I saw it coming and I stayed, now I'm pregnant.

[Smc0813]

Ours is a very long story. Please bare with me. I really need help and I've decided I don't want any of our family and friends to know so that if we do survive this they won't look at him or treat him differently. And that leaves me in a bind I have no one to talk to.

Let me explain the history of the girl before I forget. They went to high school together. And he said it was love at first sight. She led him on letting him believe they had a future together. But when it came down to it she told him she could never date him. Because she needed stability for her and her daughter. He was 17 living at home, with a minimum wage part time job, and no car. So she choose her daughters father. Who eventually left them. Then she met another guy dated him and got pregnant. They got married and he adopted her daughter.

 

3 years ago we started "dating". I had jus gotten out of a relationship that started of as friends with benefits then turned into more. And he had jus gotten kicked out of his home. We both admitted that at first we were using each other to heal our broken hearts then planned on moving on. But we never did. We stayed together as a true couple. So I thought.

 

I became pregnant and we decided to move into together. Then he proposed and when our daughter was 8 months old we married. We were doin great our life was perfect. We had our cute little apartment with our daughter we both got promotions at work. This one day I started feeling him drift away. I didn't know why at first. I had no idea what was coming.

 

I told him on Friday night that when he got home from work I wanted to take a drive to the beach so we could talk. And he agreed to it. But when he got home he said he was too tired to go anywhere. And then an hour later he said he had to go back to work to help his trainee close. His trainee was my sisters boyfriend jr. The next morning jr was pissed because Justin never showed up. I was kind of suspicious because he left in street clothes and didn't take work clothes with him. But when jr said he never showed up I decided to confront him. He said he went to her apartment to go visit her. But nothing happened. Naive I believed him and decided to ask him to cease any and all contact with her. And he refused saying she was jus a friend like a sister and since we were having problems he needed someone to vent to.

 

Then a few months later, in November, he left because he said he loved someone else. That he only married me because he was hoping his love for me would be so strong that he forgot his love for her. And not even a week later he invitede over to his grandparents home where he was staying so we could talk. It was a big load of bologna. He had a candlelit dinner with roses all over the place and I told him we were not goin to have sex we were goin to talk. He said that was what he wanted. So then we talked and I decided I couldn't compete with a woman who didn't want him and didn't love him. I was there for him, loving him taking care of him. But I didn't know how to compete with her ghost. So I told him we would divorce. But then he begged me to reconsider. I told him the only way we would ever have a chance is if he cut her off completely. He agreed and moved back home. But not without a fight. he said he wouldnt pursue a relationship jus a friendship. i told him i knew that if they continued talking they would end up cheating. It took him almost 2 weeks to deleted her number and unfriend her in Facebook. We got over it and our love grew, so I thought.

 

Recently, the end of June, I needed a picture from his Facebook page of our daughter so when I went on my page to find him he was no longer my friend. I asked him what was up and he said I was being childish for deleting him. I didn't and I told him but he insisted. So I let it go. Then a couple weeks later I had this pain in my gut because he was growing distant and wasn't giving me any affection. I went on his friends list and there she was. I confronted him about it. He said he deleted me as a friend because he didn't want me to see that he had accepted her friends request.

 

On July 7 he said he was taking my daughter to target, he gave me a peck on the cheek and left. Then after 3 hours I text him. He said he had an emergency at work and took phia with him and he was about to leave. When they finally got home at 130 in the morning I asked where he took my daughter. He said his mom called and wanted to see him so he took the baby and they fell asleep. And when he realized how late it was he came home.

 

On July 8th he said he had a project to do that required Internet connection. So he left to his grandmothers. I fell asleep and when my alarm for work went off at 655 I looked over and he wasn't there. I text him and he said he fell asleep at his grandmothers and would be home in a few. I got in the shower and got dressed. His grandmother lives 10 minutes away, so after 20 minutes I text him. He said he was leaving the gym. Confused I just accepted it. Then 2 minutes later I received an alert saying my bank card had been used in a town an hour away. So I text him. He said in the middle of the night his mother called him and needed him to pick her up because she and her bf got in a fight and he left her there. And they spent the night in a hotel and they were barely on their way back. He didn't tell me the truth because I already didn't like his mother and he didn't want to add to that.

 

July 20 my mother kept the baby overnight so we stayed home had a few drinks and watched movies. Then he told me the truth. The night he took my daughter to target, she text him saying her husband wasn't home and wanted him to come over. So he did. He took my daughter to her home. And the night he didn't come home he wasn't with his mother he was with her. I cried myself to sleep and didn't let him finish. In the morning as he was getting ready for work I asked him to finish. He said after the girls fell asleep they had sex. And the next night he went back for more. I cried and yelled and threw things and hit him and laughed. I grabbed his phone and went through it and threatened to call her. I finally gave him a deadline. I told him he has until August 19th(a month) to decide if we needed a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. But I can't take it. I need help. There is so much more that's happened since I he confessed but I think this is enough for now. I love my husband I love my family. But after all this I feel like an idiot for wanting to stay.

 

He's my husband I love him. I decided that no matter what I was going to fight for my family. Then 2 days before his deadline I found out I was pregnant. But I didn't tell him right away. I didn't want it to affect his decision. But now I feel dirtier than I did when he first told me about his infidelity. I didn't look at is as he slept with her then came home to me until I calculated out our conception date. The only question on my mind is did he get her pregnant too. It's tearing me apart. What do I do?

[Balzac]

Do about your marriage or your pregnancy. Surely you are aware that reconciliation sex produces babies.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Wow..

 

Your story is awful. I am sorry for your pain.

 

You did not mention what your husband wants to do. And whether he even wants to reconcile.

 

He clearly has cheated repeatedly with this same woman. I am not sure at this point that they will not continue.

 

Please get tested for STDs.

 

And she may be pregnant. If she is, you need to look after your financial interests.

 

I am not sure keeping this a secret is the right thing. It will be stressful and you need to support of family no matter what you do.

[Balzac]

I finally gave him a deadline. I told him he has until August 19th(a month) to decide if we needed a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer

 

You're ceding control to him? You need divorce counseling and an attorney for yourself. You need knowledge about the reality of divorce.

[Smc0813]

Response to blazac

Yes I know. It never fails. I tried to break up with him then we made up and worked out our problems then 2 weeks later we found out I was 4 weeks pregnant with our now 2 year old daughter. Then last july/August we separated. The night before I was going to meet him to talk to him about our reconciliation I found out I was pregnant. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. And now this 3rd pregnancy came right after his infidelity. So our babies are our light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Response to it is what it is and alexandria35

My husband did give me my ring back and tell me to find us a counselor. But he hasn't made time for it. He has been more loving and actually "awake" when he's home. I finally got him to sit down with me and make a plan for our future because "just winging it" was not working for us.

 

More for Balzac

And as far as trying to control him, I don't believe forcing him to make up his mind is a bad thing. I need to know what he wants so that my daughter and I (and this new baby) are not waiting at home for him to decide if he wants to be a husband/father that day. I can't keep living my life knowing that I'm one of many options. I need to know that he wants to be with me and only me and that hell be there for us. As a father and a husband. My mind is everywhere right now. I'm preparing myself for anything I think he might throw at me.

[Balzac]

I'm not telling you it's a bad thing.

 

What I am telling you is to make the increment of time to schedule a preliminary consultation w a capable divorce attorney. Explain your situation and that you need facts. Whether he follows through with counseling and you stay on the marriage-go-round of cheating/making up, you need to understand your rights and the financial risks. You now will need housing for 3 and childcare for 2. I'm sure you both work but in the event you hop off the marriage-go-round, the wages then support two separate households. Only the wealthy can expect standard of living to remain the same. In general child support is a pittance compared to fixed expenses. Protect yourself.

 

If I had a Cheater I was sticking with, I'd be creating a sole owned bank account now to get myself through 36 months. Two young kids, emotional crisis, relocation likely - let the deposits remind both of you what his cheating is really costing.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Balzac is right. It's time for you to assume the marriage is over and secure your life accordingly.

 

If your husband pulls his butt out of his hind end you can discuss it then.

 

Protect yourself and your two babies.

 

Your husbands behavior is and has been despicable.

 

If it were me, I would pack his bags, drive him to her house and drop him off.

 

Don't try to hang on. I assume a few weeks of living there, missing his family will result in an epiphany but you should consider if you want to do this every couple months the rest of your life.

 

Sorry

[Balzac]

You've got 9 months to become educated about contraceptives. Three unplanned pregnancies from reconciiation sex is against statistical odds.

 

Knowledge is Power.

[rumbleseat]

Not trying to be harsh , but you need to get rid of him. Let him slink back to her, and they can have each other. It might hurt, but it's what's best for you and your children . It's not fair to raise them in a home where you 're under all this strain.

I wouldn't even consider marriage counselling until you've hard some individual counselling to figure out why you are willing to accept this.

 

About loving him. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but just because you love someone, that does not mean you should be with them.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I had to explain this to someone just recently. There is a reason people condemn infidelity. Infidelity, as widely accepted by our society as it is, signals there is a very large problem with the cheater. There is a problem with their moral compass. It signals something is broken, or there is something lacking in their psychology. Cheaters are considered "emotionally unavailable" because they are emotionally disconnected from the reality of their actions. They don't feel the guilt or pain they cause because they don't think they did anything wrong, because if they did, they wouldn't have done what they did.

 

Notice the process that occurred. It was a set of mechanisms that led to the act. He consciously took your daughter to this woman's house after she texted him, waited there, and then did the act. Then he consciously came back and did it again and again. This is not a man who is proper in his head. Don't listen to the people telling you this is the way men are -- this is ONLY the way emotionally deranged people are. Even the biggest "bro" you meet who googles women's asses on a daily basis and sends the pics to their other dumb bro friends wouldn't do something like this ASSUMING he has a moral compass and truly loves his woman.

 

The prognosis is to leave him. Don't give him the option of counselling, but if it's something you need to do for YOU then make him go. Once you are satisfied that he is really a f*cktard have him sign the paperwork, work out a custody agreement and move on with your fantastic life. There are many single mothers out there and you have plenty of time to find a decent man who will take care of your beautiful child with you. No one wants this kind of thing to happen, but when someone disrespects you and your relationship in such a fundamental way, you realize that person will only cause you pain in the long run.

[bigfineazz]

i have been in same situation....so what i will say is this....examine all options and be prepared in case you have to be a siingle parent...because that is what i am doing now