lonegirl Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) I will try to resume my best what's going on Okay, so i came out of a relationship 2 months ago. It was toxic, but I loved him very much, the person i loved the most and i know this feeling won't disappear and anybody can replace it... but due to several problems, including physical abuse and lies, i had to drop it with a huge pain on my heart. Right after this, i met this guy online. It was an instant true match, same preferences for everything, he likes women like me and i like men like him... we had long deep talkings and he made me feel alive again after so many bad years. He is also very handsome and thinks i am pretty as well etc. I live in South America, and he lives in Europe. What's going on is... he, at the time i met him, was in a relationship. It was a failed relationship, as he told me and I could see in some moments by his facebook posts, and etc. We met because he was looking for friends online to talk and ask advices... he wanted to drop her long ago, even having still feelings for her, because she was verbally abusive. We connected very well, and as i love traveling, don't have a fixed job and always wanted to visit his country, and also liked him, said when and if he got ready someday and wanted to meet me, i could visit him for a few days so we could spend a little time together and see what could happens. To my surprise, he got very excited by this possibility, said he fell in love with me and 2 weeks later broke up with his girlfriend (before you doubt i know he did as i could see through his facebook behavior and hers). I never said or asked: "do this!", he did by himself. Well, thought our plans would work from there and it would be great. Then started our hell as he is right now depressed, very much, after 1 month. He seems to be missing her or, if not her, having someone around, not being alone, etc. Even when I say the trip we were planning is so close (next month), it doesn't work. He is always depressed, feeling bad, negative and in a way i didn't see him before (he was mostly sad because his relationship wasn't good and he was tired of it). I am aware i'm being a rebound... he is somehow the same to me, as i'm still moving on from my ex, but what bothers me is he is too open. He doesn't speak about her, but he speaks his current pain so out loud and doesn't seem happy with a possible new future as i am. I too didn't recover fully yet but i am looking to the future with better eyes. I know we are all different but i'm very afraid of entering into something with my whole body and soul and everything he can gives me are breadcrumbs. I don't know, wanted to ask some advices... should i cancel this trip? Should i try to go anyways and see what happens? Is this maybe a lost case as he can maybe wants to come back to her (he guaranteed he doesn't want when i asked him)? I am a bit lost and have a strange uncomfortable feeling on my back now. Thank you for your time so much!! Edited August 22, 2013 by lonegirl correcting some expressions for better comprehension.
justwhoiam Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 everything he can give me are breadcrumbs Hi lonegirl, I guess you entering his life has probably accelerated the process of him breaking up with his girlfriend. As a friend, you should have warned him about what was lying ahead for him... I can understand he's feeling lonely and blue, especially if this girl had been in his life for quite some time. And it also might be that he still had feelings for her, but couldn't handle being with her anymore. So incompatibility won over love & affection. What is not clear from your post is what you told this guy. Did you just tell him you could meet him for a few days as a friend? Or more? Because you shouldn't rise his expectations... especially at present, when he's being so fragile. Why would you want to be a rebound? Given both your situations and past experiences, keep it light and don't jump head in like this. The risk is you'll be making bad decisions too soon. should i cancel this trip? If you have a chance to meet him, I see no reason to cancel the trip. Plan ahead. Set boundaries... keep it light. Cheer him up. Have a smile on your face and tell yourself and him you're going to meet a friend, not a boyfriend. The latter will complicate things a lot. Do you want to end up being a booty call? "he can maybe want to go back to his ex" He's not willing to right now, but that is no warranty that he won't in a while... If you're not feeling comfortable about meeting him as just a friend, then you shouldn't have arranged a trip to meet him at all. You can have hopes that there's the right chemistry between the two of you, but it's not a given. Not something you can take for granted. People meet up this way and nothing happens, and they go back home let down. 1
Author lonegirl Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 Hi lonegirl, What is not clear from your post is what you told this guy. Did you just tell him you could meet him for a few days as a friend? Or more? Hi justwhoiam, thank you for your reply! I think he raised mine and went back suddenly after his ex contacted him... that's why i got so insecure. I understand his situation and respect his feelings, are not his fault and he can't control them, in this delicate situation... but he said several times he fell in love with me, he even went drunk once and called me and asked to marry him lol... of course i'm mature enough to understand what he was doing because he was drunk and didn't take this so much in consideration... but when he was sober he said he was being honest and really had feelings for me, and inside my heart my expectations went high as i too like him very much. This week he got depressed and disappeared most of the days... i felt crushed, and hate myself for going too fast inside my heart, knowing this could happens but couldn't control. All the time i am not pushing him at all, i'm being more of a best friend to him, talking, asking how he is going and offering my help if he needs to vent, etc... but always made it clear i like him in a different way, as he told me too, and i'm standing for it. In our talkings my ex boyfriend never came up. Anyways, yesterday I thought all day, was feeling really down as i have no emotional strenght right now to deal with another broken heart. Left him an offline message on skype saying I didn't want to make him even more confused, and also end up with a broken heart so I think we should wait a bit more and see if in the future we can be ready for something, but he could count on me as his friend always to vent, talk, ask for help, anything he needed (and i mean it, i truly think he is an amazing person). At midnight woke up with a notification on my ipad, he was messaging me nonstop... he was out with his best friend drinking and said more or less "my friend helped me to wake up and open my heart for a brand new opportunity", I guess they both talked and his friend maybe said something about leaving his ex in the past and give a new chance to love or whatever... so he sounded a bit nervous and asked me to not give up, he wanted me, he wanted to see me, yadda yadda... I just said to him i need to think, not to torture him, as i do need to see how I can deal with all this, and we talk better another time when he's sober... i guess i have a lot to think today but your advice sounds very good, think i'll propose him a friendly visit for a few days, this sounds a good idea. Maybe we both can keep our spaces and feelings in a safe place and still kill our curiosities! Will post back here when something new comes up.
justwhoiam Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Ok... That would give him time to know you in person, see what being around you is like... then you fly home, and he has some time to think it over. And if he's really into you, he can come visit you the next time and you start from there. Be prepared though. If things click, he might not be able to control himself, and he would try with you anyway.
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