds that they are out of love with you, and that's ALL you need to know. Now you deserve to move on as well.

[hopefulfaerie]

DresdenKing,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. And making me laugh! Thhe comments about the first guy actually made me laugh out loud! Definitely a sociopath!!! Ha ha!

And i honestly could care less about him anymore because I met someone better. ( the one I'm having such a hard time with now)

I guess I just don't understand why he made such a big dwal about convincing me that he really wanted to continue our relationship when I gave him an "out" I was very nice and understanding and told him I would miss him very much but I would let him go if that's what he wanted. He even said in his text I AM NOT LETTING YOU GO! Yes, all in caps. Then yo make plans and not show??????

I suppose it doesn't matter why. . I just want to get over this pain. Honestly, if I had the choice of getting back together or ending this pain and being over him, I would choose the latter.

Because no matter what is going on in his life, I at least deserve a text if he wants to end it, especially when I was willing to give him that and he made such a big deal about wanting to continue our relationship.

Anyway, thanks again and thanks for making me laugh! It felt good for a change!

[hopefulfaerie]

Sparkle304,

Just wanted to say I am so sorry for your pain! 2 weeks is a pretty fresh wound. I am thinking of you and hoping the pain gets easier! Yours, mine and everyone else suffering from this ungodly torture!

It is truly horrible!

I saw something that made me laugh though. In the movie Liar Liar, a guy said to Jim Carrey " hey, how ya doin?" He responds by saying "I've slipped into the seventh circle of Hell, thank you" it made me laugh because that is the response I want to give everyone. Ha ha! Trying to find humor in this awful transition!

[Jenny1234]

I'm convinced alot of guys and girls are just nuts! There are no rational explanations for alot of crap people do. I've had sooooo many unanswered and what the heck just happened moments over the years

And yep I'm single again after another one a few months ago!

 

Just do you...that's all we can do

[Brown-Eyez]

what may be causing you so much pain is taking these rejections personally (no way around that)..

 

when we have so much going for ourselves in our lives, we feel pretty good about ourselves and believe that others will see that & want to be with us..it just seems logical...so when we're dumped (often for no apparent reason or lame reasons) the shock to our world view about ourselves is pretty awful.

 

this is what has happened to me and I'm still reeling from the blow

 

it's like the universe said, "hey what are you doing up there, feeling so great about yourself? get down from there & be real"

 

again, this is how my personal experience feels, I can't blame him for dumping me, but so am trying instead to look at how my entitled feelings (& belief that I'm all that & a bag of chips too) may have got me to my current seventh circle of hell..

[hopefulfaerie]

Brown-Eyez,

Wow! What a great analogy! Yes, it's like EVERYTHING else is going so great and the Universe wants to humble me or something???? Truly sucks!!!

I have to keep telling myself that I DESERVE all the things I have in my life right now that O have worked so hard for. My business, my friendships, my house, my car, hell even my health, my dogs, EVERYTHING else is just grand! Now all I want is to get through thos nightmare so I can enjoy all of my blessings. I guess a wonderful relationship would be " too perfect" ha ha! Just kidding! I am determined to have it all because I deserve it!!!

I honestly want nothing more than to get over him!!!

I still have that sick feeling in my heart and the anxiety is truly terrifying!!

 

Sorry, I'm rambling. . It's just that I feel this is the only place I can truly be honest and let my feelings and emotions out! Thank you all so much! I sweat to everyone reading this and to God, . . . God, if you can please help me heal my heart, I will never take that peaceful feeling for granted and I will ALWAYS visit this site to offer support to those dealing with this awful nightmare even after I survive it! Please!!! Thank you!

[HappyLove]

I think men nowadays have all sent each other the memo that they don't have to man up and let a woman know they aren't interested, just drop off the face of the earth. I've had this happen twice now back to back they just disappear no contact. The last guy was even supposedly on his way to meet me that night. Never showed, called, text NOTHING! And we had a great date that afternoon AND it was HIS idea to meet! It was from OLD, unfortunately this seems to be how "men" operate these days. They just go poof! Things could be perfect. No point in making yourself miserable. That's no man you want in your life or your future. Sounds like he has TONS of baggage too. It's him honey not you. People are just very fake and lie like its no big deal nowadays. And don't be surprised when he eventually sends you some random I'm sorry text to see if he still has you pining for him in the future. He's a jerk, I know it's hard but it's best to move on find a man who is honest who will RESPECT you and your feelings. I would give these idiots every excuse there was because things were so perfect...maybe he got hurt, maybe he lost his phone. I laugh at myself now I hope you will be able to also. I finally realized I'm not gonna sit back and make excuses for some creep and wallow in my life for some jerk. Now I can honestly take a step back and see signs that they weren't good for me. The guy your dealing with sounds like a headache with all that baggage. He's lucky you even gave him the time of day! This saying couldn't be more true.

 

A man's rejection is God's protection!