Author tart6245 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 You screwed up. It happens. But dwelling on it isn't going to get you anywhere. What exactly do you want from this person? I'm pretty sure FWB isn't going to be a good idea because there are feelings involved (you are obviously very attached). It doesn't seem like she has any interest in dating you either. So before doing anything, you should figure out exactly what you want from this person. And then chill and let life take its course. Anything you do would be adding drama to a situation which is already too dramatic. I just want our friendship back. I don't care if I lose the benefits. I enjoyed doing things with her, and I didn't want to screw it up like this to where we have to avoid each other during our final year in grad school. I would be perfectly fine spending time with her without the sex, especially if she's sleeping around. I just don't want to know about it if she does if she is having one night stands all the time. I just want an honest friendship at this point without any questionable behavior like in the past. That would give me peace of mind.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I just want our friendship back. I don't care if I lose the benefits. I enjoyed doing things with her, and I didn't want to screw it up like this to where we have to avoid each other during our final year in grad school. I would be perfectly fine spending time with her without the sex, especially if she's sleeping around. I just don't want to know about it if she does if she is having one night stands all the time. I just want an honest friendship at this point without any questionable behavior like in the past. That would give me peace of mind. Well, you need to find peace of mind from other means, because there's a good chance that's not possible. But yeah, you need to chill the fu*k out and let time do its thing. That's your best shot. And chilling out will get to the point where you don't care if you hear about her sexual conquests and you are willing to share your own. You need to kill off your romantic feelings for her if you are ever going to get to that point. And the way to do that is to stay away from her, do what you need to do for you to heal on your own, then you'll be ready. But you ain't ready dude. You aren't anywhere close.
Author tart6245 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I don't have any romantic feelings for her. I'm just ashamed over how I acted last weekend. If it had been in any other circumstance I doubt I would have said anything, but it was the perfect storm. But I will wait a few weeks at least and see if time helps her cool off and attempt to reconnect with her when the fight is less fresh in our minds. Since she doesn't have many friends in the first place, I hope she starts missing our friendship by then and is at least willing to try and talk about things like she was the night of the fight. If I'm lucky...
Author tart6245 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) Actually, I never called her a whore or questioned her morals. I just read our argument over text. I just said I felt she used me for what I could give her while she did whatever she wanted. I said that other people had warned me and I had defended her over and over because I felt she was a good person. I actually feel....better....about this thing now. I wasn't nearly as mean to her as I thought. Maybe there is hope. Her blocking of me after inviting me over to talk seems like an overreaction now. I merely told her I felt used for what I could give her. If I give this a few weeks, I think she will talk unless I really hit a nerve and she's been called those things before, user, etc. Edited September 2, 2013 by tarheelian
Author tart6245 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 I get to sit beside her tomorrow in class. I bet this will go oh so well!
JDPT Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I just want our friendship back. I don't care if I lose the benefits. I enjoyed doing things with her, and I didn't want to screw it up like this to where we have to avoid each other during our final year in grad school. I would be perfectly fine spending time with her without the sex, especially if she's sleeping around. I just don't want to know about it if she does if she is having one night stands all the time. I just want an honest friendship at this point without any questionable behavior like in the past. That would give me peace of mind. You are way too desperate. Let he her go, I personally don't see friendship beyond a relationship but then again that's just me. It appears that you are willing to submit to a life of pain down the road by making yourself believe that you will be perfectly fine being her "friend" and not knowing if she is sleeping around. However, the day you find out and perhaps confirm she is sleeping around it will hit you like boulder and back to square one you go.
Author tart6245 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Yeah, I've already accepted that she's probably been sleeping around the entire time we were seeing each other. She just is that type of person. With each passing day, I'm thinking more and more that she isn't worth salvaging. I would hate to hear that on the nights we weren't together she was calling random guys to come over, and unfortunately given her reputation that may actually not be far from accurate.
Chi townD Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Yeah, I've already accepted that she's probably been sleeping around the entire time we were seeing each other. She just is that type of person. With each passing day, I'm thinking more and more that she isn't worth salvaging. I would hate to hear that on the nights we weren't together she was calling random guys to come over, and unfortunately given her reputation that may actually not be far from accurate. FINALLY!!!! Growing a spine there! (not trying to be mean...just want you to open your eyes!) You need to look at the big picture here. You stated that you never defined your relationship with her. Yet, you dated her for 9 months. I don't know about you; but, to me, it sounds like a commitment! She threw away 9 months of a caring and loving relationship and friendship for a complete stranger she opened up the door for (which is incredibly stupid and dangerous). It has to bogglethe mind how quickly she could make that decision and toss you to the curb for a roll in the hay. Then you got angry and you let your feelings known AS YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO!!! She did that. She hurt you. So, it's a normal response to try and make her feel some of the pain that you're feeling. Absolutely normal. Then, you want to apologize for some of the things you said?!?! You had every right to say those things because it was how you were feeling in the moment. Just move on dude. Don't look back.
Author tart6245 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 I guess apologizing was just so I could come out the better person. I know in the public sphere, the judgment has already been handed down, so I'm not worried about that. Since we are in the same class and same area, I just wanted to cut the tension so I wouldn't have to deal with it for the rest of the year. I don't intend to go back to how they were. I know what she's about and there's no denying it anymore like I had been for months. But in the end, I know people don't mean anything to her. She has no close friends, never had a boyfriend, so I guess to her this wont matter either. It's just another "confusing" situation that she will always wonder why x person decided she was crazy. One day, maybe she will get it. When that day comes, I'll be long gone.
Author tart6245 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 And I guess it just stings because we had a good thing going and she did toss it aside for a random guy like I was nothing. I've never had anyone do that to me before - no one has never been so cold and odd about it, but I knew of her reputation and I had plenty of warnings to not get involved with her, even if it was just for fun, but I didn't listen and here I am beating myself up over it. I wanted to have the last laugh.
Chi townD Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I guess apologizing was just so I could come out the better person. Dude, did you bang a waitress in a restaurant bathroom that you just met because you thought she was cute? Dude, you already ARE the better person.
Author tart6245 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Dude, did you bang a waitress in a restaurant bathroom that you just met because you thought she was cute? Dude, you already ARE the better person. I know. I think this is just about my ego and that I apparently wasn't good enough for this girl, even though I know she's trash, most think she's trash in our class, and no one thinks I'm lesser of a guy because of it. I'm just venting. I won't do anything to make her feel any better about it because she doesn't deserve it at all. She deserves to be alone and watch her friends all find boyfriends while she flounders alone and constantly wonder why guys think she's insane.
Author tart6245 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 The more I talk this over with people, the more they laugh and tell me to let this crazy girl go. Most have told me she has some serious issues she needs to deal with, and I don't need to be the one to harness them at all - especially the idea that she was proud of her one night stand and that she said she doesn't care about any opinions of her friends. I think I am going to back off and not apologize. She needed to hear what I said. Perhaps she got so angry was because the truth hurt, and she didn't want to admit it.
Chi townD Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 There ya go! Let her know that her actions have consequences and that not every guy is going to think that she's a good person. Let her learn from this and let her know that there are some people in this world that aren't going to bend over and kiss her ass.
Author tart6245 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 There ya go! Let her know that her actions have consequences and that not every guy is going to think that she's a good person. Let her learn from this and let her know that there are some people in this world that aren't going to bend over and kiss her ass. I haven't met a guy that thinks she's a good person... And most people she's known have left her. I am just the latest. She will continue going on wondering why no one likes her and why people think she's crazy.
Author tart6245 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I'm doing much better now. I am still weighing an apology, but I really have no urge to say anything at this point. While I may have gone over the line, I'm not sure we can salvage any type of friendship at this point in our relationship given what happened. I don't see her as the forgiving type nor the type mature enough to work things out.
Author tart6245 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I really have to fix this situation for my own sanity. Today is one of those days where I'm feeling really remorseful. I get really close to emailing her an apology I've written, but then I pull back. I just think she deserves an apology simply for me judging her given I wasn't dating her. I don't know if it will do any good, but I feel like it would give me peace of mind knowing I tried to right a wrong I committed. It's been almost a month now. Am I crazy? Do I need to step away from the ledge?
Author tart6245 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 I'm starting to noticed that the only time I really want to apologize to this girl about my behavior is when I'm near her. On the days when I don't have class, she's out of sight, out of mind. I just don't know the proper time to email her. I guess any time will do. Maybe midweek this week.
Author tart6245 Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Case in point, my situation. You have a girl who acted like she wanted a relationship for months and wanted to do things couples do. The girl suffers from anxiety issues though, well documented to you, and also has a poor reputation for being a user. The girl has a one night stand with a stranger. I get mad for stupid reasons and say some bad things to her after drinking. Girl wants to talk, I decline because I am drunk. Girl blows up, blocks me from her phone and later FB after I tried apologizing but accidentally slipped in an insult into it. I was wrong. I was an idiot for judging. I messed up a decent friendship. I am torn between apologizing again, for real, via email, because I am not sure face to face is possible, even though I see her twice a week in class. It has been over 3 weeks now since this happened. I don't want to look weak though or like I'm trying to crawl back to her. I do think I acted poorly though, and it was out of character for me. Is it even worth going through? Does it ever work? Am I just opening myself up to more disappointment if she ignores it?
Simon Phoenix Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 The apology works if she initiates contact. Honestly dude, you say you aren't into this girl, but I think you are kind of lying to yourself at this point. 1
Author tart6245 Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 I liked this girl, but I was never in a position to date her or anyone for that matter. But you're probably right. Although I don't see any scenario where she'd ever approach me at this stage. She already said I intimidated her whenever she was with me/talked to me. With her anxiety problems, it just isn't in the cards that she will do anything.
Author tart6245 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I finally broke down and emailed this girl an apology last Thursday for acting like an ass. I didn't ask her to contact me, but I told her I was wrong about what I said and she didn't deserve any of it. She hasn't responded or unblocked me from FB, which is not surprising to me, but we'll see what the future holds. IF she never comes back or even opens the lines of communication, I think it will confirm to me that she never really cared for what we had - she only wanted me for what I could do for her. At any rate, I feel better that I reached out and said what I needed to say to right my wrong. If she's still angry over it, well, that's her own issue.
Author tart6245 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 The silence broke last night. My grad school went on a harbor cruise and we were both there. I saw her, but never spoke to her the entire night. Afterwards, as my group was leaving the parking deck, I heard someone shout my name. It was her. I walked over to her and she said she was drunk and preceded to follow me to a bar. We talked there for a bit. Then she said she had forgiven me but we couldn't be friends because of what I said. I told her I never asked to be her friend again, but I was happy she forgave me and I said I wasn't mad at her anymore either. Then I told her to take care of herself and she left. That's closure for me, although I am afraid I haven't heard the last from her. With people like her, I am sure there is some ulterior motive to that.
Chi townD Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 The silence broke last night. My grad school went on a harbor cruise and we were both there. I saw her, but never spoke to her the entire night. Afterwards, as my group was leaving the parking deck, I heard someone shout my name. It was her. I walked over to her and she said she was drunk and preceded to follow me to a bar. We talked there for a bit. Then she said she had forgiven me but we couldn't be friends because of what I said. I told her I never asked to be her friend again, but I was happy she forgave me and I said I wasn't mad at her anymore either. Then I told her to take care of herself and she left. That's closure for me, although I am afraid I haven't heard the last from her. With people like her, I am sure there is some ulterior motive to that. Really?!?!? How about owning up to what she did that CAUSED you to say those things? So, basically, she made you the heavy to make herself feel better. I forgive YOU for the things YOU said to me, but we can't be friends BECAUSE of the things you said to me.....REALLY?!?!? Did she apologize for being a total sl*t? Did she apologize for hurting you and breaking your heart? Did she own up to ANY of her sh*t? 1
Author tart6245 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 Really?!?!? How about owning up to what she did that CAUSED you to say those things? So, basically, she made you the heavy to make herself feel better. I forgive YOU for the things YOU said to me, but we can't be friends BECAUSE of the things you said to me.....REALLY?!?!? Did she apologize for being a total sl*t? Did she apologize for hurting you and breaking your heart? Did she own up to ANY of her sh*t? Yeah, I don't expect her to ever own up to her mistakes. She doesn't have the character for that. It's funny she came out and said "we still can't be friends because I am afraid if we are you'll just get mad at me again" when I never asked her to be friends with me again. A "friend" of hers who was told of what I did told me she isn't someone I can trust and to leave her alone.... this was coming from a supposed friend of hers. Yikes. I laughed and told her I had no intentions of being friends with her again and left it at that. She looked miserable and spent the whole night with that one loser she's dragged along for years and never really did anything else. No need to kick her while she's down. I talked to her roommate for a while and bought her a drink, so I bet that's what caused her to track me down and talk to me. I had a good time, I was nice to her about it, and left it at that. She'll be back though, and this time I won't be there with open arms to greet her. But she will grow so bored of having no one to see that she will come crawling back to me.
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