marymac Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Hi everyone, Just like the title is stated, that's what I am experiencing. I have/had an off again/on again bf for the past 4 years. Both of us is in our early thirties. I love this man so much, words cant even explain. I have moved into his home several times, and moved out within 3-4 months times because we always have disagreements. Our Disagreements have always been small petty things, but since there is a lack of communication in our relationship it never gets settled. Weeks would go by, and we would get back together, and the same thing would happen. Something petty. Well, just like I stated . I am in love with this man. I would do absolutely everything for him. Kept the house clean, cooked, cut his steaks. Rubbed his feet. Most times he was getting oral in the morning and before he went to bed. I always felt like as long as I'm home, he didn't have to lift a finger.. and he didn't.. Here's my question. Everyone keeps saying that I am steeping to much into the wife mode, and not a gf mode. That I am doing way to much for him. Basically , why would he want to marry me, when he's already getting everything he wants. But , my rebuttal is, if I love this man, why wouldn't I do these things for him? I love to see him happy. Is there a way to separate gf and wife duties? My friend says I should stop washing his clothes, and when I do spend the night over his house, don't clean the dishes, etc. that Im making it way to easy for him, and there isn't a challenge for him. Right now we are off .. again.. and im trying to figure out what keeps going wrong
Balzac Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Sounds like major communication issues not laundry or dishes. Solve one you've resolved the others. Are you wanting to be his wife? What's his goal if the relationship is on and off and on and off? 1
darkmoon Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) All the cleaning? I think you want to be the best girlf that he has ever had, okay, just have convos over disputes, no more petty rows cuz they split you up, you have no legal claim on his home, it is his to tidy up, my two cents only Edited August 22, 2013 by darkmoon
Author marymac Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Sounds like major communication issues not laundry or dishes. Solve one you've resolved the others. Are you wanting to be his wife? What's his goal if the relationship is on and off and on and off? yes, I do want to be his wife. we have been through a lot, mostly because of him. He has commitment issues. he has even told me, I don't deserve him. I have put up with so much stuff with him. Im not sure why he always feel like the grass is greener. and we he breaks up with me , and see that its not. I just welcome him with open arms. And to avoid any confrontation, we never really discuss the issue. Im not sure what his goal is. He says he loves me, wants to be with me. But it seems like he just wants to have fun right now. Or im sure if hes stringing me along, until he finds someone
Author marymac Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 All the cleaning? I think you want to be the best girlf that he has ever had, okay, just have convos over disputes, no more petty rows cuz they split you up, you have no legal claim on his home, it is his to tidy up, my two cents only I do want to be the best gf he's ever had. But why is that bad? I wish w could have convos, but hes not the easiest to talk to. He is quick to turn everything around on me, and its my fault. and were back to arguing. So to difuse it, I don't say anything. Hes broken up with me over text messages. never really verbally. I agree, I don't have to tidy up his home, but if im spending the night there, and at one point use to live there, I want to make sure its comfortable for him.
Balzac Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Early 30ish and you want a commitment. OK. He's telling you he's not in that mode. Not sure what your thoughts are about 4 years invested or whether he's career/financially capable of commitment at this time. Guys take those two factors seriously even IF. For women who seek commitment there are numerous strategies to get it.
SmileFace Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 If you were to get married it would have happened already. Sure, trying pulling away - make him earn you ...play the game. But seriously he doesn't seen like he will care. He doesn't seem that into - why wait for him to make up his mind?
Balzac Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Used to live there? How long ago? For how long did you live there? I'm not really understanding what about this guy makes him marriage material?
Author marymac Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 If you were to get married it would have happened already. Sure, trying pulling away - make him earn you ...play the game. But seriously he doesn't seen like he will care. He doesn't seem that into - why wait for him to make up his mind? I have started to pull away for the past few days. By only responding to his text. and today I made the decision to stop responding to text messages. Im not sure if he will or wont care. But I have made it extremely easy for him by welcoming him with open arms every time we are back on again. I don't understand why I have to have him chase me, or challenge him when we've been together for 4 years.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Pull back from being a wife, and act more like a gf. Men will always take you for granted because you let them take you for granted. Do you have your own life? A career? Don't live with him until he asks you to marry him. Always maintain a single person mindset especially around selfish people.
Author marymac Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Used to live there? How long ago? For how long did you live there? I'm not really understanding what about this guy makes him marriage material? I just recently moved out exactly a month ago. I was there for 3 months. Our last argument was over fb. I added him as a friend, and he never even acknowledged it. After a week, I brung it to his attention and asked why he didn't add me. His response was "fb is fb" only entertainment. If a woman comments on a pic and you get mad, you gone question me'. Well my rebuttal was, why not add me and then tell me some women on there talk reckless. , that led me to believe that he was hiding me, and didn't want people on there to know he has a gf. Ultimately I just said, I cook, clean, do everything for you and you hiding me. So I moved all my belongings out. He is a nice guy. Very sweet. a provider.
Author marymac Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Pull back from being a wife, and act more like a gf. Men will always take you for granted because you let them take you for granted. Do you have your own life? A career? Don't live with him until he asks you to marry him. Always maintain a single person mindset especially around selfish people. Act more like a gf, How? Dont cook, clean, do for him? That's what you do in a relationship. So how do I separate the two? I have a career, my own life. But when Im with him , my life is his life. I enjoyed staying home and waiting for him to come home.
darkmoon Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) I do want to be the best gf he's ever had. But why is that bad? I wish w could have convos, but hes not the easiest to talk to. He is quick to turn everything around on me, and its my fault. and were back to arguing. So to difuse it, I don't say anything. Hes broken up with me over text messages. never really verbally. I agree, I don't have to tidy up his home, but if im spending the night there, and at one point use to live there, I want to make sure its comfortable for him. I would be trying my best in your shoes too, but if he sees things as your fault, just apologise/agree and smile, all this sounds very adversarial atmo, it's all stops and starts atmo, I presume you do not really like the stops, they stop this relationship from really taking off, but the cleaning, yes, men like all that, so it might be the wisest move Edited August 22, 2013 by darkmoon
Balzac Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 The picture becomes more clear. Thanks for the additional fact history. Hesitantly I say to you that you're well aware of how to push the issue. He's not walking into Tiffany's anytime soon with you on his mind. That's my read on him. You can employ strategies like moving out and delaying texts but unless and until you're ready to end it - the cycle repeats.
Auguria Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 yes, I do want to be his wife. we have been through a lot, mostly because of him. He has commitment issues. he has even told me, I don't deserve him. I have put up with so much stuff with him. Im not sure why he always feel like the grass is greener. and we he breaks up with me , and see that its not. I just welcome him with open arms. And to avoid any confrontation, we never really discuss the issue. Im not sure what his goal is. He says he loves me, wants to be with me. But it seems like he just wants to have fun right now. Or im sure if hes stringing me along, until he finds someone That is the problem.
white Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 You sound like a woman with a man who has lost all sight of how lucky he is. You should fully remind him. 2
Author marymac Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 You sound like a woman with a man who has lost all sight of how lucky he is. You should fully remind him. Yea, not really sure reminding someone what you do for them will influence them. hmm 1
GI_Joy Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Yea, not really sure reminding someone what you do for them will influence them. hmm Reminding them might not do it, but complete absence sure will! 1
white Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Reminding them might not do it, but complete absence sure will! This is what I meant by remind.
crederer Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 It's always difficult to back peddle from things. You need to tell him this is an issue and if he doesn't comply then you need to create consequences. The guy was probably taken care of by his mother his whole life and you're not taking a wife role, you're taking the role of his mother (besides the sex stuff, of course).
Author marymac Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 It's always difficult to back peddle from things. You need to tell him this is an issue and if he doesn't comply then you need to create consequences. The guy was probably taken care of by his mother his whole life and you're not taking a wife role, you're taking the role of his mother (besides the sex stuff, of course). yes, it is very hard to back peddle. Actually his mom has never been in his life. He is adopted. Which explains the on and off again relationship. Commitment phobe.
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