Lessons you learned from being the OW/OM and the MM/MW

[Hazyhead]

I've learnt that love shouldn't be this painful. I've learnt that love does not mean sobbing ones heart out time after time and making excuses for someone else's behaviour. I've learnt that love is about being honest, it is not about being controlled by someone. I've learnt that if I am really important to a man, he will not do anything that will risk losing me. I have learnt I should always have self respect. I've learnt love does not mean giving up ones values and believes just because the other person involved wants you to.

 

Totally agree with this! I learned the truth in the old adage, 'Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option'. I learned to walk away when every fibre in my body crazily wanted more and that I deserved better than someone I have to beg to be with me. This probably all seems hypocritical from a person who is now with their xAP but not since I changed my expectations and moved on with my life, did I see myself treated differently and prioritised by him.

 

People treat you how you let them treat you. I learned that the hard way.

[Red Wolverine]

This might seem like a silly question, but is it possible then to continue to have LC with the MM and let him go at the same time? How do I start letting go? I'm unfortunately still lovesick/got blinders on and I can't think or see the answer clearly.

 

Limited contact as a choice is pointless. By virtue of being in an affair, your contact is already limited.

 

Letting go is the real choice. It's deliberate and should be permanent. Any games with contact will ensure your self-respect goes out the window.

[tinker683]

Some that I learned from my relationship with an engaged woman for over a year

 

1) Affairs are destructive, messy, toxic things that are best to be avoided at all costs. I know there are reasons that affairs begin but I am just of the opinion that none of those reasons are worth the heartache, the slow erosion of your self esteem, and the damage done if the relationship is ever uncovered. I realize that is strictly my opinion but there it is.

 

2) Related to point 1: A healthy relationship is one that is copiloted, one in which both partners are in together 100%. An affair is inherently unbalanced, with the WS holding most of the power. I refuse to settle for anything less than that, which is why (among other reasons) I will never be involved in one ever again.

 

3) Anyone who keeps telling you that they're "too busy" isn't worth your time. If you were really that important, they would either realize they don't have the time to be in a relationship or you're just not that important to them.

 

4) Actions mean a crap load more than words. If someone isn't acting on what they're saying, they need to straighten out and fly right or get the hell out of my life pronto.

 

5) Don't settle for less than you deserve

 

6) Don't heg your bets on what a person could potentially be. Either take them for as they are or do yourself and they a favor and opt out

 

7) Don't get too hung up on how someone makes you feel. Just because you love how you feel with someone does not always mean this feeling is healthy or that the relationship is good for you.

 

I'm sure there are more but those were the core lessons I learned.

[hermione08]

The best thing I have learnt is that I was right to ditch him the first time long ago when we were a couple.

When he came back (married) 10 years + later, I had all sorts of doubts: what if I made the wrong choice, we could be married, have kids etc.

Then I realised I would be now in the same place as his wife.

 

I have also learnt that a man would say anything to get in your pants, that actions speak louder than words and that most married men are not to be trusted.

[Dog Woman]

Limited contact as a choice is pointless. By virtue of being in an affair, your contact is already limited.

 

Letting go is the real choice. It's deliberate and should be permanent. Any games with contact will ensure your self-respect goes out the window.

 

I have tried limited contact in the past and just ended up slipping back to regular contact - my ex MM could be very persuasive and talk me round into contacting him or meeting up with him. If you end an affair you need to make a complete break and go no contact.

[Dog Woman]

I have also learnt that my life is much less stressful without the affair. We both kept our affair a secret from family, friends and acquaintances and our mutual contacts. I felt like I was living a double life and now that the affair has ended I don't feel under pressure.

 

I have learnt that once you end an affair, you have to make a complete break and that you can't agree just to be good friends - the temptation to start the affair again is just too great.

 

I have also found that I can get through a day without anticipating his texts and phone calls. He used to text me on certain days and at certain times of the day. I thought this would be hard and I would be constantly checking my phone but it hasn't been as bad as I thought and I found that if I keep myself busy then I'm not waiting for his contact.

Edited August 27, 2013 by Dog Woman

[Cocochai]

I have also learnt that my life is much less stressful without the affair. We both kept our affair a secret from family, friends and acquaintances and our mutual contacts. I felt like I was living a double life and now that the affair has ended I don't feel under pressure.

 

I have learnt that once you end an affair, you have to make a complete break and that you can't agree just to be good friends - the temptation to start the affair again is just too great.

 

I have also found that I can get through a day without anticipating his texts and phone calls. He used to text me on certain days and at certain times of the day. I thought this would be hard and I would be constantly checking my phone but it hasn't been as bad as I thought and I found that if I keep myself busy then I'm not waiting for his contact.

 

I believe it's easier for the MM/MW to end an A without looking back more so then the OW/OM. The stress of hiding and cheating is gone and you don't have to worry about making sure a text/call doesn't come through at the wrong times.

[april38]

I learned that being in an A is like being addicted drugs. Whether its right or wrong, it feels good and you just can't wait until you get your next fix. But what happens is just like a drug, it slowly deteriorates your well being. It slowly causes serious or permanent damage to your emotional health, and when you finally quit life feels dull and you feel lost. And you will never move on from wanting that drug (affair) until you really really don't want it anymore. You may learn to live without it, but you're still addicted....only when the drug truly disgusts you will you ever stop wanting it.

[GettingOver]

I learned that being in an A is like being addicted drugs. Whether its right or wrong, it feels good and you just can't wait until you get your next fix. But what happens is just like a drug, it slowly deteriorates your well being. It slowly causes serious or permanent damage to your emotional health, and when you finally quit life feels dull and you feel lost. And you will never move on from wanting that drug (affair) until you really really don't want it anymore. You may learn to live without it, but you're still addicted....only when the drug truly disgusts you will you ever stop wanting it.

Agree for 100%!

[RickFox]

unfortunately I am still learning cause I'm dumber than I thought

[fanine]

I have tried limited contact in the past and just ended up slipping back to regular contact - my ex MM could be very persuasive and talk me round into contacting him or meeting up with him. If you end an affair you need to make a complete break and go no contact.

 

I used limited contact in a sense to get out of mine. I had tried NC before but he would always come back and I would stupidly give in as I would then sit around and think about him too much, spend too much time alone getting sad.

 

So what I did I just slowly stopped contacting him, left him to always contact me. I began joining up for classes to keep me more busy, took on new projects at work, made sure I contacted friends and made arrangements to go out (I never let friends down even if he suddenly became free.) Above all I was finding fun and happiness and new exciting things in other parts of my life...

 

When I did finally go NC, I was in a better place as I had new things in my life to keep me busy, that did continue. So my routine did not change as dramatically. Basically I went from having my whole life revolving around him to thinking more of myself. It made the clean break easier in the end.

[trailrunner1975]

I learned that people are not as they seem and that even with your guard up you can easily get pulled in to bad situations. Biggest part was the realization that I really didn't know the true version of my best friend of 28 years, nor the fact that our friendship would wind up dragging me down in the end like it did. I used to scoff at cheaters until I found myself in the thick of things. It opened my eyes and made me realize how razor thin the line can be sometimes. It also put me on a path to cleaning up my act so as not to go down that road again. That's the reason why I always preach harsh NC- I tried the lc and pull backs to no avail and wound up suffering longer as a result. That is one of the reasons I post here- to hopefully keep someone from making the same drawn out mistake I did. Had I known about this forum during all that, things would have been drastically different. I thought our situation was special. Turns out it wasn't.

[trailrunner1975]

Oh and the big one: never treat someone as a priortiy when the look at you as an option. I use that rule with everyone now. Works really well with friends who like to change plans at the last minute because "something better" came along. They get zero plans/help/communication from me.

[Speakingofwhich]

Some of these have been posted but am reposting because......I can!

 

1. I will only date men who are not committed to another!

 

2. I will only be in relationships that are open and transparent to those people I love and respect, and to everyone else, too!

 

3. Nothing is worth living with guilt.

 

4. I'm glad I'm not the woman who is his wife. If my plight with him was bad, hers is worse.

[Dog Woman]

I learned that being in an A is like being addicted drugs. Whether its right or wrong, it feels good and you just can't wait until you get your next fix. But what happens is just like a drug, it slowly deteriorates your well being. It slowly causes serious or permanent damage to your emotional health, and when you finally quit life feels dull and you feel lost. And you will never move on from wanting that drug (affair) until you really really don't want it anymore. You may learn to live without it, but you're still addicted....only when the drug truly disgusts you will you ever stop wanting it.

 

I have learnt that like a drug an affair has side affects and for me it has been depression and anxiety but I have only realised that since I have ended the A. Now I feel like I'm on anti depressants and everything looks brighter and I'm not living in a haze. I have more energy and feel good about myself. It is a relief to me that I ended the A.

[Dog Woman]

I have learnt over the last few days since I ended the A and went NC that it is okay to reflect on what has happened in the past and to very briefly think about your ex MM if something happens that triggers a memory of when we were seeing eachother, provided you don't dwell on things.

[Cali408]

My story, fell back into the affair. Met, had a great time, but it wasn't as great as I remembered it. Lasted 6 weeks. We both ended it about a month ago. To tell you the truth, it hasn't been that hard. She lives far away and getting divorced. I'm still married.

 

What I learned

1. I needed her love to validate me. What I thought was love for her was just my low self esteem needing validation that I was her knight in shining armor

2. We will never be together as a couple. Distance, relationships, she has a TON of baggage and is financially in a huge hole.

3. She wasn't my soulmate. There is no such thing as a soulmate. She fulfilled needs that I selfishly had that I thought I wasn't getting. Emotionally and sexually.

4. The addiction was my ego screaming for this validation. I have a great life, I need to appreciate what I have, not a fantasy. Live in the now

5. I didn't love her unconditionally. Because I wanted to be the source of her happiness. She told me the other day that she had met a guy over the weekend and after a couple hours on the phone and an all day date the next day that it was going really fast. I told her that I was happy for her, but all I could think in my head was mocking her for being such a flake. Again, ego, but still, would I really want to hitch myself to someone that emotionally flaky? Wait until he goes to the baggage claim.

6. I'm really lucky. If I got caught and thrown out for good, I would have nothing.

7. Pandora is a great radio site, but a lousy box. Don't open it.

[Cali408]

I believe it's easier for the MM/MW to end an A without looking back more so then the OW/OM. The stress of hiding and cheating is gone and you don't have to worry about making sure a text/call doesn't come through at the wrong times.

 

Or leaving email accounts up. It's a huge relief and release of a guilt trip.

[Red Wolverine]

 

7. Pandora is a great radio site, but a lousy box. Don't open it.

 

Not trying to trivialize your other points but this is CLASSIC! So true.