GreySkyMorning Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 On the other board, the BS is always talking about reclaiming things, or doing what was done with the ow/om in order to make their own memories of those things or to "take them back". I notice a definite desire in my own life to want to do that same thing. Halloween for example...that holiday is closely associated with him in my mind. During our two years, this first one, he was with me the night before Halloween and the second year, he was here on Halloween night. This year, I plan to make a new tradition for that night. I don't know what yet, but I'll find a way to make it mine again. There was a particular sexual activity that when we always broke up before, I'd promise to never do it with anyone else. Now, yes, when the opportunity arises, I will definitely indulge in that with someone else that will enjoy it with me. Other little things...we'd always tell each other to be careful. That was OUR thing. Now, I say it to friends and family every chance I get. I find myself using our pet names for each other every chance I get with other people. Theres a guy at work that I'm not involved with in any way, but I've nicknamed him "sexy man" in a joking fashion. I'll find a "crazy man" soon because that was always my name for xmm. We'd always dreamed about going fishing together. You better believe I'll go fishing with someone else as soon as the opportunity comes up. So are there things that you've reclaimed in your life? 3
fanine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 On the other board, the BS is always talking about reclaiming things, or doing what was done with the ow/om in order to make their own memories of those things or to "take them back". I notice a definite desire in my own life to want to do that same thing. Halloween for example...that holiday is closely associated with him in my mind. During our two years, this first one, he was with me the night before Halloween and the second year, he was here on Halloween night. This year, I plan to make a new tradition for that night. I don't know what yet, but I'll find a way to make it mine again. There was a particular sexual activity that when we always broke up before, I'd promise to never do it with anyone else. Now, yes, when the opportunity arises, I will definitely indulge in that with someone else that will enjoy it with me. Other little things...we'd always tell each other to be careful. That was OUR thing. Now, I say it to friends and family every chance I get. I find myself using our pet names for each other every chance I get with other people. Theres a guy at work that I'm not involved with in any way, but I've nicknamed him "sexy man" in a joking fashion. I'll find a "crazy man" soon because that was always my name for xmm. We'd always dreamed about going fishing together. You better believe I'll go fishing with someone else as soon as the opportunity comes up. So are there things that you've reclaimed in your life? I wanted to learn Spanish when I was with him, as that was his native language. Well I am still going to do that now, because I want to, for me. i want to travel and use my new language skills. It is the most useful language to know other than English, so my involvement with him is not putting me off. We always talked about visiting places. Well I am going to go to those places without him and have some fun! 1
Author GreySkyMorning Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 His birthday. I'm taking that date back this year too on Sept 5. My daughter always made him a birthday cake or chocolate chip cookies. We met him at a truck stop one year just to share birthday cake with him. He always thought she didnt like him and really she did. They had this love hate thing going on and she enjoyed the banter. My middle son thought he was cool. Xmm swore he loved my kids so much. Yet, poof, under the bus they went too.
maidai Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) Yes, not yet but I will be. Our favourite was a pub we went to on our first date. It was about a 20 mile round trip and we always said we would never go there with anyone else. We ended up going about twice a week. I was due to hold my 40th birthday there next Saturday planned and arranged with him and his family. I am not going to be daft enough to do it yet and have made alternative plans BUT I love this place and WILL go back. We also promised never to betray each other and well...... he did not stick to that did he so why should I? We had a holiday booked in February with friends. I will still go and take another friend instead. We have tickets booked for his 40th next March that I bought him as a suprise to see a comedian in a town about 50 miles away. 4 tickets and 2 hotel rooms booked as we were meant to be going with his sister and BIL. I will still be going only with my girlfriends and I can not wait. From now on any promise I made to him has been broken by HIM I will not be feeling the need to stick to my end of the bargain anymore His divorce was due the day he went back, he chose someone who ritually abused him for years over me. I loved him unconditionally and he balked the day we were free to build our life together. I dont owe him s*** I am reclaiming the whole lot! Edited August 23, 2013 by maidai 1
Author GreySkyMorning Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 We also promised never to betray each other and well...... he did not stick to that did he so why should I? From now on any promise I made to him has been broken by HIM I will not be feeling the need to stick to my end of the bargain anymore This exactly. He got so mad at me and accused me of betraying him because I told his wife the truth when she asked me. By that time, he'd already broken his promises to me and betrayed me. Why would I feel any loyalty to him then? Somehow I was supposed to still keep my promises even though he was tossing his to the wayside.
maidai Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 This exactly. He got so mad at me and accused me of betraying him because I told his wife the truth when she asked me. By that time, he'd already broken his promises to me and betrayed me. Why would I feel any loyalty to him then? Somehow I was supposed to still keep my promises even though he was tossing his to the wayside. Our situation was slightly different. We got together 18mnths after he and his wife split because she cheated on him 3 times during their marriage and he ended up having a breakdown. We were together openly for 18mnths. He knows that more than anything I hated infidelity and that is why I relationship was open from day one. Although others may see it as me being in an affair with a MM I truly believed he was close enough to being free to commit. He betrayed me in the cruelest way. He knew my feelings on the whole situation regarding cheating and cheated on me a good loyal woman with the woman who cheated on him for years. BIZARRE! 2
hermione08 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I said I would leave my job for him (he lives quite far from here), and now I'm quitting my job to go to India. See if he can catch me now 4
Author GreySkyMorning Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I said I would leave my job for him (he lives quite far from here), and now I'm quitting my job to go to India. See if he can catch me now I offered to quit school and move my kids and my whole life 150 miles away to be with him. Amazing the sacrifices we were willing to make for them, huh? 2
hermione08 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Yes, I would have moved back to my country (which I really do not like, that's why I moved to London - and I love London). And just to be near him so he would not have to live far away from his son. And he could not even be bothered to tell me he did not want to leave his wife. He lied right to the end. 1
Feb Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 On the other board, the BS is always talking about reclaiming things, or doing what was done with the ow/om in order to make their own memories of those things or to "take them back". I notice a definite desire in my own life to want to do that same thing. Halloween for example...that holiday is closely associated with him in my mind. During our two years, this first one, he was with me the night before Halloween and the second year, he was here on Halloween night. This year, I plan to make a new tradition for that night. I don't know what yet, but I'll find a way to make it mine again. There was a particular sexual activity that when we always broke up before, I'd promise to never do it with anyone else. Now, yes, when the opportunity arises, I will definitely indulge in that with someone else that will enjoy it with me. Other little things...we'd always tell each other to be careful. That was OUR thing. Now, I say it to friends and family every chance I get. I find myself using our pet names for each other every chance I get with other people. Theres a guy at work that I'm not involved with in any way, but I've nicknamed him "sexy man" in a joking fashion. I'll find a "crazy man" soon because that was always my name for xmm. We'd always dreamed about going fishing together. You better believe I'll go fishing with someone else as soon as the opportunity comes up. So are there things that you've reclaimed in your life? Great thread! BTW, I'm very happy for you glad to see these SG's treating you well. Well sadly (or maybe not), xAP I didn't share anything too unique due the secretive nature of our workplace A. We had limited time together alone, no holidays, and no celebration of special days. We'd get coffee together and eat at local restaurants over lunch, and have the occasional hotel meet up, but I no longer associate these with my xAP. xAP said he always planned on buying me little trinkets to remind me of our time together, but he never followed through on that. For me, there are things that were "ours" that I will NOT be reclaiming. The excessive "sexting" -- nope won't be reclaiming that, or doing that ever again. Fooling around in the back seat of a car -- won't be reclaiming that one either. I understand and love the OP's post though. Right after NC or dday, there are so many landmarks, dates, songs, and places that definitely trigger memories of xAP and the A. Those all need to be replaced with new and happier memories.
Feb Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I offered to quit school and move my kids and my whole life 150 miles away to be with him. Amazing the sacrifices we were willing to make for them, huh? Yours are more extreme than mine, but thought I'd share in the "stupid things I would have done for AP" theme. I was offered a new job, a promotion, and a $10,000 raise in an area I was more suited for career wise. Also the commute was shorter for this new position. I told my MM, "This is a great opportunity, but I won't take it if you want me to stay here with you.". Thankfully my MM told me to take it and I did. The new job ended up being the demise of our A, so that was just an added bonus with the new job. I can't imagine how life would be if MM wanted me to stay in the old job and I actually listened to him. 2
maidai Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Well this thread really really got me thinking. Its a great thread... Since the break up 3 weeks ago I have pretty much being avoiding music unless out clubbing with my girlfriends. We recently went to see Robbie Williams in concert supported by Olly Murs together. I know each time he hears those he will be thinking of me. So far I have really really avoided them. I just spent half an hour dancing round the livingroom with the dogs to both Olly and Robbie so I guess I just reclaimed them too! 1
Red Wolverine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 So are there things that you've reclaimed in your life? Not trying to be trite but.... I reclaimed my self-respect. Nothing else matters. 3
Feb Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Not trying to be trite but.... I reclaimed my self-respect. Nothing else matters. It's not trite, but I think it's part of the process. Once you reclaim your self-respect, you start reclaiming everything else. I'm happy to see this process start to unfold for Grey.
2sure Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 This is an amazing thread! Like you said, reclaiming is something a BS often tries to do, but certainly it can work for anyone. What a healthy way to take the power away from triggers! Reclamation . Really, unless you do this, the best you can do is avoid triggers or learn to live with them...this is empowering , its a big deal. 2
SunsetRed Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 GreySky, its funny you should mention fishing! My xmm did that too. He promised me many types of fishing trips, just us and then a chartered boat trip. Guess what, I looked on the internet and found a chartered boat trip for only $40. It includes the use of a fishing pole, bait, temp license. Im going by myself. Yes, its scary because I don't want to look like a loner, loser but at the same time, I've got to do this, to "fix" all the trips I never got. Maybe I can play helpless and ask some single guy to "help" me with my pole! Anyway, one way to claim your life is to just do these things by yourself. Go on a cruise, do whatever. Fall is coming and so is the time change. plan stuff to do so you aren't sitting at home feeling sad. 3
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Im going by myself. Yes, its scary because I don't want to look like a loner, loser You are so very wrong. You will look like a person who has their sh*t together and enjoys their life..on their terms!!!!! 3
fanine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Im going by myself. Yes, its scary because I don't want to look like a loner, loser You are so very wrong. You will look like a person who has their sh*t together and enjoys their life..on their terms!!!!! I think actually my xMM had a sense I was going to go when I told him I had signed up for some classes, that I was out and about more with my female friends. I could see from his reaction his concern, when I was reclaiming my life before going NC. He seemed perturbed....There was one time though I told him I was thinking of going abroad to work. One of my reasons for this was to get out of my area, to have a fresh start, to get away from my situation. To totally reclaim my life. Away from him. I did not say this though. At the time I thought this might be the best way out of it all, with as little drama as possible. His immediate reaction though was, great! Can I get some work there too? I was speechless really. I mean hello, what about the wife and kids you won't leave for me here.....but you will come abroad with me? Hello, earth calling... 1
oliviah Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 We had dreams of riding motorcycles through the mountains. Even picked them out the afternoon of dday. 8 months later, I received my motorcycle license, bought a bike and ride. His wife wont let him get one. It actually makes me sad for him because I know he would love it as I do! Having so much fun and getting a lot of confidence from it! 3
tbf Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 The easiest way to reclaim, is to re-mark. Pee all over the perp, laugh and walk away! 3
SunsetRed Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 We had dreams of riding motorcycles through the mountains. Even picked them out the afternoon of dday. 8 months later, I received my motorcycle license, bought a bike and ride. His wife wont let him get one. It actually makes me sad for him because I know he would love it as I do! Having so much fun and getting a lot of confidence from it! I love this! Very empowering! that's what we OW need to do, get back our power. I met a single guy tonight at an outdoor concert. We were both tipsy and he joked that we should run away to Las Vegas and get married. Then it hit me, Im actually free to do that and this guy could do that. Not that I want to w him, but it hit me...I could get married on a whim to someone. I could get married to anyone BUT MM and MM will never have the freedom to marry me because he's already married. I hope this vegas statement makes sense, lol Im still tipsy. It makes sense in my head anyway. Im less limited by a total stranger than I was w MM. I could marry a stranger in a matter of minutes or hours and would wait a lifetime and never marry MM. 2
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