Matibay Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Hello everyone, the reason I'm writing this post is because I'm looking for answers or advice that I can't get from my wife. I'm in the military and a devoted husband and father. When I came back from a deployment a few months I thought things were fine in our marriage. But 2 weeks later my wife straight out told me that she was not happy and that we should get a divorce. I was so shocked and hurt that such words came out of her mouth. We've been married for 13 years and we've know each other for almost 20 years, I can't believe that she is throwing it all away. We have a beautiful daughter which is the love of life. Of course the first thing i did was try to resolve the problem by seeing a marriage counselor. We never did see the counselor together because we had no one around to watch our daughter. When she saw the counselor a few times, it was determined that my wife was depressed and that she needed to be on medication. My wife was reluctant about being on medication but she tried it for a couple of months. While she was on the medication things started to feel normal again, until we went on vacation when she decided not to take the pills. Then that's when everything went downhill even her parents saw that way she was treating me. She approached unexpectedly and I saw the look in her eyes the way I saw it the first time she told me that she was unhappy. She told me again that she was unhappy again, then I asked her why she stopped taking the pills. She told me that the pills was just hiding her true emotions towards me and that she does not want to take the pills anymore or see a doctor because she is not depressed and that she is not attracted to me anymore and she does not feel anything anymore. Something in between the lines fell through while I was deployed, and she can't tell me what happened, except for there is nothing there. I love my family so much that it's tearing me apart, I can't sleep or eat, everyday i think about it, and what I've done wrong or say. Ever since she stopped taking her pills she had been very cold towards me, she does not look at me or even touch me, we don't talk anymore, everytime I say something like a simple hello or good morning all I hear from her voice is resentment. I am so hurt that the woman I love has turned into a stranger, I don't know her anymore. I asked her why she resents me, and what I did wrong to deserves this, she says I don't resent you and I don't feel anything anymore. I have been nothing but a good father and a husband to my family and to go through this is eating me alive. I tried enduring the relationship and trying to find ways to make things better, but all that I do is fruitless. I try to go home early to take care of our daughter and do things around the house, I give her space, I give her time for herself by taking our child out for the day, I've been very patient, I cook and clean up around the house, all I do just made things worse for some reason. She finally told me that she wants to seperate and I only have a couple of days left with my daughter, forunately she will only be about 3-4 hours away. But I can't even think about not having my family in the house. She tells me that she knows that I want a family which I do, but she can't stay in it if we're going to be messirable, that it's not fair to me and to our daughter. She tells me that she can't be a good mother to our child if I'm around, and that I deserve someone that can make me happy and for her to be happy. I ask her what will make you happy? She does not know,but all she wants is out of the marriage. I still don't know what i've done or said. Maybe because I've gain a few pounds, not alot, I'm still in shape. I then asked her if it's another man and she says no, she says when "when am I going to find time when I'm always with our daughter, I don't know any one here". That's when it came to me, we have traveled around the world, we had a social life and she had a job. But ever since we had a child 3 years ago I started noticing changes in her, I've asked her to find a part time job and put our child in day care so she can at least have a part of her life back. She insested to stay home and raise our child. We live in a neighborhood where there are no people our age and no other military personel, we live off post. I told her that when we move it'll be on post where we have neighbors just like us. I am not blaming our child for the matter but it has taken a token on my wife, she is very independent, she likes to work, and likes to have a social life, but ever since then all of that has been non existent. I tell her that she has lost herself and that we need to get help and to wait 2 more months for a move and to live on post and that our child will be in pre school and that she can have a job. But she is determined to separate, she is leaving in a couple of days back to her mom's house, maybe, just maybe she will have time to think. I am not keeping any hopes up because I know that she is very stubborn and once her mind is made up there's no changing it. I appologize for such a long post, I just confused and lost and that the whole world is crashing down on me. She is taking everything away from me, my daughter, my family. Will she change her mind? Should I keep hope? Should I move on? I don't know what to do? I don't understand why a person can change so dramatically. Whatever happened to 'For better or for worse'?
RightThere Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 She sounds like she is definitely struggling with something. Could be depression, but there are countless other things as well so I don't want to speculate too much. I think she needs to continue with counselling. Even if it's both of you, at least she's seeing someone. As for the drugs for depression, they are just a mind numbing blocker. It's possible that should could need them on a regular basis, but I would encourage counselling to help her manage whatever she is going through.
Author Matibay Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 She is not going to see a therapist or a doctor her mind is made up. I wish I knew what was going through her mind.
revitup Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Matibay, Sorry to hear this has happened to you. I heard the same stuff, STBXWW told me her meds- "caused her to put up with my S**t!" She said the meds kept her from "being herself".It was all garbage.She was going to do, what she was going to do! Nothing I could have said or done would have changed it. As the days go by you will recall some events from your history with her that will look different now.Things you overlooked before,just as we all did.There is more to this story and only time will reveal it. Really all you can do is stay focused on your Daughter and yourself.You already know how to stay fit and eat healthy,so focus on that.Stay away from the bars and crazy women that will come out of nowhere.The last thing you need is guilt. Keep us all updated and hang on. REVITUP 2
Author Matibay Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Revitup Thank you I thought I was the only one and I'll keep you guys posted. She is not the person I used to know, she is a complete stranger. I still can't believe why this is happening. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Revitup is correct, this has nothing to do with you, this is all about her. You can't make her do anything, the only thing you can do is concentrate your efforts on you and your daughter. Here is what I would recommend. 1. PT is great to help relieve the stress and will make for a healthier you. 2. Set up a visitation schedule with your wife and have her meet you halfway to see daughter. 3. Get with your command and explain situation and set up a 3-4 day weekend every month. This will take coordination to meet mission requirements, so your visitation plan will have to be somewhat flexible. 4. Here is the hard one........only talk to wife about legal or daughter issues. No begging, pleading, declarations of love.....period. All this does is tick her off. Tell her once how you feel and then leave it alone, she knows. You may want to communicate how you feel to her parents, so that they that you tried. 5. When you visit your daughter and engage your wife, be cordial, but don't initiate physical contact or unnecessary conversation. Let her initiate all of these things. 6. Seek counseling for yourself. This is a very traumatic experience and don't down play the affect this has had on you or think you can just suck it up. Be smart man not macho man. Right now she isn't going to be happy in any relationship, because she is not happy with herself. Sometimes separation can give people perspective of things and will return to the relationship. I would not hold out great hope, since she has refused to address the problem. Additionally, stay with one thread here, otherwise the advice will get convoluted, as folks will only have part of the information. I recommend keeping this thread. Lastly, thank you for your faithful service to our country. 3
revitup Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) Matibay,you are definitely not alone.It is a sad state of affairs in America and the world right now.Values and morals are a rare commodity today,we live in a "throw away" society.Buy it at wally-world and toss it away for a new one a week later. When I was little (grew up on a farm) we learned to "fix" things.We had to-we were poor people.Things were made differently then-Made In America actually meant the product would last a lifetime and then be handed down to the next generation.Those days are gone. Relationships were also taken to mean more.It went downhill for all of us in a generation.Now people treat their partners well up until that partner no longer satisfies their needs.Then the partner is discarded. As for why it's happening,you and many of us have asked ourselves the same question.It is useless to ask yourself this question.Look at it like the military-the mission is all that matters,it matters not to a warrior in a foxhole why he is there.He is where he is and has to fight,whether he agrees with the General or not! You must fight for your daughter and yourself,your W is not your enemy...your own mind is your enemy.My mind went all over the place asking the same questions-in the end it didn't matter.All that matters now is what I become as a result of the battle. You will fight many personal battles in this mess,just stay true to who you are and stay focused on the mission. REVITUP Edited August 23, 2013 by revitup spelling
Beebie Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Oh Matibay, yours is a truly sad story. I'm so sorry you've had to come here and I really feel for you. Firstly, can you totally rule out the possibility of her seeing someone else. You said she'd joked about always being with your daughter, but is there a chance she's had the opportunity to meet somebody, possibly online? Have her family indicated anything at all to you? I don't know what age group you are both in, but is it possible she could be having a mid-life crisis? As others have said, you need to totally focus on your daughter and yourself. Let her see you're in control of yourself. There's a lot of getting to the bottom of what's truly going on with her, but you'll need to stay strong mentally. It's very hard, I know. People here will help you so keep us updated.
mizzo Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I think there is a problem where both of you cant address . So its better for now to be apart and if she really love you then things will get better . don't blame your self for anything . you are a great person and all you need now is taking a good care of your daughter . Sorry my words may be harsh to you but sometimes we have to face our realty and accept it . ( am in smaller situation and am doing fine as I accept my fate ) and I believe that whoever don't need me then I don't need them .
Shocked Suzie Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Matibay, Sorry to hear this has happened to you. I heard the same stuff, STBXWW told me her meds- "caused her to put up with my S**t!" She said the meds kept her from "being herself".It was all garbage.She was going to do, what she was going to do! Nothing I could have said or done would have changed it. As the days go by you will recall some events from your history with her that will look different now.Things you overlooked before,just as we all did.There is more to this story and only time will reveal it. Really all you can do is stay focused on your Daughter and yourself.You already know how to stay fit and eat healthy,so focus on that.Stay away from the bars and crazy women that will come out of nowhere.The last thing you need is guilt. Keep us all updated and hang on. REVITUP This is very true, you need to put all your time and energy into focusing on yourself and daughter, I and many others fully understand how you are feeling and what you are going through... Looking at my ex as the stranger that he now is made the process a whole lot easier to deal with....the man I married has gone and there is nothing I could have done that would have changed his mindset, he had checked out well before i knew anything about it. All I can say to you is it is one if not the hardest thing you'll have to deal/cope with, but it does honestly get better! Take each day as it comes, there are many emotions...find yourself again, the journey is not so bad, time is a true healer SS x 1
2sunny Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Find out if she's been cheating... I bet she has been interested in someone else for a while.
Man-guy Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Oh man, really sorry to hear this. With my wife, though I know that she wasn't diagnosed for depression, I'm 99% sure it's what set off her downward spiral. Except for children, our relationship ended in a very similar way, with nothing I could say or do to change her perceptions. I hope she's still in therapy for her own sake. Now being 3 months out, I can say I'm doing AMAZINGLY better, down right great, which leads me to further believe that it was her issues that truly brought down our marriage. I know it's tough now, but trust me, the best advice I can give you is to make yourself happy. Forget "hope", I mean, what are you hoping for? To stay married to someone who doesn't love you anymore? Focus on your daughter, friends and other family members, work out, consider some therapy/antidepressants for yourself, and avoid contact as much as you possibly can. I know it's impossible, but do your best to STOP thinking about this and have fun, catch up with friends, etc. I think about her EVERY DAY still, but you know what? I'm having more fun, partying, enjoying my work and life so much now that I'm taking care of myself. For now, take it one day at a time, then a week at a time. Eventually you'll ask yourself, if your wife ever "wakes up" would you even want to be with someone who could do this to you and your family? Still trying to figure that one out myself, but I'm not stressing about it anymore. If she wants this, you should probably divorce like she wants. If this is what will truly make her happy, help her out right? Good luck man, I know you have some hard days ahead, but endure and you'll definitely find happier days ahead. Will they be with your wife? Who knows, but as long as you can keep moving forward you'll make it. 1
Author Matibay Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 Well she left today with my daughter and I can't express how I feel. Except that I feel abandoned and very alone. I love my daughter so very much.
revitup Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Matibay,I have been right where you are (daughter and all) and it hurts.You will have a lot of really bad things to deal with.Your mind is and your thoughts are all you can control and that to a limited extent.Your thoughts are what you need to try and control. Northern VA- Yup I lived in Alexandria VA for fifteen yrs.Met the STBXWW in Woodbridge-she was from Stafford originally.The area has many things to do on Sundays,you should try and get out there and just see stuff.Go people watching in Olde Towne or something. It's going to improve and you are going to feel better.It will not be easy at first. Keep us posted as you feel like doing so. REVITUP
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