Author Floater Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 You really had no idea? Yet she's told you in the past. Change for you - she's obviously tired of it... She's told you before - yet you still post saying you had no idea - really? I had no idea that my insecurities, that I have discussed with her, and my actions resulting from that, we're viewed as Conteolling, and emotionally abusive. That's huge, and I didn't know it had affected her like that.
2sunny Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 I had no idea that my insecurities, that I have discussed with her, and my actions resulting from that, we're viewed as Conteolling, and emotionally abusive. That's huge, and I didn't know it had affected her like that. But you said that she's told you in the past. Is that true?
Faith13/2 Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 (edited) i dont think its controlling from what you have said you have done...i think you feel insecure.... controlling to me is confiscating her phone not allowing her to use it, to telling her who she is allowed to go out with or not wihtout discussion or reason ill give you an example of controlling behavior smashing her phone while she is on it or about to try to call someone if soemoen is insecure about things and asks questions....and you are not doing doing anything wrong and you care about the person asking the questions....you just answer them.... i dotn have any secrets so my phone is open to be read..my kids take off with it all the time it is the only mobile with credit.......i didnt give a flying fig when my ex used to look at my phone....there was nothing there and if i had something private to say to a friend who needed advice or had a problem and wanted to talk to me...i would call anyway..deb I completely agree with this. I don't feel your actions constitute as controlling or emotionally abusive at least from what you have described. I feel that your actions are caused from your insecurities, yes, but I also think that the way you are acting is normal especially when you have a part time LDR. I know from my experience in my LDR thoughts and emotions run high. As I'm sure you know trust is a main factor that is needed in a R like this one(or any R for that matter). I know if my SO wanted to go through my phone or ask who i'd be going out with i'd have no issue with answering those questions. Mostly because: 1. I'd want the same consideration in return. 2. I have absolutely nothing to hide. 3. I know my SO would be asking because he cared and it made him feel comfortable with our circumstances. I personally say you should move on, only because she can't seem to understand where you're coming from. Yes, you should trust someone when they have given you no reason not to, but on the other hand I see nothing wrong with comforting my SO with something as simple as viewing a phone or letting them know where I'll be. Good luck. Edited August 25, 2013 by Faith13/2 1
Author Floater Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 But you said that she's told you in the past. Is that true? She told me I shouldn't question her based on my insecurities. She only recently said that she felt I was controlling and emotionally abusive! I had no idea she viewed it like that. Until I looked over articles on the subject
SpiralOut Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 (edited) I find it interesting that she not only called you controlling, but went out of her way to send you articles about mental abuse for you to read in order to convince you of it. THAT, in my opinion, makes her just as guilty of boundary crossing. It's one thing to explain why you're breaking up with someone, it is quite another to bash into their heads how "abusive" you think they are. I think she is out of line. Makes me wonder why she is putting so much focus on you while saying so little about herself. Sounds to me like she was doing some inappropriate things herself, going off to visit a guy friend alone when she knew darn well he had feelings for her still. That's an odd thing to do when you're in a relationship with someone. Sounds like she also hasn't revealed any details of what her trip was like either and became very upset when asked about it. That doesn't make it okay to contact her friends about it and check into her phone and all of those things. However, I can see why you don't trust her. I think there's something more to the story . . . . and I think that if you were truly an abusive guy, you wouldn't be feeling so confused and asking us for help. I think you would be calling her names and denying everything. Edited August 25, 2013 by SpiralOut 3
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Ok. Well thank you again. I guess one of the first incidents was a trip she had planned to visit a guy friend, I of course had no problem with this. Until she told me he had sent her some "private" pictures. I told her the choice was hers to make, said I didn't like the idea, but said that I trusted her to go. So she went. Who would do that? How is that ok in anyone's books? Second incident, was while I was visiting her, away from my home, she made a choice to go and visit another guy friend, who had refused to meet me, and openly admitted because it was because he still had feelings for her ( they had a history together). This actually made me mad, and caused quite an argument early on Again, who does that? That's when my trust dwindled. Go visit a guy who sent private pictures, after I expressed how I felt. But left the choice up to you. And wanting to go visit a friend you have history with, who refused to meet me, because he has feelings for you still.... While I'm visiting you in another city. Looking back at all te roller coaster. Those are the first two incidents. My behavior was all after that. But I think she now felt I didn't trust her anyways. All down hill I dunno Hmmmm, you know i dunno. I realize we are only hearing your side. However, what i see from these incidents and the information in your other thread, is that she does whatever she wants and you are supposed to just be fine with it. And on top of that, I think she enjoys/enjoyed at some point trying to make you jealous. Otherwise why tell you about the photos? If she was going to continue to go, because she believed she could handle the situation as they were just buddies than why tell you about the photos? To rile you up. Some people thrive off the drama. Threshold for drama is high--makes her feel wanted and important. Usually goes hand in hand with reckless behavior like bad financial decisions and lots of drinking. Lack of responsibility and taking ownership of her actions. And then same with visiting the other guy. I don't think many of the guys i know would be ok with these 2 scenarios. But it's what action you take in response to what action she decides to take. I don't know if "love" or perceived love is strong enough to overcome when one person does not take the other into consideration and disrespects him. I honestly don't know why you are trying to fix this. She is playing you. And that's what's making you go crazy. I just think the things she does are going to continue to chip away at your self-esteem and not allow you to build trust as a couple. If you are not secure of yourself in this relationship, you are not going to get the best out of it or your life in general. It will consume you. I haven't read one thing about your girl that makes me think she is worth dating.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Floater, I am going to post what I interpret from both your threads. I know you want them to be separate but the issues are not. My thoughts, for what it's worth. You think this girl is out of your league. Because you think you are lucky because she could have anyone, you are trying to accept behaviors that really are not cool. 1. Maintaining relationships, including 1:1 time, visits, etc. with males who are interested in her, who are not friends of the relationship. This puts her in a very risky position and would not be cool for 99.9% of people. Due to her maintaining and investing in these friendships, you remain insecure. You don't believe she will cheat, but you don't want to be a patsy. (DISCLOSURE--I believe people in committed relationships do not need to have secrets. Open phones, emails, etc.) Due to you remaining insecure you are doing behaviors to try to feel confident in your relationship. Checking phones, etc. Things you probably would not do if she had rock solid boundaries. 2. Asking for and accepting significant financial support You have been giving significant funds as an investment in the relationship. You think she's out if your league so this is one way to look like a keeper...spending lots of money. You are spending so much money it has significantly decreased your savings and financial status. You have begun to wonder if you are being used, or you wouldn't have asked. You continue to defend this even when people tell you that you should handle this aggressively because you are afraid that it will push her further away or hinder reconciliation. Just to lay it out there. Many of her actions to an outsider, look like a con. Like she is using you for money and now that the money train is gone she is breaking up with you, but stringing you along with promises to consider reconciling if you fix yourself. By accusing you of being controlling and telling you that is the reason, you cannot check up on her. You probably are insecure. You think she's too good for you. But her behavior is very sketchy. Lets assume it's not a con. Why have you not discussed the sketchy behavior and the money with her? A good relationship requires that you discuss your feelings. You are basically prepared to shoulder the whole blame, work on your "controlling behavior" and write off $75k as a learning experience? I think you are so afraid of losing her you are letting her treat you like dirt. You need to have some self respect. 3
veggirl Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 You guys read his other thread. This chick used him for $75K in just 10 mos. Floater, it's no wonder you were paranoid. I mean hello. Any chick that will open her palms that quickly to that much money from a guy she is just starting to date has some...issues, at best. She's not a good person, I woulda been worried too. You seriously need to go NC with this person. and next time don't use your money to get a girl (sorry but whether consciously or sub, you WERE under the impression your hand outs would keep her around..and they did, hence why she didn't leave til she no longer needed your $$$. Not a coincidence!) 2
SpiralOut Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 . I don't know if "love" or perceived love is strong enough to overcome when one person does not take the other into consideration and disrespects him. I honestly don't know why you are trying to fix this. She is playing you. And that's what's making you go crazy. I just think the things she does are going to continue to chip away at your self-esteem and not allow you to build trust as a couple. If you are not secure of yourself in this relationship, you are not going to get the best out of it or your life in general. It will consume you. I haven't read one thing about your girl that makes me think she is worth dating. Exactly. OP, I think that she is gas-lighting you.
Author Floater Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 Well I'm realistic. And j know that neither one of us is "perfect". We both have some issues to iron out, but to me, that's part of being in a relationship, opening up to someone, accepting them, and their problems. Being a team. I dunno.. Maybe my view is skewed because I do love her.. Also, I have done a few things that she has forgiven me for, and vice Versa. But some of what you guys are saying IS basically how I feel, I'm just confused. I KNOW she isn't perfect, but I don't expect her to be, I accept her fully just the way she is... Her drinking doesn't help, and is a very touchy subject. I don't want to say "alcoholic" but.. I know that people with addictions tend to blame others, always seem to be the victimized one, and seem to have sets of double standards which just are t fair... I know all these things. As I said I accepted her as she was.. Just ****.! I certainly never tried to be controlling, as lots of you said it might be a part of the long distance thing to..
shortee Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) At first, I thought your behavior is a bit controlling. But reading your other posts and seeing more background, it seems she is using you for money. And it wouldn't surprise me if she's doing the same to the other two guys as well. Acting like she's in relationships with them in order to get some money. You say she has a lot of earning potential to make 6 figures. Sounds like a line. What kind of swampland in the desert are you buying? I would just end it with her. She already bled you dry and seems like a really shady character. Edited August 28, 2013 by shortee
AverageCat Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I see relationships as a couple does everything. So the fact that you were this or that, means that BOTH OF YOU were this or that. You might have been a bit controlling, but hell she probably did not make your life easier. Your problem really was on setting boundaries. By being OK with whatever she does. (Oh you're one on one with a male friend... that should be OK right, even though he's into you. Oh wait you said you can't control his actions, so he kissed you, yeah no big deal baby, you did nothing). NO. Stand up for what you believe in and what you think is right. If you did question a few of her "guy friends" friendships then it was your right to question about it and it was her duty to make sure you were comfortable with it. She didn't care enough to make you comfortable about it and you went along with it doing stupid things (like the phone creeping, etc.), but the problem is not in what you did. It was in what you accepted. You thought something was not right and you were afraid to have a normal convo with her about it, afraid of appearing insecure. If you had, then you would have had no reason to look at her phone. Honestly, there's no people without insecurities (don't listen to the "wannabe cool liers") and it's both partners duty to hear and work through these insecurities . The moment one of the partners dismisses them completely (like your partner did), they become a bigger problem and your R is doomed to fail.
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