gpastorelli Posted November 11, 2004 Posted November 11, 2004 Hello all. I found this website after searching through google for some kind of resource to help deal with this pain. Below is the story... My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. She's become an integral part of my daily life and that of my family. I, due to past relationships, was very controlling, posessive, and distrusting (if thats a word). I knew I was this way, my mother warned me that one day I'd regret how I was. I never took her advice, instead I kept acting the way I did. Everytime my girlfriend (we'll call her Rose) wanted to talk about how things were I would brush it off and not want to talk, or throw it into an argument. I never thought it would end up like this. I never thought she was serious when she said "you keep treating me like this and I'm gonna leave you one day" I never thought she'd have "the balls" to do this. And most of all I never thought I'd be so hurt. I left for my 3rd business trip in 3 months to Orlando Florida. I had done these trips before, on one of them to Virigina she drove down and stayed with me for 4 of the 9 days. This was different, I was never away for 16 days. And just a week before we had gotten into a huge fight over her "flirting". I didn't feel at ease for leaving. So the nite before I was to leave as we layed in bed, I told her " i don't want to leave. support me and tell me not to leave and I won't". Rose told me "you need to, you can't lose this job." So I left and things were good up until maybe the 6th day I was out there. We started to argue. The next day after talking to a married colleague about the importance of treating everything a woman tells you as important to you as it is to them and how when you don't it makes them feel as if there life is nothing is bad. I called her that nite and told her I bad I felt. How bad I felt for putting my career ahead and when she came to me with her problems or issues I blew them off as "little things". That nite I knew when I came home things would be different, boy was I ever so right, but not the different I was expecting. About the 10 or 11th day i was gone she had a weird attitude and was very argumentive. She ended the convo with saying " I dont want to be with you anymore". Hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, what the heck was she doing, i'm 1,500 miles away and she's doing this now. I figure she was just blowing steam, so I wait til that nite and call. Nope, she was serious, she wanted to be single, she wanted to do all the things she couldn't do when we were together. She wanted to "live her life". As me coming home nears we talk a little, I finally break down in tears (which I never did for her, well not ABOUT her) telling her how much I loved her and how much I wanted to come home and change and how she wasn't giving me a chance. One of the things she said which hurt the most was "You had your chances, you don't remember?" and all of a suddent images in my head of me acting stupid and her giving me chances passed by me. She said she'll give it thought and let me know when I get home. We worked it out so when the limo dropped me off, if she was at my house, she wanted to be with me, if she wasn't, then we were through. Just some background information on new things that arose just prior to me leaving. She got a new job as a waitress at a local resort that I used to work at. This resort is horrible for gossip and ppl getting in everyones business. I already know for a fact while I was gone they were slandering how bad I was and how she deserves better. I dunno if this may have gotten her thinking (hey, maybe I do...) She wasn't there, since then to shorten this up, I may have spoken to her 3 or 4 times, she still says she loves me, but not as much as I love her. She says she's happier now than she was before b/c she doesnt need to explain anything to anyone. But when I talk about wanting another shot she'll tell me " i just need time " When I hear that it gives me a little light. Here is my predicament, everyone in my family is telling me to not make any contact (NC as I've seen it on these forums) and let her come to me. But it's just so hard, going from someone being there almost 24/7 to not at all is horrible. Everything reminds me of her, half the clothes in my wardrobe she picked out, my room she re-decorated and painted, my sisters room she decorated. There are still birthday cards of my brother and sister that she wrote to them calling them her "little sister she never had". She tells me she's not sure if this is what she wants, that right now being single is what she wants. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've held her (2 of those weeks I was in Florida) and I fear if I do NC what we had will be a distant memory to her. I know she needs her space and time but it just really scares me. I can't eat, can't sleep and can't focus at work or on my studies. The thing about NC is, tomorrow (11/12) she is going to court for a stop light violation which I agreed while we were together to go to with her. During the initial break up i told her I wanted to, but couldn't. She called last nite and asked me to go, I gave her the same answer. I woke up this morning with a change of heart. I called and asked her if she still wanted me to go, she said yes. I asked her if she would go out to lunch with me afterwards, she said yes. I figured since our last talk I told her, "You don't believe I can change b/c I've said so many times before. But this time I'm serious but how can I prove it to you?" I figured now maybe if she sees maturity and sees that I'm sincere and then I invoke NC maybe it'll leave an impression on her. My family says I shouldn't go b/c it'll make me look weak, but my friends and co-workers say I should go because it'll give her a chance to stew and think about changing her mind. If we were to get back together, I told her things would be different. She'd be free to do what she wants (within reason, no "I want to go to Spain with Edwardo, do you mind?") and I would be a genuinally nicer person. I just don't know how to show her (if I can) that it's true and that this time I'm for real. I know this is long and I apologize, any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks, Greg
ltomlinson81 Posted November 11, 2004 Posted November 11, 2004 I am sorry to hear about your situation. Break-ups are ALWAYS hard. No matter what you decide to do, after about 1-2 months, things will start to get better. You won't feel great, but you will start to move past this. Healing from a break-up is a long and tedious process. While you are going through it, all you want to do is press fast-forward and move on. Believe me, I know how you are feeling right now. Only you can decide whether NC is right for you. I have to say that I did NC for almost a month with my ex. Now we are on speaking terms and we are even friendly with one another. If you do decide to initiate NC, I would take it one week at a time. If you can accomplish a week with no contact, you will feel really good. Keep a journal while you do it. In it, write down the things you would be saying to her,and then read them. It will help you to work through your feelings. At the end of each week, weigh how you feel, and then decide whether or not to make contact. Who knows, she may even contact you! As you deal with your break-up, you will begin to see why things happened and you will be able to put it all into perspective. You will either find a way to move on or get back together. That needs to happen naturally, so don't rush it. Just take a breath and step back. It will clear your head.
polycube Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 man i was just like you throwing that "if youre not happy leave " crap...we only said that cause we thought they wouldnt leave and all along we were so insecure of talking that we threw the macho crap at them..all i can say dude is take it very very very slow...i think i pressured her to come back too much and she bailed for good. if you pressure her to return she will leave forever.
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