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Posted

Hi all. I need a port from my current storm. Please forgive me for saying so much in my first post. I don't know where to start or how much to say, but I need someone to know and be able to respond to my story.

 

Never really known what it means to love or be loved. Like supported and wanted and cared for. In a grown up way. Last "real" boyfriend was 2003/2004--in my early twenties. Ended 1 3/4 year long relationship 2 or so years ago, but it was more like 2 years of theater, and certainly not love in the big, spiritual sense.

 

Have trouble connecting with people in lots of ways--not on a casual basis, but best friend since childhood is no longer in my life, and she was my only deeply-felt connection. I realize after college the chances for forming those lifelong, rich relationships start to dwindle. And I squandered those opportunities in school. My therapist tells me I am not psychologically ill, or disordered, just depressed and traumatized (with a lower-case "t") and never learned attachment skills.

 

Always been withdrawn. I just want to work on having someone know me, and not know my trauma, but know me, the beautiful and inspiring and loving parts of me. Not sure they exist sometimes anymore... But on this forum, I hope to share my truth. I want people to be honest and frank with me about the poor decisions I have made, so that maybe I can get healthy perspective and figure out the right way to deal with them, without burdening loved ones and family.

 

The one thing you have to know about me is that I am "gifted," as they say, and very intense: emotionally and intellectually and socially.

 

Tried to connect with a work colleague recently. He had been flirting with me--lots of non-verbals queues that he was attracted for the 1st 4 years we worked together. My 1st attempt: I called him out of the blue at 9 p.m. on a Fri, dragged him out to drinks, laid it all out: feel a connection to him, want to start seeing him, had lots of bad relationship experiences, want to do things differently. He was very gracious, saying it wasn't me, he has been married twice and would never go down that path again.

 

I decided maybe I scared him, understandable he'd be leery and untrusting of love after 2 divorces, but he's young and if someone good was gentle and real with him, maybe he'd make a new start, to just take it slow, try to be a friend... Try to let myself feel what I feel without pushing him--if he never comes around, then at least we'd have a friendship. But I think I may have not done such a good job at this.

 

2nd attempt-ish: We always have very lively conversation that albeit can deteriorate into arguments, but always in good humor. Sometimes tiring. So I email him this article on some studies, and he responds, surprisingly long and well-thought-out. Written correspondence is my comfort zone. So I thought I had finally found a way for us to connect, even just as friends. I tried sharing some of my personal reasons behind my beliefs--some of who I am, not just what I think. Then he shuts me down, starts joking with me that he cannot handle all the emails, that I write too much, that we have to quit. I am embarrassed, feel ostracized.

 

3rd (which I hope to make my last, if I can control myself): He makes a point on a number of occasions about how were friends and he loves me to death--keeps using this word, love, in a friendly way, but it still makes me feel as though I can confide him, and I respect his perspective on things, and we've had similar experiences, but he has come through them. Anyway, he keeps eluding to these rumors about me and this guy at work, and I want to tell him about it, but I can't figure out how; so, I have a few drinks, and finally confess to him, in text, that "I didn't ruin [the guy's] marriage," that everyone knew about us, that it was a big mistake... That I thought he'd get it. He tells me that it's more than he wants to know. It feels like a big rejection of me, of who I am, of my vulnerability. Again I feel embarrassed and ostracized.

 

How do I ever recover from my past "sins"? How can I ever be close to a man again? I feel like a leper. Intellectually, I try to keep telling myself that my interest in this man is lopsided, but I can't shake him, my heart ain't buying it. Can't figure out how to quit "pursuing" him. Can't play the "long game," b/c I get lonely and scared and impatient; can't nail him down: is it his fear of intimacy, that he's not interested in me specifically, or that I am acting wildly inappropriately. I feel like I am on a downward spiral here, like every move I make is now "out-of-control," or moving quickly in that direction. The way he responded made me feel like some strange socially clueless freak who he tried to politely let know had crossed a line. I don't want him to think that, but how can I change that perception--everything I do just makes it worse... I'm in a web. I want to preserve our work relationship at the very least, hopefully even our friendship.

Posted
The way he responded made me feel like some strange socially clueless freak who he tried to politely let know had crossed a line.

 

What you need to do is stay away from people who make you feel this way. It is not friendship when you open up to somebody and they respond by rubbing salt into your wounds.

 

Become work-only, all business with this guy. Minimize contact to only that which is required. After that, the best way to forget about him is to find somebody else.

 

I think you should consider yourself lucky that he has outed himself as a jerk rather early on in the proceedings. It's probably a factor in why he's now twice divorced. Some people are able to hide this stuff for quite some time, but it appears his ability to do so is diminishing.

 

In the future, don't put people on a pedestal. It's easier said than done, I know. I think we all fall into this trap from time to time where we develop an infatuation for somebody that is anchored in assumptions and a data vacuum. When we start to learn more about the person it turns out they have problems and defects just like we do.

  • 4 weeks later...
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Posted
What you need to do is stay away from people who make you feel this way. It is not friendship when you open up to somebody and they respond by rubbing salt into your wounds.

 

Become work-only, all business with this guy. Minimize contact to only that which is required. After that, the best way to forget about him is to find somebody else.

 

I think you should consider yourself lucky that he has outed himself as a jerk rather early on in the proceedings. It's probably a factor in why he's now twice divorced. Some people are able to hide this stuff for quite some time, but it appears his ability to do so is diminishing.

 

In the future, don't put people on a pedestal. It's easier said than done, I know. I think we all fall into this trap from time to time where we develop an infatuation for somebody that is anchored in assumptions and a data vacuum. When we start to learn more about the person it turns out they have problems and defects just like we do.

Thanks Socks at Play... I think you are on to something. Went on vacation. Got busy with things. Been avoiding him. What is it about people who are... I don't know... "like crack"? Just a certain energy, resonance, and it's not good for you, but you want more. Have you ever had that experience?

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