It is done

August 23, 2013

So... I just did it. I ended it with my MM. There was complete silence in his car over the 15 mile drive home. I was crying silent tears the entire time. He didn't say anything. For the first time in our two years together, instead of dropping me off one block away, he dropped me off in front of my house. All he said was "I'm sorry." I asked him if there was any hope or future for us and he says, "I don't know." He told me that he loves me. I just wrote a very angry entry in my journal swearing at him for all that he's done to me. I didn't mention NC to him but I noticed that the first thing I did when I got home was bust out my phone. I know that I'm still hoping for some word from him. I want to be over him, though. I want to be mad. I want to hate him so I can move on with my life.

He just texted me and said he's sorry that he can't give me all I want and wishes life were fair and that he could make everyone happy. And of course he said he'll always love me. Great way to make me burst into tears again.

In the past, when I broke up with him, I would fail and give in to my weaknesses and we would get back together. He got tired of me breaking up with him every other weekend, and then he got depressed for a spell. I intend on making this the last and final break up. He won't have to get tired anymore. This is the last time!

August 23, 2013

I would get the same sort of response "I love you, but don't know what the future holds" or "I love you, but don't know what to do with you."

They do love us, but they are married and aren't going to change their lives for us. It is so hard to let go, just stick around and read here. I found this board while desperately seeking anything because I wanted to die and felt alone. Now I'm feeling better, you will also.

I can promise you that if you will stick to this, while the initial pain will get worse at first, you will survive and will feel stronger each day. You will feel more empowered each day you do not call or text him.

Glad you had the strength to do this. You deserve a real relationship. If you are married, can you work on it? If not married, then you will find someone deserving of you. Hang in there.

August 23, 2013

Thank you Daisy. I hope that you are pain-free and happy! I am single. I am sad that I used up two full years of loving him only for it all to be a waste. I hope that I have the will and courage to stay away!

I work with him but rarely see him at work so that's a plus, I guess... When I broke up with him in the past, I would secretly hope that we could still somehow be together. After voraciously reading LS forums, I decided that two years would be my ultimate timeline, especially because six months into our relationship, MM said that "something" was supposed to happen at the two year mark. Nothing over the past 2 years pointed to him changing his life for me, but I hoped that he would miraculously follow through. All lies.

August 23, 2013

No, not pain free and happy at all. Too early in our ending, but am growing stronger. Good for you sticking with your timeline, that takes courage! Since you are single, the world is your oyster...I hope you can get out and moving along to what you deserve.

August 23, 2013

Its a very hard road ahead of you but you can come out stronger. I understand the weak moments, you'll have many. Set yourself small goals of NC. 1 day. Then 2 days. I think when people think NO contact forever, it's a tough thing to accept. But if you get thru day 1, look at it as your first step. The steps get easier to climb as time goes by.

Posting on here and keeping a journal are great things. You could also write how youre feeling now, lonely, scared, anxious, hurt There will be days when all you think about is talking to him or remembering the good times, look at your list of emotions then, it'll help you remember why you need to stay NC.

I'm a year past the end of my A. I go days, weeks without thinking of him. And if he does cross my mind, the way I felt a year ago brings me back to reality. I wasted 3 yrs on a man I loved who had a great, fun, sexy A that ended when his BW found out and he threw me under the bus and showed me what he really felt for me.... Nothing. That's a tough thing to accept but once I did, it was easier to move on

Your A ended without a d-day (if I read correctly) so you may not have had the ugly, mean, hurtful things said to you I did, but one of the things I've learned here on LS is that if he really wanted to be with you, he would make it happen. He would leave his BW.

You're a single woman. Go out. Have fun.

August 23, 2013

I would get the same sort of response "I love you, but don't know what the future holds" or "I love you, but don't know what to do with you."

They do love us, but they are married and aren't going to change their lives for us. It is so hard to let go, just stick around and read here. I found this board while desperately seeking anything because I wanted to die and felt alone. Now I'm feeling better, you will also.

I can promise you that if you will stick to this, while the initial pain will get worse at first, you will survive and will feel stronger each day. You will feel more empowered each day you do not call or text him.

Glad you had the strength to do this. You deserve a real relationship. If you are married, can you work on it? If not married, then you will find someone deserving of you. Hang in there.

Exact phrase I would get. I don't know what to do with you. I would always say I can't tell you that. You need to decide yourself.

Be strong,and one day you will feel better about it all OP x

August 23, 2013

WELL DONE :) !!!

Its really hard, I know but it will be for the best in the end. You had so much courage to take the step to end it and heal yourself

Big hugs

(P.S. Its friday...hope you plan on getting your dancing shoes on and doing something fun tonight )

August 23, 2013

Please do not delude yourself that he loves you. He does not.

If he loved you, he would not make you suffer.

It's attraction, affection, ego massaging (his ego), lust, call it what you want, but not love.

Love knows always what to do. I have never, ever been in love and not known what to do with the person I loved. Have you?

August 23, 2013

Thank you, to all, for your responses. (I had no D-day.) Also, I initially did have a timeline set at one year. Obviously I failed at that one. Today, I pretty much cried all day. I didn't want to stay home tonight because I knew that I would just lament and sign onto Skype and wish that we were chatting. I wonder if there's ever a thing such as crying so much that you have no tears left. I hope so. I think that my face is going to get raw. Anyway, I have two friends who know about my situation. I called one and spoke to her for two hours, and that actually made me stop crying, which I am grateful for. MM texted me a total of 3x so far, the last two messages saying that he misses me. Should I text him back and tell him that I want NC? I'm afraid, though. Part of me secretly wants him to keep texting so I know that he is suffering or at least missing me. The other part of me wants to go full NC. I haven't responded, but I am tempted to reply... as you can see, my head knows that I should not respond, but my heart wants him to keep talking to me. Even if I don't respond back, I want his text. Even if I start tearing again every time I read it.

One thing I noticed is when I was walking at the mall today, I didn't cry for a full 30 minutes. I had a time limit so I was focused on getting the things that I needed and that kept me from thinking of him. I need a project or something to occupy my mind. In my past life, I would not even consider ever going on a date with someone who I wasn't attracted to. At this point in time, I'm willing to try anything to distract me. I'd go on a date with someone just to feel normal, to feel like a regular human being, to know what it's like to go out in public without feeling like my partner is ashamed of being seen with me.

I was/am fully in love with MM. It hurts to think that he never truly loved me... I am in a dark place so I'm not sure what is true/false. It's hard to accept the fact that I may have just been duped and used. Maybe that is what I HAVE to believe in order for me to get angry and rid him from my thoughts.

August 23, 2013

Dont text him back xx Texting him back is breaking NC to go NC you need to ignore him. Texting back prolongs the pain.

You are already feeling a little better and having periods where you focus, you focus on chatting with friends, doing what you needed at the mall. Each day you focus, focus on getting on, doing what you need to do to get through the day. Surround yourself with as many people as you can and move forward. I also found that if I called friends to chat setting myself a 10 minute moan period about him and my situation helped then after that we had to have normal conversation, making plans etc. It helped because each call I made to friends ended on a positive note.

Its hard. You will have moments of weakness, you will feel sick, spinney headed but honestly each day does get easier. You have to tell yourself that you mean it and this time any contact is painful and futile. I deleted immediately all numbers. All family numbers. All ways of contacting him. I deleted him from social networking, email, im. Every conversation we had I got rid off. I do not feel yet that I want to delete all the photos I have because alot were good times that in time I would love to relive but what I did do is move them to a secret vault area on my phone that has to be accessed by a password. So far 3 weeks later I have had no urge to look at them or relive any of it and it really has helped.

You will get through this pain and come out the other side free to love someone who is free to love you back x

August 23, 2013

You could text him saying : "get in touch when you are single"

And then, do not hold your breath

August 23, 2013

That's not true. They do love you, in their own way. Just not enough and they love their BS more or it's hard to leave what your comfortable with especially for men.

Anyway whilst harsh words help us see the light I think posters underestimate the feelings the OM has . Yes it's his ego and he loves how you make him feel but In the bubble they think they love their OW.

Still love or not he won't chose you , and that's the bottom line. It hurts I know.

Well done for ending it. It will take time but you have dignity and courage xx

August 23, 2013

Seriously? Still with the story "in their own way"? There is no one way or two ways, there is love where you want to live with the other person and share everything with him/her and there's this other thing they call love which is fun only in the imaginary world of make believe. I can also say I'm rich because I won the lottery in my fantasies, but that does not make it true in the REAL world..

August 23, 2013

Loving me in his own way doesn't mean shi*.

"his way" is saying what he knew what I wanted to hear to keep me around. Thats not love. He had lots of lust for me, but not love. His way was not love.

If he'd loved me, he'd have left for me.

Please don't try to convince every OW the xMM really loved them. That does no good.

August 23, 2013

Loving me in his own way doesn't mean shi*.
"his way" is saying what he knew what I wanted to hear to keep me around. Thats not love. He had lots of lust for me, but not love. His way was not love.

If he'd loved me, he'd have left for me.

Please don't try to convince every OW the xMM really loved them. That does no good.

Thing is they think they love us. But I think what they call love is very different to what we would define as love. So it is impossible for us to really understand their way of thinking. You can go crazy thinking did he love me or not? In the end I think you have to just try not to think about it, as there will be no answer.

August 23, 2013

Every situation is different. You Are not the man in question or anyone else's OM so please do not try and pretend you know how someone else feels.

I'm not leading OP on or giving her hope. But I think it's just as harmful to say you were just a lust object or a piece of skirt. Some people's EA were all emotional so that does not apply.

August 23, 2013

Every situation is different. You Are not the man in question or anyone else's OM so please do not try and pretend you know how someone else feels.

I'm not leading OP on or giving her hope. But I think it's just as harmful to say you were just a lust object or a piece of skirt. Some people's EA were all emotional so that does not apply.

I agree. I think some of us would do anything for love. but other people weigh up the situation and though they may indeed love the OW or OM they will not ultimately rock the boat too much. They will not turn,their life around. Like some people will leave an unhappy marriage, others won't. Whether there is another person involved or not.

August 23, 2013

That's right there's no harm thinking the OM had feelings for you, the focus needs to be that he's not leaving for you and you are not no1 in his life

You need to be free to focus on yourself rebuilding your self esteem then attracting a new man who thinks you're no1 and one you don't have to share.

August 23, 2013

Yes, but this might make you a person who actually thinks that love looks and feels like what you had from the MM. Which is not the case.

Better wipe the slate clean and pretend he never existed. Or better that he existed and was the scum of the earth.

At least, I think this will make your recovery a lot quicker.

August 23, 2013

Yes, but this might make you a person who actually thinks that love looks and feels like what you had from the MM. Which is not the case.
Better wipe the slate clean and pretend he never existed. Or better that he existed and was the scum of the earth.
At least, I think this will make your recovery a lot quicker.

I guess it is different for each individual. I don't want to think he just wanted me for sex, say. That would make me feel even worse. I think my xMM did love me. But in his way, how he understands love. But that is different to how I would define love. So in the end it would not work whatever. I still think he was an arsehole for all the lies but it was something that happened. I'm 44 now, I think every man I have had a relationship with has seen love in different ways. I don't really want to hate him, or completely forget. I just want to feel indifferent.

August 23, 2013

Every situation is different. You Are not the man in question or anyone else's OM so please do not try and pretend you know how someone else feels.

I'm not leading OP on or giving her hope. But I think it's just as harmful to say you were just a lust object or a piece of skirt. Some people's EA were all emotional so that does not apply.

But are you not doing the same thing you're telling me not to do. You cannot pretend to be every MM.

Some people may need to believe xMM loved them to deal with things. I do not. He showed me who he really was in the A. A lying POS Whether he thought he loved me or not doesnt matter to me anymore. His actions showed me who he was.

I think someone coming on here saying "but he really did love you" is not healthy. Especially for a person who has decided to end things and is not sure how they'll handle NC. She ended things because her time line she'd given herself had passed and her xMM had not changed things. I don't think she needs to hear "but he really did love you in his own way"

August 23, 2013

That's not true. They do love you, in their own way. Just not enough and they love their BS more or it's hard to leave what your comfortable with especially for men.
Anyway whilst harsh words help us see the light I think posters underestimate the feelings the OM has . Yes it's his ego and he loves how you make him feel but In the bubble they think they love their OW.

Still love or not he won't chose you , and that's the bottom line. It hurts I know.
Well done for ending it. It will take time but you have dignity and courage xx

It's not about the BS or the OW. OW need to stop comparing themselves and the love to the BS. Unless a MM is the rare exception who truly reinvests in his marriage or ends the marriage, it's all about them.

Most MM love THEMSELVES more than anyone.

August 23, 2013

It's not about the BS or the OW. OW need to stop comparing themselves and the love to the BS. Unless a MM is the rare exception who truly reinvests in his marriage or ends the marriage, it's all about them.

Most MM love THEMSELVES more than anyone.

I think many MM love themselves more than anyone, but the brutal ones also hate themselves more than anyone as well....

August 23, 2013

Every situation is different. But in the end it does not matter if they loved us because it's not just about them. Something is broken in all of us to get involved in these situations in the first place. I took my time in NC to figure out what that was and i'm still working on it. Maybe he loved you maybe he didn't, but you don't love yourself enough.

August 23, 2013

What the ap thought/felt/promised/said simply does not matter. Their actions do.

That is a truth for everyone one of us. Its the only way to live your life...through our actions..towards ourselves and towards others. When our actions do not align with our thoughts/promises/feelings/self respect that is when we get into trouble.

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