In deep ...need advice

[Joyce]

Sweetz,

 

I am sorry for all your pain. I know how you feel. I have been in your shoes. My affair was with my H friend who lives next door. I can understand how your life is so torn apart and how down you feel about yourself. It's really up to you if you want to tell your H or not just make sure it's the right choice for you. I told mine but I needed too. I didn't feel like I could go on in the marriage pretending like nothing was wrong and like nothing had happened.

 

I hope you really do get counseling for yourself. I still hold mine in and it's tears me up inside. There are many times I wish I could tell a friend or I wish I had the courage to tell a counselor.

 

It's funny how the OM just go about their lives like nothing is wrong. It hurts doesn't it?

 

Hang in there.. remember to take care of yourself. You did make some bad decisions but you are a good person!

[Owl]

Sweetz- I wanted to say that I agree with what Jmargel said on a couple of things...while you might not tell him now, your husband DESERVES to know the truth, and to make his own determination as to whether or not your marriage is worth saving. I'm going to be honest...I would have felt sorry for you if this post was a "I slipped once and woke up with this guy one time...", but its not. You are a serial cheater, and quite frankly, have taken the easy way out the whole time.

 

Your husband may decide to end your marriage, and may also decide not to even remain friends with you after its all said and done. That would be YOUR price to pay for what you've done. My wife had an emotional affair with another man online that I found out about exactly six months ago today. When she was going back and forth between wanting to be with him or be here with me and the kids, I made her realize something. I let her know that if she left me like that, not only would our marriage end, but so would our friendship, because she betrayed that as well. Up until this past year when things went to hell, we'd always been great friends as well as an awesome husband and wife.

 

We were able to recover from the affair (but we're still working hard at it RIGHT NOW!). But, that was a one time slip that was never physical. It was emotional, and it was still devestating to me. Had she been with him physically, or if she does this again to me, it will be OVER. Its up to your husband to decide whether or not you marriage is worth it...you've already made it clear by your actions that it's not to you.

[havNfun]

I didn't feel like I could go on in the marriage pretending like nothing was wrong and like nothing had happened

 

[color=darkblue]Joyce,

Can you tell us what resulted in your case? Still married? Happily? still cheating?

 

 

thanks[/color]

[Joyce]

Still married. My husband chose to stay with me. My H never asked any specific details and decided that we should not tell anyone about it. In a strange way it has brought us closer. We both have a lot of work to do to change our old ways. We didn't communicate very well and if we did we didn't take the other person serious. It's hard and it is a lot of work. I have asked him to go to counseling and he refuses. We are looking at moving ASAP. It's hard on both of us to see the OM and to live next door to him. I am happy I told him. I was finally ready to be honest with myself and take responsibility for my actions and even though I still struggle I am so happy I did. I could not have held it in forever. It was eating at me. It changed who I was and made me become someone I never liked. I still hate myself for what I did and for putting my family in this kind of position. At least now I can look at it as a learning experience. I am doing a lot of soul searching and working on becoming someone I like and someone I want to be.

[Joyce]

one more thing.. not cheating. No desire to ever go down that path again.

[Sweetz]

I just found out that my work insurance covers therapy so I will call them once I get their number. This is a start for me at least. Looking back at everything now, I realize how many mistakes I made that lead up to this: perhaps I married too young, perhaps I was desperate and didn't want to be alone and was willng to settle down quickly as it was the next milestone in my life, perhaps I got with a man I knew would be faithful and around for me despite our sexual compatibility. Whatever the reasons are, they don't matter now. What matters now is how I go forward with this.

 

Does anyone feel that if telling my husband does nothing but hurt him, that it would not be wise to? I can HONESTLY say that I am at the end of my rope. I don't see how I could ever go back to being that OW again for anyone.

[Joyce]

In my opinion if you really want to make your marriage work and if he chooses the same it will help you both take the necessary steps in fixing the problems . What is a marriage that is based off of lies? It's nothing.

 

Personally I think you are scared of the truth and scared of facing what you did. I know I've been there. It's a huge weight off your shoulders to tell the truth and it is the first step in changing and bettering yourself.

 

Put yourself in his shoes.. if he did this to you would you want to know? Or would you rather have him not tell you and continue to be in a marriage based off of lies?

 

I really am not judging. I had people from LS that helped me along they way because of their experiences.

[havNfun]

Sweetz,

for reasons I described above, I think that although this is all very unfair to him, you must tell him. Your cheating has already started the snowball of suffering to ensue, so neither of you are going to get by un-touched by the affairs. If you don't tell him, not only will you never be able to achieve a relationship without lies, but also, you will never be able to completely get over it, and forgive yourself for it. This, I believe, will make you less of a person and wife for him in the future. If you are less happy, they your marriage will be less happy. So, in a way, if you don't tell him - your actions will continue to hurt him forever.

 

 

Joyce,

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you also are being honest with yourself and realizing that your actions were wrong. I am sure your husband can see your remorse and I wish the best for your relationship with him.

[Owl]

Sweetz- Well, a lot of the people say you shouldn't tell him. I have been the betrayed spouse, and I'd tell you that I really feel that you should tell him. Maybe not this moment...but soon. For several reasons.

 

1. The biggest problem you have in your marriage isn't you "sexual incompatibility"...its in your honesty and communication. You weren't happy with how things were going in bed. Either you didn't communicate it properly, or he didn't listen to you properly. Bad communication. You went outside the marriage for satisfaction...and you didn't tell him. In order for the two of you to reconcile, you're going to have to rebuild the honesty and communication. A marriage will not work without it. Period. That means you have to talk and listen to each other. That also means you can believe what the other person is telling you. Ergo-honesty.

 

2. For a marriage to work, you both have to be committed to each other. That again means that you need to change your behaviour, and you both need to know that the other person is commited to each other.

 

3. This is his marriage too...and right now its a lie. You know its messed up, but he doesn't. He deserves to know that it isn't going like it should. Continuing the marriage (or not) based on the information that you've had these affairs is something that both of you should decide.

 

Good luck, with however you decide to do things. Get that counseling for yourself, and if the decision once the truth is out is to reconcile your marriage, get the both of you there ASAP. Its going to be darn hard to work through everything, and having someone who can guide and assist you is more valuable than you know.

[havNfun]

Owl,

were you able to save your marriage through counseling?

[Cecelius]

He has an absolute right to know. She is in no moral position and has no right to decide what he knows and what he doesn't. Her actions are clearly not okay, completely unjustified, etc.

 

It's up to him to decide whether to stick with her, not the person who committed the bad act.

 

Or she can just divorce him.

[Owl]

Havnfun- Yes. Take a look at my post on this board. Today is the six month anniversary of the day I found out about my wife's online emotional affair. I spent this morning comparing that morning when I read those log files, and saw her saying "I LOVE YOU" to another man to this morning. I compared how it used to be when she'd stay in bed every morning until I left, then rush downstairs to IM and call this guy to how it is now. This morning she got up and spent the morning with me before I went to work like she's been doing for a while now. She's called me three times today, and IM'ed me several times. We talk, and we're as in love now as we ever were. We've identified the major issues in our marriage, and are working to keep those from being issues again. I can honestly say that although I'm still hurting (and will for a while) over what happened, that I have forgiven her for what she did. I won't forgive a second time...and she knows that. She doesn't want a second time, because she's got all the love and support and caring she could ever need right here.

 

The right counselor can make a huge difference. Our first counselor was completely on my side and openly sided with me against my wife...so that was not any real help at all. The counselor we've got now doesn't take sides...he does make sure that we take responsibility for our part in what happened, and he does try to help us make sure that we're doing the right things to rebuild our marriage.

 

Our marriage has and will survive what happened. Mostly because of the awesome years we had before this happened. But, my wife would not have accepted her responsibility in what happened, would not have made the changes that she has, and would not have recognized what it was she was lacking without the counseling. And you know what...I don't think I would have either.

 

Sweetz- Sorry for taking over your post for a moment...but I hope this can give you some strength and hope to know that a marriage CAN survive infidelity.

[Sweetz]

I know this is usually just a saying but YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS ALL TO DEAL WITH. But at the same time, it's what I had coming to me so I can't say anything in that regard. The biggest fear I have now is the following and how things will unravel: two years ago, the OM wife had suspicion something was going on but my husband never believed it because this OM was such a good friend to him. The OM made his wife out to be "overjealous" and thats' the image he has of her because of the way the OM played it out. Our fling at this time was as emotional as it was physical. We thought we'd end up together but I saw the pain in the OM's wife so I couldnt go through with it. The OM got sick of my see saw thinking and called it quits.

 

Fast forward to today. My stupidity, ego, and hormones got the best of me and we started our fling again this year. I can honestly say emotional its not, just physically. My husband and this OM talk here and there are friends. My husband has no clue. Perhaps the hard part now is to realize that the news will be shattering to him because not only did I betray him but his good friend, or who he felt was his good friend, also betrayed him.

 

I am going to take it one day at a time. It's the only choice I have at this time. I thank everyone sincerely for your help, advice, comments, and words. It's given me a different perspective of things I wouldn't have come to on my own.

[Joyce]

I know this is usually just a saying but YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS ALL TO DEAL WITH

 

I'm sorry but many of us do know how hard this is to deal with. It's your life and only you can choose how to live it. We are not telling you what to do we are only sharing our experiences. Take that for what's it's worth. Sorry you didn't hear what you wanted. Good luck.

[Sweetz]

Joyce

Thanks for your reply. I know what is needed to be done but I guess I am scared of the truth. I am venting now not at anyone in particular but just in general. Sorry if I came across harsh, that wasn't my intention. I appreciate everyone's comments.

[Joyce]

Sweetz,

 

Follow your heart. If your ok with holding this in then do it but if your not it will keep eating at you. I promise I know how hard it is. I was so stressed.. I couldn't even pay my bills. It affected my health, my job and my kids.

 

It really is up to you... Either way if you need to talk to people that know how you feel we are here.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Sweetz,

 

You need to get away from the computer for a while...go for a walk and get some fresh air. I too was on here for hours my first day looking for the answers I wanted and not what I got but just kept looking and looking and getting deeper and deeper into an emotional pit.

 

Come back later when you are feeling a bit fresher and we will all be here for you.

[Sweetz]

I am off to Starbucks. Be back tomorrow. I hope to have a little clearer sense of things by then (not much clearer but clearer than I do now)

 

You guys helped me out tremendously so far and I so appreciate you all!

[Ladyjane14]

What a tough decision to make. To tell or not to tell?

 

I agree with Vivian in that telling him now is only going to hurt him. But I also agree with Owl as well, the gist being how can you really have a loving and intimate realtionship with someone you don't truly KNOW? And the other posters who have been telling you that he has an absolute right to know are correct as well.

 

I think if you tell him right now, he will most likely divorce you.

 

The only slim possibility that I can see to avoid that is in the timing of when you tell him the truth. The truth must eventually be told in order for the marriage to progress to the loving, intimate relationship that it could become. But do you have to tell him right now?

 

What if you started your counseling first? Working with your therapist to determine WHY these affairs happened would put you in a better position to answer these inevitable questions when the truth comes out. It will put you in a better position to reassure him that you're making the positive emotional changes that will strengthen the marriage. It will let him know that you are serious about making it work.

 

Even then, he still may elect not to continue on in the marriage. But at least you'll be able to help him through the process of divorce by providing real answers to his questions.

 

I don't think you are prepared yet.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

Sweetz,

 

You need to get away from the computer for a while...go for a walk and get some fresh air. I too was on here for hours my first day looking for the answers I wanted and not what I got but just kept looking and looking and getting deeper and deeper into an emotional pit.

 

Come back later when you are feeling a bit fresher and we will all be here for you.

 

this is good advice.......

[reservoirdog1]

Among the many reasons you have to tell your husband the truth, is the fact that he still considers your OM to be his friend. OM is not his friend. He's a piece of crap who saw somebody who was unhappy in her marriage and decided to use her for his own selfish purposes.

 

Your unhappiness doesn't excuse your cheating. But it does explain it. OM doesn't have the benefit of that. He's an amoral user who saw what he wanted and took it. Repeatedly, even after his conscience should have kicked in and told him that what he was doing was wrong.

 

If you have any respect for your husband, you cannot allow him to naively go on, thinking OM is his friend. OM must be cut out of your lives entirely. He is now a cancer on your marriage. As long as he is in your lives, you are still deceiving and betraying your husband.

[Sweetz]

It was a long night to say the least. I thought long and hard what I was suppose to do last night after reading everyone's post. I got home and was stiff as a board emotionally and my husband knew it. I sat around the living room for about a half hour without saying a word. I then went up to him and said "I have something I have to tell you and you will hate me for it but you need to know". It then took me about five minutes to collect my thoughts and fears long enough to say "remember a few years ago when "BOB"s wife accused me of being involved with her husband. Well, she was right".

 

From then followed ackward moments of silence with interjections of him asking me a question or two. Funny enough he semi mentioned that he knew something was going on but wasn't sure what. I also feel he really doesn't want to know all the gory details of what prevailed. He asked me a few questions which I answered.

 

I have to admit I did not come out and tell him every single detail of the affair as I didn't feel that would be fair to him at that time. That news in itself was enough for him to have to hear. We didn't speak much all night after this. He asked why I waited so long and why was I telling him this now. I said, "I just wanted to let you know that some people are not who they seem to be or who you think they are".

 

This is just step one in our journey back to normal life. But I am glad I took it. I was ready for the consequences whatever they were. I ran them though my mind endlessly over and over all day long and to me this seemed like the right thing to do and the right time. I did not want to live another day living a lie.

[Sweetz]

resevoirdog

 

That was one of the biggest reasons I felt I had to come forward now and not tomorrow or the next day. Yes I hurt him bad and did him wrong and I admit that and take responsibility for that. But seeing the two of them interact everyday and seeing the OM pretend like he's some super hero of a guy deceiving my husband hurt me even more, if that is even possible to hurt more.

 

I just hope I did the right thing this time because I know I've done wrong many times before.

[Joyce]

That's great. It's good that you didn't get into details. You don't want to make him feel like you were rubbing it in. Did he say he wanted to work through this? Don't you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders?

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by Joyce

That's great. It's good that you didn't get into details. You don't want to make him feel like you were rubbing it in. Did he say he wanted to work through this? Don't you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders?

 

Huge weight off my shoulders - Yes. Does he want to work on this? - I would have to guess yes, but again the rest of the night was pretty silent. I think he's still in shock but perhaps relieved as well to know that things that were "weird" are now somehow explained? Knowing him, he so believes in marriage and working things through. I hope he feel that way about this marriage still. I am sure he still has questions for me but is taking his time in asking me.