Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Hey Everyone, Would appreciate hearing if this has happened to anyone else, or if there are any words of wisdom to help me make sense of everything. My Ex GF and I broke up after 10 years together, immediately after she was telling everyone she was dating someone new- who happened to be her ex boyfriend from before we met, 12 years ago. This was hard on my ego, and I didn't understand because the guy is a turd and she trashed him for years, but I got over it. I was seeing other women already, not dating but having lots of sex which helped. However, recently she just told me that she was pregnant, and I figured out that it happened about 2 months after we broke up. What makes this more harsh, is that she basically did it on purpose and is happy about it. I wasn't going to give her a baby anytime soon, and I know she wanted one, but this just happened so fast that it is really hard to process she would do something like this. And I have to admit knowing that she is going to have a baby, which will be with her the rest of her life, is extremely difficult to reckon with as I am just getting used to the idea if her being with another dude. I don't know if I could handle seeing her pregnant or with a kid, it just scrambles my brain. I have decided to cut off all contact, but will definitely run into her at some point and the thought makes me feel ill. I want nothing to do with her and am totally separated, but this thing has me twisted and I don't know why or what to do about it. Feel like what I'm writing doesn't even make sense. Thanks in advance, Big P
Versacehottie Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I'm sorry. Not sure that I have any great advice but I can see that this would be super hurtful. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing cutting off all contact. And keep having sex with other girls, that will help...but use a condom
Balzac Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Greetings Pete. Welcome to LS. You mind giving us her approx age? Was she using contraceptives or were you a condom/pull out guy? You stated you weren't handing her your baby batter anytime soon. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 OP Plenty of women at a certain point just want a baby. Ex from 12 years ago may have just been Mr good enough and close enough. Further if you broke up two months ago can you be 100% sure you aren't the daddy? Think of it this way. How would you feel if you were? Would you feel relieved to then be DNA test level sure that you weren't? If the answer to the last question is yes then what is the real problem? In short do you wish you were the father of her baby?
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 She is mid 30's, stopped taking the pill because she said it was " making her crazy" when we were together. I bought condoms second i found out, which was 2 months after she stopped. Said she told me, I didn't hear it. Thank God she didn't get pregnant at time. She wasn't on pill with new guy and didn't make him wear condom, was hoping for " happy accident" , which was no accident.
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 No I don't wish I was father of her baby, don't want her back, don't ant her in my life. That's part of why I m having such a hard time, I'm not sure why I am so upset about it.
barky2 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Why are you having a hard time? Because you spent 10 years with this woman. I've been with mine for 10. If we broke up and she got preggo 2 months later? Holy crap. Not even gonna think about it. Your numb right now. Take the time to heal Keep doing what your doing. Stay the FUG away from that mess!!! She WILL try and drag you back in to play daddy when it doesn't work out with this other joker. Id put a paycheck on it. Change your number, delete ur fb. RUN FOR THE DAMN HILLS!! You my friend, just got a blessing from upstairs with this one. So take advantage... and get out without looking back. I'm so sorry tho bro, deeply....my chest got heavy trying to imagine how I would have reacted if I heard that. Barky 4
Balzac Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 She is mid 30's, stopped taking the pill because she said it was " making her crazy" when we were together. I bought condoms second i found out, which was 2 months after she stopped. Said she told me, I didn't hear it. Thank God she didn't get pregnant at time. She wasn't on pill with new guy and didn't make him wear condom, was hoping for " happy accident" , which was no accident. So she blindsided you. Not good. I'd caution you to believe 20% of what she's reported to you as fact. In USA 50% of pregnancies are unplanned. She may very well have wanted a baby. Equally probable is that you were the responsible party and she put forth no effort at contraception. I view that as on new guy. He's now hit for lowball child support. Meh. She on the other hand may have a 6 figure income and could care less about low ball child support. I'm guessing she's clueless and it's not your task to educate her. I think you might be seeing her now for what you didn't acknowledge before. Love is blind kinda thing. 1
Soat Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Wow I am still trying to handle the concept of dating someone for 10 years! And not wanting to marry them during that time. Why did you "date" this person for so long if it wasn't going anywhere??
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Blindsided me for sure. We stayed dating 10 years because we were happy and in love, kept coming up with different reasons why we didn't need to get married. I think deep down she was scared we would eventually breakup and deep down I thought we prob would at some point. I just never thought in a million years she would run out and get pregnant in 2 months with an ex boyfriend she knew 12 years ago, it seems completely out of character. I guess it could be baby fever + I just don't know this version of her. Thanks for all the comments everyone, it's a bizarre and tough situation for me to be in right now.
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Barky, I really Appreciate hearing that someone else would be crushed in this same situation. She has been acting like it 's totally normal, which has me feeling insane because in my brain it is f'ing nutso 1
D-Lish Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I think you have every reason to feel upset by this, but by your own words- you didn't want to take the next step with her- you didn't want to get married or have children yet. After 10 years, if you weren't ready to take it to the next level- I am not sure why you'd begrudge her the opportunity if that was something she was ready for. You were together 10 years- she could have gone off the pill, not told you, and had a happy accident with you had she chosen to do so. 10 years together, and she was taking the pill until the end. I can only assume from that info that had she wanted to trap you at some point, she could have over a 10 year duration with you. I might have skimmed over valuable info, like why you broke up? Otherwise, you've painted a picture of a woman that hit her prime years that wanted children while you didn't. You can blame her for getting pregnant so quickly- but it doesn't seem like the guy she moved onto was concerned with using protection either. 1
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 No, not as a rejection of me. She is only thinking of herself, I know that.
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 It feels like I am most stuck on images of her being pregnant, giving birth in a hospital, having the Baby home on the couch. I don't want any part of that, and I want her to be happy, but thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. Why is that??? The permanence of it???? I thought I was over her, even though it's just been 4 months since we broke up, this really sucks. I also know why I think she got herself pregnant 2 months after we broke up, including what y'all have said, but the fact she actually did it is so surreal I don't know how to process it.
Balzac Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 You were in love. The breakup is recent. It's painful to see a woman you loved make poor decisions bearing significant, lasting consequences. In your mind it eliminates chances of getting back together. It's not easy after 10 years to hit the delete button on caring. The tragic part is that it sounds as if her choice of sperm donor was unwise. I'd expect you to know about her support system. Maybe that's not solid either. Lots of reasons for you to feel awful. Lots and lots.
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 D-list, you missed the part where I said she DID actually go off the pill and not tell me, I found out months later and luckily she hadn't gotten pregnant yet. She said she mentioned it, but that was a lie.
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 D-lish, you missed the part where I said she actually DID go off the pill and didn't tell me, she said she "mentioned it" but that was a lie. She wanted to have kids with me, I know that.
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Balzac, maybe you are right. Could be I am troubled by her extremely poor choices, I am actually shocked by them so I guess concern is logical. And thank you to everyone who says that the hurt and pain is justified, that makes me feel better.
Balzac Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Face it, we as men are territorial. What she's done is caused you to in some way, matter or not, to have the world see her as your Ex and in a not pretty way.
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I just can't believe the whole thing is really happening
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 And that is probably very true. I am embarrassed that I am sort of tangentially associated to such a disaster and hate that people will feel sorry for me. Everybody is already talking about it, she is going to crow like it's the greatest thing ever and in reality she looks insane to have done this
Author Big Pete Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Talking about it all seems to be helping, thank you all again. Single strangest thing I have ever had to deal with.
Balzac Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 The statistical facts on miscarriage are that it's common. Bad as her choices have been, this may not produce a live birth. That eventuality would also be painful. Give yourself time to feel the pain. I'm sorry you're suffering through this. I hope her family & sperm donor's are able to provide support for her and the child.
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