Addison312 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for 2-3 months. We are very different people. I'm an introvert, laid back, and have a calm demeanor (I'm a nurse). He is intense, passionate, the artist type, and I'm feeling he is becoming too needy and demanding of me. It seems the whole relationship, our arguments are about me and what I'm doing wrong and how I'm coming up short. I care about him a lot and want to be an amazing partner for him so I'm willing to change some things about me that will make us better. For instance, I wear things I know he likes, I've improved at talking about my feelings (although it is still not easy for me), I am very affectionate and giving with him (I've upped that part more and more), but still he makes me feel as if none of it is enough. I work 3 12-hour shifts a week and see him 4-5 times a week still...all the while juggling my family, friends, extra work I'm involved in, and my errands. I am a morning person and I really start to die down around 9pm but I stay up late for him because he's up late. We spend entire 3 day long weekends together in which he stays at my place the entire time. The mostrecentargument happened yesterday. I went to stay at his place and woke up around 0730 the next morning. I quietly dressed and woke him up gently (knowing he's cranky in the morning), kissed him goodbye and told him I needed to go and that I would see him later. We had dinner plans that evening. He asked me not to go and stay another 30 minutes so he could wake up, etc. I said I should get going but, again, I'd see him later. He then became rude and it ended with me being shooed out of his room. I didn't hear from him all day and at 4:30, I cancelled our reservation and sent him a text telling him so. I also added I was upset by the way he had treated me that morning and he said he was angry as well and we would talk later. That evening I didn't invite him over. I called him and we spoke for 3 hours. He really is a debater and likes to argue points. I do not really enjoy these types of conversations and was very tired since it was nearing my bedtime. Basically, he said we see relationships in different ways. I see it as more of 2 individuals coming together and keeping the "self," and he sees it more as an enmeshed "we" type of relationship where two become one. He was getting at he doesn't think I make decisions based on us as a couple and he feels he is always the one to make sacrifices. I feel this is entirely untrue since I stay up late for him, plan my exercising/visiting family around the times whenwe will be together, skip church on Sundays to sleep in with him, and even put off friend hangouts and concerts I'd like to see just to see him. It feels like I'm sacrificing a lot! He added that doing things that he'd rather not do or make him "uncomfortable" is a way of giving something to me...which makes him happy. He says I never go out of my way to make myself uncomfortable or give to him in that way, which is what he needs in a relationship. LS, I am very considerate and caring to this man (I am naturally a nurturter.) and was wondering if anyone could give me some insight. Am I really being "selfish" in the relationship sense or is this guy too much for me to handle?
Author Addison312 Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I might add that things were perfect for the 2-3 weeks preceding this. Our last argument was him pondering if we are compatible due to our different communication styles. I tend to discuss daily happenings, light current events, friends stories and family ongoings. He likes to discuss topics and ideas. this doesn't bother me the way it does him. It seems like he finds reasons when he is alone to say we may not work out even though "he really wants it to."
Cup-of-Jo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 A relationship is a two way street. If you are the one bending your life around to fit his then something is wrong. You shouldn't have to work so hard at a new relationship. Don't skip church and any good guy would get up early and go with you. Don't put your religion on the back burner for anyone. My ex was captain of the debate team in high school and everything was a debate with him. There was no just casual talk only came at me with the opposing side to everything. It gets old real quick. Start doing your own thing and see how fast he comes to you. If he doesn't then find someone who is willing to meet you half way. Good luck to you.
Philosoraptor Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Sounds like the two of you are very much polar opposites of one another. But his constant criticism of you is quite uncalled for. My response would simply be "if I'm not good enough the way I am, then you need to find someone else". But really you should put your foot down on such behavior and let him know that you are not happy with his criticism and it is completely unacceptable. You should not have to be unhappy with, or sacrifice so much, for someone who supposedly cares about you. 1
Phantom888 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Slow down a bit. You guys are spending way too much time together for a 2-3 month relationship. Step back and consider what you enjoy about each other, and what bugs you. At this point you guys are beginning to show resentment because you each has made unusually significant sacrifices to the other. You can only do this short term, as in the long run, someone is gonna break. Just chill a bit, slow down, and try to get to know each other better before you take any drastic actions. You guys behave like you're almost married. 2
jphcbpa Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 4 to 5 days per week is a good amount of time....maybe too much. I've been dating my g/f for a year and we see each other twice per week (weekends basically). Keep finding time for yourself and loving on you. He sounds a little co-dependent. Has this always been his relationship style?
Author Addison312 Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I not sure if this the way he always is in relationships, but he tells me his longest was about 8 months. We are both 33. He relies on me to fulfill all of his needs. He doesn't nurture his friendships and none of his family members live nearby. So I tend to get all of his energy. I'm becoming exhausted. He doesn't get it.
Yookie Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Sounds like you two are not compatible. You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. 2 months in and you're already arguing often? Take a step back and try to evaluate if this is worth the pain. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. Imagine what the arguments will be like after the newness wears off. It will only get worse. I think he is right in that you guys have different approaches to relationships. The problem is that he is not accepting your differences. No one should have to change their personality for a relationship. Either accept each other the way you are or move on and find someone who's on the same page. 1
Author Addison312 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 Thanks everyone for your helpful input. It's so appreciated. I've been getting to my wit's end with his behavior and yes, I don't believe he is accepting of who I am and it seems like he constantly is asking me to change things to "make our relationship better." Last night he came over and we talked and I asked him why he is so needy and he said he can't change that. We are pretty much up in the air right now but deep inside, I know I'll end up exploding and breaking it off.
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