robertdawson Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I apologize for the length, but I didn't want to have to provide any further details after the initial post. I would greatly appreciate feedback. Hello, I am 23 and this girl is 25. She used to be the girlfriend of one my my college friends that has since had two or three girlfriends and that I no longer hang out with as he graduated college and moved away. Anyway, so have talked for a few months on FB, gradually getting closer to each other and what not. She ended up contacting me most of time. She finally drove up to see me on my birthday and we hung out for most of the day, eventually making out, etc. (not removal of clothing). We live about 2 hours apart and have conflicting work schedules so we have been alternating driving to see each other every 3 weeks or so. Each time we would do this we would stay at each others place for a couple days, one time four days. During all those times she has been very affectionate, having sex as much as 3-4 times a day, as well as doing other things like cooking for me, wanting to hold hands, etc. When not with each other, she would often text me each morning and talk to me throughout the day. A few times she started telling me all the reasons why she liked me and wanted to know mine. My reasons were simple: she was attractive, funny/liked my jokes, smart, etc. However, she seemed to think these reasons were too generic. Anyway, one time I went to stay with her for a few days and it was her week to have her daughter the last day I was there. I played with her daughter and got along well with her, but when this girl would try to kiss me and what-not I would pull away as I didn't want to be doing this in front of her kindergartener. Before I left she pulled out her calendar as she normally did and told me that it would unfortunately be 6 weeks before we would see each other again. I didn't like this but agreed. As I was going home I was texting her discussing why I had done that and to make sure she was understood. She continued talking to me on a regular basis and everything seemed fine. Stupidly, one day I was texting a friend of mine and was telling him that sometimes "my girlfriend's daughter is difficult to get along with", but I accidentally sent that message to her!! I quickly said something like "she acts just like her mom!" and played it off a poor taste/stupid joke. She agreed and I apologized, She texted me back and said she wasn't my girlfriend (although I had never explicitly referred to her as that before). I asked why she thought that and she said we couldn't be committed enough with our schedules and how far away we lived from each other. I dropped the conversation and went on about my day. Even after this she continued to text me, and even reference things that happened while I had stayed with her the last time. For example, she had bought some cooking tool that would have been useful for one of the things she made me while I was there and sent me a photo of it, sort of saying that the next time I came she would be prepared. As we continued to talk I asked her if there was any way we could see each other sooner, and she told me that no, the only time she could come before then was in 2 weeks, but she was going to stay a week with this guy friend of hers that lived like 6-7 hours away. She had told me about this guy months before, how she had met him on a dating site like a couple years before, but never went on more than a date with him because he just wasn't a good candidate for anything romantic. As you may guess, I wasn't particularly pleased with this and said that it isn't that common to have guy friends that you drive 6-7 hours to spend a week with, even once a year. She disagreed and I dropped it. Over the next couple days she kept talking to me, but I wasn't quick to respond as I was irritated. A few days later I called her and told her it wasn't going to work out because of our schedules and the distance we lived from each other. She acted ok with that, but a few days later texted me and asked me how I went from "hot to cold so quickly". I told her that I wanted a relationship but she said that neither of us were able to make a commitment to try and see each other whenever we could. I argued with her that that is exactly what we had been doing for months, but she was insistent. My questions: I told my younger sister an abridged version of this and she said that if I never officially asked this girl to be my girlfriend that that was part of the problem. I felt like explicitly asking a grown woman to be my girlfriend seemed a little juvenile, but yeah.. I thought everything was fine after the text message I accidentally sent her since she was still talking to me and when we would see each other again, but maybe this had something to do with it? As far as her going to stay with her "friend", could this have been part of the reason she didn't want to be my "girlfriend"? Any other thoughts on what was going on are appreciated.
Balzac Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Delusions of sexual exclusivity? I think lets get to the core issue here.
Author robertdawson Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 If you're referring to me, I guess my assumption was that since we were seeing each other frequently and she was doing "girlfriend"-like things such as cooking, wanting me to go on walks with her, hold hands, etc. that she wasn't doing things with other people. Personally, I don't think you have to be with someone to have sex, but after sex (especially more than once), I wouldn't do that with anyone else. Maybe that is "old-fashioned", but that is my assumption. I guess for other people they have no qualms regarding dating and having sex with multiple people, which I find odd. Dating multiple people before getting serious with any of them I can see, but that? Nope. So I'm guessing I should have had an explicit discussion about exclusivity with this girl?
NateC Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 If you're referring to me, I guess my assumption was that since we were seeing each other frequently and she was doing "girlfriend"-like things such as cooking, wanting me to go on walks with her, hold hands, etc. that she wasn't doing things with other people. Personally, I don't think you have to be with someone to have sex, but after sex (especially more than once), I wouldn't do that with anyone else. Maybe that is "old-fashioned", but that is my assumption. I guess for other people they have no qualms regarding dating and having sex with multiple people, which I find odd. Dating multiple people before getting serious with any of them I can see, but that? Nope. So I'm guessing I should have had an explicit discussion about exclusivity with this girl? Yes. Communicate. Express what your feelings are and be truthful. It's obvious that she doesn't quite understand how you feel about her or the "relationship" as it were - currently, you're just FWB. Even adults have that talk.
Author robertdawson Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 So generally speaking, when should I have had this this discussion with her? Would be good to know for the future..
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