Southern Cal Dude Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Even if that were the case, and it certainly isn't for some women, that's still no excuse for sending the woman in question pictures of your junk or suggesting that maybe shed like to sit on your lap at your next date. No question, but if we're going past an isolated incident(or even 2), that's a pattern. I constantly get asked for cigarettes and lighters. Should I blame everyone else, or should I look in the mirror and consider that there's something I'm doing that's getting that result?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I'm in a weirdly disfunctional marriage where my wife and I screw like rabbits even though we barely tolerate each other, and other than Letsbe I feel like I'm the only sane man on the thread today. Why does pointing out behavior which by any reasonable standard constitutes dambassery get turned into a gender war by some guys? Do you doofi ever get laid? :love: 1
xxoo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Not pervs, just clueless guys skipping first and second gear and moving straight to third. With the proper foundation, there's literally nothing a man can't say to most women today. I've never said criminal, violent or illegal things, but other than that, there's pretty much no limit IME once they feel like a participant in it as opposed to a target of it, and that doesn't usually take much time at all, just a little warmup. Being sexual is the natural order of things, not something to be ashamed of, being crudely sexual without prep is the real issue, not being sexual in itself. But they're not clueless. She's talking about desirable men in their late 30s (she liked him when they went out on a date; he decided not to take it further). These are men who chose to skip first and second when they are interested in sex only. And they are correct to do so, because at least they aren't leading anyone on. Their intentions are perfectly clear. And sometimes it works, which is why they do it.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 But they're not clueless. She's talking about desirable men in their late 30s (she liked him when they went out on a date; he decided not to take it further). ATTRACTIVE, not necessarily desirable... I think they've proven they're not desirable. These are men who chose to skip first and second when they are interested in sex only. And they are correct to do so, because at least they aren't leading anyone on. Their intentions are perfectly clear. And sometimes it works, which is why they do it. Actually, they often say they are looking/dating for marriage and children, and specifically not interested in casual, hence why I engage them in the first place. On the dates themselves, they're perfect, engaging gentlemen. After the date, and without any warning - BAM! - they take it to perve town. But, yeah. 1
Robert Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Let's leave the demeaning insults at the door please! Please post on topic posts and whether or not a person has implants has nothing whatsoever to do with this topic and if you think it does then just accept the infraction with a smile. Thanks 2
tbf Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Not pervs, just clueless guys skipping first and second gear and moving straight to third. With the proper foundation, there's literally nothing a man can't say to most women today. I've never said criminal, violent or illegal things, but other than that, there's pretty much no limit IME once they feel like a participant in it as opposed to a target of it, and that doesn't usually take much time at all, just a little warmup. Being sexual is the natural order of things, not something to be ashamed of, being crudely sexual without prep is the real issue, not being sexual in itself.I totally agree with this! Sexuality is a natural state for human beings where there's no shame in wanting sex from someone you're attracted to, regardless of gender. But if you overwhelm someone with too much sexuality when they're not even close to that level of comfort, there can be negative backlash. It's pretty easy to tell how far to go with people, if you observe their reaction to different levels of flirting. This is why some men fail when it comes to dating. They're too busy being internally focused on scripts or baying at the moon, to be patient, relaxed and observant. This is the boundary testing stage where you nudge a little by inferential flirting. If she responds positively, you talk about other amusing things for awhile and then nudge a bit further. The minute you get even a smidge of negativity from her, you back off the tactic, bide your time and continue relaxing and stimulating conversation. When another opportunity presents itself, you start nibbling again but avoiding what caused her to recoil. This is not a game. It's called being socially aware of others and not pushing them too far beyond their comfort zone.
xxoo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 ATTRACTIVE, not necessarily desirable... I think they've proven they're not desirable. Actually, they often say they are looking/dating for marriage and children, and specifically not interested in casual, hence why I engage them in the first place. On the dates themselves, they're perfect, engaging gentlemen. After the date, and without any warning - BAM! - they take it to perve town. But, yeah. I meant that they are only interested in you for sex. Not that they aren't still looking for marriage and children. Men who are looking for a wife may still be interested in sex with women they don't want to date seriously. He probably has a list of women in this category, all while still looking for that "special someone" to marry.
xxoo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 If you want to understand why men do this, think of the possible down sides, and the possible up sides. Possible up side: he gets lucky (I bet it happens more than you'd think) Possible down side: ????? Really nothing negative is likely to happen, other than offending a woman he barely knows and doesn't care about.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Not pervs, just clueless guys skipping first and second gear and moving straight to third. With the proper foundation, there's literally nothing a man can't say to most women today. I've never said criminal, violent or illegal things, but other than that, there's pretty much no limit IME once they feel like a participant in it as opposed to a target of it, and that doesn't usually take much time at all, just a little warmup. Being sexual is the natural order of things, not something to be ashamed of, being crudely sexual without prep is the real issue, not being sexual in itself. Of course not. I was probably about as horny as most of the guys doing OLD. But I have no interest in starting a dating relationship on a purely sexual level. A guy opening with sexual comments and a picture of his cock is the equivalent of a woman starting off talking about marriage and sending him a pic of the engagement ring she likes. It reduces the whole thing to a meaningless transaction that any warm body could fulfill. 5
johan Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 There is a simple way to self help your way out of the quandary you created. Don't date "perves." Don't talk to them. Don't contact them in anyway. It is too easy to spot them. There are no excuses. Yeah, Star. Why did you date these pervs in the first place? You can't tell by looking at a guy whether he's a perv? Did you miss where they checked the "I'm a perv" option on their profiles? If any stranger ever surprises you with strange behavior, remember it's your own fault. 6
sweetjasmine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Right! Me finishing a marathon, me skiing, me on the top of Half Dome, me at birthday brunch with friends... ...I'm asking for it! I deserve to be treated this way! Thanks, everyone. Have you considered not being female? If you hadn't decided to be a woman, then none of this would be happening to you. Duh! () 6
xxoo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 If they weren't clueless, they would be doing it in a way that she might respond to favorably, modifying their behavior in a minor way to have much higher probablility of favorable response or participation. It's not any startling insight that blunt crudeness doesn't work. My point is that it's not a matter of innate perversion "out there," that's childish priggy thinking. We are all adults here and have almost certainly said and done all kinds of overtly sexual, graphic things, and not always in longterm or established relationships. But usually respond once we feel -invited- to participate willingly rather than have it blasted at us. I don't like unsolicited nude shots from women I'm dating either, when it's happened, I'm like "please... show some imagination, I'm not -that- easy." But I don't think those women are "pervs." I object to there being a bunch of "pervs out there" trying to get at women, men or anyone else. They are simply incompetent in initiating sexplay and showing inexperience, not "pervs" IMO. If it is the word "perv" you are objecting to, I don't have a dog in that fight. Whatever. But I don't think this behavior, in an attractive man in late 30s, is attributable to inexperience. He does it because it works sometimes, and he avoids any accusation of leading a woman on.
sweetkiwi Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Star- Have you tried being not so pretty? How about not so hot? Because you must be giving off these mega sexy vibes just by smiling or laughing . Some of these "it's her fault" comments sound like the excuses rapists use. Sheer brilliance . 3
Southern Cal Dude Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Star- Have you tried being not so pretty? How about not so hot? Because you must be giving off these mega sexy vibes just by smiling or laughing . Some of these "it's her fault" comments sound like the excuses rapists use. Sheer brilliance . She's not the one sending the pics, but something that's happening on a somewhat semi-regular basis indicates a pattern. Like I said earlier, I constantly get asked for cigarettes and lighters. Is it fair to blame everyone else? Or am I doing something that's causing it?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 xxoo and daesin: Cock shot got out of a 10 year relationship just under 3 years ago. He's only been dating for the last year or so. The other guy had been in a relationship for 6 years and broke up in late February (?) or so. So, it very well could be a sort of inexperience with re-entering the dating pool? Dunno.
xxoo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 OK, let's say he isn't stupid, even if it works sometimes, it is surely a low % endeavor. How many dickpix does he have to send to get a "Ooo I like that big boy, bring it on over?" Whereas he could simply lay a bit of foundation and have 80-90% of the women he meets -ask him- to involve them in graphic talk or sexplay, initiate it even. Now this guy may be a Weiner type with issues, or just a clueless guy of whatever age. My experience is that even the most enthusiastic, eager women would prefer most any kind of graphic talk or pic other than c-ckshot. I still vote dumbass. The guy in the OP didn't send a d!ck pic. He just sent out feelers for a booty call.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 IIRC this was a guy SG dated a couple times? Or was this another one? I had ONE date with all of the guys mentioned in the OP, and the sexual behavior happened AFTER that date - either literally on the way home, or months later after no contact.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Star- Have you tried being not so pretty? How about not so hot? Because you must be giving off these mega sexy vibes just by smiling or laughing . Some of these "it's her fault" comments sound like the excuses rapists use. Sheer brilliance . Yup, exactly right. I'm "asking for it." 3
Phoe Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Sorry about the creepers Star. I suppose I consider myself lucky that I've never experienced this pervy behavior. No unsolicited sex messages have ever come my way, and I can imagine if they DID I'd be just as put off as you are.
sweetkiwi Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 She's not the one sending the pics, but something that's happening on a somewhat semi-regular basis indicates a pattern. Like I said earlier, I constantly get asked for cigarettes and lighters. Is it fair to blame everyone else? Or am I doing something that's causing it? If you're smoking then yes. If you're not then people have a need they're gambling you'll fulfil. Star isn't being sexual with these men ("smoking"). And yet they are sending her cock pictures and being sexual. They're trying to see if she'll give in. That in itself isn't "bad" but it is disrespectful. And from what I gather unwanted. It's happened to me too. With men I barely know. It happens to a lot of single women I'm sure. And I love sex!!! If I want a cock shot I'll ask. But that's pretty rare. And usually I've already had sex with the man. 2
Author Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Sorry about the creepers Star. I suppose I consider myself lucky that I've never experienced this pervy behavior. No unsolicited sex messages have ever come my way, and I can imagine if they DID I'd be just as put off as you are. Thanks. I never used to get them; it's like there's been some sort of summer fever or something. Bizarre. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 And I love sex!!! If I want a cock shot I'll ask. But that's pretty rare. And usually I've already had sex with the man. I don't want a picture of it until/unless I've seen and handled it in person. 2
xxoo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 They want sex. Would it be better if they pretend to want a relationship to get it? 1
Southern Cal Dude Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 If you're smoking then yes. If you're not then people have a need they're gambling you'll fulfil. Star isn't being sexual with these men ("smoking"). And yet they are sending her cock pictures and being sexual. They're trying to see if she'll give in. That in itself isn't "bad" but it is disrespectful. And from what I gather unwanted. It's happened to me too. With men I barely know. It happens to a lot of single women I'm sure. And I love sex!!! If I want a cock shot I'll ask. But that's pretty rare. And usually I've already had sex with the man. But you're proving my point. I'm obviously doing something that attracts such attention. Vibe, clothing, body language. Something, anything. An isolated incident here or there is one thing. But something that's happening on a semi-regular basis indicates a pattern. Same thing here. Could be vibe, clothing, body language, or anything else. You can't expect something to happen in the form of a pattern and not take personal accountability.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 On the one hand, I feel like someone must have told these men it was a good idea to act this way, by "someone" I mean someone they dated or had a relationship with. On the other hand, maybe they just are not wired correctly. That, back when there weren't cell phone cameras, they simply sent Polaroids via snail mail to women they were interested in. Or, maybe the ease of cell phone cameras makes them less likely to sit and think about it before acting. Who knows. I just came back from lunch with a very good (female) friend of mine. A guy we both know has been off and on hitting on her via text (sometimes sexting though with no pictures) despite the fact that she has told him that she has a boyfriend, and now ignores his texts. This is a guy that for as long as I can remember has always had an easy time finding dates. So either he hides his creepy behavior very well, or he happens to find a market for his behavior.
Recommended Posts