johtull22 Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 I've been married for almost 3 years now. I dated my wife for an extended period of time 10 years. I am 28 and she is 26, up until recently I thought everything was going ok. She came to me and told me she wasnt attracted to me anymore. She says she loves me as a friend.... But nothing more and says she is angry at me. She says I treated her bad.. stopped doing the little things that made her lust for me like holding open the door, rubbing her back, picking up the house once in a while. We are going to counseling to see if maybe everything can be worked out and she can sort through her feelings and see if she can love me again? Is there any hope??? I might add that she started talking to a mutual friend through email and met him out once because she said he listened to her and she did note that she was attracted to him... is my marriage doomed? can this work? Please help I am lost....,
Joyce Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 yes it can work out but you both have to be committed to making it work. She has told you why she feels this way. You have a chance to change and do the things that you used to do. I told my husband similar things like this before and he ignored them which lead to bigger problems. Counseling is a great idea. Sadly every marriage goes through hard times. It will take a lot of work and it will work if you are both willing to put in the extra effort. In my opinion her talking to a mutual friend... is it a male? Bad idea. Especially with your wife feeling the way she is. I am not trying to scare you but that's how my affair started. My h was never home and he was not there for me emotionally. A mutual friend started to email me and things progressed from there.
Author johtull22 Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 Joyce, thanks for the reply. The friend was a male and she lied to me about going out and meeting him at a bar. She said they didn't do anything and being a man... I found his cell number and called him and asked him to be honest with me. All she did was talk to him about our problems. I felt like a pile of crap and still do, but am 100 percent willing to forgive. I don't blame myself for all of this... I blame us both because it was her lack of communication and not telling me I hurt her feelings or made her angry. If she would of told me I know in my heart I could of changed/will change for the better. It just hurts to think that the outcome might be one that has her not in my life.
Joyce Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 Does she still talk to this friend? I am sorry to be so negative but I have been in her shoes... I hope she is not. Has she said she wants to try to make things work?
Author johtull22 Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 She is not talking to him anymore. She feels bad for what she did.. she admitted that it was stupid for her to do. She also said that she wants to try and makes things work, but just wants to be happy... its the just wants to be happy that leads me to think that she really wants out completely... without trying.
Joyce Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 It sounds like she wants to work on things. It's good that she is willing to try counseling and it's very good that she has stopped contact with this other man. All you really can do is show her as much love and affection as you can. Make her feel like she is the number one person in your life. Give it 100%. If you do all that and she still pulls away from you emotionally then I would probably worry more. Do you feel the same she does about the relationship? If so tell her what you would like her to work on. Don't forget about yourself.
SoleMate Posted November 11, 2004 Posted November 11, 2004 Please see http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It explains how you both need to learn about and meet each other's most important emotional needs to keep your love alive. You're lucky...she came and talked to you before things got too bad, and you listened to her. So I think you both have a good chance to put this back together. Are you guilty of a "man's approach" to your most important relationship? In other words, once she says "I do", that means "you no longer have to"? I.e. do all the things that made her fall in love with you early on. A happy, lasting marriage takes thought and effort. The payoff is terrific. Good luck.
Moose Posted November 11, 2004 Posted November 11, 2004 You've only been married for 2 years. I know you've been with her 10 years prior, but as soon as you two tied the knot, it launched a series of events and they go in order. Right now you're still in the Newly Married season, this is what is going on: Defining and agreeing on your new roles as, "husband", and "wife"-who does what? Developing a relationship with the in-laws. Learning how to get along on a daily basis. Learning how to communicate and resolve conflicts. Adjusting to differences: vallues, tastes, needs, etc. The main key in this stage is to communicate with each other. I'd set up two days out of the month and discuss with your wife the things that bother you, and in return, listen to what she has to say as well. You'll learn alot about your wife, and yourself too.
Recommended Posts