Ashleigh320 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I am a 29yr lesbian. I have only fallen in love one time. I was a rascal until I met the perfect girl for me. I met my girl when she was 16, and I was 23. We met at work and became good friends. We had no idea we were falling in love even though everyone around us knew. Shortly after her 17th birthday and just before my 24th, we began dating (with her parents permission of course). Her mother died six months later and we decided to move in together. We were together until March of this year. 5 years! Let me tell you, for both of us, it was the best years of our life! We were so incredibly happy. The real problems began about 2 1/2 years into the relationship. I wanted marriage and children. The planning was going well, and as far as I knew we were both very excited. One day, we're driving home and she tells me she isn't ready for all the things we were planning. I was devastated as I had wanted children for as long as I could remember. She was around 19 at the time, and I was 25. Looking back now, we were both entirely too young and in different phases of our life. I pushed so hard the next two years. After her mothers death she had a very hard time understanding or communicating her feelings. She is a very introverted, private person and it was difficult for both of us. She withdrew even more and became "stuck", and I began to act out. She tried to leave twice, but came back within 24 hours. I met a friend at work during this time. Little did I know, she would be a huge part of our downfall. We became very close, very quickly. My girlfriend liked her, too. We began to hang out with her and her boyfriend on a regular basis. However, this friend and I were in a very similar place in our lives. Her boyfriend was severely mistreating her, and I felt so mistreated that my girl wouldn't let my dreams come true. We spent entirely too much time together and drank entirely too much. Everyone began to warn me that we were too close, but I was blind. I thought she had nothing to do with my relationship and told everyone they could bug off because I was a loyal, good person who would never cheat. It wasn't so much this friend's fault because we obviously already had our issues, but she was a terrible influence. More on that. I spent less and less time at home, and because my other could tell we were coming to an end she completely suffocated me. She had no friends or life outside of me. She was begging and pleading and making demands. She kept saying that my friend was stealing me away, but I kept trying to push her to find her own interests and hobbies. I had still not forgiven her for not wanting children, and I felt she would never grow up. She said she wanted a family, just not yet. I felt like she loved me less than I loved her. I still believe my core reason for breaking up with her was probably the right thing to do. She had never been with anyone else. I was her first everything. She never even learned to be on her own. The only way she could learn to take care of herself was if she actually had to do so, and she could never take care of me. So I ended it. It was terrible and it hurt so much. I was as strong as I could be. After the breakup, we stayed close. We still slept together (of course) and took care of each other in many ways. We still to this day feel like we are family. Family is very important to us, and both of our families were very supportive and combined. We built one family out of two. Three weeks later, my "friend" came out to me with her feelings. The world came crashing down. Now I saw what everyone else saw. Now I knew that I had given someone way too much of the time, attention, and affection that I should have been giving the love of my life. Once I turned her down, she was no longer my friend and did terrible, vengeful things to me. As the months went by I began to understand that I had possibly made a mistake. So much of the confusion and pain over our disagreements fell away. Looking around, not one person loved or knew me like she had. I didn't know or love anyone the way I did her. I began to forgive her for not wanting children and realized what I should have known all along. It wouldn't be worth it if she wasn't completely for it. It had to be on OUR time, not mine. She wasn't trying to hurt me. She just needed to be ready. I was such a fool. I went to her and apologized for all of it. I thought we were beginning to reconcile. We had many deep heart to hearts about our past and future. I had cut her so deep. We both made so many mistakes. We were both so sorry. She is finally becoming who she should have been all along and learning to stand on her own two feet. She is such a beautiful person. I had planned on slowly becoming close again and asking her to come home. Then she slept with someone else and instead of understanding that this was something she needed to do, I flipped out. It has been about two months now that I have been begging her to come back, driving her crazy, and she has been trying to decide. Now it has went so far. I pushed too hard, suffocated her, and she was so damaged. She's running as far as she can now. She wants very little to no contact with me for now, and feels I may not be the one because she tried to leave a couple times. The thing is, neither of us are angry. We are hurting, but we don't blame each other or have negative feelings for each other. We know that life just happened and we got lost. We had a long talk yesterday. She told me she has forgiven me for the other girl because she knows she was so shut down that she pushed me to it in a way and that I didn't realize what was happening. She knows that I am sincerely sorry. I told her she can also forgive me because I am paying for my mistakes. I lost the thing most dear to me, and I have to live with that every minute of every day no matter what happens. I had written her a letter and read it to her. After I left, she text me to tell me she was glad to see me and it was good to hear the letter. Here it is: Engrave This on Your Heart "When you look back at the past six years and look at the big picture of our lives together, you can find so many answers and importance that we never realized. When I look at us now, my first thought is “She was 17”. I was older than you are now! Can you imagine being with a 17 year old right now? Crazy, right? We were both so young and new to love. I always told you I feared that I had done wrong by you by being with you when you didn’t have the chance to grow up first. I don’t blame myself anymore because I know that I didn’t understand. It took a long time to see that I finished your raising. It’s taken awhile to see that I should have stuck by you all this time. Over and over, my parents told me to either leave you or deal with your growing pains. I thought I had to let you go. I’m so sorry that I gave up when you were finally ready to move on from the girl you had been to the woman you were becoming while we were together. You were ready to change, grow, and be the woman we both needed you to be to make us work. Yet, I thought I had to leave you. I was so blind. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was right. I don’t know. What if I had kept you? (Can I keep you? – Casper) That isn’t the choice I made, and I will live with that the rest of my life, good or bad. Now, you are no longer the girl that I fell in love with, but the woman I treasure beyond anything in this life. It’s time for you to fly on your own and finish what you have begun. I understand. Looking back, I want you to realize that it was never a lack of love that held us back. It was because we were never “on the same page”. We said that all the time, but I don’t think we understood it. We were never on the same page because we were in different phases in our life. You were trying to leave me when you were 19ish. There is a huge difference between your needs and desires at 19 and 25. But our age difference isn’t so huge now and it won’t be later. You were scared and not ready for the life I tried to push you into and I am so, so sorry. Remember though, that you never left because of love. You left because of doubt. Love wasn’t the question, it was your answer! I’ve always asked you why you came back and you have always answered “because I love you”. You weren’t ready at 19 for the relationship we had, and I wanted even more than that. Of course you doubted everything! I wish that we had known you needed to go your own way then even if you did love me with all your heart. You were just too young. Time was all we ever needed because we had EVERYTHING else. I know right now that you are questioning everything, including your love for me. Right now, you feel suffocated and restless and hopeful for a different future. I felt the same when I left you. I totally get it. I also totally understand what you went through. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong for you like you were for me after we broke up. I will be now. We are on the same page now. You need to realize the woman you are growing into without your “parent” watching over your every step. You need to make decisions and mistakes on your own. I support you. You should have been able to do this sooner, but that isn’t how life and love happened. Know that you are not so much “changing”, but blossoming. Who you are is who you have always been, just older and wiser. That person, I love with all my heart. That person, she loves me, too. Don’t let that go. We can still have OUR time. When you look at the big picture, we aren’t finished. It doesn’t matter if it takes three months, or six months, or a year, or ten years! I am waiting for our time. I should have waited all along. I’m so sorry that I am so impatient. I should have known from the beginning. TRUE LOVE WAITS. It was a sign. One day, we will look at each other and know that we can be friends without it hurting so badly. One day, we will be ready to take that friendship to the next level. One day, I will ask you to be my wife. All on OUR time. Dream a thousand dreams, but dream of this, too. Wouldn’t it be beautiful? I believe that we are meant to be. I believe that in the end we belong together. We didn’t fall in love by chance, but we fell out of love by choice. We weren’t a “practice run” for the real thing or we wouldn’t have lasted so long. We lasted six years only because we truly love each other even if it was at the wrong time. We were the real thing. It won’t always be the wrong time. We deserve another chance. We deserve each other because there aren’t two people better than us out there. We deserve each other because there is so much more for us than against us. I want to match you woman for woman, on equal footing and with equal experience. Side by side. Can you imagine what our love would be then? We could take on the world. I loved the girl you were, and I deserve to love the woman you have become. I want to soak up who you have become because you are such a beautiful person. Beautiful people don’t just happen, they are created through pain and loss and joy and love. We have been made beautiful. I will accept any part of you that you are willing to share. Yes, I am unhappy. I am unhappy that I have to lose you to find you again. I am unhappy that I can’t go to sleep next to you and wake up next to you. I’m unhappy when I need your arms around me for comfort. I am unhappy I can’t kiss you when I want. I am unhappy when I think of all the amazing things we are going to miss out on in each other’s life. I am unhappy that it had to go this way at all when it could have been so different if we could have stepped outside ourselves and the situation. Yes, I am terrified. I am terrified that all the hard work we put into us was for nothing. I am terrified that you will never look back and see what we truly are and could be if I’m not there to show you. I am terrified that something will happen to ruin one or both of us. Yet, I am happy. I am happy to still love you. I am happy to see what will be in our future. I am happy to know that you will never forget me or stop loving me. I am happy to know that in your deepest thoughts and feelings, I am there. I am happy to know that we have a solid foundation of love and friendship to build a new life together. I am happy that we will be even better people and equals when we next see each other. I am happy to know that life has a way of working itself out. I am happy that you are growing up into an amazing person. I am happy for so many, many reasons. This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but I will do it. I will wait for you. I will do this for myself and for you. I can be strong. I am the strongest person you know. I’m sorry I couldn’t wait for you when I was with you, but I will make up for it now. Rae, it will be relieving to have me out of your day to day life. At first. It won’t always be like that. You love me, or at least care deeply for me. You have never gone more than a few weeks without having contact with me. As the weeks and months go by, you will begin to miss me. You will miss everything. You will begin to wonder where I am or with who I am spending time. You will wonder if I am happy or if I have been hurt somehow. You will miss my smile and my hugs and my laughter. You will miss our cuddling and our goofiness and all the good we had. You will only remember the good because that is what sticks with us most. Pain falls away with time. In time, you will need me. I know you. I know you like no one else does because I have been there for you and with you in a way that no one else could have been or will be. No one can ever take away the fact that you and I spent the most formative years of our lives together. When you start to miss me or you need me, don’t be afraid or hesitate to contact me. I won’t automatically assume it will be to get back together. I don’t want you to think that I will turn you away or make any demands of you. I will just be there for you. I have ALWAYS been there for you. I know you are tired of listening to me. Listen to your heart. When you least expect it, it will be whispering my name. Don’t give up and push me to your past. Don’t stop loving me. I promise, our future is bright and exciting. We were never meant to end this way. My heart will always be in your hands and our door will always be open." So that's where I am now. I'm so damn lost. I want her back so, so badly. I just don't know what I'm going to do until she figures herself out. I know she still loves me. I can see it in her eyes, and when we are in the same room she can't deny how she feels. We won't be in the same room for a long time though. I am going to give her the space and time she needs, but I am SO terrified. She might even date someone else before she realizes we belong together, and I have to be strong and be her friend through all of it. She deserves this time, and I know that if I am true to her that we will have a second chance. Am I wrong? Please help. Show me what you see from the outside.
Philosoraptor Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I'm glad you have seen the error in your ways. You seem to have written the whole story, from your shortsightedness in the past, to your clairvoyance now. Right now all you can do is be patient and give her space. Continue to take care of yourself, grow, and be a more compassionate person for yourself. So that no matter what path your life follows from this point, you'll be in the best position to move on and find happiness.
Author Ashleigh320 Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Thank you very much for taking the time to read my very long post. I greatly appreciate your words and sincerely took them to heart. But really, can't you just give me all the answers? (lol)
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