Getting over someone vs. Getting away from someone

[thecharade]

I decided that I needed to work toward getting over my exAP, not just getting away from him. He's an old bf and first love, so I knew it would involve a lot of grief. And I'm M and wanted to give my M a fair chance, which meant I needed to end my feelings for my exMM. (I would have absolutely gotten a D for him, but since being together was not on the table, I decided I needed to try everything to save my M. If nothing works and I can't reconnect with my H, I will D. I will not stay in an ok M. That's not good enough for me.) I do not ever want to go through something so confusing and painful again, and leaving this R with my exMM unfinished would make me feel vulnerable to reinjury. No, thanks to that.

 

My exAP did not want to end. He's a cake eater at heart, and two women worked for him, made him satisfied in all areas of his life. He played all sorts of games with me, not evil but selfish games, trying to keep the A going and himself satisfied. This made it hard to keep myself out of the A, and I've obviously read a lot about this happening to others. When I pulled myself from the A, there were a lot of stops and starts, weeks of staying away followed by moments of weakness. There were bouts of wanting to meet, considering it, followed by long, hateful emails to my AP, cursing him out for agreeing. I listed all his 'wrongs' and read them frequently. I cried and cried and cried.

 

Slowly my feelings began to change. The first change was that even though I did miss him, I no longer wanted to see him. I knew I could not handle knowing the truth and allowing him to touch me. Acceptance was occurring inside me. Then the wanting to correspond lessened its grip. I felt the missing or anger, but I didn't want to share it. There were emails from him checking on me. They did throw me into emotions, but they didn't confuse me anymore. His selfishness was glaringly obvious. Sometimes I answered him, but often I did not. It didn't matter, though. My healing was internal. I knew the truth and I was accepting it.

 

Lots of angry or hurtful contact lessened to some longing and angry contact. That dimished into lots of anger and sadness that stayed unspoken. And then it turned to no real anger or sadness but simple acceptance. A pang here and there of what could have been.

 

But now? I believe the last stage of getting over someone is changing your mind about wanting them. They did this to you, caused this hurt, didn't fight for you in the face of difficulty. They were weak when you needed strong. They spent/spend days, weeks, months away from you, not changing their mind about their choice, and that reality changes you. It changes how you feel until you finally realize that even if they showed up, you wouldn't take their offer. It isn't good enough. They've done too much damage and you can't see them that way anymore.

 

NC as a goal is fine and helpful, but it's not the end result. Since hope is the killer of your soul, you can truly see your A and kill the hope when you go NC. Their lack of change speaks to you! And once the hope leaves, you don't want C. There's no joy, only insult. It feels like any other dumping: a divorce or breakup. You can't keep loving someone once you accept that they are never going to be who you hope for.

 

Has anyone else felt like this at the end? NC 'shows' you that the MP has chosen and it removes your hope and it kills your love. And then you feel OVER it. If you allow NC, both people get to see what the other really is choosing or will choose in the end.

 

NC kills hope and allows you to grieve and move on.

One year.

That's how long it took the NC/LC grief to work.

If he showed up today, I would not be happy, I would turn him away.

[BruisedBNBroken]

This is an amazing post. And you are an amazing person thecharade for sharing your experience so honestly with us. This should be stickied at the top for all to see when they come to these forums with pain, or hope.

[Daisy2013]

"Slowly my feelings began to change. The first change was that even though I did miss him, I no longer wanted to see him. I knew I could not handle knowing the truth and allowing him to touch me. Acceptance was occurring inside me. Then the wanting to correspond lessened its grip. I felt the missing or anger, but I didn't want to share it. There were emails from him checking on me. They did throw me into emotions, but they didn't confuse me anymore. His selfishness was glaringly obvious. Sometimes I answered him, but often I did not. It didn't matter, though. My healing was internal. I knew the truth and I was accepting it."

 

 

Thank you for sharing. I hope to be in this place soon. My exAP calls me once a week to check in and I run into him at my church. It hurts when he calls and says hi when we run into each other. I get strong, then fall apart on the inside again. I'm seriously asking him not to call because this is done to his desire, not mine. He won't call but once, even when I said I enjoyed getting to talk to him. When I run into him, he acts like we are just friends, and smiles, the way he used to, before he chased me. I'm seriously thinking of leaving my church, or asking him to leave. I need to heal and move on.

 

It is great you are at this point. I wish you and your M well! I'm am trying to make my M a priority. But before the A we were disconnected anyway. Now that I have experienced the emotions and joy of my A and feel like I truly loved and was loved (for what it was), I am having a difficult time focusing in my M. I can't respond like I should, and I'm "dead." I have to work through this alone.

[AlwaysGrowing]

But now? I believe the last stage of getting over someone is changing your mind about wanting them. They did this to you, caused this hurt, didn't fight for you in the face of difficulty. They were weak when you needed strong. They spent/spend days, weeks, months away from you, not changing their mind about their choice, and that reality changes you. It changes how you feel until you finally realize that even if they showed up, you wouldn't take their offer. It isn't good enough. They've done too much damage and you can't see them that way anymore.

 

Change this to:

 

But now? I believe the last stage of getting over someone is changing YOU . YOU did this to you, caused this hurt, didn't fight for you in the face of difficulty. YOU were weak when you needed strong. YOUspent/spend days, weeks, months away from you, not changing YOUR mind about YOUR choice, and that reality changes you. It changes how you feel until you finally realize that even if they showed up, you wouldn't take their offer. It isn't good enough. YOU HAVE GROWN too much and you can't see YOU that way anymore.

 

When we finally realize that we have choice in life, and it lies within..that is when we never allow ourselves to chip away at our self respect.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Thank you for sharing this - it has been a long haul but I can safely say I am almost there. There are days now I actually detest my XMM. I never thought I would get there, but I am. It's a slow road.

[DelusionalOne]

This is one of the best posts I have read out here!

Some much truth to it. I am sure you have spoken for a lot of us!

[DelusionalOne]

 

Change this to:

 

But now? I believe the last stage of getting over someone is changing YOU . YOU did this to you, caused this hurt, didn't fight for you in the face of difficulty. YOU were weak when you needed strong. YOUspent/spend days, weeks, months away from you, not changing YOUR mind about YOUR choice, and that reality changes you. It changes how you feel until you finally realize that even if they showed up, you wouldn't take their offer. It isn't good enough. YOU HAVE GROWN too much and you can't see YOU that way anymore.

 

When we finally realize that we have choice in life, and it lies within..that is when we never allow ourselves to chip away at our self respect.[/QUOTe]

 

Oh brother

[ladydesigner]

NC kills hope and allows you to grieve and move on.

One year.

That's how long it took the NC/LC grief to work.

If he showed up today, I would not be happy, I would turn him away.

 

First thecharade I just want to say that I think this part is fantastic!

 

But now? I believe the last stage of getting over someone is changing your mind about wanting them. They did this to you, caused this hurt, didn't fight for you in the face of difficulty. They were weak when you needed strong. They spent/spend days, weeks, months away from you, not changing their mind about their choice, and that reality changes you. It changes how you feel until you finally realize that even if they showed up, you wouldn't take their offer. It isn't good enough. They've done too much damage and you can't see them that way anymore.

 

I just thought the bolded was interesting because I remember feeling this way towards my xAP when my A ended. It's great while you let that frustration and anger out and use it to help you get over the person, but fact is 2 people participated in an act that caused pain so some of that needs to be owned by both, the WS and the XAP.

 

I have also felt what you bolded on the flip side as a BS towards my WH since his A with MOW.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Delusional....you can "oh brother" all you want.

 

Bottom line is that no one can take away your self-respect, only you can do that....that is why it is named SELF Respect.

 

That is true no matter how you identify yourself ow,om,mow, mom, bs...former or otherwise.

 

Once we learn to honour ourselves...we don't need to "detest" anyone. It serves no purpose. Each of us, is responsible for our life, and the choices we made. When we move on, we take the lessons learned..and live them.

[mea_M]

By having no contact your cutting all ties. Cutting all ties allows the mind to focus on other things that are healthy for it. It certainly is the first and best step towards emotional healing. Good luck.

 

Mea

[Scott Thomas]

Dear TheCharade,

 

 

You mentioned that you will try to reconnect with your husband and work for your marriage. However, if things don;t work out, you'll leave-there's no 'ok' marriage that will work for you.

 

 

I have a few nagging thought in my mind. While refraining from passing a judgement on your situation/actions, could you specifically elaborate on the work you have done?

 

Is your husband aware of the fact that you had an affair?

 

How can you expect him to work on the marriage when he doesn't even know the complete truth?

 

Don't you think it's fair to give him an honest picture of the state of your marriage? Don't you agree that the person you married, and promised to love/cherish deserves this?

 

Is the marriage 'bad' because of previous issues or did it turn sour once you decided to forsake your vows and emotionally/physically/sexually invest in another man? Are these prior issues compounded and made worse by your cheating?

[thecharade]

Scott,

Good and fair questions, but impossible to detail fully and completely.

 

Some of the work I have done prior to the A, during the A, and after the A ended 13 months ago (actually more like 17 months ago, one slip up):

 

Lots of IC. Total honesty with counselors (first one retired). My ICs told me to divorce.

Lots of website reading, BS reading, and marriage reading. Worked to see all sides.

Read all sorts of self-help books and marriage books. I worked the exercises that I found there.

Journaled a lot, tried to get to my issues, my whys.

Forced my H into IC. (My codependency had allowed him to avoid his issues because I rugswept whenever he became uncomfortable.)

Went to MC with my H, who he also sees for IC.

Got honest (accept about A) with my H, no more protecting his feelings.

Began an in-house separation until we could get clear.

Resumed our married relationship after 2 months, insisting on a new, more honest method of interacting.

Forced my H to participate in date night once a week.

Made sure that I was authentic with him and he with me.

There's much more.

 

My current counselor is a devoted Christian whose H divorced her years ago for his OW. After getting to know me well, she said, "In most cases I tell married partners to tell, but not in your case. You are already working every angle. Your husband does not seem to want to know--probably already does know--so there is no point. I have just seen so much progress in your M that I am hoping you two will help me run a couples therapy group in a year or two!" Honest to god, this is her comment to me.

 

She told me at an earlier point that she thinks I'm owning my crap and not trying to blame my H for the A.

 

I understand that people here don't agree, and I certainly respect everyone's unique perspective and situation, but again, affairs and marriages are as different as the people in them. And I trust my therapist who has lead me in the right direction so far.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, though. I wish you nothing but the best in your second R with your exW. It sounds as if you two will make it.

[Cressida]

Delusional....you can "oh brother" all you want.

 

Bottom line is that no one can take away your self-respect, only you can do that....that is why it is named SELF Respect.

 

That is true no matter how you identify yourself ow,om,mow, mom, bs...former or otherwise.

 

Once we learn to honour ourselves...we don't need to "detest" anyone. It serves no purpose. Each of us, is responsible for our life, and the choices we made. When we move on, we take the lessons learned..and live them.

 

AlwaysGrowing, please don't take this the wrong way, but I've noticed the same type of response in your comments on various thread, most of them being connected with the issue of self-respect, choices and regret, and how people should never blame anyone else but themselves for the pain or anxiety they're facing in relation to an affair (mostly with MM, but also with MW).

 

Personally I don't think all women or men on this forum/particular thread (OW/OM) are lacking self-respect. They made a choice because it was in a different context than their 'real' lives. It was what their heart desired at a moment in time,so to speak. They didn't say 'oh, I'm so worthless, I am good for nothing, I can't find a single man/cope with my husband/wife, let's go after a married person and validate myself with their lies'. I believe nobody feels like this, and never will.

 

These things happen when people let themselves guided by their emotions as opposed to their reasoning, which is indeed problematic, absolutely, but not belonging to the realm of lack of self-respect. I don't think anyone here is blaming someone else for their actions, at the end of the day most women in an A with a MM are kinda blaming.....fate, so to speak. Sorry if I sound cheesy but that's what I honestly think, reading all the threads, and that's how I also feel about my own A.

 

Sometimes people want things they can't have the other way, because of given circumstances. Perhaps the worst cake-eating MM might have those moments, after all, i don't think all MMs the women writing about here are heartless beasts preying on weak, bubble-headed women and having a burning desire to hurt or humiliate someone. Just like the starter of this thread said, things always differ from perspective to perspective. I am happy she got herself out of it by not loving the MM, and that she wants to make her M work.

 

On the other hand, I am single (unmarried) and it's going to be incredibly hard for me to try and yank myself out of the situation I'm in simply because I love someone and I can't command my brain/heart to love someone else. At least she has a husband who is there for her and they might make it work.

 

I don't think that negativity is always good. I.e. self-respect and the lack thereof, people should keep it zipped, etc. It isn't always this simple, not everything is black and white. I agree, I might be stupid for being with a MM who'll never leave his wife. But I want to believe that he's with me for a reason, and he isn't just looking for a cheap shag. Or maybe he is- I will never know.

 

We're all human, we're all weak. These things happen. Nobody's perfect and unfortunately, people make mistakes. They may choose to learn from them or do the same thing all over again, that's up to their context and the AVAILABLE choices. Some people here have none,others, plenty.

 

I don't think she's delusional or anyone else here is.

[Scott Thomas]

Scott,

Good and fair questions, but impossible to detail fully and completely.

 

Some of the work I have done prior to the A, during the A, and after the A ended 13 months ago (actually more like 17 months ago, one slip up):

 

Lots of IC. Total honesty with counselors (first one retired). My ICs told me to divorce.

Lots of website reading, BS reading, and marriage reading. Worked to see all sides.

Read all sorts of self-help books and marriage books. I worked the exercises that I found there.

Journaled a lot, tried to get to my issues, my whys.

Forced my H into IC. (My codependency had allowed him to avoid his issues because I rugswept whenever he became uncomfortable.)

Went to MC with my H, who he also sees for IC.

Got honest (accept about A) with my H, no more protecting his feelings.

Began an in-house separation until we could get clear.

Resumed our married relationship after 2 months, insisting on a new, more honest method of interacting.

Forced my H to participate in date night once a week.

Made sure that I was authentic with him and he with me.

There's much more.

 

My current counselor is a devoted Christian whose H divorced her years ago for his OW. After getting to know me well, she said, "In most cases I tell married partners to tell, but not in your case. You are already working every angle. Your husband does not seem to want to know--probably already does know--so there is no point. I have just seen so much progress in your M that I am hoping you two will help me run a couples therapy group in a year or two!" Honest to god, this is her comment to me.

 

She told me at an earlier point that she thinks I'm owning my crap and not trying to blame my H for the A.

 

I understand that people here don't agree, and I certainly respect everyone's unique perspective and situation, but again, affairs and marriages are as different as the people in them. And I trust my therapist who has lead me in the right direction so far.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, though. I wish you nothing but the best in your second R with your exW. It sounds as if you two will make it.

 

I applaud the fact that you have taken active steps to end the affair, continue maintain strict NC, have resolved to work on your marriage and will not cheat again. I have a few questions:

 

1. You stated that there was a slight slip up? Could you elaborate on this? Did you call/meet up or did you engage in any extramarital infidelity, including but not limited to kissing, exchanging 'I Love you', sex etc. Does your husband know the OM?

 

2. As for your Christian counsellor, is she also your marriage counsellor or are your sessions limited to IC? Have you confessed your affair to your MC?

 

3. Your counsellor remarked that you two could start your own couples therapy group. Some people would condemn this as hypocritical. After all, your husband is still unaware of your affair. What do you think?

 

4. If you did start your own couples therapy group, are you certain that you could provide unbiased advice? What if a woman came to you and confessed that she cheated? Would you confide in her about your affair? Would you ask her to confess/keep her affair a secret? Do you think other couples would be reluctant to join this group if they knew you cheated but were keeping your husband in the dark?

 

5. What if, at some future point, you discovered that your husband cheated but hid his affair. Would you confront him? Would you disclose you affair?

 

6. Is there any chance that your husband, by some miracle/mistake, discovers that you had an affair but hid it? How do you think he would react considering that you made him work extremely hard without disclosing your affair? Do you think he would forgive you? Would he file for divorce? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

7. Some posters over here think that your husband has the right to 'find out that his wife cheated' so that he can make a decision based on the complete truth. They point out that your husband has the right to decide whether he wants to stay married to a wayward (former wayward in your case) wife and you have no right to decide what's right for him by deceiving him. These posters would rattle you for being dishonest with your husband. How would you respond to their accusations?

 

8. Let's assume that 20 years from now, your husband finds out and leaves? How would this make you feel? There are some threads by BHs in the infdelity section (ISayWhoa, Wife cheated 20 years ago, etc. Do read their threads).

Additionally, There is a case in the tabloids about the 90 year old Italian man discovering that his wife of 50 years cheated on him backing 1940. He is divorcing her. They have great grandchildren but the husband remarked to a journalist that he felt he was 'cheated out by his wife and wasted 50 years of his life'. Do you think this is a tragic story? Could this scenario have been avoided?

 

9. Assuming your husband does find out, would you use the counsellors argument as your excuse for not disclosing? What if your husband disagrees with her?

 

10. Could you try this: by any means, find out how your husband would feel if he discovered the affair. Would he want to know, or would he prefer that you kept him in the dark? You don't have to barge into his office and shout that you cheated. You could approach the topic by sitting with your husband, appearing a bit distressed. Your husband would ask you why you felt this way. You could reply that one of your friends was getting divorced because she cheated 2-3 (don't say 20-30 or 8-10) years ago, regretted the affair, hid it to protect her husband's feelings and worked very hard to improve their marriage. Since the past three years, she had been a loving, affectionate wife. See how your husband responds. This would be the best strategy to discover how your husband feels about your particular dilemma without actually disclosing your own affair.

 

11. What if your daughter (or daughter in law) confided that she cheated on her husband (or your son). What would you ask them to do?

 

12. There's a quote from the movie Kingdom of Heaven:

'When you stand before God, you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convenient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that'.

How would you respond to this? How would you devout counsellor respond?

 

13. Why do you want to stay married to your husband? Love, children, finances, convenience etc? Why did you discard the advice from some ICs who asked you to divorce. If love is the answer, why did it not prevent the affair? Will love be sufficient to prevent future infidelity from your side?

 

14. Would you confess at some future point eg 20-30 years from now? Would you confess in your deathbed? On your husband's deathbed? How would your husband feel if he discovered that you cheated after you died?

 

My wife and I worked through these question during our reconciliation. Unlike some posters, my aim is not to 'convince' you to confess. I just want your input and hope that you could provide me with a detailed, articulate self-analysis. This is only a conversation between two adults who wish the best for each other.

 

Additionally, there is a thread about an old couple reconciling from the wife's infidelity in the marriage builders forum. Their story is quite inspiring and heartening. You could read their posts.

 

Good Luck. I look forward to a response from your side...

Edited October 6, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[happy stillmore]

I believe the last stage of getting over someone is changing your mind about wanting them. They did this to you, caused this hurt, didn't fight for you in the face of difficulty. They were weak when you needed strong. They spent/spend days, weeks, months away from you, not changing their mind about their choice, and that reality changes you. It changes how you feel until you finally realize that even if they showed up, you wouldn't take their offer. It isn't good enough. They've done too much damage and you can't see them that way anymore.

 

NC as a goal is fine and helpful, but it's not the end result. Since hope is the killer of your soul, you can truly see your A and kill the hope when you go NC. Their lack of change speaks to you! And once the hope leaves, you don't want C. There's no joy, only insult. It feels like any other dumping: a divorce or breakup. You can't keep loving someone once you accept that they are never going to be who you hope for.

QUOTE]

 

Wow! Your post is exactly the thoughts in my mind. You are right on! The fact your love did not stand up or fight for your love is the greatest disappointment in my life. Everything I believed and made me fall for him were contrary to his actions (or lack of actions). The man I loved would have moved heaven and earth to be with me. The man I loved would not settle for living a life without me. The man I loved would not lie to his wife and me. I have come to accept this man is not going to be who I hoped for despite how I much I wished.

 

Thank you for putting it all into words. I related to it perfectly. Stay strong. I hope for happiness for you.

[thecharade]

Too many questions!!!!

 

In a nut shell, my H prefers avoidance. He would rather I cheat, get over it, and stay M. Trust me, I know this.

 

My H and I are realists. I think we hoped our love would endure during our problems; I don't think either of us ever believed we wouldn't have any, even infidelity.

 

My H has had three close friends divorce in the last two years. Their wives were unhappy for quite some time and these guys didn't change, wouldn't work on things. Their wives divorced them, but two wives ended up cheating. Like I've seen BSs write over and over again, the men regret not getting the chance to work on things once they fully realized how unhappy their wives were. Once the cheating happened, the wives were already "out." The men can forgive the cheating, but they are angry that they didn't get a real chance to fix things and so lost "their lives". My H knows I was missing for quite some time, most likely knows why. He appreciates that I am staying and working so hard with him.

 

I am fighting the desire to divorce. It's still there, but not nearly so strong (my H has made big changes). If he found out, he would not divorce me. Period. But if he did, I would be fine with that. I am strong and self-sufficient, whereas he has not pulled his weight in this M. But we have three kids and extended families, so we will work hard to fix the M.

 

I have loved my AP every single day of my life, so that will just continue like it always has, whether he writes or doesn't. I am as NC as possible. There will be no more ILYs or visits. I cannot control contact completely, though. We have many mutual friends. My H knows of him, but he does not know him.

 

The slip up happened after 4 months NC, just a visit and kiss. But ick, I was too done with the situation and went right back to being done with the A! 13 months solid of done at this point. My AP would want to continue, which I will never fully get. Cake eating is not a mindset that I understand.

 

I would never do the marital group. Yes, hypocritical! But, the thing that maybe makes me different from most is that I cheated because I was done with my H, practically hated him, did NOT have any interest in cake eating. But I was scared, especially about my kids' happiness. I do not have regrets where I am concerned, but my AP was not done with his marriage. So what he was doing to someone he professed to love disgusted me. I cannot relate to cheating on someone you love, and I'm not sure I buy it. My AP didn't want a D for many reasons, but I neither saw nor heard anything that sounded like love for his wife. Cheat but plan to beg forgiveness if you get caught? Who does that??? No, I wanted out of my M but I was a coward. I finally ended the A and THEN, months afterward, told my H I was leaving him. It's what I should have done from the start. Only then did my H take me seriously and start to work.

 

My cheating was 10% of my problem. My M was/is 90%. I don't need anyone to agree since several people in my real life know all and agree. My H is lucky that my AP didn't want me. My A was an exit affair. But I will always love my ex.

[Scott Thomas]

Too many questions!!!!

 

In a nut shell, my H prefers avoidance. He would rather I cheat, get over it, and stay M. Trust me, I know this.

 

My H and I are realists. I think we hoped our love would endure during our problems; I don't think either of us ever believed we wouldn't have any, even infidelity.

 

My H has had three close friends divorce in the last two years. Their wives were unhappy for quite some time and these guys didn't change, wouldn't work on things. Their wives divorced them, but two wives ended up cheating. Like I've seen BSs write over and over again, the men regret not getting the chance to work on things once they fully realized how unhappy their wives were. Once the cheating happened, the wives were already "out." The men can forgive the cheating, but they are angry that they didn't get a real chance to fix things and so lost "their lives". My H knows I was missing for quite some time, most likely knows why. He appreciates that I am staying and working so hard with him.

 

I am fighting the desire to divorce. It's still there, but not nearly so strong (my H has made big changes). If he found out, he would not divorce me. Period. But if he did, I would be fine with that. I am strong and self-sufficient, whereas he has not pulled his weight in this M. But we have three kids and extended families, so we will work hard to fix the M.

 

I have loved my AP every single day of my life, so that will just continue like it always has, whether he writes or doesn't. I am as NC as possible. There will be no more ILYs or visits. I cannot control contact completely, though. We have many mutual friends. My H knows of him, but he does not know him.

 

The slip up happened after 4 months NC, just a visit and kiss. But ick, I was too done with the situation and went right back to being done with the A! 13 months solid of done at this point. My AP would want to continue, which I will never fully get. Cake eating is not a mindset that I understand.

 

I would never do the marital group. Yes, hypocritical! But, the thing that maybe makes me different from most is that I cheated because I was done with my H, practically hated him, did NOT have any interest in cake eating. But I was scared, especially about my kids' happiness. I do not have regrets where I am concerned, but my AP was not done with his marriage. So what he was doing to someone he professed to love disgusted me. I cannot relate to cheating on someone you love, and I'm not sure I buy it. My AP didn't want a D for many reasons, but I neither saw nor heard anything that sounded like love for his wife. Cheat but plan to beg forgiveness if you get caught? Who does that??? No, I wanted out of my M but I was a coward. I finally ended the A and THEN, months afterward, told my H I was leaving him. It's what I should have done from the start. Only then did my H take me seriously and start to work.

 

My cheating was 10% of my problem. My M was/is 90%. I don't need anyone to agree since several people in my real life know all and agree. My H is lucky that my AP didn't want me. My A was an exit affair. But I will always love my ex.

 

 

If you love your AP and have no such feelings for your husband, why don't you divorce your husband? This really is a sad situation. I assume that your husband is not aware of the fact that the AP is the love of your life and your husband is the 'chump' in this situation. Would he act differently if he knew this? Would he try to win you over or would you two divorce? Do you think your husband would be better off by living with a woman who loved him. Was the AP the love of your life before you married? Was the husband the love of your life when you married him?

 

My heart goes out to you. I didn't realise that your emotions were this strong and complicated.

 

Btw, what about the other couple's thread? Trust me, same situation-they healed. Do you think adopting some of their tactics could help you?

[thecharade]

Word on the street is that love is a verb, not a feeling. Feelings are fickle, right? So I lovingly work on my M with my husband. I did love him when we married. Love of my life? Soulmate? I was told that stuff was silliness.

 

I do read other threads and topics and learn a lot from them.

Thanks.

[Scott Thomas]

Word on the street is that love is a verb, not a feeling. Feelings are fickle, right? So I lovingly work on my M with my husband. I did love him when we married. Love of my life? Soulmate? I was told that stuff was silliness.

 

I do read other threads and topics and learn a lot from them.

Thanks.

 

Yes, but you just posted that you also love your AP. Would you say that you loved your AP but this love pales in comparison to the love for your H?

 

I believe there's another 'word' on the street. When you love someone, you're honest with them and do not betray them. If love is a verb and not a feeling, you could've avoided the A if you wanted to. Right? Any witty replies for this sentence? Do you and your husband share the same definition of love?

 

That particular thread concerns a WW who was on the brink of leaving her husband, separated, decided to work on her marriage and went on to have a very happy marriage. To the best of my knowledge, there isn't a thread like that on this forum-at-least not as introspective (no offence to any reconciled spouses). I could msg you the link but the decision to ignore my offer to help is within your rights.

[thecharade]

So, are you of the belief that a WS does not love their spouse? Or they wouldn't have cheated? I agree with you.

[Scott Thomas]

So, are you of the belief that a WS does not love their spouse? Or they wouldn't have cheated? I agree with you.

 

No I do not. I'll share my story:

 

I cheated on my wife by having a ONS while posted in Germany. I regret that decision. I came back and confessed-she forgave me. A year later, my wife had a few ONS while I was posted abroad. I discovered her indiscretions. We made a mutual decision to divorce because of other issues. We met again after a few years, discovered that we were still in love and reconciled.

Despite our infidelities, we still loves each other.

 

I asked if you loved your AP more or less than your husband. Since you've decided to stay with your husband, you probably loved him more.

 

As for my offer to post a copy of that particular thread, I harbour no ill-will towards you and am merely trying to help you.

 

In any case, good luck with your reconciliation!

[thecharade]

I would love to read the thread if you would post it. Thank you, and I really do appreciate you taking so much time to consider my situation. I can tell that you have your opinions and have lived through pain, but you still feel compassion for those struggling in complicated situations. We need people like you on LS.

[Scott Thomas]

I would love to read the thread if you would post it. Thank you, and I really do appreciate you taking so much time to consider my situation. I can tell that you have your opinions and have lived through pain, but you still feel compassion for those struggling in complicated situations. We need people like you on LS.

 

I'll re-post my thread. I am going to ask for a small favour.

Could you address Qs 5 to 10?

 

Additionally,

 

"My H is lucky that my AP didn't want me."

 

How/why would you say that your husband is lucky?

 

I would really appreciate your input.

[thecharade]

Those are not pressing questions to me because I already know the answers, but if the answers benefit YOU in some way, then I am willing to answer:

 

5. If I ever found my H had an A, I would be okay with it (depending on the result of the A). Yes, I'd probably tell him about my own A at that time, to show him why I "get it."

 

6. If my H found out I had an A, he would be hurt. But he would understand why. Honestly, he knew that I was DONE with him. He would not be shocked. I feel strongly that he is 97% certain anyway, just prefers not to push the issue as he knows I'm ready and willing to D.

 

7. Not all waywards want to know. My IC concurs. He does not want to hear about his wife being done with him. He does not want to face the result of two decades of ignoring my needs, so telling him does not give him "choice." I know his choice: staying married.

 

8. Not worried about the future. At all. You see, my husband knows he will never find someone as giving and fabulous as me. He knows it. I know it. He was that way too once, but he has really let himself go, on an individual level. He's not the same fun, kind, accepting guy he was. I have worked on me endlessly, while he watched tv. There are 20 guys that would date me exclusively this second, but my H would have to polish his act. He knows I've been the worker and giver while he has done nothing. My fault; I babied him.

 

9. I don't care if he finds out and disagrees. I am doing my work on this M, making amends. If that's not good enough, then go. I have given my H enough of my energy. I will never feel guilty for not giving more. Remember, the work I am putting in is a gift. He deserves me to divorce him.

 

10. I already know. Dark. He prefers the dark, for everything. FOO issue. He always has preferred not knowing stuff. We've known each other almost 20 years, so I honestly KNOW how he feels.

 

Thanks.

Hope these answers somehow matter.

[busdriver]

Yes, but you just posted that you also love your AP. Would you say that you loved your AP but this love pales in comparison to the love for your H?

 

This would seem to be the key question on both the OP and BS boards. It is very important to most people here to establish that they are the 'loved' one.

 

My experience is not one of love/not love or more/less love. I do love them both, and in totally different ways. I love my W the way you love someone you've known all your life, like family. We haven't been young for decades, and it shows, both in our appearances and behavior. No, I do not look at her with lust or desire, nor does she look at me that way. There seem to be a LOT of long-marrieds on LS that still go at it like rabbits, but we don't -- here is the first place I've heard of such a thing. Maybe I just live under a rock.

 

I love my OW in a completely different way. She is a colleague, for the past fifteen years, and we share a passion for our field. We get excited about the same things. And before anyone starts the whole 'BUBBLE! BUBBLE!' speech, I can promise you that we have spent enough time together to experience each other's 'real lives'.

 

Obviously, 'getting away' hasn't quite resulted in my 'getting over' my AP. I can't seem to do both.

 

But if love is a verb, then my 'getting away' and participating in the life my W wants is proof of my love for my W. If that's not enough, then love *must* be more than a verb. I don't know.