M30USA Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) I had a rather strange event at my kids open house. Ex wife came with both her parents and sat down in the auditorium with my kids for the main speech by principal. My kids were sandwiched between my ex and their grandparents. I kindly asked them, "If possible Id like to sit beside my kids. I believe it's important for them." Her mom said she didn't want to get involved, so she didn't move from her position right beside them. Then my ex said, to her mom, that she is fine with the current seating (meaning she was fine with her kids dad being boxed out behind them the whole time while my kid literally sat in the lap of his grandma the whole time). Note that i didnt come in after them or late, and the seats were not packed. I had walked in right beside them but her family most likely intentionally boxed me out. I had asked kindly, was declined, but I didn't want to make a scene. Afterall, it was my exs possession day. I just figured my kids should sit beside their dad, but I guess my ex believes their grandparents are more important than their father. Oh well. I guess I should get used to the world of a spiteful ex wife. I wouldn't even ask if this were unreasonable. My mother is a teacher and she says divorced parents often sit right beside their kids for the sake of the kids, temporarily putting aside issues. Any comments? Edited August 23, 2013 by M30USA
littlejaz Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I think is it very sad when parents cannot put their differences aside for the sake of their children. Children should always come first.
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I think is it very sad when parents cannot put their differences aside for the sake of their children. Children should always come first. So are you saying I did wrong? I tried my hardest to put them first. I really did.
revitup Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) Yes,you should have sat beside your kids.That was just wrong for them to isolate you.It's just what they do,I wouldn't do the STBXWW that way and I can't stand her. Yesterday was my DD15's open house,it felt wonderful to be there and support her.I have her full time and there is no interference from STBXWW.I am lucky in that regard.I am going to get me a "proud single dad of a terrific kid" sticker for my Suburban! You just have to roll with some things I guess.What they do to us is less important than how we respond to it.Choose your battles wisely. REVITUP Edited August 23, 2013 by revitup spelling 1
littlejaz Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 No, I am saying you should have been allowed to sit next to your kids. Sorry for the confusion. 2
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Thanks for the feedback. Their family has bullying tendencies and are known to be "shrewd" in business and social settings. It's just sad that their actions reveal their belief that my kids don't need their dad. Oh well. I just let it blow off my shoulder and I didn't pick a battle or make a scene. 1
littlejaz Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Good for you. I believe kids will make their own decisions as they mature about how their parents acted during and after the split. 1
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Good for you. I believe kids will make their own decisions as they mature about how their parents acted during and after the split. But the problem is that my kids view her parents as the main caregivers on her side. They overcompensate for her. I've actually noticed when its just me and her around the kids (at dropoffs), they are excited to see me. But whenever her parents are there, they act all weird like they don't even know who I am.
RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 But the problem is that my kids view her parents as the main caregivers on her side. They overcompensate for her. I've actually noticed when its just me and her around the kids (at dropoffs), they are excited to see me. But whenever her parents are there, they act all weird like they don't even know who I am. Kids are smart. The recognize when one parent is not treating the other parent right or fairly. Just keeping doing your thing and let your ex dig her own grave. The kids will come to eventually resent her a bit for treating you poorly infront of them. But don't be spineless. Kids want to feel wanted.
2sure Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Kids are smart. The recognize when one parent is not treating the other parent right or fairly. Just keeping doing your thing and let your ex dig her own grave. The kids will come to eventually resent her a bit for treating you poorly infront of them. But don't be spineless. Kids want to feel wanted. This is wise advice as far as my experience. Also, if you haven't done it yet, most schools will accommodate a seperate parent teacher conference at grade reporting time for parents who are divorced. 1
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 This is wise advice as far as my experience. Also, if you haven't done it yet, most schools will accommodate a seperate parent teacher conference at grade reporting time for parents who are divorced. That's great info about separate parent-teacher conferences for divorced parents. Hopefully they could be arranged at a time when I have kids. Otherwise I can guarantee my ex wouldn't let the kids be with me there.
2sure Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Well, you know...go, even without the kids. It demonstrates to the kids, the teachers, and even to your ex...that you're invested, interested, and not going away. My x initially complained about not being invited to attend them with me. So, I gave him the information to set up his own appt. He never did. After a few years, in an effort to get him more involved, I invited him to attend with me. He never did. He just wanted to complain, not actually DO. I know you're not that guy.
NXS Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 But the problem is that my kids view her parents as the main caregivers on her side. They overcompensate for her. I've actually noticed when its just me and her around the kids (at dropoffs), they are excited to see me. But whenever her parents are there, they act all weird like they don't even know who I am. M30 I don't know if you've heard of "Parental Alienation" but this looks like what's going on here. There's plenty of information online about this. 1
Author M30USA Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 M30 I don't know if you've heard of "Parental Alienation" but this looks like what's going on here. There's plenty of information online about this. At first I thought it was impossible for a 3 year old to be manipulated and influenced by parental alienation, but what I keep hearing from everybody is "you better believe it". Everybody tells me even 3 year olds can pick up on suggestions and behaviors. They quickly learn who the group is isolating, who is the person without power, and they act accordingly--at least in the presence of the group. When he's with me he's as jolly as can be. He just has this blank gaze when I'm around in addition to my ex's parents. He is intimidated by them and doesn't want to make them angry by showing positive feelings towards me. Even my 6 year old told me that he's not allowed to doodle on paper with crayons while talking with me on phone because his grandma "gets mad when I do that".
NXS Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 At first I thought it was impossible for a 3 year old to be manipulated and influenced by parental alienation, but what I keep hearing from everybody is "you better believe it". Everybody tells me even 3 year olds can pick up on suggestions and behaviors. They quickly learn who the group is isolating, who is the person without power, and they act accordingly--at least in the presence of the group. When he's with me he's as jolly as can be. He just has this blank gaze when I'm around in addition to my ex's parents. He is intimidated by them and doesn't want to make them angry by showing positive feelings towards me. Even my 6 year old told me that he's not allowed to doodle on paper with crayons while talking with me on phone because his grandma "gets mad when I do that". Sorry to hear about all this crap they're putting you and your children through, you must be a very patient man I think I'd snap. This is child abuse, nothing less than child abuse, and it really gets infuriates me. There are a few counter-strategies you can use: - Always maintain a parent/child relationship, often these abusers don't maintain this type of relationship and resort to seeing the children as their friends/allies. Children instinctively know that this is not a healthy relationship and by you being a parent you're allowing them to be children. Keep strict boundaries, especially around things like school work, meals, bedtime and recreational time. This can be difficult as they will have a different routine in their house so you have to try and do this without completely confusing them or being an authoritarian, it takes patience and a degree of going along with their routines in the other house. - Involve your family and extended family as much as possible, bring them to as many family occasions as you can and particularly try to get your parents involved in your counter-strategy. One way they can really help is to talk to them about you as much as possible. As an example if you bring them to the park they can say things like "oh your dad brought you to park, oh aren't you lucky to have such a wonderful dad!". Or things like "oh when your dad was a child we used to bring him to the park and he loved going on the swings". This is constantly reinforcing the message that you are their dad and you have their best interest at heart. - Take a lot of photos and show them back to them, you can say things like "oh look, this is day we went to [ ], didn't we have a great day". Again constant reinforcement of your role in their lives. - You can do fun/adventurous things with them that these two old farts can't do, kids love this stuff and they'll have positive memories about these activities. M30 your children are young so for now just keep reinforcing this message, as they get a bit older you won't have to do this, they will start making their own decisions and start seeing things as they are. They will know who has been a good parent to them and who has been abusive. They will probably always maintain a relationship with the grandparents but you will be their dad. 1
Author M30USA Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Here's the latest: We have a school luncheon coming up. She emailed me and suggested that I allow her to attend it without me. I told her I'm going. She responded by saying that she will "exercise" her parenting time during that luncheon and I am "not to have any possession" during the event. She referred to a time where I simply picked up and held my son and walked into a nearby lobby area. Evidently she believes doing this is violating her parenting time. Any thoughts on this?
UpwardForward Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Yep, it should be mother/father - grandparents secondary. Neither she or her mother showed much love for the children by squeezing you out. If children are to be included in the luncheon, I would attend, talk to them and letting them know you are 'here'. She's being terribly petty in using her children in this manner.
littlejaz Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I know this doesn't help, but what a low life. She must be terribly insecure as a mother to do this to her child(ren).
melissag Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Wow. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I'm confused by why she would think that you don't get to be a parent to your kid on "her" day . . . isn't parenting time about spending time with your kid, not excluding the other parent? Your XW is obviously making this about her, and not about your child. That sucks.
Author M30USA Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) Wow. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I'm confused by why she would think that you don't get to be a parent to your kid on "her" day . . . isn't parenting time about spending time with your kid, not excluding the other parent? Your XW is obviously making this about her, and not about your child. That sucks. Yes, and yet she continues to say that it's me who is making it about myself and not the kids. She typifies the concept of projection. Also...I'm not sure if my ex realizes this, but I'm pretty sure she has just documented her parental alienation in writing with these emails. Edited October 16, 2013 by M30USA
Eggplant Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 It's a very small issue that isn't worth stirring ups things. Pick your battles. Your children know you're there. They're with grandma. They're fine. 1
Eggplant Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Here's the latest: We have a school luncheon coming up. She emailed me and suggested that I allow her to attend it without me. I told her I'm going. She responded by saying that she will "exercise" her parenting time during that luncheon and I am "not to have any possession" during the event. She referred to a time where I simply picked up and held my son and walked into a nearby lobby area. Evidently she believes doing this is violating her parenting time. Any thoughts on this?As a child of divorced parents who weren't on speaking terms, it's better if everybody just keeps their distance. If it's a big event, both go. Otherwise, minimize drama, take turns. That said, you get to hug your child. There is no need to act weird. You kid gets to hug his dad. She sounds unreasonable. 1
Author M30USA Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 It's a very small issue that isn't worth stirring ups things. Pick your battles. Your children know you're there. They're with grandma. They're fine. Agreed. That's been my approach. Her family pretty much boxes me out from my children during events, anyway, so it really leaves me with no choice. And I'm not going to make a scene or take her to court, so I just gotta take a punch for my kids.
UpwardForward Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Agreed. That's been my approach. Her family pretty much boxes me out from my children during events, anyway, so it really leaves me with no choice. And I'm not going to make a scene or take her to court, so I just gotta take a punch for my kids. I would show up to all events concerning your children. If you cannot get close enough to hug them - then just speak encouraging loving words in greeting them. If your xW, makes a scene or tries to squeeze you out, just say goodbye to the children when you're ready to leave. In other words: In and out. 1
road Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Here's the latest: We have a school luncheon coming up. She emailed me and suggested that I allow her to attend it without me. I told her I'm going. She responded by saying that she will "exercise" her parenting time during that luncheon and I am "not to have any possession" during the event. She referred to a time where I simply picked up and held my son and walked into a nearby lobby area. Evidently she believes doing this is violating her parenting time. Any thoughts on this? This is a matter for the lawyers because no matter how you present this issue to your XW she will never see it your way. You pointed out that it is "her official time" to have the kids at these functions. So you are intruding. It would be nice for her to give up one hour an share it as in a school event. Nice is not required. You removing one child and bringing him away from the activity area and go to another part of the building was wrong. You were wanting shared time, then take it to alone time. Ask for an inch and take a mile. I remember your scene name though not your story. Was there an affair by either one of one?
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