BF is depressed, its affecting me and our relationship!

[confused8787]

My bf of 2 years is going through a tough period this summer. He lives about 45 minutes away from me (driving distance each way). He works every day, manual labor, helping his dad finish their house while he has summer holidays. As a result he has been pretty busy and he was only able to spend the weekends with me (all of Sat, Sun including nights). However, the last two weeks of the summer (this week and last week) I told him to go ahead and work on his house because he started classes next week, so he needed to get in as much work as possible before then. As a result I have seen him maybe 1 night each week in the last two weeks. This has been really rough on me. For a few reasons ...

1) We talk maybe 1x a day on the phone, or at least we exchange 1-2 sweet texts, I let him initiate that.

2) After he finishes work at home, its evening and his cousins who live pretty close by to him show up and ask him to hang out. They do pretty regular guy stuff ... video games, golf range, movies, car stuff. Its my bf way to wind down. Plus his cousins pick him up, he doesnt need to drive anywhere. And they do mostly free activities. Money is very very tight, if not nonexistent sometimes, for my bf.

3) During the week he sees his cousins maybe 4-5x a week in the evenings. Either he picks up extra work with them for cash, or they hang out.

4) I get jealous a bit that he is able to hang out with them so much. I mean my thoughts are when he has a free night, why cant he ask to hang out with me?? The last two weeks I have only been getting 1 night with him! His cousins get 4-5 nights! While I understand driving 45 mins to me and driving back the next morning is a lot of time and money, could he not ask me to come see him?? (And I have suggested this, he just hasnt brought up the idea).

 

I brought this up to him and he admitted he has been seeing them more than me, but he said once school starts he would not be able to hang out with them much (his cousins dont go to school, in fact they do NOTHING all day long and they are in their 20s). He also said since he will be at my house more (since his college is so close to my place), he will get to see me during the week more often. During the school year last year he stayed at my place 5-6x a week because his school is 5-10mins away from my place.

 

I know he loves me and is dedicated to me and is going through an awful, depressing period, but to say that he will get to see me more because school starts and he will be at my place more really hurt me! I felt like a convenience for him! So because you have to be in my area you will be seeing more of me and less of your cousins?? I am not and will not be his convenience!! I am sure he did not mean it that way, but it sure as hell felt that way. Just because he is going through a tough time does not mean our relationship dances to his convenience. People have argued, but he gave up all his weekends this whole summer to spend with you, so he did make an effort to give you as much time as he could.

 

Honestly, I am confused. I hear all this, I see all that he does and doesnt do and I dont know if feeling like a convenience, feeling "used" is a harsh way to explain what he is doing. What more can I expect of him? He needs time away and space and time to spend with his cousins, I get it. But 4-5x a week?? Just because you wont see them much during the school year?? Is it my fault you dont make the effort to see them?? Sigh. Please advise!

[serial muse]

It doesn't sound like he was implying you were a convenience, but more that he wanted to see them while he could, and expected that to end soon. So he's maximizing that time.

 

That said, it is a little weird that he sees them that often compared with how often he sees you - 45 minutes isn't that far away.

 

That said again - what does this have to do with depression though?? Your thread title doesn't seem to match the content. Are you thinking that he's spending more time with them because he's depressed? Perhaps they're just initiating and he only has to go along (initiating is difficult when one has depression). If so, that still doesn't suggest you're a convenience. But I'm just grasping at straws here, trying to make the title fit.

 

I get that what you're really saying is you wish you could see him more often and that he would be the one to initiate and be eager about that. Can't you just say that to him?

[confused8787]

ahh ... well i had a much longer title and when posting it rejected it lol. I have no idea why ... so I just summarized it by saying he was depressed. And the honest truth is, he IS! The money, the lack of a proper roof over his head, the lack of personal space in his own home, the manual labor every day, listening to his dad complain he isnt working fast enough etc, is all getting to him. So sometimes I feel when his cousins initiate so often, he just goes along with it as an escape.

When he is with me, I like to go out and do things and money is generally involved for food and stuff, and I usually pay for us. I dont know if thats an issue, its not like he is going to bring that up himself. But yes, the essence was I want him to initiate more and be eager about it. Funny enough, when I complain and say, hey, I havent seen you in a while, why havent you asked to hang out, he will immediately be like, how about tomorrow? Why cant he come up with that idea himself?? I am just exhausted doing all the thinking. I can sit back and roll with the flow, but it will piss me off more.

And 45 minutes is actually a LONG drive lol. He also doesnt have car insurance. So every time he is out in his car, he is taking a risk. His idea is he wants to sleep at his own place so the next day he can wake up and immediately begin work, no driving 45 mins etc.

I agree - I am probably not really a convenience. And he is maximizing his time with them. But you can SEE how it sort of came off that way when I brought up the fact that I wasnt seeing much of him right? I dont know why I am so angry