cat Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 So, I got out of an LTR with a wonderful man about 5 months ago. We split because of an age difference and a place-in-life difference, and because I want kids and he doesn't. But immediately following, I met another man. He had just left his wife, he put on a hard sell if you will-- wanting to get close fast. Telling me he loved me right away. Spending all his time with me-- and I let him of course. He promised me the moon and the stars-- marriage, kids, everything. THere were so many red flags that I ignored. Maybe it's just proximity but I did grow to care for and love this man. So, today he tells me he's going back to his wife. I told him to get his stuff out of my house and what was left when I got back was going in the driveway. There was stuff left so into the driveway it went. He has sent me some messages that said he realized a while back that I wasn't hte right person for him, and that he tried to talk himself into it. I said a few things like he had a problem with honesty etc. etc. THen I said that he didn't love me, and that was all I needed to know, and take care. So, beyond the obvious (overlooking red flags, having a rebound relationship, more things I haven't listed here) I'm really hurting. Is there anything out there (besides "I told you so") that might help? Or do I just deserve this for being dumb and giving something a chance?
Angry bird Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 No, you didn't deserve that. Ignoring red flags is something you need to look into for yourself. I did the same. I did a lot worse, to tell you the truth. But, I had to stop blaming him and ask myself, why did I allow him to do this, all the while I know I was not okay with it. Then I had to admit, I was desperate for love and attention so I bartered my true feelings and boundaries to get it. Was it worth it? For me, the answer is no. I think too many times we are quick to push ALL the blame on the one that hurt us and in reality we hurt ourselves and let ourselves down more so. I think that is where a lot of the pain of the break up comes from as well: letting ourselves down.... But it's ok. We have to start somewhere. And at least I know where I am and I can start improving myself and my values, so the next assclown that comes my way, I can see it and choose better :-)
Author cat Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 I couldn't agree more! It's totally my fault. I let it happen, and I'm responsible for my own actions. I wish I'd been stronger and it's something I have to work on. I'm afraid that I don't blame him enough! That I'm still trying to rationalize his actions or something. Really I just want the pain to stop.
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