Elfie Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 OK, so I have been doing really well having therapy, and learning some techniques to keep me in NC with a very selfish and horrid MM. He did eventually admit he was selfish after a year though, "I know I'm selfish but I can't help it". He claimed his pawing at me and forcing my clothes off was because " I can't keep my hands off you even though we're in public in a van, or just pulled into a layby to talk and there are people about and I know you get upset and have told me over and over and over but I'm going to keep on doing it because I only want you for sex and my time is running out before the Mrs gets home or I have to get to my next job in 5 minutes and if we were together it would be different but I love 2 women and nothing is ever gonna change so you just need to get your head around it and please stop calling it sex, because it is "making love" and the 3 times we spent more than 2 hours together is still more time than I ever give my wife". This MM said all of those things to me, so once I managed NC through therapy and realising how relaxed and happier I felt not being around him or being manipulated by his poor me, I am alone every night etc, I was pleased to have made the break. Sadly he did wait once, on my steps to tell me his W is leaving, it was very sudden apparently. I offered advice on housing options and thought it strange he didn't seem gutted or upset and still kept pawing at me, but wasn't sure what to think, as I hadn't started therapy at this stage and wasn't sure in myself how I felt. But it started contact again (grr on my part) and nothing changed, then after 2 weeks he told me "we will be going on holiday, I just can't get out of it" - really??!! it was like he expected me to stick around. So i started NC again and it worked. Yay, I get stronger, I enjoy being alone again and therapy is working. I am restricted to being a bit trapped indoors when he is around, but I believe that will lessen once he gets the message. It won't - as this week he's come across to talk, shouting me over and over again when I ignore him, I rush into my home and don't go out when he's home unless his W is home, he is waiting around corners from home to try and talk (I reverse, drive off etc) but as we live opposite it is hard. Yesterday he was on my front step and said W now wants HIM to leave and does he have a chance with me? He misses and loves me, sorry for all he's done and just wants to make me happy. I say I am happy alone, I don't miss him and if he wants to leave his marriage it has to be for him, not me. He says he doesn't want her, and could we date properly once he leaves. He also said "if you see me and her out together, it isn't how it looks, I will be leaving and I hope you will be there for me." Today they set out together in their all dressed up smart and nice. "But it isn't how it looks.....":rolleyes: I want him to stay away, but cannot move (he said he'd find me if I tried to move) and I don't want to get pulled back in by emotional blackmail, as my default nature is to help and feel for someone who's on their back foot, to think the best of people despite obvious signs to everyone else I'm being played. The A was never pleasant. I am scared I owe him and he's resorting to all sorts to keep me. Could anyone advise - I know i deserve this but thoughts/opinions - is it a big trick but if he does move how do I keep him away? I've changed my phone and he doesn't do computer or text as he can't or write very well. Thank you and sorry such a long post.
fanine Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 To be honest it sounds to me like he is harassing you. So you have every right to go to the police and report it. You don't know if it will escalate.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 He's an abuser. You need to move away and not let him find out where you are. He's not stable. Seems I remember there is an issue with applying for housing? Talk to his wife, file a restraining order.
PhoenixRise Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Elfie Do you like it when he obsessively gropes at you? Do you like the way he touches you? If you don't like it, the do yourself the favor of making him stop. Have you ever told him to stop groping at you and meant it? You realize that your body belongs to you and you alone should be deciding who touches you and how they are allowed to touch you. You realize if you can't/don't control what happens to your own body you don't have a hope in hell of having any control/say over any other aspect of your life. You realize that his groping that he knows you don't like is not happening because he loves you so much. It's not happening because you just turn him on so much he can't help himself. It's not happening because he just wants to be with you so bad. It's just a show of dominance. You accepting this behavior just confirms to him that he has dominance over you. Start here. Tell him to back off. Tell him to stop groping you. Mean it. Don't be nice about it.
bentleychic Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 To be honest it sounds to me like he is harassing you. So you have every right to go to the police and report it. You don't know if it will escalate. I agree with this completely. He sounds a bit like a psycho stalker. Sorry!
Mount Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Ok, that will sound harsh. Your message seems to me, like a victim wrote the experience of being rape, but enjoyably. Plus, you asked "could anyone advise", advise what? You don't need anyone to advise, you need someone to help you move or you just move by yourself. You need action to get away with it, that is all. From what you wrote, the MM is mentally not normal, apprarently. OK, so I have been doing really well having therapy, and learning some techniques to keep me in NC with a very selfish and horrid MM. He did eventually admit he was selfish after a year though, "I know I'm selfish but I can't help it". He claimed his pawing at me and forcing my clothes off was because " I can't keep my hands off you even though we're in public in a van, or just pulled into a layby to talk and there are people about and I know you get upset and have told me over and over and over but I'm going to keep on doing it because I only want you for sex and my time is running out before the Mrs gets home or I have to get to my next job in 5 minutes and if we were together it would be different but I love 2 women and nothing is ever gonna change so you just need to get your head around it and please stop calling it sex, because it is "making love" and the 3 times we spent more than 2 hours together is still more time than I ever give my wife". This MM said all of those things to me, so once I managed NC through therapy and realising how relaxed and happier I felt not being around him or being manipulated by his poor me, I am alone every night etc, I was pleased to have made the break. Sadly he did wait once, on my steps to tell me his W is leaving, it was very sudden apparently. I offered advice on housing options and thought it strange he didn't seem gutted or upset and still kept pawing at me, but wasn't sure what to think, as I hadn't started therapy at this stage and wasn't sure in myself how I felt. But it started contact again (grr on my part) and nothing changed, then after 2 weeks he told me "we will be going on holiday, I just can't get out of it" - really??!! it was like he expected me to stick around. So i started NC again and it worked. Yay, I get stronger, I enjoy being alone again and therapy is working. I am restricted to being a bit trapped indoors when he is around, but I believe that will lessen once he gets the message. It won't - as this week he's come across to talk, shouting me over and over again when I ignore him, I rush into my home and don't go out when he's home unless his W is home, he is waiting around corners from home to try and talk (I reverse, drive off etc) but as we live opposite it is hard. Yesterday he was on my front step and said W now wants HIM to leave and does he have a chance with me? He misses and loves me, sorry for all he's done and just wants to make me happy. I say I am happy alone, I don't miss him and if he wants to leave his marriage it has to be for him, not me. He says he doesn't want her, and could we date properly once he leaves. He also said "if you see me and her out together, it isn't how it looks, I will be leaving and I hope you will be there for me." Today they set out together in their all dressed up smart and nice. "But it isn't how it looks.....":rolleyes: I want him to stay away, but cannot move (he said he'd find me if I tried to move) and I don't want to get pulled back in by emotional blackmail, as my default nature is to help and feel for someone who's on their back foot, to think the best of people despite obvious signs to everyone else I'm being played. The A was never pleasant. I am scared I owe him and he's resorting to all sorts to keep me. Could anyone advise - I know i deserve this but thoughts/opinions - is it a big trick but if he does move how do I keep him away? I've changed my phone and he doesn't do computer or text as he can't or write very well. Thank you and sorry such a long post. 1
Cocochai Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 911 if you have to. He sounds more like crazy then selfish
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 At the end of your post you said "I know I deserve this"--- oh no!! You do NOT deserve this. There is nothing you did to deserve this treatment from anyone. It sucks to be alone sometimes, it's scary and lonely. You are a very strong girl and you will make it through. This guy is no good, he is no good for you or for anyone else. You deserve to be loved. He can not provide that. You are on the right track with NC and it will get better in time as you stick to it. Its hard- it always is. you arent alone in that experience. I hope you make room in your life for a man who deserves you. You sound like a very sweet, caring girl and any man worth anything would have to be stupid not to see that. This one is a waste. Throw him away.
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