Codependency and Beating at own game?

[UmbrellaBoy]

Here's my situation: my boyfriend left me, and it turns out it was (as has happened before) because he was still codependently entangled with his alcoholic ex. His motivations are all guilt and pity and fear of hurting him and needing to feel needed, to help save this alcoholic. There's no passion, and in the past he has gone back only to realize he feels trapped again (in which case he warms up to me). A classic codependent cycle.

 

We're no contact right now, though, and that decision was sort of mutual. However, I had a terrible thought. I know it's bad, so that's not what I need to hear. I want to hear from the real manipulative types out there.

 

If the problem with his codependency is that he keeps being drawn back by the alcoholic ex "needing" him, playing all pathetic and helpless...is there any way to beat the ex at his own "game"? That is to say, is there anything I can do (or fake doing) to "prove" that I am JUST as needy and helpless (though I'm not really, it would be a tactic)? Have someone call him and tell him I was in the hospital for ODing on alcohol or tried to kill myself or something?

 

I know, I know, it's terrible. I don't really intend to do it. But the hypothetical is really a question is about how the psyche of a codependent works. Most people (including myself) would be turned off by such occurrences, but since these sorts of "crisis" events have obviously "worked" for the ex in terms of drawing my/our guy back into the darkness...would they "work" for me too? That is to say, does a codependent attach to one person and that's that? Or do they feel pulled to whomever "needs the most"? (And if I could show myself "needing more" than the ex, would that mean I'd get the preference?)

 

I know this is a terrible line of thinking, and like I said I really have no intent to do anything. But I need to know how the mind of a codependent works. If someone else comes along showing even GREATER need, can that help detach them from the person they are currently enabling? Or will forcing a choice or prioritization like that not work?

[loversquarrel]

Don't do it. I've had a person lie to me about being gravely ill. It effed me up for a long time. Do the healthy thing and leave him, go NC. If he wants to be with you, he will.