love2004 Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 My boyfriend of 16 months has always been very considerate of my feelings until it comes to his 2nd ex-wife. They have been divorced over 2 years. She calls his cell on occassion just to say hi (according to him). I don't think the calls are excessive, but it makes me upset as I see her number on the cell bill and he never mentions she called. Ok, maybe that is a selfish of me. He was going to a meeting in the town where she lives (which was not normal for him) I calmly asked if he was going to meet with her at the meeting. He said to me he couldn't remember the last time he talked to her and he didn't know where she lived now. Turns out that was a half answer. He knew that she moved to that town, but didn't know the street she lived on and he had spoken with her a month or so earlier so I guess he felt he was truthful. He didn't go to the meeting anyway, which he quickly pointed out when I asked him about it. I was very open and honest about my insecurities about their relationship. I thought he heard me. He said he would mention it to her and she was the type of person that would probably stop calling. Nope. Yesterday early morning she left a message on his cell that she was depressed and wanted to go to the hospital. He called on his way to work to tell me about it and I asked him to have her call someone else and that this was not good for our relationship. She was not suicidal nor in danger. He said he already committed to go and went. He took a day off from work and drove 45 minutes to take her 10 minutes from her home to the hospital. He woke up her and her teenage son (by a previous husband) when he got to her home. He even called me from her kitchen and said she was taking a shower and then they would be going to the hospital. I wanted to puke. He stayed around the hospital all day comforting her while waiting for her room to be ready as they decided to admit her for the depression. In his defense he did call me several times from the hospital to stay in contact. He finally left at 3:30 to go get his kids. This all started at 5:30 in the morning. She never asked anyone else to take her to the hospital even though her 1st ex husband (father to her teenage son) was at her house the night before. I even gave him names of hospitals that provide pick up service in her area. He would hear nothing of it. According to her she only felt comfortable having my b/f there with her. Grrrrrrr. I feel betrayed that he chose to ignore my feelings and it feels like he chose her. I was very upset. There is a feeling about her I can't quite place. I have never met her and I don't know what she looks like where I do know his other ex. Maybe that is the difference. I know they both really didn't want to divorce and they tried the "off and on" thing many times until it was apparent it wouldn't work. As he said "just too many issues". His 1st and 2nd ex wives hated each other. Interestingly the one that was hospitalized use to ride him like crazy about his 1st ex-wife calling him at work and e-mailing him. She hated it. Funny she would do the same to me. I digress... She told my b/f to leave earlier in the day, but he said he was already in trouble (meaning me) so why rush home. I deserved that one. I was cranky on the phone to say the least. He told her that he didn't know what he was in for when he got home and he committed to stay so he would. Jeesh, I couldn't get him to do something with me and my brother on Sunday because he doesn't like just hanging around. Hmmm, maybe it is the company that is the variable. When he came home (we live together) I did calmly and through lots of tears explain my concerns, my feelings of hurt and betrayal and my desire for her to get a different support system. He really didn't understand it, (he has a blindspot for this woman) but he listened and tried to not be too defensive. He even dropped his daughter off to her moms house earlier so we could have more time to talk. That was good. Am I being insensitive and overreacting. I feel bad she is hurting, but shouldn't she develop a new support system by now? He did tell her he can't keep running up there. She understood, but I really hate that she keeps calling him for with updates knowing that I am upset. She even said to thank me for letting him go up there. Can or should exs be this friendly? Should I feel threatened or do I have a self-esteem issue? I never ever speak to any of my exs. Any thoughts or new way of looking at it so I can get rid of some of this hurt?
tiki Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 I feel bad that the ex is experiencing pain and suffering in her life right now, but that's not merely your problem. In a relationship, you've got enough to deal with outside of the exes. She's an ex for a reason, they divorced for a reason...it didn't work. They need to quit talking to one another, to me, it's cheating, especially since there's no child involved. But that's my opinion. Your man needs to let her go. [color=red]And if he can't get on with his life without her, he should go back to her.[/color]
bluechocolate Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 Am I being insensitive and overreacting? I don't think so. Any thoughts or new way of looking at it so I can get rid of some of this hurt? He's the one who needs a new way of looking at this, as you say, He really didn't understand it She should most certainly be seeking support elsewhere. If there are no children involved between him & ex-wife-2 then there are few valid reasons he needs to be speaking to her at all, especially if it makes you feel this way. If I understand the timing here you starting seeing him about 4 months after his 2nd divorce - maybe it was too soon for him to get involved with someone else when he is still clearly involved with his ex-wife. I know they both really didn't want to divorce Does that mean he is still in love with this woman?
savethedrama4allama Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 Originally posted by tiki I feel bad that the ex is experiencing pain and suffering in her life right now, but that's not merely your problem. In a relationship, you've got enough to deal with outside of the exes. She's an ex for a reason, they divorced for a reason...it didn't work. They need to quit talking to one another, to me, it's cheating, especially since there's no child involved. But that's my opinion. Your man needs to let her go. [color=red]And if he can't get on with his life without her, he should go back to her.[/color] Whoa tiki. Wish I had this little kernel all prepared for my bf when our crap went down. Its perfect. My boyfriend did the hospital thing too when his ex was in a car accident. It feels crappy, love2004. I know because I've been there. Tiki is right, she is an ex for a reason. If she has other people she can count on, she should count on them instead. In the case of my boyfriend's ex she had two perfectly able parents and a sister closeby- she didn't need him. He must make a choice- he can't be running to her beck and call, especially since there is no child involved.
Author love2004 Posted November 11, 2004 Author Posted November 11, 2004 Thank you for your responses. It helped to validate that I need to feel better about myself and set the boundary a bit firmer. He had actually been divorced from wife 2 for 1 year when I met him. I thought that was a reasonable amount of time, guess not. <sigh>.
savethedrama4allama Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Originally posted by love2004 He had actually been divorced from wife 2 for 1 year when I met him. I thought that was a reasonable amount of time, guess not. <sigh>. Mine was broken up for well over a year as well. I thought the same thing as you!
Author love2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Author Posted November 12, 2004 savethedrama4yrmama , May I ask if you and the b/f are still together and if the ex continues to be an issue?
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