GreySkyMorning Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go on a date. A real date, with a nice restaurant, dress clothes, all the fixings. And with what seems to be a really nice guy that seems to think I'm awesome and wants to spend time with me. A SINGLE guy. But, at the moment, I'm really sad. It's stuff like this that brings it home just how little I meant to xmm and how unimportant I was in his life. In two years, we had two dates like this. Actually, in the 20 years we've known each other, we had two dates like this. Two. Thats how little devotion there was to our relationship or building anything between us that was real. That was all i was worth to him. 3
fanine Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go on a date. A real date, with a nice restaurant, dress clothes, all the fixings. And with what seems to be a really nice guy that seems to think I'm awesome and wants to spend time with me. A SINGLE guy. But, at the moment, I'm really sad. It's stuff like this that brings it home just how little I meant to xmm and how unimportant I was in his life. In two years, we had two dates like this. Actually, in the 20 years we've known each other, we had two dates like this. Two. Thats how little devotion there was to our relationship or building anything between us that was real. That was all i was worth to him. I guess it is sad because no-one likes to feel they were used, in a sense. And that is how you are feeling at the moment. But think, you are out of all that now. It is hard for the heart and mind to move on, but you have a great chance to now. You have a chance to go out and have some fun with a single man who may not turn out to be the love of your life, but someone who seems to appreciate you. Enjoy it for what it is, take in the attention, and try not to let your experience affect your night out. I know it is easier said than done and I know when I go on my first date it will be very very tough. But just think, each time you do this, going out with a single guy, it will get easier. Much better to be in this situation now than still with the MM. Good luck and have some fun x 3
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Take the lessons learned and live them. Isn't life grand when you can live out in the open, authentic!!!!! This is you...with self respect...its just so much different isn't it. 4
Sooverhim Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go on a date. A real date, with a nice restaurant, dress clothes, all the fixings. And with what seems to be a really nice guy that seems to think I'm awesome and wants to spend time with me. A SINGLE guy. But, at the moment, I'm really sad. It's stuff like this that brings it home just how little I meant to xmm and how unimportant I was in his life. In two years, we had two dates like this. Actually, in the 20 years we've known each other, we had two dates like this. Two. Thats how little devotion there was to our relationship or building anything between us that was real. That was all i was worth to him. It is sad GreySkyMorning, realising what the reality of our relationship with XMM was, but that was then and this is now. Go out and enjoy your date ... a real date with a real man in the real world who isn't using you as a fantasy to escape from his real life with his very real wife .... onwards and upwards and moving forward with your life:) 3
Spotme Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Ok, friend, it's normal to think back, make comparisons and mourn both what you had and what you never had. You've done that for today, now promise yourself you will just go out and enjoy the evening - make it about yourself only, about having fun with no heavy relationship stuff - no comparisons, no expectations. Let yourself be open to the moment and leave your baggage at home! 2
Author GreySkyMorning Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Leaving now. I'll report back. Thank you. 1
So happy together Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I hope you have a wonderful time! Everyone deserves some pampering! xx
Daisy2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 It's hard to realize when it didn't work like we had hoped, I think those feelings linger, and we have memories. I hope your date was fun and one of many more good times to come. 1
joanofark Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 These "down" thoughts should automatically be made into positives! I went on more dates and vacations, spent more quality time with my AP in the last year than with my husband in the entire 10 year marriage. That really told me a lot. You are going on a "real date" you sound like you really want to be doing just that but are still looking for the wrong person to provide you with it. I know what I should expect from a man NOW. Happiness really has to start with you. The next date you go on know that this other guy who didnt do these things for you is the one who lost out.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) So how did it go? Meh. It definitely beat sitting at home staring at my phone!! Comparisons are inevitable but xmm didnt come out on the good side this time. This date didn't tell me how cute the waitress was and that he thought we'd be hot together. And this date wasn't in a hurry to get to the strip club. So already hugely different than the two dates with xmm. The food was delicious (my favorite, Mexican). The company was ok. He's not my type and I wasn't that attracted to him, but the conversation was good. We'll probably go out again. He messaged me as soon as I got home to tell me he enjoyed it and would like to see me again. Meanwhile, another guy I'd been talking to made a date with me for Tuesday night!!! I'm determined not to sit in my house and mope this time. I'm 110% positive xmm is doing no moping or feeling lonely. No point in me doing it either. I have to admit, there was one point that I had to turn my head and step away for a second. We were walking in the mall and I'd went into the hallmark shop. They had a whole display of Halloween stuff. Halloween is my favorite holiday and xmm and I spent last Halloween together. I had taken the kids trick or treating and he was waiting at my house when I got home. So my mind went there for a minute. But I got control again. Edited August 23, 2013 by GreySkyMorning add info 8
maidai Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 So glad it was worthwhile for you and that you also have another date on hand to enjoy too! Have some fun, make it clear you are not ready to be exclusive and encourage them to date other people and get yourself out there. It must feel like a HUGE step forward and well done you x 2
fanine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Meh. It definitely beat sitting at home staring at my phone!! Comparisons are inevitable but xmm didnt come out on the good side this time. This date didn't tell me how cute the waitress was and that he thought we'd be hot together. And this date wasn't in a hurry to get to the strip club. So already hugely different than the two dates with xmm. The food was delicious (my favorite, Mexican). The company was ok. He's not my type and I wasn't that attracted to him, but the conversation was good. We'll probably go out again. He messaged me as soon as I got home to tell me he enjoyed it and would like to see me again. Meanwhile, another guy I'd been talking to made a date with me for Tuesday night!!! I'm determined not to sit in my house and mope this time. I'm 110% positive xmm is doing no moping or feeling lonely. No point in me doing it either. Cool. Main thing is you are concentrating on yourself and not him. You are getting out there. There will be a few frogs before you find a prince as they say, but you can have some fun. You can realise there is more to life out there. Most importantly this shows you are moving on x 1
MissBee Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go on a date. A real date, with a nice restaurant, dress clothes, all the fixings. And with what seems to be a really nice guy that seems to think I'm awesome and wants to spend time with me. A SINGLE guy. But, at the moment, I'm really sad. It's stuff like this that brings it home just how little I meant to xmm and how unimportant I was in his life. In two years, we had two dates like this. Actually, in the 20 years we've known each other, we had two dates like this. Two. Thats how little devotion there was to our relationship or building anything between us that was real. That was all i was worth to him. It's always sad and disappointing, esp for me in the past, a disappointment in myself, at accepting so little and not even realizing it. It makes you feel foolish or like you want to go back in time and take back all your investment...however, what's done is done, and I hope you had a wonderful date, relish in that feeling and know you can have that going forward in spite of the past . 1
SunsetRed Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I know that sad feeling, had it plenty of times, esp w meeting an online date, because it wasn't a mutual chemistry meeting that drew you together in the first place. With your xmm, it was probably a mutual chemistry thing that drew you together and w an online guy, you're just hoping for the best...as in please don't be a freak. I've made the same comparisons though, when I did go out w other guys. It was nice to dress up and go out and be seen and not have him say "ooops there's my boss, we gotta pretend we don't know each other." My xmm didn't offer me to the waitress, but he did point out other guys to me and tell me he;d like to watch me have sex with this other guy. He would then say he was just joking. Also w other guys, at some point when I feel safe, I can ride in their car. I NEVER got to ride in the passenger seat of xmms car, I always had to drive separately or if we went anywhere together we went in my 14 year old dodge neon. I still feel sad going out w other guys, because for whatever reason, I had an emotional connection w mm and I wanted him to be man enough to be my man. Instead Im hoping that a total stranger will offer me something. AND, to top it off, the other guys I did meet, ended up being the "hey do you wanna come over" types and ended up offering me even less than xmm did. Hang in there. We're kind of in the same boat. Im definitely NOT one of those recovered OW who practiced complete NC and then was rewarded w my own guy. I just know that another round of MM would cause me to commit suicide, so im avoiding it. Each round w him made me more and more dangerous to myself, so if I want to live, I've got to refocus and do some of what you're doing..going out. The online thing actually made me miss MM, so now Im doing Meetup. Its cool, because I get to meet new friends and the focus is on an activity. It creates more of an opportunity for a mutual chemistry type meeting and if that meeting doesn't occur, then I still wasn't in a non validating situation.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Don't put yourself down. The reason you did not have dates in this manner is because he had to hide the relationship. This has nothing to do with you as a person. This is the nature of many EMRs. I hope you are over the OM. Otherwise, I feel bad for the SG. But you see, he had the chance to not hide it and to be open. At the time he was feeding me the line about loving me so much and wanting to be together, his wife asked him if he wanted a divorce. He told her no. If he really had the feelings he claimed, why not say yes? Why not be honest? We could have had a real relationship then and no one would have had to be stomped on like this. Instead, EVERYONE got hurt because of him.
hermione08 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Because he did not have the feelings he claimed....it's very simple. The moment of truth was his wife offering him a divorce and his saying no. What a surprise. When fantasy-land evaporates and reality emerges, they all run away like rats jumping off the Titanic 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 A married person has a very limited dating pool, a person who has self respect would actually be insulted that the married person thought that THEY thought so little of themselves. That is why a married person quickly jumps in with all those deep, soul-filled, over the top declarations of love. They need to hook the other person. Being that they can not actually give any type of commitment, they over exaggerate in the areas that they can...AKA manipulate. A promise, a wish and a fart...which one is real? An ap gets swept up in the constant external validation from the other party. Does it feel good? Sure. I've been told so does meth. But is it healthy? Once you extract yourself from this dynamic, and work on self respect, you will look back and think WTF was I thinking???? Was it love? I don't know what your definition of love means. I know its not love in my books....far, far, far from it. They are SHOWING you, that they believe you have no Self Respect, and will settle for whatever THEY want to give and when THEY want to give it. When you start to live who you believe yourself to be, and live with Self Respect, all this soul searching for a soulmate will seem ridiculous. You will live your life fully and enjoy all the moments you have. You are your own soulmate. 5
Red Wolverine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go on a date. A real date, with a nice restaurant, dress clothes, all the fixings. And with what seems to be a really nice guy that seems to think I'm awesome and wants to spend time with me. A SINGLE guy. But, at the moment, I'm really sad. It's stuff like this that brings it home just how little I meant to xmm and how unimportant I was in his life. In two years, we had two dates like this. Actually, in the 20 years we've known each other, we had two dates like this. Two. Thats how little devotion there was to our relationship or building anything between us that was real. That was all i was worth to him. I was like this with my first post-affair date. Still, I was so excited to be going out without worrying about who might see us. A little melancholy that it couldn't be xMM but determined to feel good again. Don't make a judgement about the single guy not being a possibility. It takes time to undo the affair mindset. It's easy to mistake that for a lack of interest in the new man. The more you undo the affair mindset, the more ridiculous you will see affair behavior being. I don't meet single men in parking lots for a quick goodbye before a business trip, I don't wait for stolen moments for texts and phone calls, nor do I accept excuses. Being 2nd is awful. Regardless of what terms any OW believes they have negotiated, you are 2nd at best. I don't settle for 2nd in any part of my life so why did I in a relationship? Never again. 4
SunsetRed Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Pierre, you are very wise and insightful. I also remember something you said to me on my post where you said that I perhaps craved so much external validation that no average good guy could get thru to me. That's why I respond so well to cheaters, players and future fakers. It hit me that this is true. I don't mean to be a bad person, but there's a lot of damage in me and it makes it easier to respond to the fakers as opposed to the better guys. Im trying to pay more attention to this part of me and am working on my self talk. Ok, not trying to thread jack, back to what you said in the post above about the new guy having no idea we are pining for MM. you are right. I've listened to some new guys trying to express an interest in me and trying to express feelings and all I could do was feel sorry for myself that it wasn't MM saying these things. Also, someone else has said that we have to make a point to not judge the new guy for not being MM. Hey, if we keep blaming the new men we meet for not being MM, we're going to be sad, alone, older and more pathetic 5 years from now. Less than 3% of these MMs get a divorce and show up wanting to marry us. When they do, they usually end up cheating on us, sometimes even w the wife they divorced. the karmic fall out from MM is never good.
fanine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 How could you have attraction if you are mourning the loss of MM? Why do some women do this to men they date? The poor guy has no clue you are pining for MM. I guess though it is a fact of life there are plenty of people out there dating who come into it off the back of a failed relationship. Any relationship. Men or women. Unless we are 14 or something. So many people are dating when someone else is still in their hearts. This guy she met too, he must have dated before. He could have a broken heart. He could still secretly be in love with his first girlfriend or something. In the end everyone has a romantic history. Unless of course he has just left the monastery There does come a time when some people have to get out there, in order to move on. I have seen it in friends, male or female. They need to meet someone new to realise the past is just the past. Doesn't have to be something serious. You find out usually anyway within the first couple of dates if you both want different things. If that is the case, then it ends with no harm done and a couple of interesting nights out maybe. It will be different for each person though. For me, to feel truly content and able to move on, is to actually have a evening all by myself, and enjoy it. Eat some nice food, watch tv or read a book and relax. If I can do that without feeling down, then I know I am moving on. But other people will need to get out and about to get over their experience.
ladydesigner Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go on a date. A real date, with a nice restaurant, dress clothes, all the fixings. And with what seems to be a really nice guy that seems to think I'm awesome and wants to spend time with me. A SINGLE guy. But, at the moment, I'm really sad. It's stuff like this that brings it home just how little I meant to xmm and how unimportant I was in his life. In two years, we had two dates like this. Actually, in the 20 years we've known each other, we had two dates like this. Two. Thats how little devotion there was to our relationship or building anything between us that was real. That was all i was worth to him. That is fantastic! Don't think about your xmm in light of this new beginning for you! You get a chance at full love with a single guy the way it should be
TaintedLuv Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) I cannot date anyone until i am truly over my prior relationship. I just cannot do it, it does not feel natural. I am not into it and if anything I would feel bad for whomever i was dating. I envy people that can jump from relationship to relationship. For me, it's not so much about feeling bad for the other party. I simply cannot date anyone if I'm still grieving over someone else. I won't be emotionally available no matter how hard someone tries. It took me four years to get over an ex that I thought I was going to marry. I don't have that luxury at 30 though which is unfortunate. During the longest NC we had last year, I forced myself to date someone that had no business dating me. Not only did end up back with my MM because of it but it was stronger than ever. I regret all of it because that tacked on another year in this limbo. Now I make myself available for dating but only if I feel right about it and I'm more selective which limits my pool but I'm fine with that for now. No more forcing myself into another mans arms to get away from MM! Edited August 23, 2013 by TaintedLuv
fanine Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I cannot date anyone until i am truly over my prior relationship. I just cannot do it, it does not feel natural. I am not into it and if anything I would feel bad for whomever i was dating. I am the same too. But I do understand it could be different for others I guess..after my divorce, which I even initiated, I did not date for at least 6 months. I didn't want to. I had to get over the past relationship, even though I was the one who had broken it off.
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