Trying to rationalise that break up is a good thing

[gizmo814]

Hi there,

 

I was wondering I could get some feedback on something.

 

I was dumped about 5 months ago after 3 years, totally NC since. I have been trying to rationalise that this is for the best but I'm getting stuck. I think my gut says it's for the best, but I really miss her and keep thinking we could get it to work, so it's becoming a mess of confusion.

 

At first I thought it was probably for the best because I was never going to get high-level growth or connection from my ex because she wasn't a big communicator - how can you grow as a couple and connect fully if you're not communicating everything? I realised I didn't know her DEEPLY DEEPLY DEEPLY and FULLY because of that. But at the end of the relationship, she said she wasn't honest with me because she didn't feel like she could be because of how I made it (which I believe to be bollocks because I am super honest, supportive, and always asked her to be honest... but anyway).

 

But what this has caused me to do is think that a big, key reason not to be with someone (lack of communication) is potentially out of the window if I caused it, and that if we were together now, I would help her to be honest and open in a way she needs.

 

But I don't think getting back together is going to happen, so I'd like to rationalise more reasons about her that mean I should not be with her, so I can move on more easily. I'd really like some feedback on this list to see if other people think it is a good list:-

 

1. Not a good sounding board. I talk a lot, need advice and ideas, but she wasn't good at giving it. Good a listening, but not coming up with ideas.

 

2. Couldn't hold a stimulating conversation. She was fun, we had a great time when things were good. We were very comfortable. And I was rarely bored (maybe 1% of the time). But she couldn't hold a stimulating conversation; she didn't really have that much of an opinion to share. It's odd to say I wasn't bored but she didn't stimulate me intellectually. Does that get worse as you get further in to a relationship and maybe it just didn't kick in to annoying yet?

 

3. She had a negative outlook on life. This might have been a phase, but I tend to believe people are either positive or negative people.

 

4. She wasn't interested in personal growth and self-educating to be a better person. I am all about growth. She would do things to help our relationship if I needed, but she doesn't pursue growth.

 

See, I know on paper that if I met someone with traits like that, I wouldn't take it further. But I have such great memories with her, and we were so comfortable around each other and had so much fun, and the above things never really caused massive issues at the time. They did come up some times, but not to the point of pain. So I don't know if they are valid reasons now to help me get over her.

 

Would love some feedback!

[AnyaNova]

Except for the gender differences, I am pretty much where you are right now.

 

I am trying to rationalize as well. Sometimes for a few minutes, it even works.

 

Keep us posted as to how it works for you. I think, though, you know the answer. It is just difficult to let go of all the great memories and smiles and cuddles and entwined fingers and kisses and shared jokes and moments. Yeah, I think I'd better stop with that list before I make my own self worse...

[todreaminblue]

you know, you talk about her being negative....but yet.....you use negatives to try and make yourself feel better about not being with her any more and not only that you are asking other posters to enforce that negativity with negativity based on someone they dont know at all...is that a negative plus a negative is a positive atmospheric ion thing.........

 

in my opinion this is a positive action to get an equal reaction just for you to do ......personal growth...is about you....what do you think you can do or feel to personally grow from the break up and even more so what was good that you loved that you can take with you into your next relationship....

 

here's a spin on the negative vibe you gave from me to you

like you said that you wanted someone with an opinion who was honest and open and who could communicate with you .......so you found out that was what you really wanted or required to be happy.... that's personal growth....knowing what you want from a partner is a step forward for you, not because your ex didnt have those qualities but because that is what you need to be satisfied in a relationship...and next time concentrate on knowing the woman you are with so those qualities are one of the first things pop out at you...take responsibility for what you need and then seek those things.....and next time you are in a relationship what you need...will be in the woman standing right in front of you...best wishes....deb

[keepontruckin]

gizmo, the dumpee usually tends to focus only on their ex's good qualities, so I do believe it is important for the dumpee to maintain a clear view of whom their ex was, both the good and the bad. It does help me to bring her down from the pedestal that I placed her on.

 

But yes, it is tough to get over someone that you truly loved, no matter what tactics you employ. Time is the only surefire cure, it seems.

 

I am finding that I am slowly accepting the situation for what it is. I am whom I am, and she is whom she is. If she feels happier without me, then I accept that. The anger and sadness do seem to diminish with time.

 

I always said to my wife that I'd support her through anything no matter what her decisions were, and I suppose in one way I am honouring that promise by letting her go peacefully, and wishing her the best.

[jenn78]

my ex dumped me for similar reasons a few months ago. I internalize my thoughts/opinions and he needed me to share them, which i could have worked on but he didnt want to be patient. Remember it takes two people to communicate, my ex and i were together 95% of the time but we never really communicated deeply. Let the dust settle and see how you feel in a few months.

[Sugarkane]

Why not focus on the negatives? The dumpers always paint us black- that everything was our fault and we did nothing but hold them back!This is coming from someone who got dumped by text after a year and then hilariously told I couldn't communicate.

you know, you talk about her being negative....but yet.....you use negatives to try and make yourself feel better about not being with her any more and not only that you are asking other posters to enforce that negativity with negativity based on someone they dont know at all...is that a negative plus a negative is a positive atmospheric ion thing.........

 

in my opinion this is a positive action to get an equal reaction just for you to do ......personal growth...is about you....what do you think you can do or feel to personally grow from the break up and even more so what was good that you loved that you can take with you into your next relationship....

 

here's a spin on the negative vibe you gave from me to you

like you said that you wanted someone with an opinion who was honest and open and who could communicate with you .......so you found out that was what you really wanted or required to be happy.... that's personal growth....knowing what you want from a partner is a step forward for you, not because your ex didnt have those qualities but because that is what you need to be satisfied in a relationship...and next time concentrate on knowing the woman you are with so those qualities are one of the first things pop out at you...take responsibility for what you need and then seek those things.....and next time you are in a relationship what you need...will be in the woman standing right in front of you...best wishes....deb

[gizmo814]

All good responses, thanks for these.

 

@todreaminblue Yes, you can take a positive from the situation and say what you need in a partner. But here's the question... how do you know you need something and couldn't just compromise? How do you make the distinction between something being a deal-breaker and something not being necessary?

 

In a way, there's no use me asking others if my deal-breakers are sensible, because if I believe they are deal-breakers, then they are for me. But I've spent so much time thinking that my judgement is clouded on what is and what is not a deal-breaker for me! Ha.

 

I wish I could just not think about it so I could get some clarity.

 

 

@keepontruckin Did you have that feeling of wanting to fix everything? That the problems that were there could be fixed if the effort was put in? I feel a number of my negatives about could be worked through and that makes things harder.

 

@sugarkane I think it is important to focus on the negatives, too. Otherwise you are deluding yourself. It's so easy to put that person on a pedestal or think you made them act badly. But, the fact is, you cannot make anyone act differently than how they want to act. You cannot force someone to communicate and you cannot force someone to bottle everything up. If you get the blame for how they act then I think they are a low integrity person who cannot accept fault for their own actions.

 

Here's the question, I believe... I know on paper my ex is wrong for me... why doesn't it feel like that, though, and how do you convert the paper rationalising in to feeling and belief? A bit of Napleon Hill affirmations? Repeating it to yourself with conviction?

[unexpectedlyhere]

The breakup is, by a twisted and paradoxical logic, ALWAYS a good thing, BECAUSE it happens. Basically, you're always better off without the person who walked, BECAUSE they walked. You don't want someone in your life who isn't committed to you and to your relationship, you're better off without. (Similarly, evidently the dumper has already concluded they don't want someone in their life who, in whatever way, is no longer a positive presence).

 

Now you have time for you. You have love, emotional resources, intellectual resources for YOU. You're all about growth, think of the potential now

 

One thing I have learnt since breakup: you can't rationalise EVERYTHING. Especially when someone is no longer allowing you access to their head. You may never know what it was. You'll only ever have your half of the story, and perhaps the comments of those you talk to. It's not about rationalising the end of the relationship. It's about accepting it, taking away from it the things you can learn about yourself / what you want from others, and MOVING THE HELL AWAY FROM THINKING ABOUT IT, ASAP.

 

The breakup is a good thing. When people tell you "it's an opportunity" it sounds stale. It's not an opportunity per se. But where you find yourself after the breakup IS an opportunity. You may have lost one future, you've gained the potential of all of them.

 

This is where I am right now, I actually feel really good about the future. My next step is actually reaching out and grabbing it. Maybe yours too?

[gizmo814]

GREAT reply. And it is true that you shouldn't be with someone who isn't willing to do everything to fix your relationship.

 

BUT, it did leave me with one question:-

 

1. What if you believe they are committed to doing whatever it takes and you know they feel like they did everything they could, but there are things they can do that you know would fix it? And you really want to tell them these things. Perhaps they just didn't see the fix, so thought they had done everything?

[jenn78]

You can't force someone to change but you can give examples on how they could be better for you. Relationships are a give and take thing. I wish my ex had done this for me. See if she can make the changes... give her time and be patient. If it doesn't work or if she isn't receptive. It just wasn't mean't to be and now you have learned what you need in a relationship.

[unexpectedlyhere]

In answer to your question, it's the same answer as "you can't rationalise everything because you don't have access to their head". You can't fix things with someone who, rather than coming to you with "Things aren't working, what can we do?" walks off with. A "Goodbye, things weren't working". I did try to tell my ex there were things we could try, both before and after he left. He still knew they weren't worth trying, because his heart just wasn't into it anymore.

 

You can try tell your ex what could be tried. Chances are she won't put it to use for your relationship. And my reasoning is: better to put this experience to use in MY next relationship, than to give him free advice for his next one!

[gizmo814]

In answer to your question, it's the same answer as "you can't rationalise everything because you don't have access to their head". You can't fix things with someone who, rather than coming to you with "Things aren't working, what can we do?" walks off with. A "Goodbye, things weren't working". I did try to tell my ex there were things we could try, both before and after he left. He still knew they weren't worth trying, because his heart just wasn't into it anymore.

 

You can try tell your ex what could be tried. Chances are she won't put it to use for your relationship. And my reasoning is: better to put this experience to use in MY next relationship, than to give him free advice for his next one!

 

That's a good point. I guess it's that idea that you want someone who has the correct attitude of always looking for a way to fix things or ask you how to fix things rather than just give up without putting in one more go. Is that right? The only thing is, is that somewhat unfair on people who just don't see fixes easily? Or is that being too easy-going with my needs, and it's not unfair of me to expect in my partner an attitude of always trying to find a way?

 

One more question for you (sorry!) - I started to come round to the way of thinking you suggested - that if they say they don't want to try anymore you say "NEXT!" But then I thought, well, what if (now a few months later) she is sitting there thinking she should fix it, but I've told her that I'm good with the breakup (I thought I was a few months ago, but I've regressed), so she's sitting there not doing anything about it when I might be open to her fixing it?

[unexpectedlyhere]

It's not so much that they need to be seeing fixes themselves. But they need to be at least willing to stay around long enough to try the fixes you suggest?

 

I am the problem solver between me and my ex. What I am not good at, it transpires, is interpreting people's moods correctly. I thought he was stressed at work. I thought he saw the relationship as a bit iffy for the present, but had hopes for the future. He didn't come to me with his issues until too late (in fact, in MY interpretation of it, he didn't come to me at all, I had to go to him and ask "Why are you acting strange?"): I did suggest solutions then, and we tried them for maybe two days, and then he broke down again and said he didn't see a future at all and was only giving me false hope, said sorry and packed his stuff.

 

He may change his mind in the future, sure. He may be at this very moment sitting in his room thinking he's made a mistake, and would like to come back and doesn't know how to. (I highly doubt he is, but for the sake of your argument). You know what? After I basically had to break up with me on my own, now I deserve someone who chases me at least a bit. Whether it's him or someone else.

I have made it very clear that I would need to hate him in order to go through this breakup because I loved him too much. I don't really hate him, but I certainly don't think the sun shines out of his arse at the moment. He knows that. He also knows that if he ever has regrets or changes his mind, I'm interested at least in hearing it - of course not necessarily in doing something about it or even replying to him.

 

In the end, if he doesn't come back despite wanting to, he's too coward to come back. And I'm tired of a coward.

 

This is my very personal situation relating to my experiences. I don't know if it applies to you. But I'm sure a similar version would apply. The pattern is basically: show openness, but get on with your life.

 

Also be very very careful of timing. If my ex came back to me now, or in two weeks, or in a month, I would say I'm interested in talking about it, but I need time alone right now. It seems really paradoxical but in a way if you're not okay about the breakup then you're not okay for fixing the old relationship either.

 

I know what you're going through. I'm a fixer too. It really hurts that it all went down the drain when now I see the issues, I see the fixes, I see what we needed to do. But at the end of the day --- they didn't stay for long enough to let you try. Or they didn't communicate to you why your fixes weren't what they needed. Or they got frustrated because the fixing wasn't on their terms. Maybe they'll come to the realisation that they wish they could fix it but don't know how, but they WANT to. (Probably they won't, but again, for the sake of argument). If they don't come to you in some way, well... what are they actually contributing to this reconciliation? Happy thoughts? The great gift of their rekindled love? Reconciliations are tough and difficult and both need to bring something to the table. If not the problem-solving, then the energy, or the courage, or the undeterred hope.

 

We fixers think we could hold the relationship together on our own. We can't.

[keepontruckin]

@keepontruckin Did you have that feeling of wanting to fix everything? That the problems that were there could be fixed if the effort was put in? I feel a number of my negatives about could be worked through and that makes things harder

Well, I think most of us have those regrets. I am far from the perfect person, I'll be the first to admit! However, most problems can be worked on, if both partners are willing and have the desire to do so.

 

I think my wife and I could have both communicated our wants and needs better to each other. And for this, we are both equally to blame.

 

However, once they check out, there's nothing that can be done. I had the opportunity to improve on what I thought needed improving, and to increase what I thought was already good. I had the opportunity to show her these changes, since I was physically furnishing her apartment over a matter of a few weeks. It made no difference. And don't ever furnish their apartment once they walk away... I question what I was thinking at the time:laugh:

 

So yes, we all want to fix things, because we want our ex's back. I even suggested marriage counselling, which I would've paid for, but she wanted nothing to do with it.

 

I can honestly say that I tried anything and everything, but I suppose it was too little, too late. I made all the efforts, but she didn't care.

 

She left five months ago. She wants nothing to do with me to the point that she won't even return my calls regarding a divorce:laugh: That's OK though, she left, so I figure she can file and pay for it!

[gizmo814]

He also knows that if he ever has regrets or changes his mind, I'm interested at least in hearing it - of course not necessarily in doing something about it or even replying to him.

 

So the question becomes... do I ask her if she wants to try again or do I look at my list on paper of why she is wrong for me and leave it be? Do I satisfy the itch and try one last time or do I get sensible and realise this was wrong, but then never know if it could have been good?

 

Part of me wants to ask her if she wants to try again because if she says "no" then I feel like I would move in instantly. But, at the same time, if she said "yes", then I would feel like it possibly isn't the right thing because of my list. Which suggests that my answer is right in front of me - this relationship was wrong, and I just want her to validate my thoughts by telling me she doesn't want to fix it. So, in that case, I should just move on. But, for some reason, I can't just link that emotionally and just move on.

[gizmo814]

Well, I think most of us have those regrets. I am far from the perfect person, I'll be the first to admit! However, most problems can be worked on, if both partners are willing and have the desire to do so.

 

I think my wife and I could have both communicated our wants and needs better to each other. And for this, we are both equally to blame.

 

However, once they check out, there's nothing that can be done. I had the opportunity to improve on what I thought needed improving, and to increase what I thought was already good. I had the opportunity to show her these changes, since I was physically furnishing her apartment over a matter of a few weeks. It made no difference. And don't ever furnish their apartment once they walk away... I question what I was thinking at the time:laugh:

 

So yes, we all want to fix things, because we want our ex's back. I even suggested marriage counselling, which I would've paid for, but she wanted nothing to do with it.

 

I can honestly say that I tried anything and everything, but I suppose it was too little, too late. I made all the efforts, but she didn't care.

 

She left five months ago. She wants nothing to do with me to the point that she won't even return my calls regarding a divorce:laugh: That's OK though, she left, so I figure she can file and pay for it!

 

I think there is a good point to say she clearly didn't want to put the effort in, so she's not worth your time!

[gizmo814]

It's not so much that they need to be seeing fixes themselves. But they need to be at least willing to stay around long enough to try the fixes you suggest?

 

I am the problem solver between me and my ex. What I am not good at, it transpires, is interpreting people's moods correctly. I thought he was stressed at work. I thought he saw the relationship as a bit iffy for the present, but had hopes for the future. He didn't come to me with his issues until too late (in fact, in MY interpretation of it, he didn't come to me at all, I had to go to him and ask "Why are you acting strange?"): I did suggest solutions then, and we tried them for maybe two days, and then he broke down again and said he didn't see a future at all and was only giving me false hope, said sorry and packed his stuff.

 

He may change his mind in the future, sure. He may be at this very moment sitting in his room thinking he's made a mistake, and would like to come back and doesn't know how to. (I highly doubt he is, but for the sake of your argument). You know what? After I basically had to break up with me on my own, now I deserve someone who chases me at least a bit. Whether it's him or someone else.

I have made it very clear that I would need to hate him in order to go through this breakup because I loved him too much. I don't really hate him, but I certainly don't think the sun shines out of his arse at the moment. He knows that. He also knows that if he ever has regrets or changes his mind, I'm interested at least in hearing it - of course not necessarily in doing something about it or even replying to him.

 

In the end, if he doesn't come back despite wanting to, he's too coward to come back. And I'm tired of a coward.

 

This is my very personal situation relating to my experiences. I don't know if it applies to you. But I'm sure a similar version would apply. The pattern is basically: show openness, but get on with your life.

 

Also be very very careful of timing. If my ex came back to me now, or in two weeks, or in a month, I would say I'm interested in talking about it, but I need time alone right now. It seems really paradoxical but in a way if you're not okay about the breakup then you're not okay for fixing the old relationship either.

 

I know what you're going through. I'm a fixer too. It really hurts that it all went down the drain when now I see the issues, I see the fixes, I see what we needed to do. But at the end of the day --- they didn't stay for long enough to let you try. Or they didn't communicate to you why your fixes weren't what they needed. Or they got frustrated because the fixing wasn't on their terms. Maybe they'll come to the realisation that they wish they could fix it but don't know how, but they WANT to. (Probably they won't, but again, for the sake of argument). If they don't come to you in some way, well... what are they actually contributing to this reconciliation? Happy thoughts? The great gift of their rekindled love? Reconciliations are tough and difficult and both need to bring something to the table. If not the problem-solving, then the energy, or the courage, or the undeterred hope.

 

We fixers think we could hold the relationship together on our own. We can't.

 

Gone back over this and there's a lot of sense in it.

 

Basically, I think it comes down to - if they don't have the will to: 1. Come up with fixes, 2. Try your suggested fixes hard enough, 3. Tell you the fixes aren't working for them and try to find another way, or 4. Fight for you even if you say you're okay with the break up, then they really aren't worth your time. And that seems... harsh but absolutely true to me. It might be setting the standard high for people, but why not? That's what I would do. I always fight for things and don't give up, so why shouldn't I expect the same? I'm a fighter, so I need a fighter. I'm a fixer, so I need a fixer. Otherwise it's imbalanced. Imbalance creates uncertainty in the relationship, as you don't really know how much they like you.

 

I do have a question about what you said, though. You said "Or they didn't communicate to you why your fixes weren't what they needed." This was a BIG issue for me - she didn't let me know in any good or sensible way (i.e., only when we were arguing and not in a calm way) that my suggested fixes weren't working for her. And she certainly didn't ask to find another way or try to work with me on other ideas for fixes. Clearly communication and complete honesty is utterly key. But I feel like I should tell her now we are broken up "hey, you could have just told me my fixes weren't working for you." Now, I KNOW that is me putting in the effort once again and her not realising things for herself (which did annoy me during the relationship), but my stupid heart wants to help her to see what she could have done, and that maybe it will change things forever and suddenly she'll get much better at being honest and communicating. Is this just dumb, wishful thinking? Should I just stick to the belief I always used to have that if you are a communicator and honest then you will always be honest and always communicate no matter what, and so if she didn't communicate to me that my fixes weren't working then that shows she is not a communicator or not honest and so not someone for me to be with?

 

How do you draw the line and stop trying to fix things for someone who is not a fixer?

Edited August 27, 2013 by gizmo814

[jenn78]

it takes time to realize if it was the right or wrong decision. You are essentially in the same position that my ex-boyfriend was in. He picked apart all the aspects of my personality and decided he didn't want to be with. Right after our break up we both contemplated trying again but he decided he didn't want to... i still wanted to but two months on i've realized he wasn't right for me and he did me a favour letting me go so i can be fully happy with someone else someday.