OrangeMosaic Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I figured putting my thoughts in to words would help me attempt to understand my current, crappy situation. I had been with my boyfriend for 13 months when out of the blue yesterday, he tells me "he needs space to figure out if he wants to keep the relationship going." We're both in our late 20s/early 30s. I have had 4 serious long-term relationships (spawning 1-4 years) prior, and he has had none. This was the only red flag going into this relationship for me, as I was concerned that he did not know how to handle a relationship because of this. Well yesterday he tells me he loves me, i'm the only person he's ever loved, he's still attracted to me, but has not felt the burning passionate desire he used to feel. He said this relationship has been too comfortable and he takes me for granted. He wants the spark back. He said he hadn't felt this spark for a few weeks/ a month, which coincides with when he lost his job out of the blue. He's also had surgery. After psychoanalyzing this to death, I feel that his rut has caused a lot of this relationship plateau and our relationship is the only thing that he has control over. I also feel that relationships and love are not a consistently increasing graph and go through rollercoasters where you do have your doubts and the passion subsides sometimes. That this plateau is a normal hurdle in a relationship. I feel like his inexperience in relationships is causing him to freak out about this plateau and read deeper into it than he should. I asked him over and over again if he wants to break up or try and work this out and he's insisted that he wants to work it out. I really don't want to lose him. I've never been so happy in a relationship where I've felt 100% trust and security with a partner. We've been such a great pair and I feel like he's just freaking out. I do really believe he loves me but I have no idea what he's going to convince himself of in this "time off." I just know he's going to get lost in his thoughts, and I will become a casualty of this. Is there anything I can do? I don't even know what do with myself now because I can't sleep / eat etc. I'm an aries, I get dramatic.
Brown-Eyez Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Ok, try not to freak out, get control of your fear first. Once you aren't feeling so afraid of losing him, back off alittle from contact with him, maybe just text/call him every couple of days with something light about your life that he can relate to. Again try not to worry (that's the fear talking) if he doesn't respond in the same warm manner (or at all even). If you find that after a week of this he has not come around, then you may have to just give him complete space. You may want to go No Contact at that point only so you feel you have alittle more control (YOU are not contacting HIM rather than waiting for him to contact you). Your options are limited but allowing your fear to take over will just make the matter worse.
Author OrangeMosaic Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 Thank you for your reply. I think it's good advice, though I think I might wait a full week to contact him if he doesn't contact me first, since he's the one who wanted this space. I just don't know what to do to occupy my time with! I don't want to go around spewing all of my problems to everyone I know, because I think that would be bad if we do end up trying to work out our relationship. Last thing I need is all of my friends thinking he's an ass. Sigh. At least there's about 300 episodes of Law & Order to watch. On the positive side, I always lose at least 5 lbs when my heart is heavy since my stomach's too in knots to eat a lot :/
barky2 Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Give him the space he is requesting out of respect for him, but mostly for you. The more you beg and plead the more you push him away...remember that. If you don't eat you'll feel worse...so cut that out now. Take a breath, everything will be OK. Barky
Author OrangeMosaic Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 so barky, to reiterate, your advice is no contact initiated by me? He said he needs a week or two. . . man this is going to be hard. He lives 5 blocks away :/
Author OrangeMosaic Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 update: After an arduous week of limbo, he contacted me and we talked. He realized he was having a bit of a freak out and realized how much he missed me. We're still together, just going to take it a bit slow for now. Thank you for the advice of no contact, as I think if I bombarded him with my turbulent emotions last week, things might have backfired in my face! 1
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