Astron Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I'm 29 and I'm in a relationship for 6 years. Everything worked/s ok, but I feel I cannot get closer to this girl. I don't feel I really love her. Or if she's the one I want to marry after so many years. I was always undecided about my love for her. Otherwise, I think we have all we need. All this time, I never looked at other girls, never cheated. Now, I met another girl and it is the first time during all these years when I feel so attracted by someone else. I don't know how. Actually, I never loved like this in my life. At first we thought it will last only a few days and then we will stop, but it seems we are so in love now. She is also for 3 years into a relationship, but not so happy. Now she said she knows what she wants and is decided to end her relationship...that it depends on me if we want to get together or not. (she is not the type of girl switching boyfriends every month and she only had 2 before the actual one) None of us wants to jump directly in a new relationship and we would both take a break, to be lonely and heal before starting something new. It's just that I am the one a bit undecided. Everything seems perfect and so beautiful now with OW. Is this a usual symptome when cheating? Do I have any chances to have a good relationship with this new girl? We feel amazing together! It's beautiful. Or is it only a temporary illusion? I think I have everything I need with my current gf, except...that I don't see I can get the relation to the next level. Should I try more or stop? Maybe it is because I fell in love with someone else. I'm also looking at the positive part of this whole story vs the others.... nobody is married and none of us has children. Which I think it's really important and makes things easier. I'm trying to be optimistic.
orangegirl Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I'm 29 and I'm in a relationship for 6 years. Everything worked/s ok, but I feel I cannot get closer to this girl. I don't feel I really love her. Or if she's the one I want to marry after so many years. I was always undecided about my love for her. Otherwise, I think we have all we need. All this time, I never looked at other girls, never cheated. Now, I met another girl and it is the first time during all these years when I feel so attracted by someone else. I don't know how. Actually, I never loved like this in my life. At first we thought it will last only a few days and then we will stop, but it seems we are so in love now. She is also for 3 years into a relationship, but not so happy. Now she said she knows what she wants and is decided to end her relationship...that it depends on me if we want to get together or not. (she is not the type of girl switching boyfriends every month and she only had 2 before the actual one) None of us wants to jump directly in a new relationship and we would both take a break, to be lonely and heal before starting something new. It's just that I am the one a bit undecided. Everything seems perfect and so beautiful now with OW. Is this a usual symptome when cheating? Do I have any chances to have a good relationship with this new girl? We feel amazing together! It's beautiful. Or is it only a temporary illusion? I think I have everything I need with my current gf, except...that I don't see I can get the relation to the next level. Should I try more or stop? Maybe it is because I fell in love with someone else. I'm also looking at the positive part of this whole story vs the others.... nobody is married and none of us has children. Which I think it's really important and makes things easier. I'm trying to be optimistic. I say you are young, go for it. you only live ONCE!
bentleychic Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Realistic advice = end one relationship before you start another. Everyone will be better off for it. WHY would you stay with someone for 6 years if you are undecided if you love her all of this time? 3
Author Astron Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 I really appreciate your advices and remarks even if some sound harsh. Why did I stay for 6 years...? Because we have everything we need...good families, same group of friends, decent financial situation, feel good together, etc. Which I like and is comfortable. Because I was thinking, maybe loves comes later. But I feel we are just 2 good friends. Because I'm sure we can have a good life together. Sometimes I was thinking "we are for such a long time together"...it's hard to break-up. (Stupid reason.) Now I realize this really doesn't matter. OP is single and yet is not certain about leaving the GF even though he is having an affair with another unattached woman whom he loves very much. What is up with this indecision? More insecurity? LAck of confidence?I'll show again my weakness...indecision comes from the fact that I will lose all the comfort I have in the current relationship. With the new girl we will have to build everything from scratch and I'm not sure if my "universe" will be as good as now. Maybe I should man up and don't be affraid... Maybe I shouldn't even care for these "side-things" (like friends, families and current comfort) and only about the girl and feelings. I know the new girl she loves me back a lot. (what is IC?)
bentleychic Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I'll show again my weakness...indecision comes from the fact that I will lose all the comfort I have in the current relationship. With the new girl we will have to build everything from scratch and I'm not sure if my "universe" will be as good as now. Maybe I should man up and don't be affraid... Maybe I shouldn't even care for these "side-things" (like friends, families and current comfort) and only about the girl and feelings. I know the new girl she loves me back a lot. (what is IC?) You need to decide what is more important to you. Those "comforts" of your current relationship or the new side piece. Then you need to make a choice, don't keep either of them hanging. It's not fair to anyone. Does the new girl know that you are in a 6 year relationship? You would have known way sooner than 6 years if it was love. WAY sooner. IC is individual counseling.
Author Astron Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 @bentleychic - This is why I'm undecided at this moment. Cause I don't know what's more important. Cause I'm thinking, maybe after a while, you will get like this (feeling just friends) with anyone...and why start something new and lose what I have? I don't want to keep anyone hanging. I know that's the worst thing. I want to take a decision sooner. The new girl knows my situation and I know hers. We are very sincere. But she is not pushing me. She said that I should do what's best for me. So that in case we will ever be together, there will be no regrets regarding this. @Pierre - I don't know if I can call it love...maybe it was just that first period. But I didn't love like I'm doing now. It's something different with this new girl. "Brother and sister" describes pretty well my case with the current gf...I feel her like a sister that I care for. And this feeling is for quite a long time. Well, she didn't tell me "I love you" either, although I feel she feels more for me. But if she would say it, I don't think I could answer "I love you too". I don't know if this info helps in any way...
bentleychic Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Are you saying the girl you are with now has never said "I love you" to you or did I read that wrong? Though I'm still on the $^&! or get off the pot bench. 1
bentleychic Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 I beg you to leave your GF so you can be with OW. There is nothing stopping you from doing this. Agree completely. The only thing stopping you it sounds like, is trying to decide which life is better for you. It's a pretty selfish to stay with both until you decide which life better suits you. 3
Author Astron Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 @bentleychic - You read correct. She never said "I love you" in all 6 years and if she said, I was always concerned I cannot say it back. And I know what "I love you" means. I said it in a previous relationship, and it was something special. I felt it. But maybe the actual didn't say it because she was affraid to show me how attached is to me...or not to scare me? I feel we are still 2 children, which cannot get our relationship to the next level. @Pierre - I don't find my relationship boring. This is what actually keeps me thinking if I should quit...because we can do so many things together. It's just that I feel distant with her...I don't feel I can marry her or have children. Maybe it's to early...maybe I have a mid-life crisis? Or maybe she is just not the one? I'm not staying with both at this moment. The OW said a few days ago she cannot do this anymore, she doesn't feel good living like this. She told me she knows what she wants, there is no doubt for her that she wants me and I am the undecided one. She cannot live with 2 persons at the same time any longer. And I know she really loves me. But she wants us to stop this for the moment, maybe I can judge clearer what I want and what my feelings are. I discussed with GF what my feelings are for her (gf) and that we have a problem (well, it happened also in the past, 3 years ago) and she said that we should try more...maybe it's temporary and we can repair this. I don't want to make her suffer...She said she sees her future only next to me... I can say with the current GF: "She is not the one making me happy, but I can have a happy life next to her", while for the OW "She makes me happy, but I am not sure if I can have a happy life with her". Do you really find my situation a no-brainer?
Author Astron Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 @LisaLee - No, she never said "I love you" and I don't really care so much about this having to be said. I didn't have to bring this up, because she was the one who brought it...something like "I cannot say I love you after so many years, but I care about our relationship, how many things we can do together and how we understand each other". After a few weeks when she realized that this situation can really lead to a break-up she told me "she sees her future only next to me...". Maybe it's just a reaction of a dumpee...or another way to say "I love you"...but this is how it was. Maybe she is just as confused as me. I wouldn't come here to lie...it wouldn't help me at all. @Pierre - I really don't care so much about "I love you" and to be honest the OW didn't say it to me either...I just feel we are in love and we feel great. I'm getting confused now...in one post you said that I should definitely break-up and now you say that I compare an established 6year old relationship with the new OW, as if I shouldn't break-up and care about my old relationship.
bentleychic Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 It sounds like you and your gf of 6 years are most best friends than lovers. And honestly, I think most happily married couples feel like they're best friends so that's not necessarily a bad thing exactly. Unless/until someone wants more. Is there at least intimacy in your relationship?
Author Astron Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 Yes. You described it very well...best friends. Intimacy...it's hard to tell. We are both, quite cold persons and distant. Especially me. I don't like to be huged in public for example. And I was like this from the beginning with her. We don't hug or kiss very often and not at all in public. Sex life isn't the best either, but she says this is not so important than other things we have. Maybe in time, these things made me not feel the "love". Indeed, we are like an old, happily married couple. It's strange though, that with this OW, I feel I am different, I don't feel I am a cold person, I say things I couldn't say before and I feel I can get really intimate...maybe this is how it is in the beginning...And honestly, I think most happily married couples feel like they're best friends so that's not necessarily a bad thing exactly.Now I'm really confused...after everybody said I should break-up...
bentleychic Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 If you are looking elsewhere already, you SHOULD break up. Period. That's my opinion on it. I'm just saying what you have now does not sound like a bad relationship. Also, current relationships tend to feel/seem dull and boring compared to new, exciting relationships if you get involved with someone new. You can think of all of the good of the new relationship and it tends to make the good of the old pale in comparison and you start thinking of the bad of the old. Whether to justify the new relationship to yourself or what, I really don't know.
fanine Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I was married to a guy for two years, we were together for nine. I never hated him, he never did anything bad to me, but I began to feel unhappy. Little things began to add up. I did begin to feel tempted elsewhere. I knew something had to be done. I tried to work on the marriage, with him. But it did not get better. So I decided to end it. It was horrible, I felt bad hurting him. But in the long run I felt I had to do it. I had to let him find someone who could really love him properly and be happy with him. I didn't want to start seeing someone else on the side to add what was missing. I still have a soft spot for him five years on. I have mostly great memories from our time together which I am glad about. No bitterness on either side. We now live in different countries but still occasionally get in touch. I was 39 at the time with no kids. A big decision to make at that age, especially for a woman. But I just knew it wasn't right. I haven't regretted the decision.
If-I-Only-Knew Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 @LisaLee - No, she never said "I love you" and I don't really care so much about this having to be said. I didn't have to bring this up, because she was the one who brought it...something like "I cannot say I love you after so many years, but I care about our relationship, how many things we can do together and how we understand each other". After a few weeks when she realized that this situation can really lead to a break-up she told me "she sees her future only next to me...". Maybe it's just a reaction of a dumpee...or another way to say "I love you"...but this is how it was. Maybe she is just as confused as me. I wouldn't come here to lie...it wouldn't help me at all. @Pierre - I really don't care so much about "I love you" and to be honest the OW didn't say it to me either...I just feel we are in love and we feel great. I'm getting confused now...in one post you said that I should definitely break-up and now you say that I compare an established 6year old relationship with the new OW, as if I shouldn't break-up and care about my old relationship. Have you ever broken up with anyone before? Sounds like you haven't...
fanine Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 When married people need the other spouse to keep them happy there is usually a problem. I am glad you did the right thing and got a divorce. Good for you! Are you planning on working on yourself? I have been. I was. Was doing fine for 4 years until met xMM. Who I didn't know was a MM....now back working on myself!
fanine Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Susceptibility to excessive charm by men (whether married or not) can be a problem. For many people excessive charm is uncomfortable and a bad omen. I have learned over the years the magic of charm. When used on the right woman it is magical. When used incorrectly on the wrong woman they become nauseated. I dont think I am particularly susceptible to charm. I come across many charmers working in the media.,I just thought he was a great guy and we clicked and as far as I was aware he was separated. There was nothing to really prove otherwise. It wasn't until much much later I found out all the lies. That is what hurt most and did damage my self esteem, that I had been hoodwinked not just by him but friends and family. So really I am just working on enjoying myself and working on bring a happy single person.
fanine Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Great! I was worried about you. Ha thank you! Yep I have been burned but I see it in a way as just having to reinvent myself in a sense, as I had to after my divorce. Not completely of course but just to move on, do some new things, get some new goals. Sort out maybe some of the other dead wood in my life. I still throw the odd shoe though when feeling frustrated with what happened
Author Astron Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 @fanine - thanks for sharing your experience! @bentleychic - thanks for your honest advice @ifionlyknew - indeed, I never was the one to break-up a relationship. I don't know if this could be a problem @Pierre - You suggest now I should stick with my gf and try to explore her sexuality and getting more intimate? Previous page you were convinced I should end this relationship... I really don't know what will happen and I'm starting to feel bad...
ForeverHopeful1 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 How about being single and not choosing either woman? Why do you have to choose one or the other?
Author Astron Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Of course this is a possibility. I thought about this too...although it's hard to think about it, while you are in love with someone....OW in my case. First I have to clear up my mind and decide if I break-up with my gf or not. I'm thinking, even if I "repair" it...maybe it won't be as before, as long as I know I cheated...
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