My BiPolar Girlfriend wants to be friends?!?!?

[Maria27]

Hello everyone!! This is my first time ever posting something like this so I will try to include the vital details without going on forever.

So about five years ago my current girlfriend and I were best friends. I was always in love with her but we both dated men and she had been married three times, so we remained great friends for about two years. When she got back with her third husband we sort of lost touch for about a year. It was the worst year of my life to this point.

After she left her husband, again, she said she realized how much she loved and missed me in the time we had been apart. We moved back in together, still seeing men, just friends. About a year after we moved back in together, she fell in love with me, the way I had always loved her.

We have been in a relationship for almost three years, during which, I have gone through every up and down with her. I've never cheated on her, although I was always under some sort of suspicion. I have basically cut ties with my friends and avoid making new ones because I don't want to upset her or cause problems. I have worked for the past two years while we have been in school and I busted my butt to provide for us, because her bipolar had cycled and she spent that time avoiding public or other people, basically.

In September of last year, we moved in with her father, after her stepmother suddenly passed. No one in her family knows about us so we spend each day trying to convince everyone that we are just friends, but we have been talking of marriage for over a year.

In June, she got a call from a friend asking her to come back to work as a manager. She is a great manager, and I know it will do wonders for her self esteem, so, obviously, I am 100% behind her. She has to attend a training class about two hours from our house, for eight weeks. It has already been five weeks, thank god, because I feel like everything has changed! At first she would text me and call me baby and princess etc. but now her texts are short, far between and do not usually include terms of endearment. The weekend of my birthday, (I got to see her after two weeks) she told me about a hypothetical conversation she had with her roommate about cheating. She told her roommate that if she wanted to sleep with a man, she would just call and tell me. Although I would rather die than think of her stepping out on me, when I fell in love with her, she had multiple men only a phone call away. She is a bit heavier than me and I understand wanting to feel small in someone's arms, and I cannot do that for her. I explained that I would be hurt, but that I love her and we would get through anything, together. After the weekend, we spent half the week texting, with her saying things like "You deserve better than me, someone without bipolar." She keeps saying that she sitting to be more of herself, which I support, but she says the more she is herself the worse she thinks she would treat me.

The very next week, she is telling me that she misses her best friend. Although I sure miss mine too, I miss my girlfriend more!! She wants me to stop being so affectionate (I'd like to remind everyone that we live in a homophobic environment...) and to stop commenting on things like her girlfriend would.

I have been through so much with this woman, I have committed myself to this relationship, time and again. I want her to be happy and if us being friends is what she wants, I will be her friend. In the process, however, my heart will be broken.

Since it is always asked, she was diagnosed 16 years ago (shes 34, I'm 27) with bipolar and borderline personality disorder and spent many years on meds that "didn't work" or made her gain weight. She mentioned getting back on meds about three weeks ago, but nothing since. It is a very hard subject to talk with her about because she believes she has it all under control.

I just don't know what to do!! I've been calling her baby less and less and she's been texting and calling less and less. My heart is slowly breaking, I just want things to go back to how they were 2 months ago.

I am sorry I went on forever, but there's no one for me to talk to about anything, anymore. I would really appreciate any help or advice on this.

[Maria27]

I understand that the cards are stacked against us, but I honestly believe she's my soulmate and I really do want to make her as happy as I can, whether that means being her girlfriend, best friend, becoming her wife, or leaving her alone completely. I love her completely. I have accepted that she has these cycles, been through quite a few of them in five years, but it's never involved her pushing me away. I just don't know the best course of action here. Do I appease her and just be her friend, while my heart breaks silently in secret? Do I question her about what is happening? I don't want to make her feel like I'm desperately clinging to our relationship, especially since I'm not sure if there even is one anymore. Do I talk to her about going to seek help? And if so, how in the world should I go about that, to avoid hurting the person most important to me?

[Maria27]

And btw...she said that she hasn't loved any man, or anyone, the way she loves me. In her marriages, she did exactly what she wanted, when she wanted, regardless of how it made anyone else feel. Maybe I'm fooling myself...

[Maria27]

Honestly, I've met all three of those men, and I can't say I blame her for leaving them. I trust her enough to give all of myself to her because she has been loyal and stood by me through so rough stuff, when she didn't have to. If she was going to do to me what she "did" to them (making herself happy) she already would have. She is a strikingly beautiful woman, with lots of confidence that can basically sleep with whomever she wants. (Not being big headed about my girl, I've seen it) If she wanted to step out on me, she has had plenty of opportunity and I would never ask a thing because she is out of town, how would I know? I guess the answer to your question is a mixture of love, trust and hope are the things that make me think I'm different.

[Maria27]

Well, Tom, I'm glad I could help you to learn something today. My question is on this board because I don't know if this behavior is common with bipolar people. I understand that some people do push others away because of a tendency to feel as if they cannot give them what they deserve. I have heard my girlfriend in tears, telling me how worthless she is and that she doesn't deserve someone like me, recently. I am reaching out to see if there is someone that would offer some advice on how to help.

[Maria27]

Thank you for the replies!! Travelingartist, don't worry, you weren't harsh, at all. I completely agree with what you said. I have been taking a long look in the mirror, and have realized that I have always had issues with codependency. Being raised in a family of alcoholics, I have always been both the people pleaser and silenced from expressing my needs or wants. I have done a lot of research on the subject, and though I believe it isn't causing all of the issue, it is definitely making things much worse.

I have talked to my girlfriend and we have decided that we both need to step outside our relationship to establish a social CIRCLE, instead of a line haha. Of corse, she is in a manic stage right now so she is having no problem making new friends and having a great time.

While I've gotten past the fact that she is having more fun now (being herself as she put it) than she has the three years we have been together, I'm having trouble creating clear boundaries. I think I should be upset if our only communication is through text and i wait up to 3 hours on a response, but maybe if I was doing something in y own life, that wouldn't be the case. I've never had good relationships and after learning about my codependency issues, I see why.

I am really trying to focus on how to stop my own negativity, for now. It's really hard for me to go out or do anything because I don't have a license and besides, she has our car. So I really appreciate everyone's advice, it may not be what I wanted to hear, but I think the truth is much more valuable.

If anyone has any advice on how I should go about getting to know the me that never has been, or how to handle setting up new boundaries in my relationship, I would greatly appreciate that as well. Thanks to everyone!! Happy Monday!

[almond]

She is unstable.

 

There is a general consensus amongst some that an unmedicated bipolar is unable to maintain a healthy, loving relationship. Unfortunately, this often rings true. The addition of the borderline personality disorder will only further complicate this, and may do so significantly.

 

Basically, it is highly likely that you are setting yourself up for a world of pain here. Your partner must commit to treatment 110%, or you should walk. The fact that your partner's bipolar "cycled" and she was unable to work for two years is of concern. You speak as though her manic and depressive cycles are acceptable and okay, but they really aren't. They are dangerous, and can easily escalate. There is also some evidence that being in a state of mania can induce brain damage to some degree. Manic cycles must be prevented as soon as there are signs. Same with depressive. You need a psychiatrist on board, as well as a therapist qualified to deal with all of this. Both you and your partner are out of your leagues here.

 

To be honest - you do not appear to be looking at this logically. Your partner is ill, and I would hazard a guess that it is impacting you quite negatively. You will burn out. You will deteriorate. You will forget who you are. I hate to jump to conclusions based upon such limited information, but I suggest that you take a look at codependency and see if it is applicable here. You need to start being conscious of what is happening with yourself first, and your partner second. You need to ensure that you are not enabling her, and encouraging her to stay ill. Please do some research into bipolar, as well as borderline. Once you are aware of what you are actually dealing with here, I feel (and hope) that your perspective will change dramatically.

 

Bipolar is a very, very serious mental illness that needs to be treated. The borderline also needs to be managed. Medication and specialised therapy is generally what is required.

 

Get your partner to a psychiatrist ASAP. There are many, many medications out there, and whilst it may take some time for her to find the right one, she must persist with treatment. Bipolar tends to get worse as time goes by - I fear that you been subjected to only a fraction of it. Untreated bipolar can be downright dangerous.

 

You need to address this immediately, and to be blunt - you both need a reality check. This situation is not sustainable nor healthy. It is serious, and medical intervention is required. This goes well beyond relationship issues, and I hope you can change your approach.

 

Please PM me or post here if you need to talk or require some links to additional resources - I have some experience in these matters.

Edited August 27, 2013 by almond