noble Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 I've been having an issue with my boyfriend of five years lately, and tonight it came to a head. I feel that he is may more trusting than I am, and that this leads to fights and misunderstandings. He says that I am too demanding and untrusting, which I am sometimes, however I feel that my demands are not that crazy.. For example: Yesterday morning, when my boyfriend left my house to go to work, we kissed and said goodbye. I expected we would talk later on in the day time, even though i would be working at night. I went to work at 5pm, and on my way to work I sent him a text saying something along the lines of "hey im going into work right now just wanted to say i love you and hope you're having a good day at work".. at this point he wasn't going to be off work for another 2 or 3 hours. Periodically throughout the night I checked my phone at work to see if he responded, but he hadn't. So I tried to chalk it up to that he probably read it, and then was busy at work, and was just at home relaxing and that he'd contact me later. But he never did, and I didn't want to be annoying so I didn't text or call him after work and I just went home. Then today he calls me at like 530 pm and tells me about his night. He went over to his friends house and they had people over and it was like a mini party, although hes saying its super low-key. Now, I'm annoyed for more than one reason.. A.) he never responded to my sweet text B.) he didnt bother to tell me that he was going out or let me know what his plans were and.. C.) when his "guys night" turned into a kick back he didnt call me and invite me over, or even be curious about how my night was and what my plans were.. He basically thinks im just too uptight and I need to just chill out and trust him, that he isn't doing anything bad and that I shouldn't get mad at him about this stuff. The truth is I wish I was more laid back about this stuff but it just really annoys me that he doesn't bother to tell me where he's going and he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing.. I asked him if he'd hypothetically be mad if I went out to a bar last night and never bothered to let him know, and he says he doesn't care, that he trusts me and doesn't worry that I'd do anything.. I hate feeling like I'm so insecure and jealous that this **** bothers me. Does anyone have any advice on ways that I can stop being bothered by stuff like that? Or am I right to be mad?
kazuma Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 To me, he's being really inconsiderate by not responding at all. Him not telling you what transpired has nothing to do with trust -- it's about how open he is with you...is my assessment correct? It sounds like you want an open, honest relationship, while he doesn't want an open relationship at all. you said you've been together for 5 years. Has things always been this way with him? For me, I can't date someone who isn't open, it just feels like they dont care about your life nor do they care about sharing their life.
NateC Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Take a step back and put yourself in his shoes. Would you be okay with needing to respond to texts all the time and being checked up on? Not saying what you're doing is particularly wrong, but I can see that you need to let off the gas a little. Save the pulling-in-the-reins behavior for marriage. Yes, not responding to a text can be annoying, but texts aren't exactly romantic or anything, either. He could have missed the text or read it while at work then forgot about it. I do it all the time. *guilty* 1
Author noble Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 it's not about him not being open with me he is really open and eventually when I talked to him he told me all the details on his night, it's just he felt he shouldn't have to check in with me if he decided to go hang out with friends and I don't entirely disagree but at the same time I feel like sort of entitled to know what he's doing on a Friday night. is that wrong? he said I could have called him if I was curious about what he was doing but I didn't want to be annoying and since he hasn't responded to my earlier text I didn't want to seem clingy. truthfully though I guess I am a little clingy. I get mad if I know he's like at a party with girls, and although in reality I know he's not the type to cheat emotionally I feel all insecure. I guess that's why I want him checking in because I wanna feel like he's thinking of me or wondering what I'm up to. guess I want to feel missed.
NomiMalone Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 He's being inconsiderate and acting in a way that would make any partner insecure. How hard is it to send a text saying, "Im going to ____'s party, hope you have a good night." His behaviour on its own is not a deal breaker (as you'd mentioned that he's not the type to cheat emotionally), but if AFTER you raise the issue with him, he REPEATEDLY fails to step up, then it might become a deal breaker. You don't need that type of stress!
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 To me, you are both RIGHT...and just need to find a compromise that will work for the both of you.
serial muse Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 This is the sort of thing that leads to misunderstanding all the time, especially since you've been together for a while and have presumably established some sort of routine (meaning, the urgency of seeing each other is somewhat dimmed ). I might be a little annoyed too if I'd sent that kind of text with no reply. But as for going out on Friday - that's the sort of thing that I think might require just an up-front discussion. Sounds like you wanted him to miss you and do it spontaneously, and I get that, but people are different about that sort of thing, and it doesn't necessarily reflect how he feels about you. Sometimes it's better just to state what your needs are in that kind of situation. For example, you could just say - hey, on Fri and Sat nights, I usually hesitate to make separate plans until I know what you're up to - so could you clue me in if you make some without me so I'll know what's what?
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