On a break that makes little sense :/

[northdevon]

Hi there.

 

My story:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 19 months, recently she begun a job she used to work at and it is her dream job. After she came back, all she begun doing was talking about the job and nothing else at all. She was constantly tired all the time so had no time to really be a girlfriend, I'd be over hers and she would be half falling asleep. I begun to have doubts over us as I felt like I didn't fit into her new life.

 

She talked a lot on Tuesday and Wednesday about this guy called Pete she works with, how well they get on, how hes burned her a CD with new music on to get her into new stuff, and they have a great laugh, are thick as thieves and hes part time there but apparently said if he could work with her all the time he would do. She also said one night her and him might have a drink and stay in the work caravans (one each) and then said about we could go and stay in one caravan one night and gave me a wink.

 

Our relationship has been strained a little due to the fact that she is working and struggling to get used to the new pattern of sleep and the hard work involved, so I suggested the next day that we have a break, to which she said that it isn't a bad idea for a few days "so she can settle there and we will pick it up after then". I told her of my fears of not being in her new life and she said "that was niggling me too, but I love my job and I love you." I suggested that there be no contact for a little while where she suggested there be some contact. We agreed we are still officially together no dating other ppl use time to really figure it out.

 

I don't understand the niggling feeling if I feature in her new life as she was only talking bout the future the day before including me in it. We decided no contact, unless one or other wanted to get in touch. We parted by saying 'I love you' Anyways I missed her by next morning so text her asking if she wanted to see me to talk about things, she said its been one day, that she thinks we are too much like friends in way we are, and we have done this before, gotten into routine and lost spark, but we gained it back by making effort.

 

Anyways I asked her what she wanted to do, basically giving her the 'out' to end the relationship as I felt that was what she wanted. She replied that I hadn't given her enough time and she doesn't know what she thinks, and that she wanted to go back to no contact because she has no idea what she wants. I really am at a loss, do you think things got so boring with us that she is seeing this guy as a G.I.G.S, or shes not wanting to be with me anymore but too nice to officially say 'we are over'?

Edited August 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[northdevon]

Please, if anyone has any advice could they share. Im feeling so blue

[Soat]

Hi there.

 

My story:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 19 months, recently she begun a job she used to work at and it is her dream job. After she came back, all she begun doing was talking about the job and nothing else at all. She was constantly tired all the time so had no time to really be a girlfriend, I'd be over hers and she would be half falling asleep. I begun to have doubts over us as I felt like I didn't fit into her new life.

 

She talked a lot on Tuesday and Wednesday about this guy called Pete she works with, how well they get on, how hes burned her a CD with new music on to get her into new stuff, and they have a great laugh, are thick as thieves and hes part time there but apparently said if he could work with her all the time he would do. She also said one night her and him might have a drink and stay in the work caravans (one each) and then said about we could go and stay in one caravan one night and gave me a wink.

 

Our relationship has been strained a little due to the fact that she is working and struggling to get used to the new pattern of sleep and the hard work involved, so I suggested the next day that we have a break, to which she said that it isn't a bad idea for a few days "so she can settle there and we will pick it up after then". I told her of my fears of not being in her new life and she said "that was niggling me too, but I love my job and I love you." I suggested that there be no contact for a little while where she suggested there be some contact. We agreed we are still officially together no dating other ppl use time to really figure it out.

 

I don't understand the niggling feeling if I feature in her new life as she was only talking bout the future the day before including me in it. We decided no contact, unless one or other wanted to get in touch. We parted by saying 'I love you' Anyways I missed her by next morning so text her asking if she wanted to see me to talk about things, she said its been one day, that she thinks we are too much like friends in way we are, and we have done this before, gotten into routine and lost spark, but we gained it back by making effort.

 

Anyways I asked her what she wanted to do, basically giving her the 'out' to end the relationship as I felt that was what she wanted. She replied that I hadn't given her enough time and she doesn't know what she thinks, and that she wanted to go back to no contact because she has no idea what she wants. I really am at a loss, do you think things got so boring with us that she is seeing this guy as a G.I.G.S, or shes not wanting to be with me anymore but too nice to officially say 'we are over'?

 

Someone this confused concerns me. Do you really want to just sit there waiting for her to rule like a queen on whether or not she's going to bless you with her presence in your life? Something definitely isn't working with you guys together as both sides had problems with it...

[theonlyjuan]

It's all new and exciting to her, she's on a high. Maybe she is entering a new phase of her life.

 

Things do run their course, and some people just walk away when they think they have something better. If she walks away from this, she may end up regretting it. Sometimes things first seem amazing but after a few things go wrong they regret their decision, so yeah it could be GIGS.

 

You don't want to become a doormat! No offence but you are sounding like one, I was the same. You can't be so passive all the time. Decide what you really want, don't sit around waiting for her to mess you about. You both need to make a decision

[oldshirt]

Afraid you just handed her over to Pete Bro:o

 

 

"taking a break" is a euphemism and a way to soften the blow. The direct translation for 'taking a break' is, "I'm not ready to make the clean break from you right at this moment but I want to try this other dude on for size but I want you to wait on the shelf for me while I do it in case it doesn't work out."

 

Even in marriage, "breaks" and separations are to help people transition to their new single life and not to help reconcile or to strengthen the relationship.

 

In the real world it is really quite rare for someone to dump their SO before making some serious inroads with their next. There is almost always someone warming up on deck and lined up ready to go before the ax falls.

 

She is starting a new and exciting life and she has other options and other possibilities that she is wanting to explore. However, there hasn't really been anything bad happening with you and you haven't done anything wrong or any deal breakers per se so she is having a hard time just flat out dumping you. The reason she says she needs time is so she can find a way to justify in her mind so she doesn't feel bad for hurting you or feel slutty for hooking up with this other guy.

 

Afraid you are in the last couple minutes of the 4th quarter and you are down by 22:(

[oldshirt]

.... and yes you are being duped and played and yes you are being way to passive and compliant and being somewhat of a doormat.

 

Honestly, you probably aren't going to be able to pull this off and save the R. What I suggest is you really search your feelings and look into your chrystal ball and determine what will make you sleep at night better and what will help you move on better.

 

Will you sleep better knowing and move better if you make some kind of grand Hail-Mary play and give it your all and fail anyway, but you'll sleep at night knowing you did everything you could?

 

Or will you sleep better by accepting the inevitable and taking matters into your own hands and assertively stating your conditions and terms for the break up and making it a painfree and short and sweet and with as little fallout and bad feelings as possible.

 

My main point is whatever you are going to do, be proactive about it and have some initiative and do what is best for you and will benefit you the most in the long run.

 

That may be standing your ground and fighting but accepting defeat. Or it may mean simply saying, "have a nice time, I hope things go well for you," and then simply walking away and moving on with your life.

[northdevon]

Update I text her sayin i need a decision and its not fair i be strung along she said that she feels suffocated coz she asks for space and doesnt ge wwt it and right now feels like she does want to be in the relationship. asked her if she wants to end it she said "at this moment in time yes" not givin a definite answer just sayin thats her atm feeling! so i replied sayin guess this it then. she has since not replied changd every part of her spfacebook apart from relationship status....signs of GIGS?

[Soat]

Update I text her sayin i need a decision and its not fair i be strung along she said that she feels suffocated coz she asks for space and doesnt ge wwt it and right now feels like she does want to be in the relationship. asked her if she wants to end it she said "at this moment in time yes" not givin a definite answer just sayin thats her atm feeling! so i replied sayin guess this it then. she has since not replied changd every part of her spfacebook apart from relationship status....signs of GIGS?

 

No it's a sign you just broke up.

[northdevon]

since then, i felt awful i just miss her and want her back so much. she broke no contact to ask if i wanted to have our holiday tickets. ended up askin if she wanted her stuff back she said yes, but drop into her garden as its too soon to see each other. she has spoken to a mutual friend and said that she still loves me, she felt smothered by me for a while and i didnt give her space. she said she still loves me but wants to be friends "because im an amazing person" i just feel like how can she be wantin to be friends a day after the break up, yet apparently still be in love with me? I feel rubbish like now I know she loves me I have hope that she might change her mind which means I am not able to move on properly. I feel so rubbish I hate this

[northdevon]

Shes since put up a facebook status with circles thatt are empty and circles that are full. I dont understand her and im dwelling on it all

[Soat]

Shes since put up a facebook status with circles thatt are empty and circles that are full. I dont understand her and im dwelling on it all

 

Defriend or remove her from your newsfeed. What you're doing is just counterproductive.

[Soat]

Shes since put up a facebook status with circles thatt are empty and circles that are full. I dont understand her and im dwelling on it all

 

Defriend or remove her from your newsfeed. What you're doing is just counterproductive. If you don't have the self control to not look at her facebook, defriend her immediately. UNless you just want to keep torturing yourself?

 

BTW, her status is likely a bunch of iOS emoticons (emoji keyboard) which won't display properly on non-iOS devices etc.

[BC1980]

Don't talk to her at all. It's only going to make it worse. I allowed myself to get strung along for 4 months. I just started NC. Don't make my mistake and wait around. It's all or nothing.

[northdevon]

im just afraid. theres some parts of what shes said to friends and me I have written here that dont sound so definitive? i am a doormat, i just wonder if me actually not today or in a few days might realise she shouldnt of been like that and want to try again with her making a changing effort? i just still feel in limbo. today is first no contact day. i cant help hoping.

[Soat]

im just afraid. theres some parts of what shes said to friends and me I have written here that dont sound so definitive? i am a doormat, i just wonder if me actually not today or in a few days might realise she shouldnt of been like that and want to try again with her making a changing effort? i just still feel in limbo. today is first no contact day. i cant help hoping.

 

Please read the link in my signature. Get some pride! You're a good person who will meet other people, don't be a desperate doormat.

[northdevon]

i know i need to do all these things. focus on me. i want to take your advice and its only me hoping that is stopping from putting into place everything on the link. any advice on how i can kill that hope i have?

[Knoxpwns]

So pretty much she wants Pete to Park his AC-130 in her Hangar, if you catch my drift.

 

Feel bad, but don't feel alone. Hell, my "replacement" is currently at my old apartment, banging my ex. We've barely been split for a month. He would have been there the same day if not for distance.

 

In short; the people you love will sometimes pretty much do a 180 and become a monster. She just did this to you. (and she broke up with you via TEXT? Classy. Couldn't even show you the respect to say it to your face. SMH.)

 

I know you want to think that your relationship was unique/special/different,and that the advice you are getting here can't be right. I did as well. Sadly, they never are, and the advice is golden.. My ex was the sweetest, most kind and considerate person I ever knew. And she still had 0 issue ****ting all over me for someone else. Emotions do crazy **** to people.

 

Allow me to offer you a few hard truths about "what happens now" that I have learned from being dumped for someone else, and reading other stories...

 

She needs a break - Congratulations, you have just been broken up with by the most passive-agressive, bull****, dodgy "I want to break up but don't want to be a bad guy" breakup line ever in the history of relationships. Welcome to the club; Population - Me, You, and a bunch of other people.

 

She wants to be "friends" - Lol, nope. She doesn't give a quarter of a **** about you anymore. If she did, why would she do this to you? Is this really what you want in a friend or lover? Its a defense mechanism to make herself feel better.

 

She wants to know you'll be OK - Again, nope. It's again another defense mechanism to make herself feel better for dropping you like a sack of ****. The better you do, the better she can feel. Thats one of the bonuses of NC. You deny her the knowledge of your life, so she has no idea if you are OK or not. People want what they can't have, and that goes for hidden knowledge.

 

"She loves you, but isn't "in" love with you. - You get 3 guesses and the first two don't count. Defense Mechanism? DING DING DING. Are you starting to see the pattern where literally anything that can come out of her mouth is pretty much there to make her feel less like a ****ty person? Yea, its because shes aware that the person you care about most just did you wrong, and HARD. Welcome to being the dumpee in a relationship.

 

"You are suffocating her"

"You didn't give her space during the break"

Anything else that she blames you for or seems mean, unnecessary, rude, etc...

 

Bull****, Bull****, Bull****. Pretty much any of these things she is trying to deflect shame n blame. She is trying to make you feel bad and make it seem like you were the one who caused this. wow, isn't that respectful of her? Yeah. My ex got inside my head and tried to make me hate myself. This is pretty much how they work.

 

 

 

So what can I 'actually' do now? - You can do your best to get over it. It's tough, I'm struggling now.

 

Delete her and BLOCK HER COMPLETELY from facebook and ALL OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA. I cannot stress this enough. I am some sort of strange dumpee superhero that has not once contacted my ex for any reason other than dealing with items/bills/apt lease since breakup, and all that happened in the 4 days following. I've heard bits and pieces, but man, for your own sake, you cannot. cannot cannot cannot for the love of christ and all things holy, CAN F***ING NOT contact her for anything dealing with you, her, your relationship, past, present, future, or anything in that regard. Honestly you should contact her about absolutely nothing, but sometimes RL **** has to get dealt with.

 

Don't call or text her. She will be annoyed with you. She cannot miss what won't leave her alone.

Avoid her at all costs in any sense of the word. Anything you can see or know about her is going to feel like a searing hot rod slowly piercing your chest. there is literally NOTHING valuable to gain from it.

 

CUT HER OFF COMPLETELY. DO NOT CONTACT HER UNTIL SHE CONTACTS YOU, OR NC WILL FAIL. If she contacts you, seriously think about if you're ready to feel all this pain again, because it's likely to happen again.

 

Pick up some new hobbies, work out a bit even if you don't like it. hang with friends, family, try to forget about her. I've been down this road before, anything you can feel, I've felt it too. Chances are I still am.

 

Just take it easy man, talk to the people here for support.

[northdevon]

I needed that. Tough advice. I'm going to keep reading that when I feel down, thanks a lot, honestly this place is a saving grace for a lot of us. How long have you been separated from her? How are you feeling about it now? I'd like insight into the future on my feelings. That it gets easier.

[Soat]

So pretty much she wants Pete to Park his AC-130 in her Hangar, if you catch my drift.

 

Feel bad, but don't feel alone. Hell, my "replacement" is currently at my old apartment, banging my ex. We've barely been split for a month. He would have been there the same day if not for distance.

 

In short; the people you love will sometimes pretty much do a 180 and become a monster. She just did this to you. (and she broke up with you via TEXT? Classy. Couldn't even show you the respect to say it to your face. SMH.)

 

I know you want to think that your relationship was unique/special/different,and that the advice you are getting here can't be right. I did as well. Sadly, they never are, and the advice is golden.. My ex was the sweetest, most kind and considerate person I ever knew. And she still had 0 issue ****ting all over me for someone else. Emotions do crazy **** to people.

 

Allow me to offer you a few hard truths about "what happens now" that I have learned from being dumped for someone else, and reading other stories...

 

She needs a break - Congratulations, you have just been broken up with by the most passive-agressive, bull****, dodgy "I want to break up but don't want to be a bad guy" breakup line ever in the history of relationships. Welcome to the club; Population - Me, You, and a bunch of other people.

 

She wants to be "friends" - Lol, nope. She doesn't give a quarter of a **** about you anymore. If she did, why would she do this to you? Is this really what you want in a friend or lover? Its a defense mechanism to make herself feel better.

 

She wants to know you'll be OK - Again, nope. It's again another defense mechanism to make herself feel better for dropping you like a sack of ****. The better you do, the better she can feel. Thats one of the bonuses of NC. You deny her the knowledge of your life, so she has no idea if you are OK or not. People want what they can't have, and that goes for hidden knowledge.

 

"She loves you, but isn't "in" love with you. - You get 3 guesses and the first two don't count. Defense Mechanism? DING DING DING. Are you starting to see the pattern where literally anything that can come out of her mouth is pretty much there to make her feel less like a ****ty person? Yea, its because shes aware that the person you care about most just did you wrong, and HARD. Welcome to being the dumpee in a relationship.

 

"You are suffocating her"

"You didn't give her space during the break"

Anything else that she blames you for or seems mean, unnecessary, rude, etc...

 

Bull****, Bull****, Bull****. Pretty much any of these things she is trying to deflect shame n blame. She is trying to make you feel bad and make it seem like you were the one who caused this. wow, isn't that respectful of her? Yeah. My ex got inside my head and tried to make me hate myself. This is pretty much how they work.

 

 

 

So what can I 'actually' do now? - You can do your best to get over it. It's tough, I'm struggling now.

 

Delete her and BLOCK HER COMPLETELY from facebook and ALL OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA. I cannot stress this enough. I am some sort of strange dumpee superhero that has not once contacted my ex for any reason other than dealing with items/bills/apt lease since breakup, and all that happened in the 4 days following. I've heard bits and pieces, but man, for your own sake, you cannot. cannot cannot cannot for the love of christ and all things holy, CAN F***ING NOT contact her for anything dealing with you, her, your relationship, past, present, future, or anything in that regard. Honestly you should contact her about absolutely nothing, but sometimes RL **** has to get dealt with.

 

Don't call or text her. She will be annoyed with you. She cannot miss what won't leave her alone.

Avoid her at all costs in any sense of the word. Anything you can see or know about her is going to feel like a searing hot rod slowly piercing your chest. there is literally NOTHING valuable to gain from it.

 

CUT HER OFF COMPLETELY. DO NOT CONTACT HER UNTIL SHE CONTACTS YOU, OR NC WILL FAIL. If she contacts you, seriously think about if you're ready to feel all this pain again, because it's likely to happen again.

 

Pick up some new hobbies, work out a bit even if you don't like it. hang with friends, family, try to forget about her. I've been down this road before, anything you can feel, I've felt it too. Chances are I still am.

 

Just take it easy man, talk to the people here for support.

 

Well f*cking said!! It's called have some PRIDE. Someone dumps you, say fine that's your f*cking choice. I will go find someone better and less fat.

[Knoxpwns]

I needed that. Tough advice. I'm going to keep reading that when I feel down, thanks a lot, honestly this place is a saving grace for a lot of us. How long have you been separated from her? How are you feeling about it now? I'd like insight into the future on my feelings. That it gets easier.

 

How long have we been split? About 37 days give or take. We split jul. 20 and I haven't spoken to her since jul. 24.

 

How do I feel now? Sad. I still think about it a lot. It doesn't really stop hurting for a while, but it gets better. I feel better than I did then. Every day I think about it a bit less.

 

I've already had a date with a super cool girl on PoF. I'm not looking for much, but I'm walking into new relationships armed with knowledge from my previous.

 

Learn from those mistakes, learn from this hardship, and abuse that knowledge to make your future relationships more successful.

 

I've learned so much about myself from this experience. I realized how strong I am as a person. I realized my full potential and value to women by dating again. I realized I am outgoing and that people aren't afraid to talk to me. I realized that my shiness and inversion is a weakness I can break.

 

 

Does the pain of losing that 6+ year relationship hurt? So much. I can't tell you when it will end. But there is still so much that you can take from this that will make you a greater person.

 

You have suddenly lost your lover, your reason, your routines. Your life has been flipped and you feel like you have to start over. It's not often someone is offered a second chance at life. You are in the best position to change who you are into anything you want to be.

 

Realize that in all this loss is a gem of a gift that, if you allow it, can do nothing but make you a stronger person and a better boyfriend than you were before.

[northdevon]

I'm in 3rd no contact day. My friend still has her on facebook though. Said to me that she put up a status about a hard days work. And that she and a female work colleague spoke about the guy she works with joking about them teasing him at work. I felt rubbish about that. It's been 3 days. The same friend said she spoke to my ex on day 1 of no contact. Asked her if things were fixable in her mind. She said 'I dunno'. From somebody who was so sure a few days ago in her own mind that she was doing what she wanted, the glimmer of doubt seems to be arising. The same friend also told me that she posted a status at about 11pm last night saying she couldn't sleep, and had too much she was thinking about to sleep. I have done a lot for myself since NC, next week I am going to Barcelona instead of the caravan holiday that me and her were supposed to be going on, have had two really good nights with friends. I still have the tears and the hope, but it's a teeny bit easier. I can't work out if that is the hope talking, so have told this friend I don't want to hear the tidbits of her life she keeps telling me. If she wants me back, she knows where to find me, she knows what she has to do. I am a man, attracted to a woman.

 

Now here is the strange part. Last night we visited a pub, where me and my other serious LTR used to frequent. I found myself wondering about her, she hurt me too, cheated on me, has had a ridiculous life. I reached out to a mutual friend and she told me that she has turned her life around, is nothing like the old her and has really matured. I found myself intrigued. Should I make contact?

[melell]

Honestly. NC for me didn't work while people were still talking to my ex and filling me in. I had a set back not long ago because someone mentioned to me something they heard my ex was doing.

 

You need to cut contact completely, no checking up on media, tell your mutual friends not to mention her to you. Completely separate yourself. If she wants you, she will find you when she is ready. Trust me this will be MUCH easier on you.

[northdevon]

I have now said not to tell me. Nothing I hear matters, unless it comes from her. How far into NC are you? How are things?

[northdevon]

Now onto day 5 of NC. Boy its hard. The crying has stopped but the inside feeling is horrible. I keep imagining talking to her about us, her breaking no contact, what I would say if she did. I'm scared this is not as hard as it is for me, that shes not that bothered that I am not there and that I don't come up in her thoughts. I now accept my future probably wont feature her in it now, but I desperately want it to.

[FennecFox]

I'm in 3rd no contact day. My friend still has her on facebook though. Said to me that she put up a status about a hard days work. And that she and a female work colleague spoke about the guy she works with joking about them teasing him at work. I felt rubbish about that. It's been 3 days. The same friend said she spoke to my ex on day 1 of no contact. Asked her if things were fixable in her mind. She said 'I dunno'. From somebody who was so sure a few days ago in her own mind that she was doing what she wanted, the glimmer of doubt seems to be arising. The same friend also told me that she posted a status at about 11pm last night saying she couldn't sleep, and had too much she was thinking about to sleep. I have done a lot for myself since NC, next week I am going to Barcelona instead of the caravan holiday that me and her were supposed to be going on, have had two really good nights with friends. I still have the tears and the hope, but it's a teeny bit easier. I can't work out if that is the hope talking, so have told this friend I don't want to hear the tidbits of her life she keeps telling me. If she wants me back, she knows where to find me, she knows what she has to do. I am a man, attracted to a woman.

 

Now here is the strange part. Last night we visited a pub, where me and my other serious LTR used to frequent. I found myself wondering about her, she hurt me too, cheated on me, has had a ridiculous life. I reached out to a mutual friend and she told me that she has turned her life around, is nothing like the old her and has really matured. I found myself intrigued. Should I make contact?

 

You're far too raw to be making a decision about any new relationship yet. Do not go back to that woman, people don't change.