Author zum1 Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 Thanks everyone for contributing your thoughts, it made sense. No Contact + Moving on, it is then. I honestly thought that his marriage was falling apart and the wife will have a clue what's coming and also that soon she will be free as well. But now I feel she will always be where she is now and probably will never find out, he comes across as a family man, but she won't doubt him as the MM is very selective and knows who to wind up and how to play the game!!! Can't stop cursing him. I do not love him anymore. Please send 'Busted' vibes on his way.
Author zum1 Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 Why not? Because you didn't get what you wanted? You made the CHOICE to have an affair with him, that means you KNEW he had the ability to lie. I don't even understand why you are angry. Did you really think he wasn't having sex with his wife? He said bad things to you, but you admit you said bad things to him too, it's call an argument, the end of a relationship and it's what happens. Obviously you don't want to be part of that anymore, so now it's time to move on and heal. Good luck. I'd stay away from him, his unborn baby and his wife (you're going to be as guilty in her eyes as he is and you knew he was married, why do you suddenly think you have the right to act like a tattletale when you didn't before?) He courted me for 2-3 months, convinced me that his marriage is over. He was an old friend. I could not doubt him or think he was lying, he came across as honest as one can be. I met his wife once and she was completely pissed off with him!! He said they had an argument. It felt bad when he said that he made love to his wife because he was so desperate for me!!! And she got pregnant!! Who does/says that?? I did ask him what I should have done when I was desperate for you and he said..who knows may be you did sleep with someone but did not get pregnant!!!!!! Sorry but he don't deserve any good & honest people in his life!!
trailrunner1975 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 He courted me for 2-3 months, convinced me that his marriage is over. He was an old friend. I could not doubt him or think he was lying, he came across as honest as one can be. I met his wife once and she was completely pissed off with him!! He said they had an argument. It felt bad when he said that he made love to his wife because he was so desperate for me!!! And she got pregnant!! Who does/says that?? I did ask him what I should have done when I was desperate for you and he said..who knows may be you did sleep with someone but did not get pregnant!!!!!! Sorry but he don't deserve any good & honest people in his life!! If desperation was the issue he could have filed for separation and found his own place. Then the two of you could play at any time and the desperation would be a thing of the past. Judge him not by his words, but his actions. Moving on quickly is the only option that truly works as anything less can pull you back in.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 It felt bad when he said that he made love to his wife because he was so desperate for me!!! And she got pregnant!! Who does/says that?? I did ask him what I should have done when I was desperate for you and he said..who knows may be you did sleep with someone but did not get pregnant!!!!!! Sorry but he don't deserve any good & honest people in his life!! Nothing is going to change here until you stop putting ALL the blame on him and own your part in all of this. You're not the victim in this mess, far from it. You chose to believe him, even though his actions showed you something else...He: -Still went home every night to his wife. -Still was making love to her. -Still 'living' a life with her. Etc..Etc..Etc.. You both have made bad choices and decisions. Now, make the BEST and HEALTHIEST decision for yourself so you can move on with your life. And that is, walk away and forget him. 2
Author zum1 Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 (edited) Nothing is going to change here until you stop putting ALL the blame on him and own your part in all of this. You're not the victim in this mess, far from it. You chose to believe him, even though his actions showed you something else...He: -Still went home every night to his wife. -Still was making love to her. -Still 'living' a life with her. Etc..Etc..Etc.. You both have made bad choices and decisions. Now, make the BEST and HEALTHIEST decision for yourself so you can move on with your life. And that is, walk away and forget him. He is 40 and I am 32!! I have started to feel that he used the affair to revive his sex life !!! His wife got lucky and must have had fun after years, and now after 10 years got pregnant!! I shouldn't have believed him and buzzed him off, a part of me wanted to do just that!!! But I fell for his words (not actions). Yes I was wrong too. Now no regrets, cause of many lessons learnt. Edited August 26, 2013 by zum1
Author zum1 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 It has been difficult to take my mind off from thinking how possibly can I expose him or give him a hard time for doing what he did!! I had anxiety attacks several times! It was a bad feeling! I tried a lot to distract myself and went out with a friend and told her everything. She was disgusted too and thinks I should not just let him be but couldn't suggest what can I do!!
whatatangledweb Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 It has been difficult to take my mind off from thinking how possibly can I expose him or give him a hard time for doing what he did!! I had anxiety attacks several times! It was a bad feeling! I tried a lot to distract myself and went out with a friend and told her everything. She was disgusted too and thinks I should not just let him be but couldn't suggest what can I do!! I also have anxiety attacks. You can go to your dr for some meds to help you with this. I take valerian which is a natural herb. It helps a great deal. You are hurting and you want to make him pay for that. Keeping your thoughts on how to get back at him makes your pain worse. It also will make your anxiety that much worse. I know I am on the opposite side from you but I went through that same thing. I was destroying myself. I had to accept the pain and move through it.Which meant letting go of revenge. Getting revenge would have helped for a small amount of time but it would not have healed my pain. Affairs are painful and heartbreaking for everyone involved. It will get better with time. I am sorry you are hurting.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 It has been difficult to take my mind off from thinking how possibly can I expose him or give him a hard time for doing what he did!! I had anxiety attacks several times! It was a bad feeling! I tried a lot to distract myself and went out with a friend and told her everything. She was disgusted too and thinks I should not just let him be but couldn't suggest what can I do!! Deal with this in a healthy way and that's allowing yourself to feel whatever you need to feel (vent, scream, join a gym and punch the crap out of punching bag hung on the ceiling or take up boxing), but DO NOT contact him, or his wife. I hope your friend stays out of it and doesn't take matters into her own hands. Just saying sometimes friends can be protective and take over, do something that can't be taken back and you will be the one suffering the consquences (exMM and his wife) will expose you to your friends and family. Anyway, seek counseling if you cant' handle this on your own. Your anxiety attacks, do yoga and lots of exercise to help slow it down.
Artie Lang Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 why don't you forward all of his texts- admitting to his abhorrent behavior -to his wife? i bet that will take all the smugness out of him. i'd go even further and post them on his Facebook, then laugh my ass off. 1
whatatangledweb Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I know some people say tell, some say don't tell. That is up to you. I do think you need to wait till after her baby is born. Hearing something like that while near the end of her pregnancy could be very dangerous for her health and the baby's.
Author zum1 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) I know that the 2 options I have is to tell or not tell. I want to tell no doubt but I cannot! Family politics will affect me big time. It may go on for years and will affect my actual wedding!! I won't have full support. I have learned this hard way when to keep my mouth shut and what and how to speak. I just discussed this with my cousin who is 6 year older and referred myself as a third person.. My friend was cheated by a MM and told her mostly everything. The only thing she said was.. That's sad, but she shouldn't have 'encouraged' him in the first place!! I want to tell not only his wife but also anyone he knows. He comes across as a saint!! I know him for years! That's why couldn't doubt his intentions. Now can't just let him be. There must be something I could do. Please if any of you could think of something then let me know. Sometimes I do feel like posting all text messages on his FB and post printouts of our pics and everything to his wife and run away!! But I don't want to hurt a single family member for a jerk like him. Edited August 28, 2013 by zum1
Author zum1 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I had a similar story and I told everything to his wife. These kind of *******s need to pay back. Do tell her wife so he goes through hell and since he is confident that you wont. And after that move on. DO not walk away quietly since he will do the same to other women. And is there a way of stopping him from telling my grandparents ?? They won't be able to take stress plus will think everyone should know so they can always keep an eye on me and stop me from getting into trouble again !!! I am 32 btw but luv my grandpa and at this age don't want him to go through all this !! And MM knows!!!
whatatangledweb Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 And is there a way of stopping him from telling my grandparents ?? They won't be able to take stress plus will think everyone should know so they can always keep an eye on me and stop me from getting into trouble again !!! I am 32 btw but luv my grandpa and at this age don't want him to go through all this !! And MM knows!!! There is no way to stop him from telling your grandparents. It may be the wife that tells them instead.
Author zum1 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 There is no way to stop him from telling your grandparents. It may be the wife that tells them instead. Must be something I could do ! What if I tell hi that I told them already! Will he still attempt to re-tell them??
whatatangledweb Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Yes, he could. How you feel right now is exactly how he and his wife will feel if you tell her about the affair. Some wives, not all , just as not all OW tell the wives, will tell everyone you know. There was a thread not long ago about it. Many people want revenge just as you feel right now. They want the other person to pay for the pain they feel. You said he knows you don't want your grandparents to know. If you tell her he may want to get revenge for himself. It won't matter if you say you already told them. The best advice I can give you is be ready for the fallout once you choose this path.
Author zum1 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Yes, he could. How you feel right now is exactly how he and his wife will feel if you tell her about the affair. Some wives, not all , just as not all OW tell the wives, will tell everyone you know. There was a thread not long ago about it. Many people want revenge just as you feel right now. They want the other person to pay for the pain they feel. You said he knows you don't want your grandparents to know. If you tell her he may want to get revenge for himself. It won't matter if you say you already told them. The best advice I can give you is be ready for the fallout once you choose this path. Hmm.. How about I send his wife an anonymous email? Just saying how can you be so blind! Look around you for all the red flags ?? That will get her worked up and keep him on close leash may be? Now if he points finger at me , I will deny doing that and if he sends anything anonymous to my family then I can deny saying that someone jealous must be playing up or something ! Will this work ?
veryhappy Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You need to calm down. You're not telling any wife anything. The only instance when it works for the OW is if telling is for altruistic and remorse reasons, not for revenge. He won't tell your family. He's not interested in his wife knowing, trust me. The beauty of the affair, both parties want to keep it a secret. If you tell, your life will become a nightmare and they will bond over the trauma. She will give him a hard time at the same time with everything he wanted from her. Just stay out of it and be done. There's nothing in it for you in telling out of revenge. Your life will spiral into hell while they sex like bunnies. 3
Hazyhead Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 zum1, what can you possibly gain from this? Why would you invite that trauma into your life. And hers for that matter! It will lead nowhere good.
Author zum1 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) I never for once in these 8-10 months expected that he will 'change plans' about leaving his wife! He was only figuring out best possible exit!! But then one fine day he tells me that she has been pregnant and he knew this since Feb but forgot to tell me when we speak every day and night!! And then he says for him nothing changes as far as I am concerned except that he can't leave! Plus he got her pregnant thinking about me and I made him desperate by not sleeping enough with him !! All this in one day!! Following very nasty fight folllowing night and a whole day!! How do I keep calm after all these shocks and not bother him and not hate him is beyond me ? I understand those who are trying to suggest that I do nothing, move on, learn lesson and do meditation or yoga but with all these feelings it's not easy. He can make me so miserable in a day and not be affected by anything is just too much to deal with. I wish I could articulate half of how I am feeling. I really want him to get this that he cannot fool just about anyone and take advantage of their situation. He should also feel the hurt, discomfort, restlessness, anxiety and pain equally. Edited August 29, 2013 by zum1
bentleychic Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Use that hate and misery to remove yourself from him and move on. If you try to confront the wife/family, full expect the same to be done to yours. Think hard if you want to open that can of worms before you do it because once you open it, you have absolutely no control of what happens and who sees the contents of that can. Good luck.
sweet_pea Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 So, you want to tell his wife and have him face whatever consequences he might get but you don't want him to tell your family and you face whatever consequences? Is that correct?
Author zum1 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 So, you want to tell his wife and have him face whatever consequences he might get but you don't want him to tell your family and you face whatever consequences? Is that correct? Yes because he said he will do it again and I or his wife won't get to know about it ( with LOL, I pity you woman!!)!! And he said, BEWARE you have no idea who are you messing with !! And I dont want him to say anything to my family because its my relatives & cousins we are talking about ! If he told them then I would have to be isolated and go live in different country and not see them on occasions. Having an affair with divorcee would still be a matter of concern but manageable but with MM will shock them all in a very bad way!!
sweet_pea Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Yes because he said he will do it again and I or his wife won't get to know about it ( with LOL, I pity you woman!!)!! And he said, BEWARE you have no idea who are you messing with !! And I dont want him to say anything to my family because its my relatives & cousins we are talking about ! If he told them then I would have to be isolated and go live in different country and not see them on occasions. Having an affair with divorcee would still be a matter of concern but manageable but with MM will shock them all in a very bad way!! I'm all for telling the BS, I think they deserve to know who they are dealing with. However, do you see how hypocritical you sound? You want to tell his wife but don't want to tell your family? 1
Author zum1 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) I'm all for telling the BS, I think they deserve to know who they are dealing with. However, do you see how hypocritical you sound? You want to tell his wife but don't want to tell your family? Yes I got that when you asked, that you are trying to make me realise that I am being hypocrite. But what I am trying to say is that my intentions were not bad. I was honest with him and to my own feelings. I was under impression that I am wrecking nothing! Their marriage according to him was over and he was looking for exit. If he would have told me in Feb as soon as he knew I would have left him and moved out. But instead in same month we made love, ever since then the momentum picked up. And now when he could no longer hide it he told me!! So all these months when he couldn't do it with wife he kept me in dark! And he knows all this! Hope you understand what I am trying to explain. It's not an A that's over, it's slam bam thank you mam game in which I lost, hence all this frustration of not being able to expose or punish due to fear of being exposed. Edited August 29, 2013 by zum1
bentleychic Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 The reasons of why/how, etc., etc. don't matter. The fact is, if you tell, he has nothing to lose and he'll tell all, too. I totally agree with sweet_pea and I am an OW.
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