Lessons you learned from being the OW/OM and the MM/MW

[Cocochai]

I've been on this forum for awhile and I always read what to do once you've done the NC and moved on.

 

I wanted folks to come in and share what lesson(s) you've learned being in those types of relationships (from both sides), whether you were the MM/MW or the OW/OM.

 

What I've learned and will carry me through the next relationships is to never settle for less then what I deserve. Although I'm still in the beginning stages of NC w/ the XMM and I do have my ups and downs, I know I'll never place my heart in a dead end situation ever again.

[BruisedBNBroken]

The affair fog exists. It takes perfectly sane, strong, confident women (and men) and turns them into childish, desperate, obsessed partners. It catapults the AP onto a magical pedestal where they have no faults and are the only one person on earth that could possibly make you happy. You learn to compartmentalize, suppress guilt, and justify such insane behaviors as ignoring your friends and your kids so you can get a few stolen moments. These fantasy land qualities of affairs are crazy making.

 

And I'm only probably one quarter emerged from the fog.

[fanine]

I've learnt that love shouldn't be this painful. I've learnt that love does not mean sobbing ones heart out time after time and making excuses for someone else's behaviour. I've learnt that love is about being honest, it is not about being controlled by someone. I've learnt that if I am really important to a man, he will not do anything that will risk losing me. I have learnt I should always have self respect. I've learnt love does not mean giving up ones values and believes just because the other person involved wants you to.

[ladydesigner]

I've learnt that love shouldn't be this painful.

 

I agree and I found this to be true on both sides of the fence

[Daisy2013]

The affair fog exists. It takes perfectly sane, strong, confident women (and men) and turns them into childish, desperate, obsessed partners. It catapults the AP onto a magical pedestal where they have no faults and are the only one person on earth that could possibly make you happy. You learn to compartmentalize, suppress guilt, and justify such insane behaviors as ignoring your friends and your kids so you can get a few stolen moments. These fantasy land qualities of affairs are crazy making.

 

And I'm only probably one quarter emerged from the fog.

 

This, exactly. The only thing I would add is the heartache isn't worth it.

[Bittersweetie]

I learned that not only do I deserve 100% from a partner, I want to give 100% to that partner. Which means that there, for me, will never be more than two people in the equation.

[Red Wolverine]

My lessons...

 

*Married people need to fix their marriages or divorce. It really IS that simple.

 

*Weakness and cowardice can cause married people to seek affairs. Those factors will keep them in their marriages.

 

*Unhappy marriages can lead to unhappy affairs. Like most things, it's all happy happy happy in the beginning. Then it goes horribly wrong.

 

*If you accept excuses, you won't get the so-called prize. You get more excuses.

 

*Affair outcomes have very little to do with love. Ego, insecurities, and manipulation are the driving forces in many cases.

 

*You can do what your married AP cannot do....Make a decision. You do not have to wait on them. They won't choose to give up their spouse or you. Cake eaters develop. Not all start out that way but most end up there.

 

*NC is pointless. You'd never call the end of any other relationship as going NC or LC. LET THEM GO and move on. My xMM is no longer part of my life. It's as if he moved away or died. Over means over. Move on.

[waytogo]

The situation isn't good for anybody. Not even mm.

 

He could spend that time and energy on W to make things better. He could divorce if he had a mind to date. Yes, MP with children and differences do divorce and are available to healthy, in the open relationships.

 

Biggest lesson, never again be a part of anything that can't be spoken of openly everywhere, unless it involves something like homeland security.

[MissBee]

I'm actually happy I did this earlier in life when I didn't have as much to lose and realized it's not a situation I'd want to repeat, as I cannot fathom having not learned and trying to do it at the prime of my life.

 

I learned that: no matter how "perfect" for you someone is, if they don't come with the right circumstances, or the impetus to make it right, it's a sign you should move on, as there is no "one" but a group of "ones". No one is your last chance and if your "one" comes with a wife/gf....walk on by, as they are not your "one", simply one of your potential matches who isn't available, clearly, given the circumstance.

 

That realization helped me so much in terms of not settling. I think when you have the scarcity mentality that this married person or any person is the ONLY person you can feel a particular way about, you will do anything to hold on to them, whereas if you believe there are multiple ones and the best "one" will come with the right circumstances, you keep your standards high and find it easy to walk if it's not right.

[MissBee]

The situation isn't good for anybody. Not even mm.

 

He could spend that time and energy on W to make things better. He could divorce if he had a mind to date. Yes, MP with children and differences do divorce and are available to healthy, in the open relationships.

Biggest lesson, never again be a part of anything that can't be spoken of openly everywhere, unless it involves something like homeland security.

 

:laugh:

 

I hear that.

 

Yea my basic rule is: if my relationship is one I have to hide, justify, analyze, explain to people, need special support for, only some people understand it, "it's complicated", etc. I need not do it.

 

Life is hard as is, no need to choose a relationship which is inherently harder...for what? No thanks.

[waytogo]

:laugh:

 

I hear that.

 

Yea my basic rule is: if my relationship is one I have to hide, justify, analyze, explain to people, need special support for, only some people understand it, "it's complicated", etc. I need not do it.

 

Life is hard as is, no need to choose a relationship which is inherently harder...for what? No thanks.

 

You have some stiff competition here doll, but you are fantastic!

[dustystar]

My lessons...

 

 

*NC is pointless. You'd never call the end of any other relationship as going NC or LC. LET THEM GO and move on. My xMM is no longer part of my life. It's as if he moved away or died. Over means over. Move on.

 

This might seem like a silly question, but is it possible then to continue to have LC with the MM and let him go at the same time? How do I start letting go? I'm unfortunately still lovesick/got blinders on and I can't think or see the answer clearly.

[Lostinlife4now]

I've been on this forum for awhile and I always read what to do once you've done the NC and moved on.

 

I wanted folks to come in and share what lesson(s) you've learned being in those types of relationships (from both sides), whether you were the MM/MW or the OW/OM.

 

What I've learned and will carry me through the next relationships is to never settle for less then what I deserve. Although I'm still in the beginning stages of NC w/ the XMM and I do have my ups and downs, I know I'll never place my heart in a dead end situation ever again.

 

 

The lesson I learned is I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER EVER do it again!

 

 

Lesson Learned.....

 

Personally, I hope he is NEVER happy again...Oh well...call me a biach...yep...that's what I am......

 

And from what I hear his wife is sick...and he LOATHES sickness.

[SoleMate]

but is it possible then to continue to have LC with the MM and let him go at the same time?

 

DustyStar, best to start a new thread for this new question! Mods like to keep each thread....single threaded.

[fanine]

This might seem like a silly question, but is it possible then to continue to have LC with the MM and let him go at the same time? How do I start letting go? I'm unfortunately still lovesick/got blinders on and I can't think or see the answer clearly.

 

Just adding my thoughts if you don't post this as a new thread. I started to break away before going completely. I signed up for things like classes so I had less free time. I made sure I organised nights out with friends so I would be out if he was suddenly free. I stopped contacting him as much and just left him to contact me...that way I was able to break some of the old habits and build up a life outside of him, where I did not rely on him for all my good times.

[psm04]

I stopped contacting him as much and just left him to contact me...that way I was able to break some of the old habits and build up a life outside of him, where I did not rely on him for all my good times.

 

This is pretty much what I'm doing now.

[fanine]

This is pretty much what I'm doing now.

 

I hope it works for you. I just found it easier. The times before I had tried to go NC were dramatic and after a big argument. They never worked. I know it won't work for some gradually pulling away, but it gave me time to build myself up and create a new life in a sense that continued after he had gone.

[psm04]

I wanted folks to come in and share what lesson(s) you've learned being in those types of relationships (from both sides), whether you were the MM/MW or the OW/OM.

 

I've learned that:

 

- I'm in control of my own happiness, and I shouldn't rely on someone else to make me happy

- I don't want someone else's man, and I don't want to share myself with two men(H and MM)

- love shouldn't involve jealousy, insecurity, guilt, secrecy and other negative and selfish feelings/behaviors.

- if you truly love someone, you will be willing to let them go if that's what is best, and you will be able to respect their wishes to end things regardless of how much it kills you on the inside

- If I don't respect myself, no one else will

 

Plus plenty more other lessons. And I agree with everything that everyone else posted.

[psm04]

I hope it works for you. I just found it easier. The times before I had tried to go NC were dramatic and after a big argument. They never worked. I know it won't work for some gradually pulling away, but it gave me time to build myself up and create a new life in a sense that continued after he had gone.

 

I agree with you. Deliberate attempts at NC never worked for us. We tried it so many times. This feels natural. And I'm not moping around. This is a choice now, and not something that I must do. Last night, he got online and said hi, and I spoke with him for two minutes and then said that I have to go to bed and ended the conversation. That was a huge feat for me.

 

The amount of contact that we do have now (at work) doesn't bother me. And we don't talk about our feelings.

[cocorico]

 

I wanted folks to come in and share what lesson(s) you've learned being in those types of relationships (from both sides), whether you were the MM/MW or the OW/OM.

 

I learned that love is more than chemicals.

I learned to trust.

I learned that sometimes it's good to put yourself first.

I learned that when you find someone who really sparks a deep connection, all kinds of change becomes possible.

I learned that love leads to growth, change, happiness, and positivity.

I learned that there will always be those who are jealous, who wish you ill, who resent your happiness because of their own lack, and that ultimately you should not let their negativity drag you down, but simply wish them well on their own journey.

I learned that the most happiness for the most people becomes possible when you allow love to flourish.

I learned that we have more power than we acknowledge.

I learned that authenticity and passion matter far more than conformity or rules.

I learned that people who really love you want what is best for you, and will support your choices even if they buck the norm.

I learned that light draws light, and happy people attract other happy people.

I learned that you can't fix broken, they have to be willing to fix themselves.

I learned that happiness I'd not earned, or deserved, but brought about through our own choices. Choose what makes you happy and you will be happy.

I learned that sometimes, people can love each other enough to overcome obstacles.

[maidai]

I learnt the hard way. That even if you have an openly out there relationship with a married man who is close to divorce and has been seperated from an abusive spouse for 3 years when the chips are down they still hold the trump card. Men can mainly be silly and when faced with the chance they may need to make a new commitment they will go back to the old no matter how good what they have now is and how bad what they had was.

 

I have learnt in time they will probably regret it but by then it will be to late. I have a massive amount of self respect and once burnt will never trust that person again.

 

I have learnt whilst they drown I swim free. I continue to push forward, healthy, happy and with a new respect for life and understanding what a true relationship is.

 

I have learnt that being with someone does not necessarily make you feel happier or less alone that being on your own does. Friends, life, experiences are all what make you happy and stop you feeling lonely not someone who only part belongs to you.

 

I have learnt never ever to place myself in a situation again where I could end up being made to feel 2nd best no matter whether that was not the case during the relationship. Always always to look at the full bigger picture and the hold anyone has on those you are involved with and check that the baggage has well and truly been disposed off.

 

I have learnt that I am able to when and if I chose have a fully committed and loving trusting relationship with someone who is just as free to give me that back.

 

I have learnt for now I will stay single. I have learnt that being single is fabulous and brings so many new oppurtunites into your life and you can please yourself.

 

I have learnt I am worth everything in life and more. I have learnt to be happy.

[Dog Woman]

I learnt the hard way. That even if you have an openly out there relationship with a married man who is close to divorce and has been seperated from an abusive spouse for 3 years when the chips are down they still hold the trump card. Men can mainly be silly and when faced with the chance they may need to make a new commitment they will go back to the old no matter how good what they have now is and how bad what they had was.

 

I have learnt in time they will probably regret it but by then it will be to late. I have a massive amount of self respect and once burnt will never trust that person again.

 

I have learnt whilst they drown I swim free. I continue to push forward, healthy, happy and with a new respect for life and understanding what a true relationship is.

 

I have learnt that being with someone does not necessarily make you feel happier or less alone that being on your own does. Friends, life, experiences are all what make you happy and stop you feeling lonely not someone who only part belongs to you.

 

I have learnt never ever to place myself in a situation again where I could end up being made to feel 2nd best no matter whether that was not the case during the relationship. Always always to look at the full bigger picture and the hold anyone has on those you are involved with and check that the baggage has well and truly been disposed off.

 

I have learnt that I am able to when and if I chose have a fully committed and loving trusting relationship with someone who is just as free to give me that back.

 

I have learnt for now I will stay single. I have learnt that being single is fabulous and brings so many new oppurtunites into your life and you can please yourself.

 

I have learnt I am worth everything in life and more. I have learnt to be happy.

 

I learnt the hard way too. It's taken me 20 months to 'wake up' to the fact that the affair with my ex mm was leading to nowhere and that I have got to feel happy in some other way.

 

Although I was single, ex mm wasn't going to leave his wife. I thought the world of him and had fallen for him and I know he cared about me more than he wanted to admit - he looked out for me, gave me support, bought me presents, it wasn't just about sex. I made my decision to end the affair this weekend after he told me he was going on holiday with his wife. I finally realised that I would never get the opportunity to go on holiday with him. I have gone NC and he has said he feels it would be best if he didn't contact me either. I am happy and relieved with the choice I have made to end things and have vowed to myself never to get involved with a married man again.

 

I feel I have missed out on opportunities that I could have benefitted from while I have channelled my energy into the relationship with ex mm.

[happy stillmore]

I have learned:

• I can trust a man as much as I trusted MM. (Sadly, I learned the opposite also as I learned of his cowardice and lies.)
  
• Words mean nothing. Actions do.
  
• Living an honest life brings happiness.
  
• The meaning of an authentic life. Be true to yourself.
  
• I am stronger than I ever thought.
  
• To not settle in any aspect of life. I can have the "magic". I just have to make the magic. No one else needs to do it for me.
  
• To never even think a man in a committed relationship is an option. Duh!
  
• I deserve 100% of my man. I won't take anything less.
  
• Life is yours. You are not living if you are living only to keep peace or make others happy.
  
• I am capable of great love.
  
• Most of all, I am happy with myself. I don't need anyone for my happiness.
  

Edited August 26, 2013 by happy stillmore

[KarmaComa]

I learned to believe what I see, not words.

 

I've learned that I'm worth more than some stolen moments on the phone or text.

 

I learned that all the stolen moments were wasted time.

 

I've learned that a true relationship isn't hidden, or on their terms.

 

I learned that I'm worth so much more than some other woman's seconds.

 

I learned, that the pain can eventually become joy.

 

I'm free. and that is a wonderful thing.

 

GoD Bless you! Being the OM in a text-book BU, this what i was thinking yesterday. And today i saw my thoughts in writing!!

[ssmugg]

This might seem like a silly question, but is it possible then to continue to have LC with the MM and let him go at the same time? How do I start letting go? I'm unfortunately still lovesick/got blinders on and I can't think or see the answer clearly.

 

What does LC mean? Thanks.