LDR and I'm somehow insecure when he tells me he looks at other girls

[Bubbles_bubbles]

Hi^^ I'm new here, this is my first post!

 

And I'd like to ask you an opinion about my situation, please...

 

Me and my bf we love each other very much and at first, it was hard to deal with our LDR. We only see each other every 2 weeks, sometimes 3 weeks.

 

Our relationship is pretty much based in frontality and honesty. Sometimes it hurts, but I'm glad he tells me what goes in is mind, as much as it can be hard to deal with.

 

Something we have stated from the beggining and we decided to tell each other, we look at other people. Just look, as simple as that. I look at other guys sometimes and I think "this one is cute", I admit it. But it's just like "something" I look at in the streets and I never imagine having anything with these man. It's gone as soon and it comes by.

 

I just don't do this in front of him, as a matter of respect. He neither does it in front of me, as far as I can notice.

But I can say that sometimes I'm jealous, because when he's not with me, he meets other people on his way and some girls he tells me they are very pretty.

I know this is stupid being jealous at, because I look at other guys too. The only difference is that I don't have the urge to share with him how amazing other guys are. Idk, maybe those guys I look in the street aren't so amazing that I would feel the need to tell him. Maybe because he's a guy, he will give more value to the "looks" and what he sees.

 

But lately he has been telling me he has seen a lot of beautifull girls and describes how much they are pretty and they talk to them and so on.

He told me that yesterday this beautiful girl spent all the day with him talking, even his female friend saw her and said "wow she's pretty!"

He told me he even imagined I would do sex with them all. I'm not much into that, I'm hetero and the idea doesn't arouse me that much.

 

So I'm confused between this more liberal way and my jealousy. He knows I'm jealous sometimes, I can't help it. We usually talk about it and he's jealous too sometimes, we end up resolving almost everything in a good way.

I'm just afraid someday he takes those stunning woman he talks to, so seriously that he falls in love or he finds something in them that I don't have.

I know he loves me very much, I'm sure he does.

 

I mean, I even don't bother him for watching porn. For me, it's fine, we even watch together. It's just virtual "inspiration" for him, nothing more.

 

I fear more the reality of him finding a really stunning girl which can lead to happen something serious. And I'm 300 Km away, I can't be there.

 

Do I talk to him saying that I'm jealous? Then he won't tell me anything more.

I can't control what's on his mind, he will keep on having his fantasies with other girls and there is nothing I can do.

 

I even thought about paying him the same way back, so he knows how does it feel. It sounds unfair and silly, sounds like revenge I know. But what other way he would understand it, besides putting himself on my own shoes?

 

Am I being futile?

[Els]

Ooookayyy..

 

I think there is a difference between being honest and up-front, and just having clueless verbal diarrhea. It's kinda like the difference between telling your partner, "I'm on my period" when he asks why you don't feel like doing anything today, and telling him, "I have great gobs of blood spluttering out of my vaginal canal, my uterus is squeezing the death out of me, and I feel like I gained 20 lbs of water weight in a day..."

 

So, no, I don't think it's a great idea for you two to constantly regale each other with tales of how good-looking other people are. A once-in-a-while "Hey, that celebrity is pretty hot, huh!" is fine. This:

 

But lately he has been telling me he has seen a lot of beautifull girls and describes how much they are pretty and they talk to them and so on.

He told me that yesterday this beautiful girl spent all the day with him talking, even his female friend saw her and said "wow she's pretty!"

He told me he even imagined I would do sex with them all. I'm not much into that, I'm hetero and the idea doesn't arouse me that much.

 

is just way too much, IMO.

 

Why do you even want to hear all that?

 

Also, the way he gushes on about them reeks of immaturity and superficiality to me. Sorry. Yes, people can and do appreciate good-looking people while in a committed R, but not to THAT extent.

[Bubbles_bubbles]

LOL Elswyth, the example you gave to me just made me laugh xD that's it.

 

I agree with you in what concerns "this is too much". Doesn't give me a good gut feeling.

 

Everyone I talk about this seem to point me the possibility of me acting possessive towards him. Thank you for your opinion, it helped me see the other side and perhaps and not acting like a psycho girlfriend.

 

Sometimes he's immature, in fact, but he loves me so much and says he's sorry and does everything he tries to change everytime we talk about similar situations.

I don't think I can change him, I broke up with him some long ago for something like that which I could not take it anymore. We came back together because he seemed to understand it and tried to change.

It's not about one thing he does just by "adoring" other girls, but the whole scenario of the person who's behind it and what drives him to act like that.

 

I do love him a lot, but sometimes I'm f*cking tired of this.

Everytime he talks about other girls or makes me get jealous for bad reasons, I get to like him less.

 

Idk, maybe he thinks that I'm the kind of girl who loves more her guy when she's jealous, but I've told him that's completely wrong for me and makes the opposite effect.

 

Thank you for your reply.

I'm sure we'll find a way next time we see each other.

[justwhoiam]

Something we have stated from the beggining and we decided to tell each other, we look at other people.

You know what that means? It means that both your radars are still on. Despite having a bf/gf. Probably it feels less real as you're in a LDR.

 

it's just like "something" I look at in the streets and I never imagine having anything with these man. It's gone as soon and it comes by.

This is a noticeable difference: your bf thinks of sex and orgies (or threesomes, foursomes, etc.)

Are you willing to put up with his fantasies? Knowing that he might want to try them out?

 

I just don't do this in front of him, as a matter of respect. He neither does it in front of me

This statement is quite revealing. When I'm with the man I love in person, the rest is background. You impose yourself not to do something as a form of respect. This is totally different. I might speculate he does the same with you.

 

So... start looking at it this way: you think you have a very honest and deep relationship in your hands, but you're both refraining from doing things that might annoy the other, things that are a natural part of your personalities. How honest could that be? Also, having to refrain your instincts like this leads me to think you never really went through the in-love stage with him, or it's gone and lost.

 

I don't have the urge to share with him how amazing other guys are.

His focus on other women's beauty would be a major problem for me, first because he would come across as shallow for continuously noticing looks only. It looks like beauty surpasses by far other factors in his mind. It could be argued that probably it's more immediate than other things about someone, but he spent the whole day with a girl and the only amazing thing about her was her beauty? That is shallow. And I wouldn't spend my time with a guy like that. Whether I'm beautiful or not. Actually, especially if I'm pretty, because I would think that's what he's after, so I'd steer clear. I need more and better than that.

 

He told me he even imagined I would do sex with them all.

The last barrier fell down. So I would expect no more respect when you're together in person. If you let him go on with this, he will think you're fine with it, and it will escalate. He might pick possible partners at the restaurant or whatever, and ask you to look at them and tell him if you like them. And from there, it might escalate even more.

 

I'm just afraid someday he takes those stunning woman he talks to, so seriously that he falls in love or he finds something in them that I don't have.

He already did find something in them that you don't have and he craves. He probably likes your old buddy attitude that he won't be able to find in just any girlfriend. But how good is it for you? How OK are you with his mindset?

 

I know he loves me very much, I'm sure he does.

I can't tell if he does or how much, but is that kind of love good for you as a woman? And as a person? Will you feel loved and wanted if he needs the participation/contribution of other women? He doesn't seem to care if you feel comfortable with that and he didn't ask you to share your perspective on that. So that is not "showing respect".

 

Do I talk to him saying that I'm jealous? Then he won't tell me anything more.

Ask yourself what you want out of this relationship. Long-term commitment? Instant gratification? Sharing with someone and not feeling lonely? A guy's attention? When you have clear answers on your mind, see if he's the right person for what you are looking for. But don't cheat yourself in the process.

[giblesp]

If you're happy to look at other men, then why don't you do it in front of him? If it's out of respect to him, is it better to do it behind his back like it's something to hide?

 

I believe in acting like my girl is next to me even she isn't physically. She fully occupies my heart and mind, so I don't look at other girls in a sexual way. If my partner didn't fully take my attention, I wouldn't be with her.

If my partner was talking about other men, I'd end the relationship.

 

Took my some trial and error to get to this point, when I was younger I was also the young man who couldn't keep his eyes on one woman. If it's bothering you, talk to your partner about it. If you really love each other you'll solve this together.

[Bubbles_bubbles]

ok, this is going to be long.

 

You know what that means? It means that both your radars are still on. Despite having a bf/gf. Probably it feels less real as you're in a LDR.

 

This is a noticeable difference: your bf thinks of sex and orgies (or threesomes, foursomes, etc.)

Are you willing to put up with his fantasies? Knowing that he might want to try them out?

 

This statement is quite revealing. When I'm with the man I love in person, the rest is background. You impose yourself not to do something as a form of respect. This is totally different. I might speculate he does the same with you.

 

Probably it feels less real like a relationship, once we are in a LDR. I still didn't figure it out because we are together not for a long time (about 4 months) and this is my first LDR. For me, it is supposed to be a serious relationship, let's see what about him when he comes back and we can have some serious talk about this.

 

And no, I don't check all the time for other guys when he's with me, in fact I tend to forget that. But I admit, sometimes a cute guy passes in front of me, I confess that I check, I mean even when I look accidentally I won't just deny the thought in my head "he's cute". But I wont' be there staring like I'm starving or whatelse in a sexual way (which is a huge diference, at least for me). Because I don't have the need for that, I don't look for them for sexual porposes or just to have an "eye candy". Not even when I'm alone.

Why I don't tell him? Because is not that important.

 

Now when he tells me he's having fantasies with other girls (let's state, real people he meet), he passes the day with them, for me that's when the respect line starts to be blurred.

Because, that doesn't happen to me. Not in that way, I dont' ever fantasise (does this word exists? Sorry, english is not my native language) about other guys and my "view checks" are so brief that after a few seconds I forgot that guy even exists.

I don't even got to talk to any guy I found cute, or even make any fantasy with him - it's not just a matter of respect, firstly I don't feel like doing it just by it's looks. It's landscape for me, nothing more.

 

Now why is this a big deal for me having this boundaries of "telling what you think"?

Before my actual one, I had a boyfriend for 3 years, we lived together for 2.

I remember he telling me he didn't like at all those girls who have so much "production" in them that looked like barbies, he thinks they are superficial and he would prefer much more girls like me that are naturally stunning without anything on.

I didn't even ask him his opinion, true story. He just came out with this from nothing.

Sure thing is that, after me, he's now with one of those girls he used to hate.

I have nothing against him and I just wish him the best, he deserves it. The girl surely have something more that is special, because he's not the kind of guy who will waste time with a superficial person.

But then why he felt the need to tell me that? Couldn't he just admit that he liked that type, or just not mention it ...what was his need to state the contrary?

I'd rather not now, but this was weird for me and kind of made me think that pretty much every guy looks, but just some few will admit it.

 

 

So... start looking at it this way: you think you have a very honest and deep relationship in your hands, but you're both refraining from doing things that might annoy the other, things that are a natural part of your personalities. How honest could that be? Also, having to refrain your instincts like this leads me to think you never really went through the in-love stage with him, or it's gone and lost.

 

His focus on other women's beauty would be a major problem for me, first because he would come across as shallow for continuously noticing looks only. It looks like beauty surpasses by far other factors in his mind. It could be argued that probably it's more immediate than other things about someone, but he spent the whole day with a girl and the only amazing thing about her was her beauty? That is shallow. And I wouldn't spend my time with a guy like that. Whether I'm beautiful or not. Actually, especially if I'm pretty, because I would think that's what he's after, so I'd steer clear. I need more and better than that.

 

I've been thinking and I guess his problem is nothing more than insecurity.

He's been jealous of me and a friend of mine because we have a great friendship, he told me, this happened before with other friend of mine. I just said he was a close friend of mine, but the thing I had with him (my boyfriend) even our friendship was stronger than any other friend I may have. I tell my boyfriend pretty much everything, I don't do that with other guys as much as they can be my friends, besides he has something more no other has, which is, I love him! He seemed to feel conforted and secure after this, but I'm guessing now he's not.

I'm starting to figure out this could be the issue and he's not willing to admit he's still jealous.

I mean, he's gone in vacations with a female friend, he said that to me, I didn't even bat an eye because I know her and she's like a friend for me too.

Should I be bothered? Did he wanted that?

I do not want him to feel this way, I'm no a sadic person and doens't even make me feel better he might feel insecure or jealous. Next time he comes over we'll have a serious conversation about this, I know he will have a hard time admiting it as I saw it happening before, but surely something we'll have to change here. F*ck, he tells me all the time that he can't believe how lucky he is to have found someone like me - I feel the same way too - and the thing that scares him most is loosing me. He tells me all the time he's sure he will do something that will hurt me and make me break up with him. He knows I'm short fuse sometimes, I've been passing through a lot this year and I'm not up to take sh*t for less.

 

In other hand, if in fact, he's been really attracted to those girls and is wanting me fulfill his fantasies with them... he better forget me. But he surely will know the reasons why before.

As I've said before, my life is a mess at this moment, I've been through a lot with other guys before, I'm not up to take any more sh*t.

 

He doesn't seem to care if you feel comfortable with that and he didn't ask you to share your perspective on that. So that is not "showing respect".

 

About this, I can agree with you.