SkyWheel Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I outlined my story a couple months ago. Brief summary: we'd been together almost 4 years, had talked marriage, moving in together, etc. He'd been hard on himself for a while, decided shortly after graduation that he was very overwhelmed and needed time to sort himself out, said something like we'd talk at the end of the summer. I strongly suspected he was depressed but wanted to give him the space he asked for. We were primarily a LDR, each others' first everything. I kept more than 2 months of silence, and, when I finished my internship, finally decided to contact him. We Skyped for more than 3 hours. Most of it was like talking to a wall. Me: How are you? Him: *shakes head* Me: Same as you were? Him: I guess so. It's just been a long summer... Me: What do you mean? Him: Just not good. Not a fun time. Not gonna get better anytime soon. Me: What's going through your head? Him: Nothing. Me: I just don't wanna give up on all our promises. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea that you're just not in an ok place mentally. I've been trying to wrap my head around that all summer. And there's some part of me that just keeps screaming "What the **** happened?" because I don't know. Like I told you at the break up, I could've seen that you needed some time to sort yourself out but I still want you in my life. Him: I can't see us getting back together. Me: Why not? Him: *deep sigh* Just can't go back. I don't know. Me: What happened to us? Him: Maybe it was me. I don't know. Me: So we have 7 months left to wait and you dump me. Him: I just can't do that anymore. I'm sorry. I'd be lying to myself, lying to you. Life just sucks right now. That's the way it is. That's how it's gonna be. Me: Part of me still believes that you're determined to make yourself miserable so you're pushing me away. Him: If that's the case then is pushing you away a bad thing? You don't want to be with me Me: Of course I want to be with you! I love you, more than anything, you know that. I would do anything for you. Me: I...I just wish I knew what was going on in your head. I still...I still think we can make it work but...was it something I did? Was it something...? Him: *shakes head no* Me: Have you just..lost your faith that... Him: Things aren't the way they were before. It's no good pretending they are. Me: What do you mean before? Him: When I was a stupid high school kid. Me: You...everybody changes in college, but my love for you hasn't changed. I promise you that. I don't know if your love for me changed. You said you still loved me when we broke up. That's what's kept me holding on this summer. Him: *sigh* I'm still trying to sort everything out right now. It's worse than it ever was. I thought it'd get better this summer. It got worse. I asked him numerous times to go see a doctor, that I suspected this was depression. He refused each time. He kept his head down about 90% of the time. He said his affection for me had faded over time and was now non-existent, although he still held physical attraction for me. He looked utterly miserable and pointed out how he had no friends there and everything sucked and it wasn't going to get any better. He made excuses about not being able to quit the degree he complained about and said how he hadn't done hardly anything all summer. I'm at this point where I, instinctively, know I did everything I could. I wanted it to work. I admit I begged. I did everything I could possibly think of to make him smile and try to cheer him up, but to very little avail. I talked to his mom the next day and told her my concerns. She agrees that it sounds as though there's something wrong, but she had her doubts about being able to get through to him. They're 600 miles apart and he's great at isolating. I'm taking care of myself, controlling what I can--me--and working out again, trying to finish up my degree and find a great job for when I graduate in December, spending time with friends and keeping busy. I'm no longer in that anxious place of wanting him to contact me, but I'm sad that I couldn't help him. I did all that was possible, right?
Knoxpwns Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I outlined my story a couple months ago. Brief summary: we'd been together almost 4 years, had talked marriage, moving in together, etc. He'd been hard on himself for a while, decided shortly after graduation that he was very overwhelmed and needed time to sort himself out, said something like we'd talk at the end of the summer. I strongly suspected he was depressed but wanted to give him the space he asked for. We were primarily a LDR, each others' first everything. I kept more than 2 months of silence, and, when I finished my internship, finally decided to contact him. We Skyped for more than 3 hours. Most of it was like talking to a wall. Me: How are you? Him: *shakes head* Me: Same as you were? Him: I guess so. It's just been a long summer... Me: What do you mean? Him: Just not good. Not a fun time. Not gonna get better anytime soon. Me: What's going through your head? Him: Nothing. Me: I just don't wanna give up on all our promises. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea that you're just not in an ok place mentally. I've been trying to wrap my head around that all summer. And there's some part of me that just keeps screaming "What the **** happened?" because I don't know. Like I told you at the break up, I could've seen that you needed some time to sort yourself out but I still want you in my life. Him: I can't see us getting back together. Me: Why not? Him: *deep sigh* Just can't go back. I don't know. Me: What happened to us? Him: Maybe it was me. I don't know. Me: So we have 7 months left to wait and you dump me. Him: I just can't do that anymore. I'm sorry. I'd be lying to myself, lying to you. Life just sucks right now. That's the way it is. That's how it's gonna be. Me: Part of me still believes that you're determined to make yourself miserable so you're pushing me away. Him: If that's the case then is pushing you away a bad thing? You don't want to be with me Me: Of course I want to be with you! I love you, more than anything, you know that. I would do anything for you. Me: I...I just wish I knew what was going on in your head. I still...I still think we can make it work but...was it something I did? Was it something...? Him: *shakes head no* Me: Have you just..lost your faith that... Him: Things aren't the way they were before. It's no good pretending they are. Me: What do you mean before? Him: When I was a stupid high school kid. Me: You...everybody changes in college, but my love for you hasn't changed. I promise you that. I don't know if your love for me changed. You said you still loved me when we broke up. That's what's kept me holding on this summer. Him: *sigh* I'm still trying to sort everything out right now. It's worse than it ever was. I thought it'd get better this summer. It got worse. I asked him numerous times to go see a doctor, that I suspected this was depression. He refused each time. He kept his head down about 90% of the time. He said his affection for me had faded over time and was now non-existent, although he still held physical attraction for me. He looked utterly miserable and pointed out how he had no friends there and everything sucked and it wasn't going to get any better. He made excuses about not being able to quit the degree he complained about and said how he hadn't done hardly anything all summer. I'm at this point where I, instinctively, know I did everything I could. I wanted it to work. I admit I begged. I did everything I could possibly think of to make him smile and try to cheer him up, but to very little avail. I talked to his mom the next day and told her my concerns. She agrees that it sounds as though there's something wrong, but she had her doubts about being able to get through to him. They're 600 miles apart and he's great at isolating. I'm taking care of myself, controlling what I can--me--and working out again, trying to finish up my degree and find a great job for when I graduate in December, spending time with friends and keeping busy. I'm no longer in that anxious place of wanting him to contact me, but I'm sad that I couldn't help him. I did all that was possible, right? Sweetheart, what else could you have done? You can't make someone else change, even more so when they don't want to change themselves. There is two possibilities here; He stopped loving you (its happened to a lot of us here, myself included) and he is faking "depression" to get you at a distance, or He really is depressed, but is unwilling to accept that it is what it is, and refuses help. Either way, there is nothing you can do for him right now if he is going to be hard headed about it. Sounds you got the right idea. work on YOU, and perhaps, if it was depression, someday when he gets his ducks in a row, you guys can take a second swing at it as happier people. Don't take this as false hope, just saying none of us know what this world has in store for us.
NomiMalone Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Skywheel, sounds to me like you were talking to a brick wall indeed. There's very little point in trying to sort things out/attempt a reconciliation when the other party won't, or isn't capable of coming to the table like a mature responsible adult. It's difficult to accept that you can't change someone. Looks like that may be all he's able to offer and that sure as hell isn't good enough. You cannot have a relationship with someone who wont communicate. And yes, sounds like he has some form of depression, but it's up to him to get the help he needs. You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink. 2
Soat Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Please read my signature link. He doesn't want to be with you. I know it's hard but give it time. This guy sounds horrible stop wasting your time.
Author SkyWheel Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 Thanks for the support everyone. I'm getting more to a place of acceptance with it. He used to be this happy, hopeful, optimistic and strong young man. I was talking to that man's ghost. I hate to say it, but I feel that I know how to deal with more bs from life than he does. All he seems to be doing is isolating and trying to make things harder on himself. I don't know that he loves himself, so how could he possibly love me? Part of me, in a strange way, wants me to hit a bottom (yes, alluding to AA literature there) so that he does have to face things. I don't see how else it'll happen, because right now he is merely running away and avoiding things.
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