We don't match. We don't love each other. It still hurts

[Toodumbtoquit]

Hi, i need some help, words of wisdom to help me through this. I read and learnt a lot about no contact rules and tips to survive through it. I even diagnose my problem and be my own consultant but i made mistake, broke no contact sending him a mail and it came back hurt a ton.

 

We met on dating website, both graduated from PhD and work really hard (just to explain i was so shocked when he were saying all horrid words: ****ing bitch, **** you, **** off when i never say a swearing words). Like any dating story, we did have some little nice time (sweet and care about each other, talk and text everyday, long walk in national parks, cooking together and spend nights in). It started wrong as i registered on dating thing as a rebound, i was so bitter as being cheated on in the previous 2 relationships, i was insecure and scared of being hurt again. He was so sweet, and i might have regrets of turning him to evil now as i was pulling away from him when I realised that I have feelings for him. Saying goodbye, finding excuses to stop it every two weeks over 6 months. He came back every time and trying to work. I have my guilt here but also he didn't put much effort in it, we are 40 mins drive and he couldn't stick with seeing me once a week as he has plans to go away with friends or playing in the bands. And his text to me sometimes is he's shattered, he missed what he had (i thought it was with his ex, but he said, it was the life when he worked in industry he missing, now he's back in corporate world).

 

After a lot of fight, and my mom passed away in June, i am lost, so i let it be. he contacted me after 1 month no contact saying he missed me with his heart, and explained, somehow i let him back. we chatted back and forward - he wondered a lot saying he dreamed of a future together, settling down, and be happy. He's worried that we like different things might not make me happy..., i told him to start dating first. We met up for a coffee in the middle city between us: Friendly chat about work, some issues and he was quiet the next day. I asked and he said he was not in love with me, goodbye. I was so shocked how it turned out so i asked why, he basically telling me to **** off, saying i am not the love of your life, get broken heart with someone else, get over it yourself and find peace. I don't get to understand how could we be so wrong for each other, i feel the love fading but i try to get a correct answer and get worse.

 

"Maybe i come to anger stage, not as indifferent as i hope. I don't argue with you because i don't see you are worth fighting for, i need to say it out my head. i don't love you, have never had and my only mistake was wasting my time as i believed in what you said and thought we both liked each other, go from there. I accepted the end, as you observed there was no love between us, and nothing to go from that, we don't match, find peace. I accepted pple change, feeling fades

On the day i heard my mom passed away, you were saying all horrid thing to me, ****ing bitch, **** you, **** off... I was done and let it go. A month later you came back saying missing me, i was surprise and feared but i was stupid to think that sth might happen as my mom kinda liked you... But you messed me up, not long ago, talking all abt spending time with me, thinking how future looked like then pulled away whilst i just wanted us to start dating, getting to know each other, take me out for a meal as a gent. We had many meet up, and the recent one came as a breakthough for you to realise what needs to realise since ages. If you realise you don't love me, say it to me and be it on friendly term, doesn't need to block and cut off. Loosing my mom, being on my own in another country are not easy, even a stranger want to be nice and kind and all you did make me regret to even like you or think anything nice abt you. that you are so cold and blow me away when life gets tough. You don't need to argue you're not the love of my life or no broken heart, because i don't. Only think even at a human level, people treating each other with sympathy, you fail. Anyway, when it's over it's over. I don't ever look back, i made mistake to continue with you at first place and people loosing mom everyday. Life is hard, sucks it up"

 

He responded "First off, I didn't know she was dead so don't you dare use that against me. Secondly that is a pathetic thing to say you stupid little girl! Who can't you just shut the **** up and go away! I said it is over, I said goodbye nicely and all you can do is attack! I was so stupid to think you could ever change. Since the start that is all u have done, attack attack attack!"

 

I learnt Oracle's thread, what started from blood ended by blood, nothing good come out from arguing like this but i don't understand it. He is a nice guy and me too, i mean we have good friends who like us and support us. I even have strangers who offer help and give me compliments. Why we end like this. Just a background too that every single time we fought before, he said these bad words too then came back really sweet. This time it's over for good because i don't want to misery me anymore. But why we bring out the worst from each other? We don't have prob about relationship issue, we were devoted honest, no cheating no seeing anyone behind the back or anything. Why is it so hard????

 

Thanks for readings and it would really help me if someone shed me some light

[Toodumbtoquit]

I guess my post was too long to read. I was in and out with him over 8 months, we did have good time, we were really sweet when we were together, cared about each other, but we argued a lot. Every time it escalated and we ended up breaking up. At first i was the one who pulled him away because i was unsecured, been cheated before and scared of getting hurt. He wasn't better as he got hurt lots too (didn't ask much as i am afraid i'd be jealous of his exes).

 

We had no contact one month and he emailed me saying he missed me with his heart, i let him back and we exchange messages. He said we were not ready to jump straight back into relationship so we need to take it slow. But he always texted asking me how it'd look like our life together, do i think he can make me happy... He told me (by text) he thought of spending everyday with me, having a life together the same week he broke up with me. I told him to start dating first, so we met up for coffee in the city between us two, near his work. He was quiet when coming back and i asked him next day, he told me it took a meet up to realise he wasn't in love with me. Then said goodbye and block contact with me. I can't get to understand why it hit him like that, we've been seeing each other and i was behaving worse pulling him away and hurting him, he got back to work things out. Why out of the blue after he was the one who initiated contact after 1 month NC, he dumped me. And the words using were abusive, no? Please can anyone give me some feedbacks so i could guess what is going on.

Edited August 25, 2013 by Toodumbtoquit

[Soat]

Cut your losses. If you're already fighting (arguing is fine but fighting no) during the honeymoon phase of dating move on. Seriously this isn't a match. He's also strange as what he did is nuts.