breakup after 7.5 years

[tennisball]

OK, so this is going to be a little different from the normal posts here, but I now actually feel much better after L/T boyfriend dumped me. Here's the story -

 

7.5 years going out, and he is older than me by about 8 years. I met him when I was 20. I was very much young and stupid and went along with the things he wanted . I was so obsessed about being the best girlfriend, the most loyal one, that I did lots of things I didn't really like, and looking back really regret. In the first 2 years we did threesomes and the partying lifestyle. Then eventually that stopped. I even got loans and payday loans although I was on minimum wage jobs in order to get him a car, actually I ended up getting him 3 cars total. He was in and out of work for a couple of years, so the partying stopped, but him not contributing to the bills was very stressful for me, as I was trying to pay for everything,and the boyfriend didn't want for me to even discuss any money matters. I felt like it was a topic I had to avoid.

I tried to be emotionally supportive of him, even though he was not helping himself (staying on internet until early hours, going onto the "second life" game and cybering with random women). At this point we were no longer going out to the pub/cinema/restaurant at the weekends due to lack of funds, infact nothing really fun ever happened, and we were stuck in a shared house, at this point my sex drive died. I could not deal with the burden of being in my early twenties and supporting a thirty-something who couldn't get motivated to sort out his head.

I didn't speak to friends as my boyf had gotten irate if I divulged anything negative about our relationship, and when I did go to friends or say I had met up with people, or go to the gym after work with people I was always accused of cheating (I got accused of this even before my sex drive said good bye) I got to the point where I went to a therapist and even went on anti-depressants. I think the pressure caused me to make really dumb decisions. I got made redundant and spent my redundancy money on a breast surgery once I had secured a new job. (I was only out of work for six weeks) But all the while I kept it secret from the boyf until the day it was due to happen. As you can imagine, that didn't go down well. I had just thought to myself, "I can't tell him, otherwise he'll insist on coming with me and spending any money I had left for utilities bills". I suppose I did the surgery as I had had a complex about how I looked since I was overweight when I was growing up, but before the partying and threesomes happened in the relationship, I had felt confident about my body. It was like there were loads of warning signs the relationship was bad.

But I ignored them and tried, like I flt I had to, as if it was the right thing to do. The boyfriend, then did get a job, and I found out a few months later he had got a load of credit and store cards and ran up massive debt. He said this was my fault as I had "neglected him" I did all I could to try and bail him out, thus getting myself into a stupid financial situation. At this point he started blaming everything on me, like he had no sex drive because of me he put on weight - my fault again, I didn't care about the house as I hadn't bought anything nice (this one makes me insane with rage as I was paying bills, like to stop the electric getting cut off!)

Anyway, the relationship just kept getting worse, I was really trying to sort things out, stop the debt collectors turning up at the door, sorting out debt management plans, and the boyf was still asking me for money. saying "its the only way" or "I need such and such for work". I was a sucker and did try to bail him out again. He never seemed to understand why I would be worried. Then he left me for another woman . the "best friend" in feb, and he also told me he had been seeing her for almost a year before, infact he had got her pregnant and they had an abortion (all during this time the byf had said he was depressed to to our relationship) he also borrowed a load of money just before he disappeared, and only paid some of it back, and never paid any bills for a few months.

At this break up, I was really sad, I mean like heartbroken, noone to turn to etc etc. Then after a few weeks he asked if we wanted to get back together and I did so we got back together.

Then he decided to move out without saving anything up (so I had to get a loan again, or have nowhere to live) he found a nice flat, but all the deposit was extortionate, he said he was going to "help me pay back the loan" which never happened. So again, I was dealing with calls from debt collectors etc. At this point the boyf got really weird, told me I could never have children if I couldn't survive with 5.5hrs of sleep, (he would keep the tv on, make loads of noise and keep the lights on when I tried to get some sleep) He came back one night at 11.30pm, and demanded I cook him a meal (bear in mind I get up for work just past 5am) And he said there was something wrong with my mental health etc.

He then split up with me for a second time (going back to the "best friend" ). The first night I felt awful, then something just happened. I suddenly thought to myself, "you know what, I'll go to the doctor, I'll get a full check up, and discuss my mental health, and I WILL PROVE HIM WRONG"

So I went to the doctors, got tested for anything I could have caught from the ex cheating (his "best friend" he was sleeping with was married at that time too) and discussed my mental health. The doctor listened carefully and said it sounded like I had been with a controlling partner. It was like a lightbulb moment. I don't know why I never realised before. Anyway, the doctor suggested I keep a diary to find the depression triggers. And I found this really helps sort out my feelings, instead of everything whirling about in my head. I still have the very awkward situation of sharing a flat with the ex, but I feel so much calmer now I'm calling the shots in my life. I can make the decisions . It was scary at first, and I did almost get a few panic attacks on the first week, but I kept going to work and keeping routine, I joined in things after work like an exercise class, and got in touch with my family again. Sure, I'm still stuck in some respects like accommodation and finance, but I feel kind of young and carefree. Or more precisely I feel free. Like I haven't felt for ages, I even forgot I could feel like this.

 

So that's my positive story of a break-up. To summarise - I felt rotten after being dumped, then decided to prove everything the ex had said about me wrong, and I decided not to be jaded, and to just get on with my life.

 

Im a happy bunny

[Philosoraptor]

He was incredibly controlling and a big liar. You were very lucky to have escaped with less damage than you did. I'm very glad you can see what a burden you have had released from your life. Just make sure you never allow yourself to be taken advantage of again.

 

Wishing you the best in the future