MrTurk Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) I often wonder how many people on here....that have dating/relationship problems....have underlying issues that keep them from making it work. Either issues that they know they have, yet they dont disclose.....or issues they dont even realize they themselves exhibit. I have never been professionally diagnosed with it....but I think I can safely say I have Asperger's. When I was younger....I never had relationship problems with women I dated. I do know for a fact that I probably missed out on some no strings sex.....due to my lack of picking up on "social cues"....but thats no big deal. I still had plenty of sex with women I dated. I think maybe since women found me cute....they overlooked any awkwardness they may have picked up on. I think its causing more problems now though....since I'm older...and dealing with many jaded/hurt/used women in their late 30s early 40s.....I'm lacking the social connection....that they need to feel comfortable to date a guy. Other guys are able to tell them what they want to hear....able to sympathize and make it all sound OK. I dont know how to do anything except be myself, be honest, and be straightforward. It's literally impossible for me to embellish myself, or even a story I tell. Everything for me is black and white....concrete. . Edited August 23, 2013 by MrTurk
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I will admit with no reservations that I have underlying issues. I've been spewing them all around LS for a couple months. That's why I'm here- to try to figure out exactly what they are, gain clarity and understanding---so I can improve. What exactly makes you think you have Aspergers? That wouldn't have been my first guess. I'm not being rude or trying to insinuate anything. I'm just surprised by your self diagnosis. I've never been clinically diagnosed with anything except ADD. Ive been to more tgan one psychiatrist, and more than one therapist .I even go to a support group now (which I secretly hate). I don't know if I even believe I have ADHD. Whatever. A part of me feels like the whole DSM book is a crock of ****. Nothing in it accurately describes what is "wrong" with me. But ummmm... Im far from the poster child for mental health. But if I get an attitude about the inadequacy of the DSM- I'm automatically a narcissist or a paranoid schitzo. So who knows. 1
Author MrTurk Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 (edited) What exactly makes you think you have Aspergers? That wouldn't have been my first guess. I'm not being rude or trying to insinuate anything. I'm just surprised by your self diagnosis. I definitely got something Many of my traits mirror the actions of people with Aspergers. -Lack of social cues -Lack empathy at times -Voicing opinions(Speaking bluntly without proper social etiquette) -Not understand why people mix words A good way to describe it....is that I feel like a computer at times. I make decisions and go through my day without all the emotion and drama that other people have. If someone tells me half heartedly we should get together next weekend, and grab a beer. I take their word for it. I hold people to what they say. Exactly what they say. And this causes issues.....because many many people just spew things out of their mouth, and half of the time they dont even remember they said it. So when the weekend comes, and they renig on their plans....it makes me feel bad or unwanted. I also have an uncanny memory of conversations. If I am dating you especially. And if we have an argument, or a disagreement of some sort....I can recall exactly what you said, how you said it, and the tone of your voice 6 months later....like I'm playing back a recording. I've found women do not like that very much since men tend to be the "forgetful" ones....and women love to bring up old stuff. Its not so fun when they realize they met their match lol. My ex-wife was not a fan of my great memory . Edited August 24, 2013 by MrTurk
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 If that is your description of Aspergers- then I definitely have it too I don't think that's what you have. Maybe - I can't diagnose anyone because I'm not qualified, but I think you are just smart with a good memory, and have low tolerance for crap because you expect people to share your values and beliefs, and when they don't--it is very frustrating. I am right there with you- I expect people to do what they say they are going to do, and flaky, fake, or manipulative people irritate the hell out of me All that being said- you always have a choice on how you react to people, and who you spend time with. Expecting people to be smart, authentic and caring is a waste of time. You can't teach people to treat you well by using anger or disgust as a strategy. It's also a good way to get health problems if you let people's asinine behavior get to you. Dont get mad. Just get away from them. Best thing to do is be able to identify your beliefs and your values, and spend time with people who can articulate theirs and who are a good match. Have healthy boundaries that are neither too rigid nor too flexible. And don't waste time with people who are flaky, insecure, and refuse to take accountability for their mistakes. Then let the rest go... If you are spending (wasting) time with people who suck- the opportunity cost is that you won't meet people who are awesome. That's logical- use the computer brain to figure that one out push forward and challenge yourself. If anyone has had to learn that lesson recently, in a very unfortunate way- it's me. So I'm not preaching, I'm just sharing some things I am learning- (I mean finally getting through my stubborn head) 1
Author MrTurk Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 If you are spending (wasting) time with people who suck- the opportunity cost is that you won't meet people who are awesome. That's logical- use the computer brain to figure that one out push forward and challenge yourself. The problem is I rarely spend time with anyone. When you are in your 40's, have Asperger like traits, and are probably an introvert....you can pretty much forget about making new friends Maybe someone on this board can tell me to go to a meet-up site for the 100th time....thinking that since it works for them in a large metro area....it must automatically work for everyone else, regardless of where they live. .
Woggle Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I have tons of issues and I still manage to be married and dated a lot. To be honest I don't know what women see in me. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I hide my issues very well, but I definitely have them. There is a reason I think I am so lucky with my mister. Due to past experiences, I suffer from abandonment. It makes me needy, clingy, and generally I need a lot more reassurance from who I am with. The great thing about it though, is that it doesn't really happen until love comes into the picture. Since that hasn't happened that often, I have never truly opened up to someone regarding the issues my past have caused me. Not until now. With my ex I always hid it, the way that marriage ended is another huge reason why I struggle with it. Living a life never feeling wanted and fending for ones self can put a lot of pressure on a man who is in a relationship with that person. It isn't even jealousy, as some have perceived it that way, it is the idea of losing someone I love and realizing that I will never be unconditionally loved or wanted by anyone. Thank god for my boyfriend though, honestly... I am so lucky to have him. I believe our success comes from me being honest and up front from the get go. I don't deal with sharing very well, and I need to come first when it comes to serious relationships. I am lucky in that I found a man who it came naturally to. Dating was never hard, but I put on a pretty good front. It isn't until you break me out of my shell and I feel comfortable enough to show my vulnerability that you get to see the issues for yourself. I like to think we all struggle with something though.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 The problem is I rarely spend time with anyone. When you are in your 40's, have Asperger like traits, and are probably an introvert....you can pretty much forget about making new friends Maybe someone on this board can tell me to go to a meet-up site for the 100th time....thinking that since it works for them in a large metro area....it must automatically work for everyone else, regardless of where they live. . Living in a smaller town is a challenge for sure. I live in southeast Florida near Miami- not a small town by any means but it is the capital of plastic surgery, sugar daddies and the flakiest, fakest most superficial people you will ever meet. I can only imagine Hollywood CA being worse. Maybe the Jersey Shore. There are men here in their 40's all hopped up on steriods that think they are on an eternal spring break hitting on 20 year old models and throwing money around and just being total douchebags. I just don't even bother with anyone in that mindset, period. Vomit Men in that age range are in my target market when I decide to start dating again since I'm mid 30's. so what? I don't want any of those idiots. I'm sure if I look hard enough there is at least one guy around here that doesn't act like a toolbag. There are still cool people here despite all that. It's just not easy to find them- point is its not easy to find cool people anywhere. don't give up. Opportunity cost of bitterness is very high.
Recommended Posts