Am I controling? I had no idea

[Floater]

Well, I'm need of some advice..

 

 

Have been in a relationship for 10 months, and she recently ended it.

It actually seems like it was a long time coming, as there were discussions about it, based on her displeasure with my insecurities.

 

Now, I work overseas on a month on/ month off rotation. Factor in some insecurities on my end (previously cheated on), the fact that we are apart for so long, and the fact that she is a very beautiful alpha female type... You could probably say it was doomed from the start?

 

However, we both endured, in the name of love, and she has held on as long as she feels she can, waiting to see some changes in that department.

 

Some of the things I am guilty of, I have looked at her phone, I have involved Facebook 'posts' (asking about social media), and I have frequently questioned who she is going out with.

 

At first, I thought lots of my inquiring was justified, there were a couple things happen, that made me question the intentions of a few of her guy friends... She would say their actions can't be blamed on her etc...

A few of these instances led to me going through her phone/Facebook.

 

After this break up recently, I had a very hard time letting her go, letting her have some space (she broke up with me while I am at work, on the other side of the world). And I have contacted her numerous times through text, and phone calls.

She has sent me a few links detailing the behaviors of emotionally abusive people, and controlling people. And I'm afraid to say that quite a few of my actions are on those lists.

 

I'm very grateful that it was actually brought to my attention this way..

Before this I was aware of some insecurity that I had personally, but I did not realize how my actions were affecting her.

I'm ready, really ready to change how I have been.. But I'm worried its to late.

 

 

I really love this woman, and I believe that she really loves me. I honestly believe I'm about the nicest guy a girl hope for...I just never in a million years would have considered myself to be controlling, or emotionally abusive.

 

Lots of background stuff I hadn't added, as I don't think it is Key to the issue she brought to my attention.

 

Is it really to late ? She wants to be with me, but says she cant wait any longer for me to change!

How do I just stop this behavior?

 

I feel like a child asking for advice, I'm almost 30years old... But my relationship experience is limited. I know enough that I know I don't want to lose this one..

 

Please help.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Can you change? YES if you think you need to then do! We are not all done "cooking" at some magical point in time. You should continue to grow and improve the rest if your life.

 

Is it too late at 29? Muahahahahahahah.....um, no.

 

Is it too late for this particular relationship? Yes she broke up with you.

 

Is it too late for something with this woman? Maybe not...you work hard, be proactive, don't do anything stalkerish and stupid, if you both love each other than maybe you can have a new relationship.

 

Key here is...

You must do real "stuff". Therapy, books, classes, actions, actions, actions. Proactively set it up, schedule it and learn.

 

Thank her for caring about you enough to help you be a better man that you recognize and commit to changes, with or without her...then take action. And do it. She needs to know she's not dragging you along by the nose.

 

Don't waste time.

 

Fix it.

 

Good luck.

[Floater]

It's a difficult situation.. She has brought up being distressed with my insecurities, and wanting to change them previously.. It almost seems like a vicious circle. I didn't know my insecurity came off the way it does, or had affected it as deeply as It did until now.

 

We are living together, I am overseas at work, we are still communicating.. If I text or call we can talk.. But it seems her decision is final, because she is sick of waiting. I plan on making every change possible for myself. And maybe have a chance to approach things later.

 

Am I really a controlling person?

Or could we just have gotten a little lost along the way.?

A long distance relationship is hard enough, never mind throwing insecurities into it.

[NateC]

Well, I believe it's best for you to just be open and talk to each other about everything. Your insecurities are justified somewhat (I mean, who wouldn't be worried when you're on the other side of the world?), but it's important to compromise.

 

Seeing how she ended it already it may be difficult for her to understand, but it's worth a shot.

[Balzac]

Curious how you can or are still living together if she's ended the relationship. One would think she'll be relocated prior to your return.

[Floater]

Curious how you can or are still living together if she's ended the relationship. One would think she'll be relocated prior to your return.

 

Basically we LIVE in separate cities, she has her own place, but is living with me because of work circumstances.

 

I can choose to live anywhere with my job, and chose to 'live' with her in the city she is working in at the moment.

[Balzac]

Thanks for the added clarity. I understand and yet it's important for LSers to have a well defined picture to offer you useful suggestion.

[Floater]

Well, I believe it's best for you to just be open and talk to each other about everything. Your insecurities are justified somewhat (I mean, who wouldn't be worried when you're on the other side of the world?), but it's important to compromise.

 

Seeing how she ended it already it may be difficult for her to understand, but it's worth a shot.

 

We have discussed it previously, and basically her stand is, trust is trust is trust, and I need to trust her. Regardless of being away, my actions are not justified when it comes to some of the "controlling" behaviors.

 

However, I hadn't viewed my actions in that light before, and I certainly don't want to be like that!

 

So possibly reapproaching the subject again, with this new insight could actually help?

 

My plan is to let things cool down for the remaining week I am at work, no/little contact, and hopefully get a heart to heart discussion with her when I get home, and I will be enlightened with this issue she has brought to my attention.?

[Floater]

Thanks for the added clarity. I understand and yet it's important for LSers to have a well defined picture to offer you useful suggestion.

 

Well thank you for the reply.

I'm a very confused, heart broken man these days.

I could tell you a long drawn out story that would take you 20 minutes to read. But I don't think all of the background info is necessarily important for now.

 

The short of it is, neither one of us is perfect. Nobody is. We have had a roller coaster ride, but really do love each other, want to stop hurting one another, and see things work out between us.

 

But again. Facts are facts, and all finger pointing aside, the key issue seems to be the one I explained in the original post.

[Floater]

Whereas snooping the phone is not generally acceptable, your concerns about social media and who she goes out with are entirely legitimate and not conrolling in the least, regardless of whatever list she dug up. I can probably find a list somewhere of places bigfoots live. Many people today think an exclusive relationship is just an "add-on" to their social lives with no accountability or responsibilty otherwise, and this is a chidlish, selfish attitude. I think you are being snowed some.

 

But the real meat here to me is she chose to wait until you were away at work to break up. Low quality, selfish, disrespectful. She did you a favor regardless of how you feel now. Move on to more mature, considerate options who will treat you with respect.

 

Fair enough.

 

But would constant questioning not drive the most devoted person a little crazy? After it has been brought up numerous times?

 

I'm lost a bit, I find myself unable to get mad about any of it, because I always see her perspective.

 

I really have a big heart. And I do love her, want this to work.

 

But I am insecure, and again, had no idea that my insecurities were affecting her in that perspective.. Controlling/emotionally abusive

 

If I love her, I need to seriously take that into consideration and not ignore it.

[Els]

Exactly how constant was your constant questioning? Are we talking once a month, or once a week, or even worse?

 

As the first poster on your thread suggested, I think you do need to take a deep look at resolving your own issues, regardless of how this R pans out. You acknowledged that you feel insecure due to previous bad experiences. Is there a way you could work on learning to trust again?

 

I'm not suggesting blind trust, but 'constant' questioning is not likely to be received well by most long-term partners, I'd wager. If your partner shows signs of danger/cheating, then best to hash it out once and for all, and choose to stay or leave, rather than constantly watching their back and probing them.

[Balzac]

Identifying and owning behavior is the first step toward change. That being said, I think a successful relationship requires more than love.

Your basic incompatibility seems to emminate from a difference in concept about trust. Resolution is often compromise where both parties get some of what each wants and sucks up what they don't get. You're smart enough to have a good career job working in two cultures. You must at some level understand that concept.

[Floater]

Exactly how constant was your constant questioning? Are we talking once a month, or once a week, or even worse?

 

As the first poster on your thread suggested, I think you do need to take a deep look at resolving your own issues, regardless of how this R pans out. You acknowledged that you feel insecure due to previous bad experiences. Is there a way you could work on learning to trust again?

 

I'm not suggesting blind trust, but 'constant' questioning is not likely to be received well by most long-term partners, I'd wager. If your partner shows signs of danger/cheating, then best to hash it out once and for all, and choose to stay or leave, rather than constantly watching their back and probing them.

 

That's the thing though, is that I do trust her in that regard. I never believed she would cheat on me. It's more an internal questioning thing? Where I'm doubting myself?

She had given me no reason to believe she would cheat etc.. It's just my mind set..

When I go out somewhere I offer those things, names, places, plans etc.

I think it's strange that someone doesn't offer some more details.

It's not just "I'm going out with a friend"

She also has numerous guy friends, and a few occasions where they have acted innapropriatley. But I can't blame others actions on her, right?

 

And I usually question whenever she goes out, which isn't all that often, but if its twice a month, I'll ask.

 

I also do things like ask who she is texting/talking to etc.

 

And I plan on doing the work.. I have been to see a councillor. Plan on continuing with that. And I keep reading articles, and pick up books when I have the time.

 

As I said I don't want someone to view me as controlling! I had no idea

[jphcbpa]

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" Glover asap

[Floater]

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" Glover asap

 

I will check it out.

[Floater]

So, kinda mixed responses here...

So here is a list of things I have done, given the brief background of the situation.

 

Checked her phone

Checked her facebook

Asked who she has texting, on numerous equations

Question, who, where, what she is going to do when she is "going out with a friend"

Text very frequently, throughout the day, when I'm away at work

Try to call once a day when I'm at work

We try spending as much time as possible together when I am home.

I have contacted /reaches out to friends of hers when we are having disagreements (crossing her personal boundaries, I shouldn't talke to her friends)

I have "ignored" a recent request to give her some space, and to drop the subject of our break up ( again crossing her boundaries)

 

My own insecurities is what I blamed these actions on, or justified them with... But she has given me little reason to think that she would be cheating

 

I didn't know that she was THIS hurt by my actions, even though she had expressed displeasure with constant questioning in the past... Or maybe I should say I wasn't aware that she viewed me as controlling/abusive

 

Am I controlling and emotionally abusive?

I've always thought I was just a very nice guy with lots of love to give.. And now I feel like I may have been smothering her the whole time...

 

I dunno.

[Floater]

These are most of the articles she linked to me.( urls removed by moderation)

And I have to say again, I was blown away reading some of them.

I feel I am at fault for numerous things listed in these articles...

I just never viewed my actions as being like this!

 

I can see now, that my actions are hurting her, and this relationship...

But a few of these articles say that there is a fine line to be drawn.? And it's probably easy to croas that line, as I appear to have.

 

I plan on continuing with a councillor, and reading, I want to do away with my personal insecurities, and certainly stop all of the actions that have hurt her.

 

Too little to late? I hope not.

 

Does anyone have any other books or recommendations on this subject?

It's a complicated situation, as lots is involved, but if this is the reason for the break up... It's something I would like to change for myself.

 

Hence reaching out on here, looking for advice.

I need to so away with insecurity, and build some confidence I suppose. Often feels like I need to grow a pair, as they say.

Edited August 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed URLs, way too many of them

[Floater]

I can't post links to external sites on these boards ?

I'd like to share some of the articles she sent to me about controlling relationships, mental abuse, and obsessive love. But it would post my response?

 

I hit the nail on the head with 90% of the behaviors described in these articles.

 

I have just never viewed myself like that.

 

Does anyone have other opinions? Is it a matter of crossing a thin line between caring, and controling?

 

If she really feels I've hurt her with my insecurities, and that is the sole reason for the break up, I definitely want to learn more. For myself, as well as for a chance of reconciling things.

 

Any other books to be recommended?

[Floater]

You are a little controlling with the phone stuff, but the other stuff is not unusual, esp in a relationship where you are gone month, back a month.

 

Her breaking up with you during a gone month is not cool and a red flag regardless of whether she is cheating or you are controlling. Would just let this one go, bad bet.

 

 

I agree her breaking up with me, while I'm at work is not cool at all.

Really does make it hard to focus on anything else. Selfish yes.

Do I blame her? No...

I honestly am viewing things from her view point/her shoes. And I can really see where she has been coming from.

 

What sort of behaviors would be considered controlling if not the 9/10 I have read on lists then?

 

I don't get jealous, I don't tell her not to go out with friends.

 

As I said, some of my questioning is harmless. What's the harm in telling your partner who you are with, if there is nothing to hide?

[KathyM]

 

Checked her phone

Asked who she has texting, on numerous equations

Question, who, where, what she is going to do when she is "going out with a friend"

Text very frequently, throughout the day, when I'm away at work

I have contacted /reaches out to friends of hers when we are having disagreements (crossing her personal boundaries, I shouldn't talke to her friends)

I have "ignored" a recent request to give her some space, and to drop the subject of our break up ( again crossing her boundaries)

The above are what makes you controlling. If she has never cheated on you and has not given you solid reason to suspect unfaithfulness, the things mentioned above are inappropriate. Trust, unless you have valid reason not to trust, and it sounds like you are reacting based on past relationships you had. It's too bad you brought that baggage into this relationship, because it has killed it. And bringing her girlfriends into your disputes/disagreements with her or grilling them about your girlfriend or your relationship is so inappropriate. You have no business doing that. Please work on your insecurities and relationship skills in counseling so that you can have healthier relationships in the future. Sounds like this one is over.

[Versacehottie]

So, kinda mixed responses here...

So here is a list of things I have done, given the brief background of the situation.

 

 

I have contacted /reaches out to friends of hers when we are having disagreements (crossing her personal boundaries, I shouldn't talke to her friends)

I have "ignored" a recent request to give her some space, and to drop the subject of our break up ( again crossing her boundaries)

 

I feel like I may have been smothering her the whole time...

 

I dunno.

 

These two items, especially reaching out to the friends, are not cool. I don't know if they are emotional abusive or controlling per se but they definitely are smothering and signs of insecurity. It's too possessive. And crosses boundaries. I suppose you may have done the phone checking, FB checking and that stuff because she has either given you reason to, ie you are suspicious. Maybe a tiniest bit of this is ok to get confirmation on your suspcions but either a)you didn't find anything, b)chose to stay even when you did or C)it's is just in your nature to do this. B&C are not cool either. It's normal to ask questions about texting and where someone is spending their time. I take it she finds it not acceptable because it happens in midst of all the other stuff. And it depends on tone and reason for being asked. Gosh, I don't know what to say. This all is not very healthy. I feel bad for you but 10 months in...which if i understand your work schedule you have only spent 5 months of time actually with her. I don't know a nice way to say this: but it seems like you bring out the worst in each other. I would consider a long break from one another for sure.

[todreaminblue]

i dont think its controlling from what you have said you have done...i think you feel insecure....

 

 

controlling to me is confiscating her phone not allowing her to use it,

to telling her who she is allowed to go out with or not wihtout discussion or reason

 

ill give you an example of controlling behavior smashing her phone while she is on it or about to try to call someone

 

if soemoen is insecure about things and asks questions....and you are not doing doing anything wrong and you care about the person asking the questions....you just answer them....

 

 

 

i dotn have any secrets so my phone is open to be read..my kids take off with it all the time it is the only mobile with credit.......i didnt give a flying fig when my ex used to look at my phone....there was nothing there and if i had something private to say to a friend who needed advice or had a problem and wanted to talk to me...i would call anyway..deb

[Floater]

These two items, especially reaching out to the friends, are not cool. I don't know if they are emotional abusive or controlling per se but they definitely are smothering and signs of insecurity. It's too possessive. And crosses boundaries. I suppose you may have done the phone checking, FB checking and that stuff because she has either given you reason to, ie you are suspicious. Maybe a tiniest bit of this is ok to get confirmation on your suspcions but either a)you didn't find anything, b)chose to stay even when you did or C)it's is just in your nature to do this. B&C are not cool either. It's normal to ask questions about texting and where someone is spending their time. I take it she finds it not acceptable because it happens in midst of all the other stuff. And it depends on tone and reason for being asked. Gosh, I don't know what to say. This all is not very healthy. I feel bad for you but 10 months in...which if i understand your work schedule you have only spent 5 months of time actually with her. I don't know a nice way to say this: but it seems like you bring out the worst in each other. I would consider a long break from one another for sure.

 

 

Ok. Well thank you again.

It's a very hard pill to swallow.

I do believe we both do really live each other, or we wouldn't have stuck through what we have..

 

I have excluded a few things of course. Nothing happens without reason..

But I wanted to get at the CORE of what she is telling me the problem was/is

 

I am not one quick to anger, I try my hardest not to judge, I really try to consider her feelings when making decisions, I trusted her fully in the beginning, despite my past insecurities.

 

Here is some more background, just to complicate things further...

Or ... Maybe it's not even worth it? You guys will tell me what everyone has already told me.. Give up etc, move on all that.

 

Like I said just wanted to deal with the problem she claimed it was...

 

I guess one of the first incidents was a trip she had planned to visit a guy friend, I of course had no problem with this. Until she told me he had sent her some "private" pictures. I told her the choice was hers to make, said I didn't like the idea, but said that I trusted her to go. So she went.

Who would do that? How is that ok in anyone's books?

Second incident, was while I was visiting her, away from my home, she made a choice to go and visit another guy friend, who had refused to meet me, and openly admitted because it was because he still had feelings for her ( they had a history together). This actually made me mad, and caused quite an argument early on

 

Again, who does that? That's when my trust dwindled.

Go visit a guy who sent private pictures, after I expressed how I felt. But left the choice up to you.

 

And wanting to go visit a friend you have history with, who refused to meet me, because he has feelings for you still.... While I'm visiting you in another city.

 

Looking back at all te roller coaster.

 

Those are the first two incidents.

 

My behavior was all after that. But I think she now felt I didn't trust her anyways. All down hill

 

I dunno

[2sunny]

You really had no idea? Yet she's told you in the past.

 

Change for you - she's obviously tired of it... She's told you before - yet you still post saying you had no idea - really?

[Floater]

Regardless of what has happened in the past...

 

All I want to know is if my actions are considered controlling or not.

 

Am I a bit insecure yes. Should I take it out on her? No, anything that has happened between us, on her side, has been forgiven 100% I'm not trying to justify my actions. Just want to better myself if I have been causing a problem.

 

It's such a bad feeling, anyone one of you would run for the hills, and would have cut your loses long ago.

 

But I love her, always forgive, and never asked her to change anything for me.

She has only asked me to change this one aspect, my insecurity/controlling attitude. She has forgiven a few things that I have done to tarnish things.. But brings them up and uses them against me when we are talking/arguing/mostly when she is drunk.