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Guy asked for exclusivity and then told me he's not ready for a serious relationship

darna

By darna
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darna Member

darna

Posted
Posted

Hello Everyone! I was hoping that I wouldn't be back here so soon. :(

 

Anyway, last time you heard from me, I ditched the guy who I met on match and wanted me to wear makeup and perfume. Also, I told you about the other guy who was into me. Let's call him Jack. He's 30 years old. I am 34 by the way.

 

I met Jack on Zoosk. We chatted for about a week and then asked me to go to dinner. I did not find him that interesting during the first date. Since I have nothing else to do after the dinner I agreed to watch a movie with him. After that, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug, kissed me on my head and then told me to text him to let him know that I got home safely. So I decided to give him another date if he asked since he seemed to be a good guy. That was Friday, July 19.

 

Come Sunday, we chatted on zoosk and he asked me if I wanted to go walk in a park. I said yes and we had a good conversation and I found that he's actually a funny guy. This is when he told me I'm pretty already and I don't need to wear makeup. Sweet! When we said goodbye he kissed me on the lips and I felt giddy.

 

Monday, we hang out at my place and made out a little bit and told him I was not ready to do anything further. He said he doesn't mind waiting because he thinks I am a good girl. I liked him more. The following day (Tuesday), he dropped by my place and brought some ingredients for making margarita. He said he wasn't sure if I drink so he bought a bottle of juice for me. I found that very considerate. And he didn't make any moves on me. I liked him even more.

 

I was going out on dates with other guys before I met Jack and have dates scheduled during that week. But I am not the type of girl who gets physical with different guys at the same time frame. Since I got physical with Jack first (and I like him as well), I thought that I should level with him about this.

 

So on Wednesday (July 24th) I dropped by his place. I asked him if he was dating other girls because I was dating other guys. He said he wasn't dating anyone else. He told me that if I prefer dating multiple people at the same time then he might be open to that arrangement. But he preferred that it's just the two of us. So at that time we decided to date exclusively. I told him I'll let the other guys know that I will not be seeing them anymore. I closed my match and zoosk accounts.

 

That night was the first time we slept together (after 5 dates). So at first I thought he might just be after sex. But he was even sweeter to me after our first sex. He even cooked for me that Sunday (one week dating). I would sleep at his place. And he would always cuddle with me. He was the one who always asked me to be closer to him. Then he would sleep at my place and I had to push him out of the bed/me so he wouldn't be late for work (two weeks dating).

 

Now on the morning of Aug 3, after sleeping at my place, we planned to do something that afternoon. But later he texted me and said he wanted to have some time alone. I was so confused because we parted in good terms that morning. So I said ok and did not text him back.

 

Sunday he asked me to go hiking but "apparently" he didn't receive my reply that I wanted to go and so he went by himself.

 

The following day we had a conversation about it and cleared the air. He said he did not call me because he thought I was pissed off about Saturday night. I did not call him because I did not want to be pushy.

 

He said he was not ready to lose his individuality. I asked him if I did anything to make him feel smothered. He said no I was perfect. Ok, I am already reformed. I don't send crazy e-mails or texts anymore. I wait until he texts me and then I reply. I am a good girl now. :p

 

Ok, so after this episode we slowed down on seeing each other, about twice a week instead of everyday.

 

Now come last Thursday (Aug 16), he told me that if there was a guy who was offering a more serious commitment then I should take it. I said WHAT???? How is that possible??? We decided to date exclusively how can I find a man with a better offer? He said he asked about being exclusive because he was excited about me at that time.

 

He then dropped the bomb that he was not ready for a serious relationship!!! But he said he still feels the same way for me and he doesn't want things to change between us. He just wants to be honest. He told me that it is my decision if we stay the same way, just friends or nothing.

 

WHATTTT???? Asking for exclusivity and then not ready for a relationship??? What happened here???

 

Please help me process this... I am really hurt... I really like this guy and he has treated me so kindly and sweetly when we were together.

 

I did not call him or text him after this conversation. He texted me Monday and Wednesday out of the blue. I just said I was having a great time attending Zumba and Salsa classes.

 

I don't understand at all.... Please help!!! It's been a week after that conversation and I would have moved on had he not texted me.

 

Why oh why did this happen???

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Ouch, sorry you're dealing with this.

 

Maybe he got cold feet when he realized that you really were interested in something more committed. Maybe he's an utter commitment-phobe. Maybe HE has another option that he didn't tell you about. There's no way to know what brought that on, but it wasn't cool to offer exclusivity and then change his tune.

 

In any event, I'd start detaching from him. Don't make plans to see him again unless you want something just casual from him. He doesn't know what he wants and but it isn't a serious relationship. Too much hassle.

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forgetmenot75 Established Member

forgetmenot75

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Hi, he's lost interest in you.

It was probably because you were so easy and agreed to be exclusive after ...1 week? Men like the chase at first. You close all your dating accounts...very early on.

He wasn't that much into you at first, I'd say, and he's definitely no longer interested. He probably found someone else. I do think he kept his options open while you devoted all your time to him exclusively.

I'm really sorry. Time to move in and learn from the mistakes

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Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

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As wrong as this may be, I'm just going to answer the question based off the title alone.

 

He was just testing the waters, wanted to feign something more committed then backed out with the real proposition was on the table.

 

It's just a way of buying time and gaining interest while getting what he wants out of it...a lot of guys do this to open the pearly gates to either your vagina or emotions, then just back out when it gets too real or emotional.

SugarLips72 Established Member

SugarLips72

Posted
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Sorry you are going through this, this really sucks.

 

You did not do anything wrong. It sounds to me he has someone else he is interested in. Maybe he is getting back together with an old flame? That is all I can come up with. I doubt he lost total interest but I am thinking he possibly got back together with an ex.

 

Good luck.

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darna Member

darna

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Thank you guys for your feedback. I'm slowly moving on.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Sorry you are going through this...

 

I don't agree with the others that you did anything wrong.

 

Some people are dishonest, manipulative and just mean... has nothing to do with you.

 

I'd say stories like you mentioned are much more likely the norm with anyone you'd meet online. Don't take it personally.

 

Try to find ways to meet people IRL where their stories can be checked out and they have something to lose by being deceptive. Use this experience as a way to compel you in that direction (dating IRL, not online), is my advice.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
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In my book, exclusivity does NOT mean "serious relationship." Exclusivity allows you to explore the potential for a serious relationship without the two of you being distracted by others during the period.

 

You said you stopped sending him crazy emails and texts. I suspect your crazy emails and texts led him to decide that he knows he doesn't want to ultimately be in a serious relationship with you.

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SubliminalSessions Established Member

SubliminalSessions

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You said you stopped sending him crazy emails and texts. I suspect your crazy emails and texts led him to decide that he knows he doesn't want to ultimately be in a serious relationship with you.

 

What kind of crazy texts and emails were they, so I don't make the same mistake lol?

 

You guys met a little over a month ago, from what it sounds like it was too fast. You shouldn't be seeing each other everyday in the first month. You wait til you actually are serious to do that. I usually find meeting once a week to work better than even meeting 2-3 times a week. But at the same time, I've met guys once a week who didn't go anywhere either...but, we may still keep in contact here and there.

 

It sucks to have a 'relationship' so short-lived like that, that was actually going somewhere. You just have to pump the brakes sometimes. Being with someone in the morning and seeing them later that afternoon after knowing each other only a month is too much too soon. Most guys I meet can't even be consistent enough to do that, much less meet everyday.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

Wow.

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I am in similar position to that one in which you were in, whereby I met a guy and saw him every day and slept with him early on too.

 

After stories like this I think I should just scale it back and see the guy once or twice a week tops.

 

A red flag that stood out for me, but that most people on here will probably think is normal; you did not feel that.... much of a spark with him initially.

 

I would not bother with a guy if I did not feel something about him initially, upon our first point of contact, that made him... stand out. It is just a basic feeling you have for people that make you love talking to them and not want to stop.

 

Maybe next time try not to bother with second dates with men who you do not really feel are that special and only hang out with because you have nothing better to do that night?

 

Thanks again for sharing your story, I am definitely going to scale things back with this new guy. As I think he is really into me but want to ensure it is not one of those big rushes that burns out just as fast.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted (edited)

One more thing, OP...

 

Lots of people have different definitions of 'exclusivity'. These days, one would hope they at least mean sexual exclusivity, but they are either passively or actively still seeing others.

 

Alot of people who are commitment phobic seem to have this secret handshake and 'lingo' like they expect everyone else to understand... and it is somehow on you to be a detective rather than them being upfront about what they are doing or what they are looking for.

 

Unfortunately, the only person who can look out for you is you...

 

This is why it is very important not to get emotionally involved, and ideally, not physically involved with anyone until you know them long enough to understand their value system and verify it.

 

Never forget that men you meet online are total strangers. No matter how great their profile looks or how much of a 'connection' you think you have. Unless you know them in some other way, you are only getting the side of them they market for the purposes of dating.

 

My advice? Avoid those who need a dictionary to define their sexual practices, relationship habits, and partners.

 

People who are interested in and have highest likelihood of commitment don't need a dictionary to define who they have sex with. Think about it.

Edited by RedRobin
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darna Member

darna

Posted
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Hi Everyone!

 

Thanks again for your input! I am really doing my best to move on with my life even though I am still hurting. What I don't understand is why is he still communicating with me? I stopped communicating with him after the "not ready for relationship" conversation. Then four days after he sent me a message. And then again. I just reply briefly after each message he sends. Now he is in Greece visiting his family and then I received a Facebook message last Friday with him apologizing to me for being out of touch. I am actually not expecting to hear from him at all. Then he saw me online and chatted briefly with me. Why is he doing this? On my part, at least I know I am still affected and it is a gauge that I have not completely moved on.But again, why is he keeping the communication line open with me???

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darna Member

darna

Posted
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In my book, exclusivity does NOT mean "serious relationship." Exclusivity allows you to explore the potential for a serious relationship without the two of you being distracted by others during the period.

 

You said you stopped sending him crazy emails and texts. I suspect your crazy emails and texts led him to decide that he knows he doesn't want to ultimately be in a serious relationship with you.

 

Hi Star, Thanks for your feedback. What I meant about the crazy text and email is the one that I sent to the other guy. The guy who I first dated. I never sent anything to this current guy, Jack. I actually just respond when he texts me. I listened to your advice. :)

Lei Ping Established Member

Lei Ping

Posted
Posted

So how long total was this relationship before you started giving up the Pum-Pum?

 

Then you expect the Guy to commit his heart and soul after how long?

 

Methinks he doesn't appreciate being rushed to the altar. It's waay too early for a pity party, just enjoy the free nookie from that young feller.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

Posted
Posted
So how long total was this relationship before you started giving up the Pum-Pum?

 

Then you expect the Guy to commit his heart and soul after how long?

 

Methinks he doesn't appreciate being rushed to the altar. It's waay too early for a pity party, just enjoy the free nookie from that young feller.

They started talking around July 12; first date July 19, Pum-Pum ensues on evening of 5th date on July 24th.

 

Edited to add: Oh wait, I think that "how long" question was rhetorical...

  • Like 1
aussietigerwolf Established Member

aussietigerwolf

Posted
Posted
Hi Everyone!

 

Thanks again for your input! I am really doing my best to move on with my life even though I am still hurting. What I don't understand is why is he still communicating with me? I stopped communicating with him after the "not ready for relationship" conversation. Then four days after he sent me a message. And then again. I just reply briefly after each message he sends. Now he is in Greece visiting his family and then I received a Facebook message last Friday with him apologizing to me for being out of touch. I am actually not expecting to hear from him at all. Then he saw me online and chatted briefly with me. Why is he doing this? On my part, at least I know I am still affected and it is a gauge that I have not completely moved on.But again, why is he keeping the communication line open with me???

 

in the hopes that you will still have sex with him?

  • Like 1
Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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His feelings about you may not have changed. He may think he is supposed to want commitment but really he does not feel that.

 

 

At 30 he is seeing his formerly single friends get married off and thinks he should want that.

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Malakas Member

Malakas

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OP,I don't think you did anything wrong.There is no golden rule or specific steps that a woman must follow to "make" a man get into a relationship with her.This guy was just not the right one,he has issues and is afraid of commitment.I suggest you move on and don't waste your time waiting for him to change his mind.And stop responding to his messages.He's probably checking the waters to see if you're up for casual sex.

  • Like 2
serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted
OP,I don't think you did anything wrong.There is no golden rule or specific steps that a woman must follow to "make" a man get into a relationship with her.This guy was just not the right one,he has issues and is afraid of commitment.I suggest you move on and don't waste your time waiting for him to change his mind.And stop responding to his messages.He's probably checking the waters to see if you're up for casual sex.

 

I agree with this perspective, OP. And yes, stop responding to his messages - sounds like he's just fishing at this point.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

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darna Member

darna

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Thanks guys! I was wishfully thinking that he emailed me because he was missing me and realized he made a mistake! Hahaha!!!! Oh well!!!! Moving on....

  • Like 1
acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

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I think you saw each other too frequently to begin with, that can really kill a budding relationship. You need space and time away from each other, and him asking for space because he didn't want to lose his individuality was a clear indicator of that need not being met by current arrangements.

 

Also, he didn't ask for exclusivity, did he? I thought you went round a few days after meeting him and asked him about it yourself, to which he expressed that he'd prefer exclusivity but didn't really mind if you didn't want that quite yet?

 

I'd say in the future just take things a little more slowly. Wait at least a couple of weeks before bringing up whether or not you're seeing other people! And hanging out a couple of times a week, maybe three, should be more than enough in the early stages of dating. I wonder what was going on in your lives that you both had the freedom to see each other almost every day... what happened to your other commitments/friendships/engagements/hobbies etc.?

 

Good luck for the next time!

  • Like 1
Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

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Next time, don't bring up exclusivity. That puts him on the spot. In this case, he didn't on his own accord bring up exclusivity. Let the man bring it up. If he doesn't bring it up, assume you're not exclusive, and act/refrain accordingly.

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darna Member

darna

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I think you saw each other too frequently to begin with, that can really kill a budding relationship. You need space and time away from each other, and him asking for space because he didn't want to lose his individuality was a clear indicator of that need not being met by current arrangements.

 

Hi Across! Do you think there might be a slight possibility that it may be salvaged? He's out of the country and still reaching out to me. I know it's possible that he's stringing me along. But a girl can hope, right?

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darna Member

darna

Posted
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Next time, don't bring up exclusivity. That puts him on the spot. In this case, he didn't on his own accord bring up exclusivity. Let the man bring it up. If he doesn't bring it up, assume you're not exclusive, and act/refrain accordingly.

 

 

Thanks! Yup, I definitely learned a lot from this experience. Slooowww down and don't talk about exclusivity....

serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hi Across! Do you think there might be a slight possibility that it may be salvaged? He's out of the country and still reaching out to me. I know it's possible that he's stringing me along. But a girl can hope, right?

 

I think that's the danger of suggesting that you somehow did something wrong here. When it comes to choosing to date exclusively or when to have sex, different people have different standards - perhaps holding yourself back more and being less available would work with some guys, but others want to know you're interested. It's going to depend on the guy to a large extent - and that's why you should take all of this with a grain of salt. In the end, suggesting that it's your responsibility to have re-interpreted his stated wishes and read his mind has one unfortunate result: You end up thinking that you can "fix" it, and thus hanging on far longer than you should.

 

I honestly think you should let this one go. As for dating exclusively - which is hardly saying that you want to get married! - well, you didn't bring it up. He did. Sure, you could have said no. But that seems silly to me; you were basically agreeing not to date others while you see how good a match you are, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that - many people prefer it. Some don't, of course, but this guy told you he did! I don't see anything wrong with going along with that under those circumstances, provided it's what you wanted too.

 

Yes, he sent you the wrong message. Perhaps he changed his mind, perhaps he didn't know his own mind, perhaps he just likes an occasional ego-boost from a girl he knows really likes him, perhaps anything. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure that out. But I think the bottom line here is that he's not the guy for you, and no amount of Monday-morning quarterbacking is going to change that. I'm sorry and I know it's disappointing, but it's probably better to let it go now than to hold out hope that if you just change this one thing, then this one thing, then this one other thing about your approach, that you'll find the magic formula to draw him back in. Really, not worth it.

Edited by serial muse
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