Dear Internet

[JoelT]

Hi everyone, I found this site through Google whilst searching desperately for answers post-breakup 3 days ago. I'm amazed that such a community exists, that people are so helpful and open, and I have learnt a lot from reading about what seems to be pretty much the whole spectrum of feelings that both parties could possibly go through in this difficult time. This insight has been priceless, and I thank you all.

 

So it was 3 days ago when I felt the world pulled up from under my feet. For subtle reasons I had been feeling a strange feeling a dread for at least a couple of weeks before it happened; you know, little changes in mannerisms, the calm before the storm, but chose not to entertain the negative thoughts as I knew to do so was unproductive. Instead I turned my attention inwards, and tried to identify potential problems and solutions, with intent to bolster a relationship that I figured was waning a little but had no idea was going to end so soon. I realised that I needed to be more open to new experiences (both for the sake of myself, and her), more proactive, and more involved in her life, which recently has been filled with all manner of exciting new friends, hobbies and experiences.

 

About a week ago we went for a date that I planned specially with the intention of injecting a little novelty and to spice up the routine. It went well, she seemed as happy to be with me as always, and really, made me feel that all my fears were unfounded. Nonetheless, I continued to probe my mind in hopes that I could make things better, finding out about myself and my thoughts, and the things that I knew had to change along the way. I actually think I was making good progress, until... well, this.

 

A few days after our date we texted as usual but she seemed distant in her interaction. Replies took longer than usual to arrive, were shorter and less engaged, the usual emoticons and sweet nothings were missing. Alarms went off in my head, and when she asked to cancel a date, asked to see me 3 days later instead, and said she had to talk, my heart sank as it suddenly seemed that my fears had been very real all along. I convinced her to keep to our date, knowing that the waiting those 3 days in cold and distant uncertainty would have been hell. More than that, I had so much to say to her, so much I had discovered whilst rummaging through my mind - that I loved her more than I knew was even possible!

 

When I picked her up, her face was white and when she got into the car she was almost trembling. She just gazed blankly out the window. Turning to her while driving, I saw tears filling up her eyes. A devestating sight. I just grabbed her hand and didn't say anything till we reached our destination, not wanting to lose it while I was driving.

 

When we stopped, I started pouring my heart out. I told her what I had been going through the past weeks, how troubling it was to feel like she was slipping away and not knowing what was the matter because she never brought it up and always seemed happy when we met. I told her, for the first time in our one and a half year relationship that I loved her. I told her that if there was anyone that I would want to marry, it was her. She said, "why now". She was crying.

 

You see, I had entered into this relationship with rather idealistic views (a coping mechanism left over from the end of my previous relationship a long time ago which I had a really hard time with but managed to survive). Basically I was disenchanted with the institution of marriage, and spoke in no uncertain terms about how I felt it was unnecessary, how two partners could have exactly the same bond without the legal committment, how it made for an unneccessarily long, drawn out hurdle when two people who would invariably change decided to seperate. She always agreed with me.

 

I also felt distrust in the words, "I love you", and never said them even though I felt like doing so many times (now my biggest regret). At the beginning I was just feeling things out and didn't want to be the sucker who said it first (a childish decision with terribly hurtful consequences). As time went by, even though I came to realise that this was exactly how I felt about her, perhaps by force of habit, I did not say it. I would go on about how words were poor placeholders for actual feelings and that my actions would count the most, and I believed she would have known, because I really, really gave my all (that was available to me and not tied up in neurosis) to this girl who I have known for some time now is just perfect. Apparently, it was not enough.

 

She told me she needed to be alone, that she was going through a lot and didn't want to hurt or burden me. She said she had discovered that she wanted to get married afterall, and didn't want to waste our time. This hurt me so much because I was just coming to realise that I could not imagine a future without her. She told me that she had felt me incapable of love (what?!) and that while she had loved me completely before, she did not anymore. She said she tried her best, but could not make me happy. All the while, she was crying.

 

The night went on, we talked, I tried my best to share with her all that I really felt, perhaps for the first time with such detail and candor. It is funny how differently we act when out of fear, and when we come to the point that we realise that we have nothing left to lose. I pleaded with her to reconsider, and she was obviously hurting, but she seemed completely resolved in her decision and did not budge.

 

The next day, after an entire night without sleep, after going through what seemed to be every possibility in my head and with my best friend, after crying harder than I did when close relatives actually died, I arrived the following discoveries.

 

1) Every time I spoke negatively about marriage as in illusion of security I felt a sinking feeling in my heart. I realise now that I was trying to convince myself what I did not want to be true - the sinking feeling is that which you get when you tell a lie. I was doing it to preemptively prepare myself for future disappointments (a horribly negative outlook), but I think that it actually in a way caused this one. And no, all this preparation was no help or comfort at all when it ended. It hurts all the bloody same, worse even, because I feel like I misled her. Nobody knew this and they all believed me, including myself, including her. I hurt her by being dishonest, by putting up a wall for selfish reasons of fear and self preservation when she was giving me her all. I would want nothing more than to spend my life with her.

 

2) Not saying "I love you" for pretty much the same selfish and fearful reasons of self-preservation, carried on into habit, is my biggest regret. It needlessly caused her to doubt how I felt about her, when there was absolutely no doubt in my mind. And how good it would have felt for both of us! Now those same words are like poison. I like my feet, and realising this was the equivalent of using them as a nuclear weapons test site.

 

I succumed to texting her, because I could not help but feel that her decison could have been made upon appearances (that I take full responsibility for perpetuating) and tragically, not the facts. I love her very much and I want to spend my life with her. I just felt the journey ended far too prematurely, without a chance to learn to understand each other more, to make amends for mistakes (which I was in the process of doing, but was too late), and to grow together through the difficulties that surely befall every person and every couple. It felt unfair, like a prejudged trial with a verdict decided independent of my testimony. I have to take responsibility here, and admit with much remore that I was less open than I should have been but not once did I doubt her, not once was I even close to thinking that she was anything other than the one I love and cherish so absolutely, and in fact I would and am doing everything I can to fix my deficiencies and be able to provide her with everything that I know I am capable of.

 

She seemed receptive at first, and now calmer, we were able to communicate our thoughts, I finally understood for a fact what she was thinking, and I finally was able to calmly explain to her how I really felt. She said she completely bought into my expoundings on marriage and couldn't understand why I would be afraid of telling her that I loved her when she gave me her all. She said that she figured since neither of us said that we loved each other, we must not have (she never told me she loved me either, but I knew she did, so I never worried for the most part). I told her that I had made a terrible mistake, that it just dawned on me (and it really, just did) that I had been living a lie with my belief systems, that I was sorry to hurt her in the process by having her doubt for even a second that I loved her, for having her believe that she could not make me happy when in fact I had created a situation with my beliefs rooted in fear that made it impossible to completely give myself to happiness (even though relative to any other point in my life I had been the happiest I have ever been) and that there was no doubt in my mind that I loved her. I think she got the message because she took an hour and a half to reply, but I feel our conversation, not being scarcely as long as this post, or a year and a half worth of wasted opportunity was infinitely inadequate in conveying the depth of what I feel. I am not sure what I can say anymore that doesn't result in more hurt and that is a horribly sad state when all I want to express is love.

 

She admitted to making a mistake, and said, "but it's too late now...isn't it?" I told her that it most absolutely wasn't, that I love her and I want to fix this, that I cannot make the mistake of not trying, after all the mistakes I had already made. That's where the conversation ended, and she hasn't replied since. I texted again yesterday, realised that she was now purposefully not replying, and just said, "when you're ready to talk, please let me know."

 

I don't know if she's in the process of weighing her options, or if she has already decided and is going NC to break the cycle of hurt. After the tears and the revelations, I don't think I want to try to find out. I don't think it will do any good at this point. The ball is in her court.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions, and in a way, I realise that somehow this episode was necessary for me to learn some really painful and important lessons about myself and how I was conducting my life. It hurts no doubt, but the pain is my cross to bear. I need to be a better person, for myself, and for the sake of my love for her and everyone else in my life who is affected by me. I can only hope that this doesn't have to be the end for us, because I feel I have so much more to give.

 

If I was in any position to dispense advice at all it would be this: PLEASE cherish the ones you love, and take every opportunity to make it abundantly clear. Do not give them any reason to doubt it, especially if you do not doubt it yourself. COMMUNICATE and share frequently and BE VULNERABLE. Words like "I love you", or big decisions like getting married are surely NO guarantee that things will not change and bad things will not happen, thus is life, but you give yourself the best shot possible at truly meaningful relationships that might just last a lifetime if you are lucky by choosing to seek the positive and being completely honest with yourself and other people. And even if it does blow up, it will not feel as bad having the bear the regret of wasting the opportunity like I did. Love is more about giving than receiving.

 

If anyone has made it to the end of this post, I congratulate you and thank you for your energy. If you would like to leave a message, I would be more than greatful.

 

To everyone else on here... hang in there!

[youngnlove89]

AWWWW. I'm so sorry for you, but I am more sorry for her. Because I was in the same position as she was and it was extremely hard to give up on the person that never gave into me.

 

My friend asked me the other day, "Are you going to be okay with losing him if you walk away?" I told her, "he was never mine to lose." And it's true, as much time as we spent together, he never fully gave me his heart because of his fear. I knew he loved me and he would say it once in awhile, but it wasn't something he was comfortable with. Our time spent together was perfect, how could it just end because he was afraid of something? It doesn't make sense how someone can let their fear become bigger than love.

 

His fear was the demise of our relationship. Now I have to find a way to cope with that.

 

It was nice to hear the other side, I'm sorry it was too late for you. I think people try and try and try and when they realize they can't do anything anymore, they walk away. Not because they want to, but because they have to. I still love my ex very much, but after 2.5 years of this off and on relationship, my heart couldn't bare another day. Walking away was the only option left, for my own sanity.