Should we support our sons child?

[java1960]

3 months ago our 25 year old son passed away. His girlfriend got pregnant about 2 weeks before he passed. She lives about 3 hours away from us and is a university student. She's keeping the baby. My husband and I have been talking about this a lot.

 

I think we should be helping her out as much as we can. We aren't tight for money. Our son isn't around to be able to help her, so I feel like we should, especially because we can. Things like buying the baby stuff for her. I also feel like we should move closer to where she is. If we were closer we could babysit while she goes to school and studies. I also want to be close to her and our grandchild so we can see them often. She has said that she would also appreciate it and wants to stay close with us. She doesn't have parents and the little bit of family she does have lives across the country and she isn't close with at all. There is nothing tying us down to this house/location. We both work for major companies and could easily switch to a different location. And our family is actually closer to her location.

 

But my husband wants to stay here because he likes the area. He thinks we should buy her small things but not everything. He is concerned about money even though we are fine financially. He's always been that way. He thinks she should provide the majority of what the baby needs because it's her child not ours.

 

Who's right here?

[Mr. Lucky]

Who's right here?

 

My condolences for your loss.

 

There is no "right" here, just what you want and are able to do.

 

Were it me, I'd want to be close and involved, both for the sake of the child and my son's memory. It sounds like a unique opportunity to take what your son stood for and pay it forward. It's hard enough to be a single mother but for her to deal with her loss at the same time might be overwhelming.

 

Given the very difficult set of circumstances, you might ask you husband what he thinks your son would want you to do ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

But my husband wants to stay here because he likes the area. He thinks we should buy her small things but not everything.

 

My condolences on the loss of your son. In general, I tend to agree with your husband. Being doting grandparents as well as respectful of the young lady's autonomy and parental prerogatives would be at the top of my list.

[Tiger Lily]

Java ~

 

I'm so sorry for your loss .

 

I think your heart is in the right place, and I think it is so beautiful the way that you are supporting your future grandbaby. The woman who is carrying your grandchild is SO lucky to have you, and I know she realizes how much you care about her. It's obvious that you have a spirit of self-sacrifice and a giving attitude towards others. It's so amazing!

 

I do think that part of your attachment to the grandchild is an attempt to maintain a connection to your son, which is only natural. I can't imagine the grief you are experiencing.

 

Now, on the other hand you have your husband. He is grieving, too. Your husband has his own way to approach the future with this new member of the family. But your relationship with him is of utmost importance. You guys together are a stable force of strength for everyone involved...if anything were to divide you, it would be detrimental to all.

 

My advice would be to focus on the long-term benefits of keeping that united bond with your husband. I hope you're able to come to some sort of resolution, even if it means doing something that just doesn't feel right...for the moment. Because I know your grandbaby will know your love in many ways, even if you aren't right by his/her side in the immediate future.

 

From the outside, it seems reasonable to come to some sort of compromise. Rather than moving, maybe your husband could at least concede to purchasing many of the much-needed supplies? No need to go overboard, though! Babies don't always need THAT much, lol!

[HokeyReligions]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I suffer that same loss and understand some of the challenges you are facing.

 

All I can offer is to do what you can but don't make any major changes right now. Meep your communication open with your husband and allow him to grieve his own way and ask him to allow you the same. After the loss of our son it took us a few years to establish a different marriage. We came close to divorce. We are closer now.

 

Perhaps you could spend a few weekends in the area with her and after the baby is born she could stay with you until shes ready to return to school.

 

Family counseling may be beneficial for all of you and help you to make some plans that will help all of you. I know you want to be completely involved, I would too, but you also don't want to smother her or be one of those overbearing grandparents.

 

Its a delicate line in the best of circumstances but you have much deeper hurdles to overcome.

 

I will keep you in my prayers and close with a congratulations on your upcoming grandbaby.

[2sure]

Definitely help her, and do anything you can to let her know your door is open to becoming family to both her and your grandchild. You know yourself how important a support system becomes when you have children.

 

Don't move. It may be too much for her to accept, especially since she will continue her life with another partner and more children in the future. Instead, always stay in touch by letting her know you care about them both, follow her lead, be her support system. The rest will happen naturally. To push it, you might push her away.

[Balzac]

I too am sorry for your loss of a beloved son.

 

Do you have other children & grandchildren?

 

I think it's of significance how you pay monies. Have you considered funding a trust for your grandchild?

 

Depending on other children it's also possible to each gift up to the IRS limit, both you and husband as a start.

 

How much of your estate planning is in place??

[pink_sugar]

When did you find out she was pregnant? When did she find out?

 

Anyways, you may want to give her an answer soon as if she is/was considering abortion, she will need to consider the financial means and options she has available. With no familial support and without the father around, this will be very difficult for her. This is your grandchild and ultimately you will be involved with the child's life, so you must consider if you want to ensure it has a decent quality of life and upbringing. What kind of work did your son have? Did he have any sort of savings, life insurance, property or anything?

[KathyM]

I think it would be a great idea if you lived close to your grandchild and played a big role in his life, got to know him and spend time with him. That would be a wonderful gift to him and for you and your husband. It will certainly be hard for the child's mother to raise the child alone with no help from her family, so by all means be a part of this child's life. He will need you, and you can be a very positive factor in his life. As far as financial support, I would suggest talking it over with the mother and coming to an agreement about what you might buy for the baby initially to get him what he needs. Maybe encourage her to file for government assistance to help with the cost of caring for the child while she is in school until she can financially handle it herself. I would not suggest giving her money outright. Rather, buy what the baby initially needs as far as supplies, and then supplement like a normal grandparent would do as the child grows up. Maybe start a savings account for the child as he grows up that he can use for college someday. Normal grandparent stuff. But most importantly, be there for your grandchild. Help with the childcare whenever possible. Take on an active grandparent role.

[yessy21]

It must be heart wrenching to loose your son. I could never imagine what my life would be like it I lost my child.

 

you have requested an opinion to your matter and I respectfully will give It you.

 

See this baby as a piece of your son... a piece that you can nurture and watch grow for him, as he is not able to.

 

I think moving closer to her would be phenomenal. You could be there for the hard times of her pregnancy, if its her first child she might be scared, excited and in need of emotional support as she has also suffered a loss.

 

Accommodate her for a baby shower within your closest family members and whatever else she cannot afford to buy herself, cribs, car seat and stroller, you can chip in.

 

Your husband is probably dealing with his own pain in regards to the loss, but seems very unaffected with his future grandbaby. I think you should pro and con it for him.

I think that for the child's future sake you should really look into relocating.

Yes, that means he should get out of his comfort zone and be the greatest grandpa ever!

 

You lost your son... but you have something else... a little piece of him that is growing inside someone else.... you cant get him back.. but you can celebrate his child's life.

 

If it was my son... I wouldn't give it a second thought.

[tbf]

How traumatic to lose your son. Much sympathy and condolences.

 

If you wish to be a part of your grandchild's life, then action has to be taken. What that action might entail should be a compromise between your husband and yourself. The last thing you want to do, is to tear apart your family even further.

[dichotomy]

What a terrible loss for you. I can't imagine losing child. I am so sorry.

 

I think the child should have a connection to his father though his grandparents. He/She will have many emotional needs for this kind of connection.

 

I would not move for now, but I might consult a family lawyer - I would have many questions - will the child be born with your late sons name on the birth certificate, or carry his last name, what if the woman remarries, what are your rights as grandparents for visitation or access? and more .....I suspect the lawyer may be able to establish an agreement - about both money, trusts, support, obligations and rights...

 

also please (please) don't me mad/upset at me for saying this, but is there any chance at all the child was not your sons?

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Eve]

Sorry for your loss.

 

I would continue getting to know her and see what arises. Personally I would only move if the area is what you both like and she is in full agreement. She will need a lot of help when the baby comes so I can see why you would be considering this.

 

We have very recently found ourselves in the position of aiding a family member as such. We simply do what feels right without encouraging too much dependency. Our family member wants to move to be nearer to us because we have bonded so much with the child. The schooling is better where we live, plus there is more to do and our area has a very low crime rate.

 

Take all things into consideration and put bonding as the priority.

 

Help her to be a good Mum and if you get close enough to help her in greater ways financially it will feel more natural.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Ninjainpajamas]

Considering the circumstances I really would refrain from making any major life decisions during this time...I think that would only compound the grieving process .

 

I think what is important right now is just just simply be supportive, she's still got a ways to have this baby and you can still visit her and stay in a hotel in the weekend and maybe get to know her a little better and spend some time with her.

 

I think ultimately there needs to be a balance and compromise between you and your husband in the end but uprooting your life during a time of great grief is not going to alleviate the void you will feel due to your loss...as much as you may want to attach yourself to this child you must remember that she will as the mother have the ultimate say so and she may move on with her own life as well and may make decisions you might not agree with in the future...she may graduate then move out of town or start a life w someone new, would this be somewhere you'd want to live your life w your husband and will he be happy there?

 

It may be more realistic to have her come out to you if there's any relocation involved.

 

But give yourself time, I'm sure you're going to go through many emotions and stages of them before you get back to somewhat of a normalized state...right now just take it one thing and day at a time...especially if you're feeling this great sense of anxiety and impulsive instinctive reaction to act out immediately.