Financial "aid" I'm a relationship/building together

[Floater]

Ok here goes...

 

I don't want to believe that I was used.

I think my girlfriend and I are in love. And based on that, the feelings I think we both have/had. I have gotten myself between a rock and a hard place.

 

Is it right to offer to help a new partner with bills, debts, etc?

 

We hadn't been together even a month, and I had OFFERED, she never asked.

 

Just a quick break down

10 months,

75,000$ given to her, for who knows what. I never asked.

Vacations, gifts, those were extra's. probably 10,000$

I consigned a vehicle loan for her, so she could rebuild credit.

I gave her a $10,000 "loan" to start a small business.

 

Other than the business loan, I have never once asked where it goes ( she does not have a drug habit, but does drink a fair amount)

I have never asked for any repayment, as I know she is getting on her feet still.

I have not asked about the 'loan" repayment.

 

Now, I OFFERED all of this help, because in my heart I felt I was doing the right thing. I was able, she was not. And I feel great that I've been able to help as much as I have...

We both viewed this as a very long term thing, expressed desire the whole time to build together, etc.... maybe blinded by feelings of love...

But god damnit, I feel I'm a bit unappreciated recently.

 

Am I a sucker? A fool? Did I do the right thing following my heart? Or the wrong thing not using my brain?

 

Now...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/419170-am-i-controling-i-had-no-idea

[Balzac]

Stating the amount of money absent any idea of your general wealth is worthless data. If you can afford donating to charity or losing that cash in an investment, it's not crippling you.

 

That being said - get a clue.

[Balzac]

Rebuilding her credit from what? Her lifestyle between dude before you and now your subsidy? I'd have concerns. Massive education debt, no car and trying to enter the world of owner operator self employed?

 

You mind sharing her age?

[Floater]

Stating the amount of money absent any idea of your general wealth is worthless data. If you can afford donating to charity or losing that cash in an investment, it's not crippling you.

 

That being said - get a clue.

 

I'm young, and now very close to broke.

 

Haven't you ever followed your heart?

[Floater]

You hadn't been together for a month and already you were offering her money? You mean to say you've given this woman nearly $100,000, the bulk of which you cannot account for?

 

Yes, you are a sucker, a fool and a whole host of other things, half of which I can't even state here. I'm torn between pity and outrage. Were you trying to buy her? It certainly does seem as if you felt entitled to some level of control over her and given the circumstances it would seem that sense of entitlement came from you having lavished thousands of dollars on her.

 

I have no clue what moved you to do something so ridiculous but I assume this woman is very, very hot and you are....very, very not.

 

I'm not hot, as in angry. At all. But she is very hot yes.... And I believe she could have chosen to use anyone who had more money than me! Lol

 

I did what I felt was right, and I trusted her.

 

It was supposed to be an effort to really build something with somebody I loved.

 

She makes very good money, on her own, when she is working. I just happened to enter her life at a time when she was laid off, and struggling. After the first month.

 

Is it fair to see someone struggle, when you have no concerns?

[Balzac]

I have indeed followed my heart. It's a rough road for you to recover from financial ruin be it together as a couple or you independently. Bankruptcy is only available to you every 8 years.

 

Do you have even a basic working knowledge about finance or accounting? Math? Young defines only that you may be just beginning your career?

You haven't mentioned a trust fund and the sums of cash/credit that you've specified to us requires a low six figure sustaining income. I fully understand starting a new business venture. Is the vehicle lease within the business?

[Els]

 

Is it fair to see someone struggle, when you have no concerns?

 

... You do know that struggling people don't need $75000/year to just survive, right?

 

How do you give someone that much cash without even ASKING what they need it for, unless you're Simon Cowell or something? Holy baloney. I think I'm calling under-bridge-dweller on this.

[Balzac]

Struggling after 1 month of no job? That said in the same breath as she makes good money - defines financially not responsible.

[Floater]

Rebuilding her credit from what? Her lifestyle between dude before you and now your subsidy? I'd have concerns. Massive education debt, no car and trying to enter the world of owner operator self employed?

 

You mind sharing her age?

 

My age. 29/30

 

It was a second vehicle. Rebuilding her credit because of poor choices she had made before.. Again. I never asked.

 

I don't know...

 

I refuse to believe I was just used. Impossible, she could have used anyone. I'm far from rich.. As I said, this has left my heart, and my bank account broken.

Or was I just such a sweetheart/nice guy, with my insecurities, that this alpha female was able to walk all over me easily?

I just can't believe that when I think of her. Not who I know.

 

I'm just curious if I approached this the wrong way? Is it wrong to help someone your with? Unless your married?

[Floater]

I have indeed followed my heart. It's a rough road for you to recover from financial ruin be it together as a couple or you independently. Bankruptcy is only available to you every 8 years.

 

Do you have even a basic working knowledge about finance or accounting? Math? Young defines only that you may be just beginning your career?

You haven't mentioned a trust fund and the sums of cash/credit that you've specified to us requires a low six figure sustaining income. I fully understand starting a new business venture. Is the vehicle lease within the business?

 

 

I'm 29 years old. I make 150,000 /year.

 

I have her literally everything I had in savings. Cash

I didn't use credit or completely burn myself.

The vehicle was purchased through a bank loan. Both of our names.

 

Allll I wanted was to see this person accel, archive the amazing things I saw in them.

 

I still have my job, still have pay cheques coming.. But the purse is closed, after recent events, and me left feeling unappreciated... Kind of a massive understatement

[Floater]

... You do know that struggling people don't need $75000/year to just survive, right?

 

How do you give someone that much cash without even ASKING what they need it for, unless you're Simon Cowell or something? Holy baloney. I think I'm calling under-bridge-dweller on this.

 

 

Under bridge dweller? Ha.

 

I've spent enough time with drug users to know the difference.

She drinks excessively. Makes poor financial decisions. And had 2 rents to pay, as well as debts etc..

[Balzac]

Hard to help a guy who states he refuses to accept being used.

 

It's the degree to which you helped absent a promissory note and accountability.

Her prior bad financial decisions brought her logical consequences. You've now taken on bad financial decisions and likely logical consequences.

 

Second vehicle? Not getting it. Not understanding.

[Floater]

Struggling after 1 month of no job? That said in the same breath as she makes good money - defines financially not responsible.

 

She makes good money, when she works. Yes.

$40/h I believe right now.

 

When I met her it was quite a bit less than that, and she got laid off, 5 months early

[Els]

Under bridge dweller? Ha.

 

I've spent enough time with drug users to know the difference.

 

Uh. Not my point.... That does make you sound a little more genuine, though.

 

She drinks excessively. Makes poor financial decisions. And had 2 rents to pay, as well as debts etc..

 

Well, then. Do you even have to ask whether you made a good decision or a bad one? You dodged a bullet, seems like she could've leeched hundreds of thousands off you over the next few years if she hadn't called it quits. Maybe next time don't give someone that much money to fritter off in alcohol and 2 rents.

[Balzac]

At best you need to consult an attorney to restructure this business. Either by virtue of a partnership agreement and incorporating the debt/cash infusion into a form that it's a qualified investment expense.

[Floater]

Yeah I am too. No one in their right mind would do something like this. Then again OP doesn't exactly seem to be in his right mind.

 

Helping someone "in need" is one thing but $75k is a whole helluva lot of need...

 

 

I know it is.

 

And it's a very frustrating situation. Believe me.

 

I didn't think things would be like this.

And saying I never "asked" isn't entirely true,

 

Rent x 2

Phone bill

Power/etc billsx2

Insurance

Gas

Food

Etc etc

Debt payments.

 

She has lived off of me for almost the whole

Time.

I'm glad she is working steady NOW, and was really hoping we could start doing something more like 50/50...

And then she broke up with me, because I'm insecure/controlling etc.

[Floater]

At best you need to consult an attorney to restructure this business. Either by virtue of a partnership agreement and incorporating the debt/cash infusion into a form that it's a qualified investment expense.

 

 

The business portion is the smallest bit of it.

10,000 business "loan"

You could consider the vehicle business related, but again it's a loan that I only consigned,

[Balzac]

You need to meet with an accountant who works w a lawyer to see if you can clean up your financial mess. Structure your losses to your tax 1040 and let them show you how to recover from this fraud perpetrated on you.

[Floater]

Uh. Not my point.... That does make you sound a little more genuine, though.

 

 

 

Well, then. Do you even have to ask whether you made a good decision or a bad one? You dodged a bullet, seems like she could've leeched hundreds of thousands off you over the next few years if she hadn't called it quits. Maybe next time don't give someone that much money to fritter off in alcohol and 2 rents.

 

 

I've added it up. It's staggering. Trust me. I know. It was my money.

Living expenses and debt repayment.

 

 

I'm asking if its normal to offer help to people your in a relationship

In? Or is that wrong because it removes their independence?

 

And she makes as much as I do, IF she worked steadily.

= great opportunity for partners to build

[Balzac]

From the terms you use here, it's clear to me that you lack basic knowledge about creditor terms. What you define as business related and what a professional can determine are not the same.

[Els]

 

I'm asking if its normal to offer help to people your in a relationship

In? Or is that wrong because it removes their independence?

 

IME, it's normal to offer help (though not necessarily as early as you did - 1 month is bloody early on).

 

Not normal to give them 7.5k a month for 10 months.

[Versacehottie]

You need to meet with an accountant who works w a lawyer to see if you can clean up your financial mess. Structure your losses to your tax 1040 and let them show you how to recover from this fraud perpetrated on you.

 

Good point. In fact, you can take a "loss" if any of that money was technically a loan and is not "recoverable", I believe. If there is ANY grey area, make it work in your favor. For example, the $10K to start her business, surely that must have been a loan...wink-wink. In the meantime, the most important thing I would take care of is getting your name off that car you co-signed for....especially if she drinks a lot...well just especially the car. You could lose even more. If her credit is fixed up now, she should be able to do this AND want to if her intentions about the money/control stuff are pure. I am not familiar with your thread@being controlling. I just find it interesting that as soon as the money is not flowing, that's the critique. When in fact, a person who gives money would have a lot more control. I sense she is playing you...perhaps to a very great extent.

[Floater]

From the terms you use here, it's clear to me that you lack basic knowledge about creditor terms. What you define as business related and what a professional can determine are not the same.

 

I understand what your saying, as far as "legal" applications and sorting it out.

I'm no expert, but I know that lots can be related to small business expenses.

 

All I'm saying Is that the agreement we had was a smaller loan for her business start up. None of the other money was for that purpose directly

 

And again.. Just wondering if I'm a ***tard, or what.

Because its a ****ty situation to be in.

[Balzac]

Helping to set up a joint business venture is apparently your mindset. It's not uncommon to set up a business knowing a partner for a month.

You did not set up your investing in a joint future that way.

 

It's the way you structured this and your failure to protect yourself that's the big problem.

[Balzac]

Whether you were or not / present task is being willing to meet with professionals who see this multiple times everyday. Their job is to assist you in cleaning up the mess. Accepting that you are a ****tard and then not cleaning up the mess means you enjoy being a bvcktard. Think of it that way. Many a man has sold his soul for being in love.