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My husband cheated with the same woman for 10 months, found out she is pregnant!!!!!

tanai

By tanai
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tanai New Member

tanai

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Im new to posting on forums but I need to vent and maybe find some clarity.. maybe even hope. My husband met the OW at work and started out as friends last summer. I found out that he cheated on me last aug and he said we would go to counseling and wanted to try to feel "in love with me" again. Clearly he is the best actor ive ever met. Fast forward to Jan.. we had been TTC our first child and was diagnosed with fertility problems. During this time my husband was so supportive, held my hand and I felt our marriage had really made a turn for the best. I had a miscarriage in may and was just happy i was able to conceive at all. June i could tell that my husband was starting to be distant again. Fast forward again to now... I find out that my husband was cheating on me the entire time we were in counseling and TTC and to put the cherry on top her job transferred her across the country at the end of may just for her to call my husband and tell him she is pregnant. I found out yesterday that she is 15 wks pregnant with a little girl. My husband plans on being there for the child as much as possible since we live so far away and says the child is innocent and he wants the child to know he is the dad and cares about her. This puts her getting pregnant at the same time I did but I lost mine.. that doesn't seem fair to me. I dont even know where my husband stands at wanting to save our marriage. Im not to hopeful since he asked for a divorce after he found out about the baby bc he hoped i would go away and never have to know/get hurt. Too late! We have been married 6 yrs and no children together. The OW is going to have his first child, that is supposed to be me. NOT her. I know everybody thinks I should just leave and move on with my life so please no harsh words. My husband is responsible for this mess just like the OW is as well. I still cant help but think I want to try and make this work, but i also don't know if I can live with the OW and his D being an everyday reminder of his betrayal. My husband will have to be a father from a distance since there is no way to live near the child or OW because of his job. Any insight to being in my position and it actually working out, reconciling and being able to successfully integrate the OW and child into my life?? I love my husband very much (I know he doesn't deserve it) and I stand by my vows (even though he didn't). Im open to advice, but this is very fresh for me so don't beat me down with your words pls. Sorry this is so long :confused:

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted

tanai I am so sorry you find yourself in this spot. Infidelity is hard enough to get through let alone an OC (other child). I hope you are in some form of counseling for yourself. Try to take care of yourself first and figure out the rest as it comes. You will find your feelings changing many times during Reconciliation. It is not easy at all. I know of another site that has a thread specifically for this issue (OC), but I cannot post that here. Keep posting, but I highly suggest counseling, you are grieving the M you thought you had, the baby you lost and your WH's baby with someone else. Bigs hugs my dear!!!

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

What exactly are you staying for, because you love him? Cut your losses and move on.

  • Like 2
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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I love my husband very much (I know he doesn't deserve it) and I stand by my vows (even though he didn't).

 

I'd say he did a good job of tearing up his husband card and therefor you can be released from your vows without prejudice.

 

Nowhere in any vows or any contracts does it ever say anything about having to tolerate being completely defrauded and mistreated.

 

You say you love him now but that is because you still have fresh memories of when the times were good and this terrible betrayal is still new and hasn't fully sunk in yet.

 

In time the pain and torment that you will experience because of him will cause your love to erode and fade away. That love will soon be replaced by discust, and contempt and disdain.

 

I'm afraid there isn't anything we can say here that will change his character or change what you are going through :-(

 

I am sorry this is happening to you :-(

  • Like 1
It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

Posted
Posted

I am do very sorry. Your situation is heartbreaking. I think you have a lot of thinking to do. Infidelity itself is very very hard to heal from...even when you are able to eliminate the AP from your lives. You will never be able to do that.

 

You did not say if your husband wants to reconcile. You said he asked for a divorce and did not want you to know of the child but not if he wants to remain married.

 

Why did the OW move away?

 

Assuming she is actually pregnant, and assuming that your husband is the father (both of which needs to be validated with genetic test) you realize that it means that for the rest of your life you will be connected to the woman your husband had the affair with?

 

You will have financially to suffer financial reduction because he will have to support the child, fly to visit, stay in hotels or with the OW. Medical bills etc. and if you ever have children of your own, their support comes second to his first child...forever.

 

You know that you will also have to live with his happiness about the child, throughout the pregnancy and be there for the birth.

 

His family will develop relationships with the child and the OW and any child you have will be a sibling.

 

 

 

Have you had STD testing? You need to check because your difficulty with pregnancy could be due to your husband having unprotected sex with multiple partners.

 

If you can stomach that...the child is an innocent, and so are you.

 

Under what circumstances would you be able to move past it? And what would your husband have to do to help you, and is he even willing?

 

Are you in therapy? I hope so...this is one of the worst situations that are caused by infidelity.

  • Like 2
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted

Forgiving infidelity once is one thing. I'm going to assume your first Dday and attempt at reconciliation wasn't a picnic. He saw that, kept up his affair, and got his OW pregnant. You do not have children with this man. I'm sorry you don't want to hear this but you need to walk. Actually, you need to run and your only questions should be how far and how fast.

 

My sympathies for your terrible plight. Trying to heal from infidelity and a subsequent divorce (my spouse also kept lying during our reconciliation) is awful but staying will make you a volunteer. Cut your losses and start your second life with a man that deserves you.

  • Like 2
Betterthanthis13 Established Member

Betterthanthis13

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I am so incredibly sorry for your pain. One of my best friends and her H have been having TC and been on fertility treatment cycle 4 times in 5 years and they are nearing the end of hope. I'm familiar with the process, it sounds excruciating even in the best of circumstances.

 

If you were my friend and it was her H that did all this I'd lose my mind. I can't even imagine. I'd want to kill him after she killed him. I don't think it's possible to kill somebody twice but I would damn sure want to try.

 

But all that is my imagination ONLY and neirher her nor I would *actually* kill him. That being said- hopefully nobody is killing anybody in your situation either---and as unfair, unjust, not your fault and totally unfixable and rotten as your current situation is, it is yours to deal with. I am so very sorry.

 

In my opinion, the best thing you can tell yourself is: He's having a baby with an AP and your marriage is over. Keep telling yourself that until it sticks in your brain- no matter how long it takes--and you gather the courage to do something about it. Hopefully sooner than later.

 

If you can't work towards feeling that way right now, at least consider it. I'm sure he is a nice guy and loves you and was confused and having a hard time with fertility and blah blah blah.... And it is totally unfair--- so ridiculously unfair.

 

Unfair doesnt mean anything- life isn't fair. You just got dealt a hand that is unbelievably unfair. There is nothing you, nor I, nor anyone else can do to restore any sort of justice to the situation. The only thing you can do is try, day by day, to pick up the pieces and move on. There's no comfort in that. I'm so sorry. Hug from me to you.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? Are your friends and family supportive?

  • Like 1
Spotme Established Member

Spotme

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I'm so very, very sorry for your losses. I've had the pain of miscarriages and the pain of betrayal but to put them together and add on the pain of this other woman's pregnancy is beyond imagining. Whatever you do, give yourself time to breathe. I feel like this kind of situation could just leave you drowning in pain and conflicting emotions. I won't tell you to stay or go, but I will tell you that you must put yourself first to survive this. So please reach out to family, friends, and a counselor. You need people who have your back while you go through this.

  • Like 1
SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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I hope no one will be harsh, we all recognize this as a very painful and difficult situation. Whatever else you do, take time for yourself and your feelings. Take care of yourself. Spend time with people who treat you right and don't lie to you. Get counseling. Let the pain out, as long as it helps. Get angry if you want to.

 

I'd stay away from H and absolutely no physical contact with him. Give yourself a bit of time to catch your breath and then I'm sorry to say, the marriage has nothing more for you. Even if you decide to stay, it's likely (close to certain) actually that he will never be a faithful husband to you. So just know that, own it as the reality surrounding you, accept it, breathe. And yes, the time will come to move on, just catch your breath first.

  • Like 1
rumbleseat Established Member

rumbleseat

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Posted

I know you hope someone will be able to give you some advice on how to make this situation okay, but the truth is that no one can.

 

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd set a goal of getting to a place where I felt strong enough to leave and be on my own. Let him sort out his life without you in it. You sound like you have the rest of your life ahead of you, and while it may be excruciatingly painful, the short term pain of walking away will be far easier to bear that the long term slow death of your heart and should that you'll get from staying and dealing with this.

 

Right now, he's being incredibly manipulative. The whole "I asked for a divorce so you wouldn't be hurt" line makes mo sense. If he really wanted a divorce, he could get one no matter what you said, but notice how he isn't? He's carefully chosen words that make him look like a martyr but also make you feel guilty. He wants you to stay, but it doesn't sound like it's out of love, at least not the unselfish, caring kind of love that you so deserve.

  • Like 1
ChooseTruth Established Member

ChooseTruth

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I'm sorry you didn't find out sooner before it came to this :( Really seems impossible now. What if you DO get pregnant and he does it again? How are you going to heal with him coparenting with OW all the time? Most people can't even handle their spouse being being in contact at all with the affair partner.

velvette Established Member

velvette

Posted
Posted

I'm very sorry you're going through all this.

 

Your H is incredibly selfish and cruel. Is that the type of person you want to be married to and have as the father of your children?

 

I know you love him and I'm sure he has good qualities, but what could possibly offset the way he's treated you for the past year?

 

For all you know, he is still actively carrying on this A.

 

Protect yourself from his lies and whatever crap he's coming up with to "protect" you.

 

The only possible way to reconcile a M is with total honesty, love and a desire on both peoples parts to create the M that you both want. He hasn't been honest, doesn't know if he loves you and is unilaterally deciding how to handle the OC.

 

You don't have to decide today; but at least cover all your bases and see an attorney. You will feel better if you take steps to take care of yourself and know that you are making decisions from a position of strength rather than just letting your emotions carry you where they will.

fanine Established Member

fanine

Posted
Posted

I would say you need time to think. Time away from him. Have you family or friends you can stay with nearby so you can carry on your normal life but not under the same roof?

 

I have not been in your position. I was with a MM though who said he was separated. He was not. He had told me once that during his marriage he had got another woman pregnant on a drunken one night stand. I later found he had had an affair with this woman for 2 years, before meeting me. They had in fact broken up just a couple of months before he met me. Then when he was with me, his OW, though I did not know I was that, he got another woman pregnant.....it was not a nice feeling when I found out. I had also had a miscarriage about a month after he got that woman pregnant. These are actions,of very selfish and reckless men.

 

It doesn't sound like your H is particularly remorseful about the whole situation. In the end it is up to you what you want to do, and you only know the full dynamics, but if you can, get some space. Good luck x

ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

tanai, Before I even get to how sorry I am to hear your story... WHO DO YOU HAVE, RIGHT NOW, WHO YOU CAN LEAN ON??!?

You Absolutely need to create your army of support!!! I'm not saying shout news of your H's A to the entire world, but DEFINITELY tell those who will rally around you.

These people will be your strength, your common sense, your claity, your defenders, your protectors. You may not feel you need these things but You DO!!!

 

Now, I am Sooooo. Heartbroken for you!! I can't help but feel like kidnapping you from your entire world until you gain perspective to deal w/this.

I'm so sorry***!

  • Like 5
Ladydrib Established Member

Ladydrib

Posted
Posted
Im new to posting on forums but I need to vent and maybe find some clarity.. maybe even hope. My husband met the OW at work and started out as friends last summer. I found out that he cheated on me last aug and he said we would go to counseling and wanted to try to feel "in love with me" again. Clearly he is the best actor ive ever met. Fast forward to Jan.. we had been TTC our first child and was diagnosed with fertility problems. During this time my husband was so supportive, held my hand and I felt our marriage had really made a turn for the best. I had a miscarriage in may and was just happy i was able to conceive at all. June i could tell that my husband was starting to be distant again. Fast forward again to now... I find out that my husband was cheating on me the entire time we were in counseling and TTC and to put the cherry on top her job transferred her across the country at the end of may just for her to call my husband and tell him she is pregnant. I found out yesterday that she is 15 wks pregnant with a little girl. My husband plans on being there for the child as much as possible since we live so far away and says the child is innocent and he wants the child to know he is the dad and cares about her. This puts her getting pregnant at the same time I did but I lost mine.. that doesn't seem fair to me. I dont even know where my husband stands at wanting to save our marriage. Im not to hopeful since he asked for a divorce after he found out about the baby bc he hoped i would go away and never have to know/get hurt. Too late! We have been married 6 yrs and no children together. The OW is going to have his first child, that is supposed to be me. NOT her. I know everybody thinks I should just leave and move on with my life so please no harsh words. My husband is responsible for this mess just like the OW is as well. I still cant help but think I want to try and make this work, but i also don't know if I can live with the OW and his D being an everyday reminder of his betrayal. My husband will have to be a father from a distance since there is no way to live near the child or OW because of his job. Any insight to being in my position and it actually working out, reconciling and being able to successfully integrate the OW and child into my life?? I love my husband very much (I know he doesn't deserve it) and I stand by my vows (even though he didn't). Im open to advice, but this is very fresh for me so don't beat me down with your words pls. Sorry this is so long :confused:

 

Hell no! Leave him! I understand love and understand those who want to reconcile and sometimes that is the best option. In your case? No. The best option is to leave. You have no attachments (kids) you've only been married six years (blink of an eye in the span of a life). I know you love him a lot if you are considering staying. But listen to what you are saying. You know that if you did stay that you are signing up to essentially be his OW since his priorities are shifting to this baby and other woman. Even if he did stay married to you - he will always have a relationship with her. None of this is okay. And you have nothing but love binding you. Get out! You will eventually stop loving him and eventually meet someone who deserves your love! Think about this too - there's a good chance he will leave you. If you leave him you will be hurt badly but you will leave on your terms and with some dignity in tact.

 

I think this particular situation is one where reconciliation should not even be considered.

 

Love yourself. Get out.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
Im new to posting on forums but I need to vent and maybe find some clarity.. maybe even hope. My husband met the OW at work and started out as friends last summer. I found out that he cheated on me last aug and he said we would go to counseling and wanted to try to feel "in love with me" again. Clearly he is the best actor ive ever met. Fast forward to Jan.. we had been TTC our first child and was diagnosed with fertility problems. During this time my husband was so supportive, held my hand and I felt our marriage had really made a turn for the best. I had a miscarriage in may and was just happy i was able to conceive at all. June i could tell that my husband was starting to be distant again. Fast forward again to now... I find out that my husband was cheating on me the entire time we were in counseling and TTC and to put the cherry on top her job transferred her across the country at the end of may just for her to call my husband and tell him she is pregnant. I found out yesterday that she is 15 wks pregnant with a little girl. My husband plans on being there for the child as much as possible since we live so far away and says the child is innocent and he wants the child to know he is the dad and cares about her. This puts her getting pregnant at the same time I did but I lost mine.. that doesn't seem fair to me. I dont even know where my husband stands at wanting to save our marriage. Im not to hopeful since he asked for a divorce after he found out about the baby bc he hoped i would go away and never have to know/get hurt. Too late! We have been married 6 yrs and no children together. The OW is going to have his first child, that is supposed to be me. NOT her. I know everybody thinks I should just leave and move on with my life so please no harsh words. My husband is responsible for this mess just like the OW is as well. I still cant help but think I want to try and make this work, but i also don't know if I can live with the OW and his D being an everyday reminder of his betrayal. My husband will have to be a father from a distance since there is no way to live near the child or OW because of his job. Any insight to being in my position and it actually working out, reconciling and being able to successfully integrate the OW and child into my life?? I love my husband very much (I know he doesn't deserve it) and I stand by my vows (even though he didn't). Im open to advice, but this is very fresh for me so don't beat me down with your words pls. Sorry this is so long :confused:

 

I'm so sorry for your pain and what he has put you through. I have to agree with others who have told you to leave. He already wanted to divorce you, told you he would try to feel in love with you again, told you he will be there for their baby. It appears that he is in love with this other woman and when he sees the baby and spends time with them he may want to divorce and be with them. I just don't see it working because your husband doesn't seem like he wants to be there. I'm so sorry.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Tanai are you there??

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

I know my strengths and weaknesses very well.

 

A child with the OW would have been a deal breaker for me.

 

I adore children, but to have that woman in constant contact would have been more than even I could bear and I am one of the strongest people I know.

 

You have the right to decide NOT to decide anything right now. take it one day at a time and try to sort through all the issues that will be in your future depending on what you decide to do.

 

I wish you peace and healing.

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tanai New Member

tanai

Posted
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Thank you all for the support here and even the advice. For the questions about how my H feels about the M... i am not sure. I have not talked to him for 3 days since he is out of town. As for me having support around me; unfortunately my H job has moved us very far from my family and dont really trust anyone close to me with this information. I have confided in my mom because she was in a similar situation and things did work out for her. I am going to counseling and have been for a few months now. As I am sitting here its sad to say that I still dont know what I want to do. I go back and forth between just walking away and wanting to make this work. I feel like that is pathetic. I know to reconcile my H has to want the M that I do and want to work at this 100%. My H will not be in this OC life the way it should be due to his job and locations. I feel sorry for the OC bc although she will know my H is her dad he will come and go and will not have a consistent relationship with him. I have thought to myself over and over if he is wanting to be with the OW and right now I cant believe anything my H says, there is NO trust their and any time we do talk I think its all lies. My H comes home tuesday night and we will start to hash out the details of where we go from here. I know I have no ties to this man and could walk away and start fresh. There is so much fear surrounding that scenario as well as the scenario where I stay with him. I am so angry with him, and the OW for dramatically changing my life like this and sometimes I do think the only way to take back my power is to just walk away... but that is much easier said than done... much easier said than done. I am so devastated by all of this, I feel broken, bitter and I dont have much support (my fam is very judgmental). I pray for the strength every day to do what God wants me to do (leave or stay) but at the same time this child is a blessing from God... why does she get to have the blessing? Why is she being blessed when she committed adultery with my H? As you can see I am so torn......

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

 

I feel sorry for the OC bc although she will know my H is her dad he will

come and go and will not have a consistent relationship with him.

 

The truth is you don't know how your husband will respond until the child is born and he sees her face. You've said before he plans to see her often. If you leave him can you go stay with your family since you don't like where you are living now?

rumbleseat Established Member

rumbleseat

Posted
Posted

There are some things in life that you will never be able to understand. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to-hard as it may be, better to accept that.

 

I do commend you for not placing the blame for any of this on the child. Like you, he or she didn't ask for any if this. The blame for that lies squarely on the shoulders of the two adults who knew better but went ahead anyway.

 

I know it's so hard to know what to do. You need to sort out what is best for you, and not worry about anyone else right now. It sounds like your husband doesn't have it in him to be faithful to you. Do you want to live the rest of your life tied to a man like that?

It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

Posted
Posted

Do you have a pastor or someone to talk to?

 

A previous poster said, and I agree, that your marriage contract was invalidated by this serious violation and this situation.

 

Getting divorced would be terrible. It would.

 

But staying will be terrible too. Forever.

 

You have to think about it, but the short term pain results in a fesh start.

 

A Fresh start for you. Maybe move back home if you want, move somewhere else. The world is your oyster.

 

I am so sorry

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tanai New Member

tanai

Posted
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The OW moved away because her job transferred her. She is indeed pregnant though. My H is sure its his but told her he didnt want to see any sonogram pics. (this is what he tells me... not sure if true of course). He will not be there for the birth and will not be able to see the child until she is 4 months old (this is true and is a result of the OW not wanting to risk losing her job, she is changing jobs completely next summer so that my H will be able to be a part of the childs life, if she does not change jobs my H will have to stay away from her forever)

 

My H is out of town with family and we have not discussed if he wants to stay married now that I know. That is a conversation we needed to have face to face.

 

I have thought about the financial strain this would put on me IF I stay. The fact that this OW would be a part of my life forever and so would the OC. I worry about my H forming a bond with the OW because she is the mother of his child. I think about sending her money every month knowing it should be going to my household and that makes me angry.

 

I have so much fear and sadness about leaving my M. My H and I have been together for 11 yrs (M for 6) and to walk away from all that we have built together, the memories, the love i still have for him is so difficult. I know I should just cut him lose and let him deal with his problems alone but I cant get myself to actually leave. I hate this.. im crushed.

 

Under what circumstances could i get past this? I have no idea.. and Would my H be willing to help? i have no idea.. we arent currently speaking

  • Author
tanai New Member

tanai

Posted
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stillafool you are right I dont know how my H is going to react until he sees the child and if anything he will fall in love with that child immediately... my H said he didnt want a child like this and that he isnt ready to be a father but I know he will love this child no matter what. What i meant by not having a constant life with him is that while he has the job he has he will never live in the same state as the OW/OC and will be limited in the amount of time he can take off to see this child.

 

As far as having a pastor to talk to.. NO i have been going to church regularly but the church I attend is HUGE and the pastor doesnt seem very accessible.

 

If I leave I will have no choice but to go live with family, and that brings me fear and anxiety too. My family is full of drama and they are very judgmental. When I left for college I never wanted to move back home so I did all I could to get a job and get on my own two feet and shortly after I actually got married. I do not even open up to my family about things i go through bc they are not understanding.

It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

Posted
Posted
The OW moved away because her job transferred her. She is indeed pregnant though. My H is sure its his but told her he didnt want to see any sonogram pics. (this is what he tells me... not sure if true of course). He will not be there for the birth and will not be able to see the child until she is 4 months old (this is true and is a result of the OW not wanting to risk losing her job, she is changing jobs completely next summer so that my H will be able to be a part of the childs life, if she does not change jobs my H will have to stay away from her forever)

 

My H is out of town with family and we have not discussed if he wants to stay married now that I know. That is a conversation we needed to have face to face.

 

I have thought about the financial strain this would put on me IF I stay. The fact that this OW would be a part of my life forever and so would the OC. I worry about my H forming a bond with the OW because she is the mother of his child. I think about sending her money every month knowing it should be going to my household and that makes me angry.

 

I have so much fear and sadness about leaving my M. My H and I have been together for 11 yrs (M for 6) and to walk away from all that we have built together, the memories, the love i still have for him is so difficult. I know I should just cut him lose and let him deal with his problems alone but I cant get myself to actually leave. I hate this.. im crushed.

 

Under what circumstances could i get past this? I have no idea.. and Would my H be willing to help? i have no idea.. we arent currently speaking

 

I understand that you still have love for him. Of course you do. Love and anger can exist together.

 

But your husband is an unapologetic repeat cheater with this woman. Who will now be the mother of his child.

 

I don't want to hurt you, but the reality of that is that chances of this being anything other than continued pain for you are slim to none.

 

Their jobs..are that...people move, or change jobs all the time. If the job was such a concern they would not have been able to have the affair repeatedly. Even if it is against the rules, they don't seem to care too much. What happens if/when they get caught and both lose their jobs and you are paying support for the consequences of the affair?

 

There is another forum on surviving infidelity that has a whole thread about OC and maybe they can help you decide. I used to read it sometimes but it is so sad I stopped.

 

Make sure you are taking care of yourself

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