Let's solve all our problems by ignoring them

[JoelT]

It's been 5 days since we broke up. It came completely unexpected for me; but it is was obviously pre-decided for her. It wasn't something that arose from the heat of the moment, like an argument. We had a long talk, well, I did most of the talking and while she did give me a few reasons, she wasn't exactly forthcoming with them and seemed to be really hurt and choked up. I urged her to reconsider but she said she couldn't.

 

The next day I texted to ask how she was doing. She replied that she was trying to be okay. I managed to find out a little more about her reasons, and gave her my take on them, basically to the effect that I felt completely misunderstood, and that had made mistakes but had always loved her, which she felt was in doubt. Her last words to me were that she felt she had made mistakes too, but that it was too late..."isn't it?". I told her that it was not and that I loved her, and that I believed we could fix this. She didn't reply.

 

I texted again the next day, and told her to let me know when she was ready to talk, and left it at that. That was two days ago. No reply since.

 

All the time in between has been agony. I feel that I was completely misunderstood, that her decision was made on false pretenses. I had asked if it was someone else, and she said no. I feel strongly the need to say my peace because all along in our relationship of 1 and a half years it was good, with little indication otherwise, and whatever problems there have obviously now been she certainly kept to herself. I know that ending a relationship does not have to be a mutual decision but I feel fundamentally wronged because from the reasons that I was given, my position was completely misunderstood! Can you imagine, being judged silently upon appearances and not upon facts, and having the judgement passed on decisively to you? Could you stomach this injustice?

 

I love this girl. Yes, I want her back, but I don't want to unduly pressure her into talking to me, or making any decisions. But I feel that it is absolutely necessary for me to clear the air. I understand that if we both ignore this it will eventually die. I harbor no illusions to the contrary. Everything, good or bad will eventually fade if ignored into oblivion. But I am certain that I will have a hard time living with myself if I walk away without giving it the best I can to shed light upon the truth, whatever the outcome.

 

What should I do?

[Soat]

She wanted to end it. You didn't miscommunicate. You made it clear you wanted to stay together. It's an awkward situation for the dumper so they may say things to cushion the blow on the dumpee. her actions speak louder than her words

[DresdenKing]

I like how you've formulated your thoughts, Joel. Very reasonable questions you're asking on your quest for truth. You feel wronged and want to know what you did to deserve it. Sadly though, she's made up her mind and it was most certainly premeditated; the only truth you need to know is that she has fallen out of love with you and that is basically why she has decided to leave.

 

You can probe and ask for the precise reasons all you want... I doubt she knows them all herself. Maybe you were no longer a challenge to her and she realized she doesn't really love you but the pursuit/idea of you. Maybe she's scared of commitment. It doesn't matter in the end. You'll only meet more adversity and confusion by pawing at her like a puppy desperate for attention which will further drive her away. What you need to keep in mind is that people who dump you don't love you anymore. And that's all the closure you can ever hope to get.

[me0wth]

My gf broke up with me a week ago and I she still loves me but I am not going to contact her until she comes back to me. I am scared that I will lose all of my feelings for her by the time that she does contact me. You should do the same, we can be in it together. I am going to ignore her phone calls and texts even if it is hard. The only way I could get with her is if she came knocking on my door crying and hugging me. Even then, I might not do it.

[JoelT]

Soat, DresdenKing:

 

Thank you guys for weighing in, basically distilling the essense of the situation to the fact that whatever the reasons, choices were made, the consequences of which are now my reality.

 

She gave up on me/our relationship/ lost her love for me, that so much is clear and cannot be undone. Like everyone else dealing with loss here on LS, I am struggling with the abruptness (which always seems to hit no matter how long you've seen it coming), the disorientation of change, and the emotional grief.

 

The thing is, I'm no masochist, but I'm not trying to escape the pain of loss. I accept that it is part and parcel of loving, as natural a product of attachment as the joy we seek out so fervently and relish in. I understand that to never feel pain would require never feeling attached, an alternative I am not keen on choosing. It hurts, I cry, I feel better. I do however, exercise my choice not to indulge in the pain of delusion and self-loathing, "woe is me, it was perfect, I will die alone, how could you do this to me?!" etc. That's the stuff that really haunts you.

 

I get what you guys are trying to say but indulge me on this: what if the reason that she left was because she was really secretly a masked crime fighting superhero, and feared that I would become the target of her archenemies?

 

Yes, actions speak louder than words, but doesn't the context of those actions count as well?

 

I'm not a helpless victim of circumstance, I am a recipient of an action. Don't I get to act as well?

 

I have no intention of making any futile attempt to erase the past, or rewrite history. I do believe, however, that I have to take a stake in my future, one that I would like her to be in.

 

Does this make any sense at all?

Edited August 25, 2013 by JoelT

[JoelT]

me0wth:

 

I am sorry to hear that

 

I'm actually wondering if NC is the best course of action all the time, every time. I understand that if communication is going to be successful, both parties have to receptive and not be in the throes of confusion and violent emotions... that much makes 100% sense.

 

But is there ever a time when somebody simpy has to break down the wall the other has put up? Not for reasons like simply wanting to get your way, or anything like that, but because love would compell you not to give up, to give it all you've got? Has that ever happened? Am I in denial? Does this reek of useless idealism?

 

Just thinking aloud... do not take it as advice! I'm in no position to dispense any.

 

Do you know for certain what you want? I think that's important.

 

Hang in there.

[Soat]

You're asking question a)you won't ever know the true answers b) you probably won't ever be satisfied with answers you get c)maybe she's just crazy

[Demoralised_10]

JoelT,

Same position as you mate, sudden unexpected break up as my ex says her feelings have changed almost overnight.

Of course out natural instinct is to question the reason why and like you have really had no answers apart from small things where I too feel I have been misunderstood.

After a couple of days of feverishly trying to get my point across to no avail, I went NC until I broke it a couple of days ago when she contacted me.

Like other responses, am not sure a) we are not going to get the answers we seek and B) no amount of answers are going to give us the gratification, we will look for more.

My Ex knows I love her, I am going to ignore any future texts and go back to NC to begin my healing process again. I want to fight for this but I'm not sure I'm going to win the battle but only produce more elevated heartache which I can't take right now.

[AlphaRS]

You seem like a very relatable and smart guy, who, like myself, is trying to use logic to explain the emotional thought process of women in a situation such as this and to 'fix' it.

 

I am going through the exact same thing. Back when my ex of a 2 year relationship was 'chasing' me and I was screening her for qualities that I liked and disliked, I made sure to tell her everything I did and didn't want in a relationship and surprisingly she agreed 100% with everything I said and expanded on those ideas and told me WHY she agreed with them, which was a breath of fresh air. I let my guard down over a few months and let her into my life. We Fell in love. Best dam gf I had.

 

Then, it hit... so abruptly; she became distant, cold, sexless, sad, disconnected from me, almost instantly. A loving, infatuated gf of 2 years turned into a zombie overnight. This lasted for about a month... a month of what became arguments almost daily, initiated by her about the stupidest of things. WE NEVER ARGUED... frustration grew in both of us. No sex. Frustration grew. No two-way initiation of conversations. Frustration grew. We tried to talk it out, why she was 'feeling' this way, but the talks were little more than a bandaid on a bullet wound. There was no communication on her part, just... distance in her eyes.

 

The isolation and disconnection grew. She deliberately premeditated the destruction of this relationship, and I felt what was happening in my gut. Then, after a few days of barely seeing her except to watch each other sleep, she decided to cancel plans and not hangout for two days in a row, and I knew this is what she was going after, and I gave in, flipped out and told her "if you don't want to put any effort into this relationship anymore then come get your stuff in leave, I'm done."

 

I was forced to be the bad guy and break up with her due to her lack of EVERYTHING in the relationship. Now she is the victim... I didn't want this, I just wanted us to work, but now I'm the bad guy and she has a 'right' to be mad at me and tell her friends I broke up with her. She began No Contact on me from that point on, even when I apologized for overreacting and just wanted to have a conversation how we got to this point. Ignored. Multiple times. I get the hint.

 

SHE IS NC ME!?! Instead of owning up to anything she was feeling, she avoided the whole confrontation by being passive aggressive and forcing me to do the dirty work. Now she can be mad and NC me and not feel guilty. The manipulation is gut wrenching it just turns my stomach thinking about it, how did I not see this horrible side of her early on? There was no closure, there was no explanation, nothing, nada, zilch, just cold-hearted, immature, tactics and games to escape and run away from something instead of facing it like an adult.

 

My emotions range from sad to angry to lost to free, but like you said my man, actions speak so much louder than words. Obviously there is something going on in HER life that you don't know about, and that you probably don't want to know about at this point. The context is irrelevant. It is that it happened and her emotions don't care enough to fix it. She knows she can fix things if she so chooses to, but the fact of the matter is this: Our EX's are choosing not to be with us. Wake up call. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and is willing to hurt you so dearly like this and void your trust for them?

 

THE ONLY ANSWER IS NC... and to show you don't care, AT ALL! Shrug it off your back and move on. The NC will probably spark her interest in you again at some point, and she will contact you, but the objective of NC... is to heal yourself. When she comes crawling back in a month or two or more, then you can decide if you can even trust her to not do something like this again, or you will be healed and found someone better.

 

We are all going to make it, so NC, begin healing, hit the gym, focus on your future and well being, and stay confident my friend. There are 3 billion women on this earth. Be who you were before you met this girl, and continue to be a new and improved version of that. NEVER lose yourself next time in relationship, always be working towards a goal for yourself. Be her best option, by being the best you can be to yourself, and she will go nowhere.

 

God Bless

 

 

 

 

Soat, DresdenKing:

 

Thank you guys for weighing in, basically distilling the essense of the situation to the fact that whatever the reasons, choices were made, the consequences of which are now my reality.

 

She gave up on me/our relationship/ lost her love for me, that so much is clear and cannot be undone. Like everyone else dealing with loss here on LS, I am struggling with the abruptness (which always seems to hit no matter how long you've seen it coming), the disorientation of change, and the emotional grief.

 

The thing is, I'm no masochist, but I'm not trying to escape the pain of loss. I accept that it is part and parcel of loving, as natural a product of attachment as the joy we seek out so fervently and relish in. I understand that to never feel pain would require never feeling attached, an alternative I am not keen on choosing. It hurts, I cry, I feel better. I do however, exercise my choice not to indulge in the pain of delusion and self-loathing, "woe is me, it was perfect, I will die alone, how could you do this to me?!" etc. That's the stuff that really haunts you.

 

I get what you guys are trying to say but indulge me on this: what if the reason that she left was because she was really secretly a masked crime fighting superhero, and feared that I would become the target of her archenemies?

 

Yes, actions speak louder than words, but doesn't the context of those actions count as well?

 

I'm not a helpless victim of circumstance, I am a recipient of an action. Don't I get to act as well?

 

I have no intention of making any futile attempt to erase the past, or rewrite history. I do believe, however, that I have to take a stake in my future, one that I would like her to be in.

 

Does this make any sense at all?

 

me0wth:

 

I am sorry to hear that

 

I'm actually wondering if NC is the best course of action all the time, every time. I understand that if communication is going to be successful, both parties have to receptive and not be in the throes of confusion and violent emotions... that much makes 100% sense.

 

But is there ever a time when somebody simpy has to break down the wall the other has put up? Not for reasons like simply wanting to get your way, or anything like that, but because love would compell you not to give up, to give it all you've got? Has that ever happened? Am I in denial? Does this reek of useless idealism?

 

Just thinking aloud... do not take it as advice! I'm in no position to dispense any.

 

Do you know for certain what you want? I think that's important.

 

Hang in there.

Edited August 26, 2013 by AlphaRS

[DresdenKing]

^ Alpha, I couldn't have worded that better myself. Great first post. I went through the exact same type of breakup (extremely sudden disconnect, distance-in-the-eyes, cold shoulder) a little over a week ago now and I've decided for my own good that I'm going to move on. Not to spite her, but to heal myself.

 

If it helps, I find a little Socratic dialogue with yourself now and then can be surprisingly insightful and answer many of the questions you have. Hindsight can help show you things from another perspective you were blind to while in the relationship, and reveal the holes which led to the sudden sinking of your loveboat. That requires a clear head though, and NC is the way to achieve that. It's more work than it's worth to interrogate the ex because it will be a one-sided logical conversation with the other wrought with emotion, and you'll walk away with even MORE questions. Perhaps most regrettably, perhaps, is that you'll invariably push her even further away.

 

Commiserating bro-hugs all around.

[AlphaRS]

NC in full effect. I will be updating this thread with my thoughts, just to keep my head clear, and I hope to be hearing from you guys as well. I've had many girlfriends, LTR's, One night stands, and flings in the past... but SHE was the one who literally stole my heart. Somehow, she broke into my fortress when my walls were down, proceeded to find her way through my labrynth of thoughts, found my heart... and no sooner had I began to trust her with it after being hurt in the past, she took off with it for only God knows what reason.

 

In hindsight, I think I know what went wrong, regardless of her not saying a peep, and there really wasn't much I could have done different regardless of if I saw it or not at the time. It was me, not moving forward in life, instead becoming complacent and unmotivated and taking too long to get to where I wanted to be. I will get there, I am on the right path, just slowly and I think she got sick of waiting around. She lost attraction, and I did see the signs, I was just naive to think that she wouldn't leave me. And maybe another guy came around as well? Perfect timing for him right? I'm at slower point in my life, shes getting irritated, we both start arguing due to her sudden lack of zero effort being put in, and another option shows up. Talk about the grass is greener syndrome.

 

But at what point do you get to stop worrying about making one mistake in fear that your 'loved' one will stop loving you? So, she never really truly 'loved' me by my definition otherwise she wouldn't have took the easy way out. Just ranting my thoughts.

 

Actions are ~90% of human communication. Fact. Ever get that gut-feeling about something? That's your subconscious processing those actions and warning you what you didn't necessarily hear come from someones mouth, but saw in their actions. It really is a sixth sense if you think about it, I'm sure you all can look back at times when your gut was right but you didn't know why it was right.

 

Godspeed my friends

Edited August 26, 2013 by AlphaRS

[JoelT]

Soat: You're probably right. Throwing words around and asking questions that will never elicit conclusive answers is certainly exhausting. Eventually, we've all got to learn what we can from our situations, eliminate the obviously faulty reasonings, and just pick an answer we can live with and act upon. Because time and life does not wait. Ideas do not make history, acting on them does.

[JayLoveBaby]

This Group Is As Good As Paid Therapy ! Thank you...I haven't shared my story yet, because it's still fresh but my time will come. Just taking in others stories. So many similarities. Found this group by accident...

 

 

Thanks,

 

 

Jay

[JoelT]

Like other responses, am not sure a) we are not going to get the answers we seek and B) no amount of answers are going to give us the gratification, we will look for more.

 

My emotions range from sad to angry to lost to free, but like you said my man, actions speak so much louder than words. Obviously there is something going on in HER life that you don't know about, and that you probably don't want to know about at this point. The context is irrelevant. It is that it happened and her emotions don't care enough to fix it. She knows she can fix things if she so chooses to, but the fact of the matter is this: Our EX's are choosing not to be with us. Wake up call. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and is willing to hurt you so dearly like this and void your trust for them?

 

But at what point do you get to stop worrying about making one mistake in fear that your 'loved' one will stop loving you? So, she never really truly 'loved' me by my definition otherwise she wouldn't have took the easy way out. Just ranting my thoughts.

 

Hi guys, thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences and thoughts. They have really helped to give me some perspective. The three quotes I included above hit me the hardest.

 

Well, just an update on what has been going on. I texted her two days ago. She did not ignore me, but was uncommunicative at best, responding with curt replies to innocuous questions. After a certain point I realised that it was pointless to skirt around the elephant in the room, that she was not about to warm up to me and expressed my intention to simply talk to her, to clear the air, to say my peace.

 

She told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to hurt me any more and wanted me to know that she no longer felt the same way about me, could not reciprocate, and for this reason we could not be fixed. She said she wanted the best for me. She said she wanted us to be friends, but that it would take time. She said she didn't think it was a good idea for us to meet, or talk on the phone right now.

 

This was as coldly textbook as it could have been (with the exception of complete NC), it was clear that she had decided to leave the past firmly behind and did not want to draw this out. It hurt, and still hurts, that the warmth that we shared would come to this, but I understand her intentions and appreciate her honesty.

 

I thanked her for the good times and the indelible mark that she has left on my life, and wished her the best on her journey. I apologised and expressed my regret for the mistakes that I made that no doubt hurt her through the course of our relationship, and told her that although I am disappointed that she has had a change of heart, that I love her and was not afraid to say so because it would not change the fact, that instead of hurting me she did quite the opposite and freed me - for it seems that so clear to me now that love is not only a possibility but a truth, a gift as precious as life itself. That there is no pain in love, only in self-cherishing, and I finally recognise the distinction.

 

No strategy, no game plan, no begging her to come back. I just needed to clear the air and say what I believed to be true. I don't think I am putting her on a pedestal when I say this, but I believe she gave me all she could, for which I am only grateful, it just wasn't enough for this to work. It counts for much less now, but I just wanted to give her the same. The way I see it, it was an honest try, with whatever limited resources available to us at the time. The reasons are not worth speculating, and good or bad is simply a label we give our perceptions - it just is. We were growing, just in different directions and at different speeds. It was just unfortunate that we seemed to be sending all our letters to each other to the wrong address, I just wanted to make sure that she would get this last one before I left. She has, and it's NC from here on out.

 

I need to get my **** together, and so does she. If we do cross paths again, it will be as different people who perhaps knew each other in a previous life. It wouldn't be be "going back" to what we had, it would be something completely new and if we learnt our lessons, something infinitely better. If and when it happens, is something to be seen - But I'm not going to hold my breath. It might seem like an incredibly callous attitude to adopt with someone you supposedly love, but I realise that no future of any kind can really flourish for myself, with her or with anyone else if I don't let go of the past.

 

To everyone who has contributed, I hope to hear your progress. Bro hugs all around!

Edited August 28, 2013 by JoelT

[youngnlove89]

Joel,

 

I think your situation varies from everyone else on here, or at least for most. I believe you to be a lot like my ex, fear of commitment which led you to the abrupt ending of your relationship.

 

It's a shock to your system, because everything you believed turned its back on you. You thought you wanted this, but in the end it was the opposite of what you wanted. That fear grew inside and rooted itself into your being, it became you.

 

I would love to talk to you privately, but unfortunately you haven't been here long enough to private message.

 

I do believe in your relationship and I do believe that it can work. But there are precautionary steps you have to take. I can sympathize with your ex and her decisions, as I had to make the very same decision.

 

I'd like to give you my email if that's possible. I have a gmail account. alwayscoffee1989. I hope you can put that together. Message me sometimes, I think we can help each other out.

 

It's been 5 days since we broke up. It came completely unexpected for me; but it is was obviously pre-decided for her. It wasn't something that arose from the heat of the moment, like an argument. We had a long talk, well, I did most of the talking and while she did give me a few reasons, she wasn't exactly forthcoming with them and seemed to be really hurt and choked up. I urged her to reconsider but she said she couldn't.

 

The next day I texted to ask how she was doing. She replied that she was trying to be okay. I managed to find out a little more about her reasons, and gave her my take on them, basically to the effect that I felt completely misunderstood, and that had made mistakes but had always loved her, which she felt was in doubt. Her last words to me were that she felt she had made mistakes too, but that it was too late..."isn't it?". I told her that it was not and that I loved her, and that I believed we could fix this. She didn't reply.

 

I texted again the next day, and told her to let me know when she was ready to talk, and left it at that. That was two days ago. No reply since.

 

All the time in between has been agony. I feel that I was completely misunderstood, that her decision was made on false pretenses. I had asked if it was someone else, and she said no. I feel strongly the need to say my peace because all along in our relationship of 1 and a half years it was good, with little indication otherwise, and whatever problems there have obviously now been she certainly kept to herself. I know that ending a relationship does not have to be a mutual decision but I feel fundamentally wronged because from the reasons that I was given, my position was completely misunderstood! Can you imagine, being judged silently upon appearances and not upon facts, and having the judgement passed on decisively to you? Could you stomach this injustice?

 

I love this girl. Yes, I want her back, but I don't want to unduly pressure her into talking to me, or making any decisions. But I feel that it is absolutely necessary for me to clear the air. I understand that if we both ignore this it will eventually die. I harbor no illusions to the contrary. Everything, good or bad will eventually fade if ignored into oblivion. But I am certain that I will have a hard time living with myself if I walk away without giving it the best I can to shed light upon the truth, whatever the outcome.

 

What should I do?

[LinkWorshiper]

Reading all these more intelligent comments on here has been very refreshing. People trying to consider the actual situation instead of slapping on bumper sticker advice. Kudos to this thread, IMO.

 

But I think it's important in all these situations, no matter how much it hurts, to be true to your own feelings. Doing that, whether it's to let go or hold on, isn't ever going to be the easy road, but I believe it's the only way to get the right kinds of results. I relate to a lot of you guys in you feelings, so I hope that logic makes sense to you.

 

My boyfriend had a freak out when we broke up about eight months ago. Like he literally just reached a point in his head where he cracked, though it didn't have a thing to do with me. We've ridden the rollercoaster while he tries to figure himself out -- and he seriously has been -- and I've stood by him, even though sometimes other people think it's stupid that I have. Not that I'm there at his beck and call, but I have repeatedly told him if he needs to talk, I'm there, that I still love him very much and I understand what he's going through. (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.) And even when *I* reached a point where it was a bit much and I had to go NC on him, he has made an effort to reach out to me with a handwritten letter about his struggles, his unhappiness being casual acquaintances and his hope that we will meet again and I'll forgive him. And I wrote him back despite many people telling me not to. I texted him a few weeks later when I felt moved to, and it started conversation again. For the past two weeks, he has been sending me at least one message every day asking about things I'm doing, letting me know he got into something I'm interested in, etc. He's a little awkward in social scenes (I saw him at a party), but I'm hoping we can talk privately soon, though it scares me what is going on and why he's suddenly putting in this effort. Scared because I don't know what his angle is and will I be hurt. I really hope he's trying to make the effort though.....

 

Anyway, my point is that I think that honesty is the best policy. I don't think I would have gotten back here with my darling ex if I had adhered to the common advice I seem to find here, which is knee-jerk punishment and absolutely no efforts to try and at least be on the same page. I think resolution comes from connection, and how are you supposed to have that if you go NC to "teach a lesson". I think that even if it hurts, you have to put yourself out there, which is always a risk. But isn't it worth it?

[youngnlove89]

LW,

 

I absolutely agree with you! It's so easy to tell everyone else what to do and how to do it, but when you find yourself in the same position, it's not so easy. Everyone's first reaction is to go NC and move on. But that isn't so simple. There are memories, love and attachment involved.

 

I believe in certain situations it's okay not to follow advice and rules, I believe it's best to do what you want because it is your life after all. We all know the consequences, we all know the best option, but when love is involved...it doesn't matter. I'll take all the pain, all the regret if love is a possibility. It's better to fight with everything you have knowing you did everything you could without wondering later, "what if I could have done more..."

[joe86]

Does this make any sense at all?

 

Yes, every word you've said. I am on the exact same page, but far lack your ability to put things in to words!

 

I had the same thing happen to me for the second time. I get it this time. I learn from my mistakes but will always look for logic even where it cannot be found.

 

Reading all these more intelligent comments on here has been very refreshing. People trying to consider the actual situation instead of slapping on bumper sticker advice. Kudos to this thread, IMO

 

here here

[flitzanu]

It's been 5 days since we broke up. It came completely unexpected for me; but it is was obviously pre-decided for her. It wasn't something that arose from the heat of the moment, like an argument. We had a long talk, well, I did most of the talking and while she did give me a few reasons, she wasn't exactly forthcoming with them and seemed to be really hurt and choked up. I urged her to reconsider but she said she couldn't.

 

The next day I texted to ask how she was doing. She replied that she was trying to be okay. I managed to find out a little more about her reasons, and gave her my take on them, basically to the effect that I felt completely misunderstood, and that had made mistakes but had always loved her, which she felt was in doubt. Her last words to me were that she felt she had made mistakes too, but that it was too late..."isn't it?". I told her that it was not and that I loved her, and that I believed we could fix this. She didn't reply.

 

I texted again the next day, and told her to let me know when she was ready to talk, and left it at that. That was two days ago. No reply since.

 

All the time in between has been agony. I feel that I was completely misunderstood, that her decision was made on false pretenses. I had asked if it was someone else, and she said no. I feel strongly the need to say my peace because all along in our relationship of 1 and a half years it was good, with little indication otherwise, and whatever problems there have obviously now been she certainly kept to herself. I know that ending a relationship does not have to be a mutual decision but I feel fundamentally wronged because from the reasons that I was given, my position was completely misunderstood! Can you imagine, being judged silently upon appearances and not upon facts, and having the judgement passed on decisively to you? Could you stomach this injustice?

 

I love this girl. Yes, I want her back, but I don't want to unduly pressure her into talking to me, or making any decisions. But I feel that it is absolutely necessary for me to clear the air. I understand that if we both ignore this it will eventually die. I harbor no illusions to the contrary. Everything, good or bad will eventually fade if ignored into oblivion. But I am certain that I will have a hard time living with myself if I walk away without giving it the best I can to shed light upon the truth, whatever the outcome.

 

What should I do?

 

 

you should start by going NC. no amount of storytelling will make you feel better, and there will be "one more thing" every day you forgot to say. as youre feeling misunderstood, the misunderstanding is simply she doesnt want to date you and she left. her misunderstanding is now in why you keep thinking anuthing you have to say is going to matter.

[LinkWorshiper]

LW,

 

I absolutely agree with you! It's so easy to tell everyone else what to do and how to do it, but when you find yourself in the same position, it's not so easy. Everyone's first reaction is to go NC and move on. But that isn't so simple. There are memories, love and attachment involved.

 

I believe in certain situations it's okay not to follow advice and rules, I believe it's best to do what you want because it is your life after all. We all know the consequences, we all know the best option, but when love is involved...it doesn't matter. I'll take all the pain, all the regret if love is a possibility. It's better to fight with everything you have knowing you did everything you could without wondering later, "what if I could have done more..."

 

That's really reassuring to hear! I constantly worry that I am making the wrong choices, even when I'm going with my gut. I'm really good at coming up with "what if" scenarios based on something I think I might have screwed up on. Anyway, having said that, I have found that generally speaking, when I try to follow other people's advice, at least in my situation, it's not helped all too much. Which is why I think that regardless, going with your gut no matter what is the way to go. Because at the end of the day, it's not about that magical thing you did to make everything change to be the way you want, but constant effort, one foot in front of the other, to get to wherever you want to be, whether it's reconciliation or moving on.

 

And yes, thank goodness you seem to be of a similar philosophy as me! I wish more people were... less broken hearts. I know it would be easier to tell my man to screw off because he's too much of a mess right now, but that doesn't feel right. I love him and connect with him, even now, in a way that I haven't with anyone else before. I believe it is worth the wait instead of trying to fill a void with someone/something else. Besides, sometimes I think the attitude of just being like, 'Forget it, NC, move on,' sounds a lot like quitting before you've seen the race through. In some cases, yes, that's a good plan, but I don't think it should be the first move if love is involved. Almost every couple I know who's in a committed relationship had SOME kind of bridge to cross, and some are easier than others, but I believe that good things come to the people who fight for them.