waiting4u Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I’ve been in a semi-long distance thing with a guy for about 6 mths who seems really kind, intelligent and successful. After my last visit, I’m wanting to break it off but I’m afraid of the drama. He told me he has a history of depression, so I don’t know how he’ll react. I told him I needed some time to think so I can postpone the inevitable. I want to break it off because his behavior is uber-creepy. He does this “mirroring” thing – not only physically (I cross my legs, he crosses his legs; I take a drink, he takes a drink) but also he will rephrase things I’ve said before as original ideas of his own – as opinions or even just random comments – like I don’t remember saying those things! He is passive to the point of absurdity. I ask him what he wants, and he’s just like “oh, whatever is easiest for you.” Just today on facebook he wrote complaining about a car repair cost, and I updated my status last week about a car repair cost. His car has like 5,000 miles on it so I kind of think he’s lying to get my attention (I haven’t talked to him in 2 weeks) and he literally updates his status once a year. I don’t really know how to explain the mirroring thing so it probably sounds weird. He very rarely expresses strong opinions unless he’s rephrasing mine. Does he have a psychological issue or something? How do I honestly explain to him why I don’t want to date him anymore?
todreaminblue Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 you be honest and tell him that you dont feel you are compatible,end it clean and fast , you are not compatible with him if he makes you uncomfortable one thing a therapist will tell a family member with depression how to handle discussions is to be honest.......without being hurtful.......which si hard even if he didnt have depression it would still be hurtful if he really likes you...so the depression is just something else he has to deal with........but....not something you can deal with....end it and know you did the right thing for the both of you, anyone who gets dumped hurts normally...let him go ...it is the best thing to do...best wishes for a clean break.....deb
kaylan Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 He sounds like a very, VERY, laid back and reserved guy. Seems you need someone with a stronger attitude towards life. Dont be afraid to tell him the truth. Just politely say that you dont think your personalities fit in the long term. No need to feel trapped because you fear his reactions. In the long run its best to end things as soon as possible.
Author waiting4u Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 I know this sounds incredibly cowardly, but given that he lives three hours away by plane, do you think I could break up with him in an email? Or do I actually have to make the phone call? Awful, I know. I'm just so afraid of how he's going to react. He's got to know what's going on by now, since I haven't talked to him in two weeks and I said I needed to think about things because "I'm not sure this is working."
BradJacobs Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I know this sounds incredibly cowardly, but given that he lives three hours away by plane, do you think I could break up with him in an email? Or do I actually have to make the phone call? Awful, I know. I'm just so afraid of how he's going to react. He's got to know what's going on by now, since I haven't talked to him in two weeks and I said I needed to think about things because "I'm not sure this is working." Send the email. His behavior is creepy. 1
kaylan Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I know this sounds incredibly cowardly, but given that he lives three hours away by plane, do you think I could break up with him in an email? Or do I actually have to make the phone call? Awful, I know. I'm just so afraid of how he's going to react. He's got to know what's going on by now, since I haven't talked to him in two weeks and I said I needed to think about things because "I'm not sure this is working." Um. Be a mature adult and have the decency to call him. An email is pathetic and Id be turned off ever knowing a girl dumped someone in that way. The dude deserves to hear it from your lips when you end things. 1
GI_Joy Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Um. Be a mature adult and have the decency to call him. An email is pathetic and Id be turned off ever knowing a girl dumped someone in that way. The dude deserves to hear it from your lips when you end things. THIS. The only time I've ever resorted to e-mail was because my ex never returned my calls or text messages to call me, after a week of effort.
crederer Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Give the guy the respect he deserves and call him to break up with him. E-mail is cowardly. Be to the point and respectful and then it's done.
mario_C Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Did you talk to him about why his behavior bothers you? You said you haven't spoken in 2 weeks, has he reached out to you at all?
SJC2008 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 When did this behavior start? I'm wondering how it got to the 6 month mark given his odd behavior... 1
Mr_Flay Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Haha, he must have been following advice from one of those PUA websites: Mirroring 1
Author waiting4u Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Whoa, I really hope he's not following the advice of that article. That is bizarre. But then again, I've never encountered this type of behavior before. When I got back from my last visit, I didn't respond to his texts for a few days and he finally asked "is everything okay?" And I texted "not sure this is working for me. Give me some time to think." And he's like "Okay, I'll just wait to hear from you." No argument, inquiry, nothing. He never argues or disagrees. EVER. It's gotten to the 6 month mark because we are spending such controlled amounts of time together - a weekend here or there - et cetera. His behavior wasn't always so obvious and it didn't seem like a big deal at first. Over time it has become increasingly annoying. He seems to sort of let the things I do and say be the model for what he does and says. Another example - I called him one day because I was upset about a situation at work and he reassured me. Literally 8 hours later he calls and is like "I'm upset about this situation" and sort of makes this little drama to elicit reassurance. And how do you really say something about it? I've noticed you do this really creepy thing . . .
StanMusial Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 This has the potential to be the smoothest break up in history. Waiting4U: I'm so sorry Weirdo but I don't want to see you any more. Weirdo: I'm so sorry Waiting4U but I don't want to see you any more. Waiting47: Ok then. Weirdo: Ok then. Waiting4U: So we're through then. Weirdo: So we're through then. Waiting4U: Yes. Weirdo: Yes. Waiting4U: Ok bye. Weirdo: Ok bye. The End 3
Arabella Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 My ex used to be exactly the SAME WAY! It was, hands down, the one single thing about him that turned me off the most. So creepy, too. He had not a single opinion of his own. He would always adopt mine (even if he had previously mildly disagreed), and in time, he began using the same words and expressions, and mirror my body language. He did not do it on purpose. He was just very young and impressionable... so, he imitated everything like a little monkey.
Author waiting4u Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Yes, monkey is the word that often comes to mind, but I don't want to be mean . . . The amiable breakup could go more like this: Me: I can't see you anymore Him: Why not? Me: Because our personalities aren't compatible. Him: What makes you think that? I can change. I can be different (i.e. exactly like you) Me: No it's over. Him: (Cries - omg horrors - then falls into dark depression and calls me intermittently threatening to off himself). Handwritten letter? Cowardly but could be conceived as sentimental. I can't handle drama and I feel like he likes me a bit too much.
Arabella Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Yes, monkey is the word that often comes to mind, but I don't want to be mean . . . The amiable breakup could go more like this: Me: I can't see you anymore Him: Why not? Me: Because our personalities aren't compatible. Him: What makes you think that? I can change. I can be different (i.e. exactly like you) Me: No it's over. Him: (Cries - omg horrors - then falls into dark depression and calls me intermittently threatening to off himself). Handwritten letter? Cowardly but could be conceived as sentimental. I can't handle drama and I feel like he likes me a bit too much. I feel like you and I dated the same dude. Guess what mine did? Exactly what you described!!! He would cry his guts out over and over again when I tried to break it off, and I would chicken out every time. Once I finally realized he was manipulating me and broke it off for good, he spiraled into depression. Lost his job, totaled two cars, and started hanging out with his younger brother's friends (teenagers), and then adopted THEIR personality! lol. It was pathetic. Don't let yourself get dragged into this like I did. Just call him, tell him you're not feeling it, and you're finished, then wish him luck and hang up. He probably will continue trying to contact you and get you back for a long while, but you must be strong and not give in. Don't be tempted to talk to him just because you feel sorry, either. This will only fuel his obsessive puppy love and you will be back at square 1. I dealt with my ex for a year because I didn't understand this. Don't make the same mistake! Good luck!
Lansing Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Just break up with him... If you really care about him I would tell him that you find it weird... it will save him much heartbreak down the road. i say give him a call and end it. You basically told him to give you time. I think it would be rude if you just went ghost and didn't contact him anymore. 2 weeks is already a long time. I think you should just end it.
Bito Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 You said you have not spoken in 2 weeks. If he does reach out just tell him then
Author waiting4u Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I feel like you and I dated the same dude. Guess what mine did? Exactly what you described!!! He would cry his guts out over and over again when I tried to break it off, and I would chicken out every time. Once I finally realized he was manipulating me and broke it off for good, he spiraled into depression. Lost his job, totaled two cars, and started hanging out with his younger brother's friends (teenagers), and then adopted THEIR personality! lol. It was pathetic. Don't let yourself get dragged into this like I did. Just call him, tell him you're not feeling it, and you're finished, then wish him luck and hang up. He probably will continue trying to contact you and get you back for a long while, but you must be strong and not give in. Don't be tempted to talk to him just because you feel sorry, either. This will only fuel his obsessive puppy love and you will be back at square 1. I dealt with my ex for a year because I didn't understand this. Don't make the same mistake! Good luck! God, this is my worst nightmare. Hopefully things won't go that way.
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