is being over weight preventing me from being in a relationship?

[PogoStick]

Honestly yes, most likely. I know when I was overweight I certainly wasn't getting much attention and when I did, I damn sure wasn't attracting any quality guys. It may sound shallow, but human beings are shallow creatures after all.

 

Appreciating health and fitness is not any more shallow than wanting someone who is smart, tall, or has a good job.

[colombiana28]

I've been overweight my whole life (5'5, 200 pounds at the heaviest), and I was invisible to men. Even the fat and nerdy ones I crushed on. It greatly diminished my self esteem. I went through high school and college without so much of a glimmer of romantic/sexual interest from boys. I talked to therapists about it, and they told me even if I dropped the weight, I needed to fix myself on the inside to be happy. That if I don't fix my confidence, no amount of weight loss would matter.

 

So there I was, uncomfortable and sweaty, horrible posture, constant plantar faciitis in my foot, wheezing when climbing a flight of stairs, always wearing baggy mens t-shirts and basketball shorts, and being generally miserable. I had done weight watchers since 16 years old and nothing ever stuck. Finally four years ago, around age 22, I mustered the resolve to change. I forced myself to wake up early each morning and follow the couch to 5k running program. Before when I had tried to run, I tried to do too much too soon and developed a chronic foot problem. This time, I really went into it slowly. I ate lots of tuna sandwiches and egg whites and low fat soups. It wasn't easy (especially the changing the eating habits part), but as the weight started to drop my resolve grew stronger. My next fitness journey was running a 5k. Then I did a 90 day round of P90X, which took me from around 185 to 155. (I still do P90X yoga a couple times a week). Working on all those muscles helped my posture and conditioning, my foot no longer cramped up, and I was able to run with greater efficiency.

 

I've done two half marathons over the past two years, and I'm training for a full marathon in New Orleans next year. I went from a size 14 to a size 4, 202 to 128 pounds. The counselor was sort of right. I definitely still have remnants of my poor self esteem, but keeping the weight off makes my confidence increase each day. Being able to go for a leisurely 6 mile run in the evenings increases my confidence. Being pursued by a lot of guys (and yes, being able to be picky and date the ones who are good looking AND have their **** together) increases my confidence. And when I'm confident, I love myself, and that shines through with people even more. I actually feel like I can attract men and women with my energy. Now, many people might say, "But it's the same you, same energy, just in a different body." But it's not. The confidence has made my personality better, I'm less lethargic and cynical, I'm more eager to help others.

 

There's a lot of people who will downplay or even discourage the role that a weight loss can play in your life. For me, it really took losing the weight first before all the positive mental changes really manifested. I guess this is just a word of encouragement, because everyone's journeys are different. Some people get their foot stuck in that self doubt quicksand and no amount of physical change will help who they are inside. But as someone else said, do this for yourself, and trust that as you get healthier and slimmer each week, month, reward yourself with love, never punish yourself. Weight loss is a spiritual journey. And at 5'11, you don't have near the amount to lose that I did.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think it's wishful thinking saying that you're not having any dating problems because of your weight because you need to find the "right" man, however losing weight isn't going to change your self-imagine/esteem, confidence or the way you feel about yourself...and that's what it's really about it when it comes to internally reprogramming how you treat yourself.

 

You get sucked into this mentality of when you were younger or what you've experienced so far and people just tend to stick with that image not realizing how much they can change it, even until they're much older and that's really just not the current situation anymore, but they can't see it. Some people hit a wall and never change, and others grow and develop into someone they actually feel more confident about and feels even more so like them. And everyone's issues/experiences are relative to whatever they faced and went through, so it doesn't have to be weight...some people are attractive most of their life but always felt ugly...uglier than in reality they ever were.

 

I don't think people realize how their internal feelings about themselves can reflect on how others treat and even perceive them...If you feel like crap, If you feel worthless, unattractive and therefore act out at times desperate and with low expectations...then that's exactly what you're going to get in return...people aren't going to treat you better than you treat yourself unless you find someone who's trying to fix you and give you what you can't give yourself.

 

Now it's not about telling yourself you're a super model and just magically fixing the way you see yourself in a different light mentally that will change your "luck"...as much as people think it's like some lottery you win for "love" it's really not, you can create your own "luck", you can have a consistency. It's pretty simple and common what people are attracting to in the dating world and it's different for men and women.

 

For you obviously losing weight is going to increase your dating pool, men are visual and physical attributes count for a lot...that's just the reality, men are viewed more as a whole....success, looks, stability, relationship minded depending on the age/emotional state of the woman, if she's desperate that check list obviously narrows down, just like it does for men...for men you have to look attractive first, then they go down the check-list to see If you've got anything else they want...If you don't they just sleep with you and move on..just because a man beds you doesn't mean he's interested in you in the slightest for the long-term...so gauging whether men find you appealing physically because they will be intimate with you is not the way to go, it's like renting a car...you take it out, put some miles on it, then return it back to the rent-a-car shop..you're not interested in buying the damn thing, It's not the right style you're ultimately looking for, to buy or even lease.

 

If you can't lose the weight, you can hold out for mr right or try to date men with less options and might be overweight as well...ultimately for yourself though losing the weight is more about looking good, it's about changing the way you feel about yourself...that's what increases your actual "value" because everyone will recognize self-confidence, and self-esteem..that radiates from people and those people are treated with more respect and taken more seriously and ultimately just valued more.

 

Like another poster mentioned:

 

"So there I was, uncomfortable and sweaty, horrible posture, constant plantar faciitis in my foot, wheezing when climbing a flight of stairs, always wearing baggy mens t-shirts and basketball shorts, and being generally miserable. I had done weight watchers since 16 years old and nothing ever stuck."

 

That girl wasn't going to cut it for most men, she could have either stayed that way and felt sorry for herself or improved her situation and therefore changed the results she experienced in life because of it...not just dating life.

 

Some people say "love me as I am, I shouldn't have to change for no one", good change for yourself...because I've never really met anyone in my life that actually liked being over weight and felt good about it. Even if you were magically skinny right now, it would change the amount of men interested in you physically but it wouldn't change how you feel about yourself, you'd still look in the mirror and see that other person or not see the person in it...you've got to reprogram your perception and increase your self-worth that you see in yourself...otherwise, guess what...you can be in the exact situation you're in now, you're just getting sex much easier than you were before, it doesn't necessarily mean you get a BF...but since men are visual it would definitely be more possible If we're being realistic...they'd be more inclined to "overlook" other things they might not have been willing to before.

Edited August 24, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[PogoStick]

@Columbiana - I'm so turned on from your story!

 

What do you think of all the people who say "I'll never be skinny. This is just the way I am."? I think they just don't know what healthy habits are, or lack the willpower to change.

[theonlyjuan]

Never mind the dating think of your health

[todreaminblue]

this is what i feel with self esteem being diminished because a guy doesn tpay attention....maybe true....btu the fact is.....you can also have guys falling over to date you and still, when you look in the mirror you are not happy...happiness is from with in not from external validation.....if you need that external validation then.....the issue of low self esteem is already there if it diminishes and relies on boys liking you...then you really dont like yourself....... and that actually shows in your manner...and leaves you vulnerable........deb

[bentleychic]

There is someone for everyone. Some guys like skinny girls, some guys like average girls, some guys like curvy girls, some guys like bigger girls.

 

Most of the guys that I know currently (that have been open and honest with me about it) prefer curvy girls (i.e not too skinny, not very obese, somewhere in the middle).

[mesmerized]

Yes but not the reason you think it is. Just accept yourself as being over-weight and remember to smile and be extra friendly. Once you do that, you will eventually get a relationship.

 

 

Even if you're the ugliest person in the world, you can still be in a relationship. always remember that.

 

 

thats all i got.

 

AWFUL advice. Don't settle for being overweight and the quality of guys you can get that way. It's something you can change easily about yourself. Just do it and you won't have to ask this question.

[bentleychic]

AWFUL advice. Don't settle for being overweight and the quality of guys you can get that way. It's something you can change easily about yourself. Just do it and you won't have to ask this question.

 

OR don't settle for an arse that cares more about your looks than anything. You can find the perfect man for you, whether you are underweight, overweight or anything in between.

 

If you want to change your weight, do it for you. Don't do it b/c you might get a guy easier. If a guy cares more about what's on the scale than what's in your head, they aren't worth your time.

[xxoo]

Get to a healthy weight for yourself, so that you feel confident and attractive in your own skin. Dating will follow naturally.

[Knoxpwns]

Im around 205lbs..

 

at 5'11? Thats not really that overweight. Thats like near the same size as me, and I still had crazy skinny arms and legs.

 

I really dont feel like weight can be hurting you alone

[bentleychic]

Not liking overweight women doesn't make you an a*hole. Nor does it mean you're not a good person. Don't lose weight because someone will love you for who you are? This advice is so silly.

 

Also, just because a guy dates a fat, homely or otherwise not 'classically beautiful' woman doesn't mean he's some Prince Charming who genuinely "cares".

 

I'm saying if she wants to lose weight, she should lose it for herself and only for herself. Not simply so that she can find a man. Period.

 

And quite honestly, people can change over time so if it's based on looks, that can be a problem. Plus I would never want to date someone so shallow that they only cared about my appearance and nothing else. THAT is the point. My exH married a skinny woman and then several kids later, I wasn't skinny any more. If he'd married me based on looks alone, I'm sure he would have been very disappointed. A person is more then just their appearance. If someone doesn't love you for everything that you are, if you change (and let's face it, a lot of people do change as they get older, have kids, etc.), that could be a big negative.

 

(I later lost the baby weight, ftr, but certainly not for anyone except my own health.)

[mesmerized]

I'm saying if she wants to lose weight, she should lose it for herself and only for herself. Not simply so that she can find a man. Period.

 

Why, exactly? People do a lot of things to be able to find a partner. You've never made any change in your life to get a man??

 

Now if OP wants to become underweight or follow some unrealistic standard I agree it's just silly. But she already thinks she is overweight, I see nothing wrong in her trying to lose weight to become more attractive and acceptable to men. But yes, hopefully this is not the only reason she wants to do it for.

[bentleychic]

Why, exactly? People do a lot of things to be able to find a partner. You've never made any change in your life to get a man??

 

 

Nothing permanent. I'll put on sexy clothes or do make up, but not a total life change and I do that when I go out as well so it's definitely not specifically to get a man. I do it just as much for me, though. LOL I don't believe in being fake or something that I'm not so that someone will like me.

 

I'm big on take me as I am or walk the other way.

Edited August 24, 2013 by bentleychic

[mesmerized]

Nothing permanent. I'll put on sexy clothes or do make up, but not a total life change and I do that when I go out as well so it's definitely not specifically to get a man. I don't believe in being fake or something that I'm not so that someone will like me.

 

I'm big on take me as I am or walk the other way.

 

So you think being overweight is part of "who you are"? That's sad.

[bentleychic]

So you think being overweight is part of "who you are"? That's sad.

 

If someone is currently overweight, it is part of "who you are" in terms of appearance. I'm not sure how that can even be debated.

[bentleychic]

Okay, I feel like I'm going in circles with you guys so this'll be my last opinion on it. LOL I think it's fabulous to lose weight to be whether it's to be healthier, to feel better, feel better about yourself, etc. I did! I have a bad family history of diabetes, early heart attacks and high blood pressure. I lost 60lbs. I still have a little more to lose, but I need to lose it for me and for my health. That's just me/who I am.

 

I have some bad habits. It's part of who I am. It doesn't mean I can't change it. THAT is how I view changeable things, including weight, job, circumstances, etc., etc.

[goldengirl11]

OP - I just wanted to say that I have felt similar to you and found your post/thread quite comforting to read. Also interesting to hear the different feedback! I'm 35, overweight (if told by others am v pretty), looking for Mr Right and feel it's hard enough really finding someone I like and available around my age (although I don't mind younger men but they seem to go for younger too). Let alone who's interested/making a move on me! I'm beginning to think that OLD could well be my answer.

 

All the best.

 

Ps My last boyfriend seemed to see me as an experiment who went off with a younger, slimmer girl and the older guy I was dating before him told me I wasn't beautiful or tall enough for him (or couldn't hold a conversation or that intellectual!). I'd like to think have moved on from them though now!

Edited August 25, 2013 by goldengirl11

[emva07]

I think your confidence level has a big role here.

 

You are overweight so you automatically shut off the the possibility of men liking you based on things your friends say....you're walking around with a lightbulb turned off. Yes, a lot of men like the skinny minnies but not all. Some men like thicker women. Unfortunately you are at an age where most men are looking to score with thinner women. At 24 things are still all very superficial.

 

Build up your confidence, I'm sure that now that you're losing your weight, your confidence is going up. Your light bulb will turn on and guys will see the light.

 

Remember that even if you don't think so....others can read your confidence level. If you feel crappy about yourself, people can read that. There are plenty of girls that are big and super confident and they get just as many guys (if not more) than skinny girls.

[goldengirl11]

I think your confidence level has a big role here.

 

You are overweight so you automatically shut off the the possibility of men liking you based on things your friends say....you're walking around with a lightbulb turned off. Yes, a lot of men like the skinny minnies but not all. Some men like thicker women. Unfortunately you are at an age where most men are looking to score with thinner women. At 24 things are still all very superficial.

 

Build up your confidence, I'm sure that now that you're losing your weight, your confidence is going up. Your light bulb will turn on and guys will see the light.

 

Remember that even if you don't think so....others can read your confidence level. If you feel crappy about yourself, people can read that. There are plenty of girls that are big and super confident and they get just as many guys (if not more) than skinny girls.

 

I guess if you're not super confident though and come across a bit shy or quiet natured, it is harder?

[goldengirl11]

Deleted by author.

[emva07]

I guess if you're not super confident though and come across a bit shy or quiet natured, it is harder?

 

yes. Once you become confident with yourself (whether that means losing the weight or not) THAT will make you more resilient in the dating world.

 

Love yourself and then others will follow.

[emva07]

In the meantime, learn how to flaunt that body, own those curves, wear clothes that accentuates your body (most of the time what's in fashion isn't what accentuates bigger girls). Proportionality creates the feminine form in the mind of a man. Get into clothes that accentuates that waist, those hips.

 

Marylin Monroe was a 12, she worked those curves. Christina Hendricks from Mad Men is a fuller figure and she is ****in hot! There are those men who would kill to get with them and there are men who aren't.

 

I have plenty of friends who say they don't like skinny girls, say it makes them feel like they're sleeping with 12 year olds. Real women have curves.

 

I myself am an 8/10-Medium, still within a healthy BMI, but a little on the higher side....when i tell people they can't believe it. Why? because I carry myself as the beautiful, intelligent, nice girl that I am. Guys I sleep with are blown away by the body (I've even had two tell me "skinny chicks have nothing on you!"). For those guys that think I'm too fat for them, oh well....to those who are, they're always in for a treat.

Edited August 25, 2013 by emva07

[goldengirl11]

Must say I am unhappy with my weight though and long to be slimmer again. It feels a long time since I was 12-14. I'm now 18-20/22. My boobs look massive now, unfortunately!

Edited August 25, 2013 by goldengirl11

[emva07]

Then keep working towards your goal. But in the meantime don't feel down about yourself is what I'm saying. And don't feel like you have to drop to like a size 2 to be happy.