Menina Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 I broke up with my bf of 3 years almost 5 months ago. It was totally unilateral and I don't think he was expecting it, but his lack of true commitment was affecting me for months before and it was something I talked to him about, unfortunately he isn't a good communicator. After I broke up we went NC mode for over 4 months until 3 weeks ago, when he sent me a text asking me if I was in the same building as he was because he saw someone who looked just like me (it wasn't me). Although it was out of the blue and kind of weird (come on, how will you not recognize your ex?) we talked through texts for over an hour, and then he suddenly stopped. I haven't texted/called him back but that text reminded me of how fun he is as a person and how much I enjoyed his company. On one side, it made me realize that I don't want to cut him off completely because we have too much in common and I now that we could have a great friendship. But on the other side it may me realize that I still love him, which scares me because I only want to become friends with him. I don't want to go back to him because I know he won't change, and I'm also seeing someone else casually for months now, someone I may be catching feelings for. What I want is to maybe set up a meeting with my ex and talk to him about becoming friends, but I don't know how to do it, if it's too soon, or if being friends with an ex ever truly works. Any advice and experiences are highly welcomed.
jesse93 Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 I think it is too early for you to be friends with your ex, you even said yourself you still love him which means even if you do be friends even if you enjoy talking to him, and having conversations you truly don't like him as a friend you love the guy, in my opinion you need to truly get over someone before you can even attempt a friendship with them, you need more time to heal. I think if you start talking to him again those feelings will arise and then you will be in a situation where you're talking to a guy as a friend, but deep down you truly love him you don't want that do you? 1
Author Menina Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 I think if you start talking to him again those feelings will arise and then you will be in a situation where you're talking to a guy as a friend, but deep down you truly love him you don't want that do you? True, and thank you. The thruth is that during the past weeks I've been feeling really lonely because my closest friends' are either living or moving abroad, making instant communication difficult. The guy I'm rebounding with is so busy handling a failing business that he doesn't even have time to talk during the week (and he works 6-7 days a week), which leaves us little time to chat. So, after he texted me I really felt like he could be a great companion during the days I feel lonely, as he was someone I used to talk each and every day, and because we're both having big travel plans in the upcoming months it would be nice helping each other along the way. But you're right, I just admitted that I loved him and maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that I can bury down that emotion (like I've been doing since I broke up with him). But his text made me realize how much I miss talking to him.
Author Menina Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 It's probably a little early, and it could damage your fledgling relationship. If it's a true friendship, it can be formed any time. I'd wait, enjoy your new relationship. Good luck. :-) Just read this, thank you as well. As you said, maybe is best if I wait a little longer, I hope I can manage to hold on and not call him (specially when I go out and take too many drinks).
Ireallydontknow Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 True, and thank you. The thruth is that during the past weeks I've been feeling really lonely because my closest friends' are either living or moving abroad, making instant communication difficult. The guy I'm rebounding with is so busy handling a failing business that he doesn't even have time to talk during the week (and he works 6-7 days a week), which leaves us little time to chat. So, after he texted me I really felt like he could be a great companion during the days I feel lonely, as he was someone I used to talk each and every day, and because we're both having big travel plans in the upcoming months it would be nice helping each other along the way. But you're right, I just admitted that I loved him and maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that I can bury down that emotion (like I've been doing since I broke up with him). But his text made me realize how much I miss talking to him. You do realize you sound a bit selfish right? You're so afraid of being alone. The point of healing is to be alone and find yourself. Not rebound, not use exes for your loneliness. If I heard you say that about me I would want nothing to do with you. 1
hotpotato Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 I'm friends with my ex, but only because he begged for forgiveness and proposed. It sounds like you are using your ex as a crutch, after you dumped him. I think you should stop. You chose to rebound. This guy isn't meeting your needs, and it's not your ex's fault. 1
Author Menina Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 You do realize you sound a bit selfish right? You're so afraid of being alone. The point of healing is to be alone and find yourself. Not rebound, not use exes for your loneliness. If I heard you say that about me I would want nothing to do with you. Yes, it does sound selfish, and now that I think about it, it totally is. I never had a "mourning" period because I started seeing this new guy days after the breakup, something which I haven't planned (it was a ONS), it just happened and since it helped me move on I've continued it, knowing that it may lead nowhere. Maybe I need some 'me' time to heal and wait until I want to be friends with my ex out of genuine friendship affection, because I do want to become friends with him either now or in the future. Although my ex wasn't my first relationship, he was my first true love and I know I haven't handled the breakup that well. I've been working on my thesis and since I don't want the breakup to affect me I've buried my feelings and I've found distraction in the rebound relationship, which I truly also enjoy. I've been delaying working on my feelings for after my thesis defence (in September), and that worked well uring the first months after the breakup. But after he texted me all those feelings resurfaced and a sudden feeling of loneliness took upon me. I thought that maybe talking to him would help me deal with this, but now that you point it objectively I shouldn't use him as a crutch and I should try and work with this breakup on my own (something that I also don't know how to do, but I'll keep trying), before trying to reconnect with my ex.
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